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Need a nice way to tell boyfriend I want him to move out..


anya85

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So this is a tough one. How do you tell your boyfriend that you're not happy living with him and want him to move out, nicely? I'm not sure if you can, but I need advise. So, he's been living with me since mid-Dec., (I know, such a short time!) and I have been unhappy for the duration of that time. My problem is that, while he has quite a bit of money saved up, he quit his job when he moved in. He lived with his parents before this and they live an hour away. He moved in mostly to go to school near my house. So-- no job, no income, hour away from other possible living place, needs to stay close by to continue school that just started...

 

Things just seemed SO much better between us before he moved in. I am the type of person that needs my space, "quiet time" if you will, just by myself. He is the opposite, he wants to be with me all the time and because he doesn't work, he is. He is dead set on not getting a job and living off his savings so that he can just focus on school. He does pay half of the bills and for his own food. He's with me every second of the day that I'm not at work. He refuses to go visit his friends. He's become a pain to live with because he is an incredible mixture of both a clean freak and a slob. He will go off and rant and rave about little messes *I* make in my own house, but will then proceed to destroy my living room and sees nothing wrong with this. He leaves trash, glasses, clothes, shoes everywhere, all of my sofa cushions in complete disarray, crap EVERYWHERE, but that's ok. If I leave a dish in the sink though instead of immediately washing it and putting it in the dishwasher, I'm being a disgusting slob-to him. He has also started a raging war with my dog, whom he professes to hate because he's "stuck" at home with him all day long and has to take him outside(because he has no job and doesn't leave the house--goes to school maybe twice a week).

 

I am absolutely miserable right now. He is very difficult to live with. Is there a way to nicely coax him out without creating real problems? He has the money to get his own place, but it would interfere with his desire to not work while he's in school, he absolutely refuses to work a typical "college kid", or retail type job. He is 26, btw. Advise?

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Unfortunately, there is no nice way to tell him. I'd just tell him that you feel like you made the move in together a little too early and that you liked it better when you weren't always together. You also need to tell him all of your concerns. This is the only way that he'll be able to address the problem.

 

It seems that moving in with you has just enabled him from being motivated. I bet his mom nagged him about all the things that you said a lot more than you do.

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I think you just have to be honest with him and tell him it's not working out. He may get very angry and be very hurt and it may destroy your relationship, but it's a risk you have to take.

 

Your other option is to let him know if he is to live with you than you have to sit down and work out some ground rules- that you need private time, that you both need to share in chores, that it's reasonable for him to walk the dog while he is at home and you are at work or school, and that if things don't change drastically than he needs to leave.

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Like the others said, there really is no "nice" way to ask him to move out. I would just state all of the reasons you stated here and hope for the best. I can already tell you that he will be hurt/angry...but im sure you know that. Also, like Hope said...its possible it can even ruin your relationship with him. How long have you guys been together?

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I agree with Hope about setting some ground rules -- about "me time," about household chores, money issues, etc etc.

 

One question: is he under the impression that it is *your* house and that he is a renter/subletter OR that it is both of your place (regardless of the name on the lease), now that you're living together?

 

If the latter, maybe you need to get used to this idea as well and see him as a co-owner, co-renter, instead of an encroacher of sorts in your space?? (Just a thought. Hope I didn't offend you with this comment.)

 

All in all, maybe you guys need some more time to adjust to living together? It's only been a little over a month after all. Maybe things will get better after you set down some rule and after he gets used to living together and after the semester starts and he gets more busy with schoolwork?

 

What do you think?

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I would tell him that you're afraid that you took this step too soon and you'd like to step back a bit so as not to ruin the relationship with him by moving things faster than you're ready to.

 

Tell him that your relationship with him is important to you and you feel that if you're beyond your comfort limit with its progression, you fear you may back off completely.

 

In other words, make it about "you" and highlight your wanting to preserve your relationship with him.

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Living with someone is a huge adjustment, I can tell you from the 2 times I have lived with my partner (for 5 years when I was quite young and for the last 5 years with my now fiance) and the first months essentially are where you work out the 'kinks' and set the ground rules, and it's often accompanied by serious conflict.

 

My sister and her husband got married last July and she was an intensely private person herself and had never lived with anyone until she married him and it was a HUGE adjustment for her... he is very attached to her and very affectionate like your guy and at times she has felt very smothered. He is also a bit disorganized and leaves his papers all over the house and laundry and other things, and she is a pretty clean person so it frustrates her to no end. She, unfortunately, has not had the courage to talk to him about it yet and so I worry about the long term survival of their marriage and have encouraged her to talk to him about it, since the only way anything will change is if they communicate about it. He may be hurt initially, but what she's asking isn't unreasonable, and neither is what you are asking.

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Thanks for the replies. For more info, it's a condo that I own and have lived in for two years. I have a long history with this guy, we were together for 7 years, broken up for two, and then back together, but only for a very short amount of time(5 months) before he moved in. I wasn't entirely sure of him moving in to begin with. Like I said, it was more of a conveinence for him to go to this school than a relationship move. My only fear is that he has never really lived on his own, never had his own place before so I'm sure he'd be apprehensive about it, especially when it seems that I have a perfectly good, furnished condo right here.

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Kick him out!!

 

Ok, the others gave good advice of HOW.

 

But my god, he needs a chance to stand on his own two feet. Give it to him. It's not mean, it's good. Good!

 

Maybe he'll learn how to live on his own. I'm a firm believer in people living on their own before moving in with bf/gf. Valuable experience, it is.

 

He's 26 - not 6, right.

 

Don't see the hesitation here. Do it. You care about him? Treat him like an adult - he'll be fine. Gasp, he might have to WORK , but he'll be fine. lol.

 

I mean, a relationship that is adult-kid like is not worth clinging to anyhow, is my way of thinking here.

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Have you tried sitting him down and just talking to him. Tell him if X X X X don't change then he will need to find a new place to live because he is driving you crazy. Also ask him if there is anything he would like you to compromise as well. Then if he does not change then you sit him down again and say X X X X didn't change and I think it is time for you to move out. I do not want to break up, but we just cannot live together right now.

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since he is 26, and you are not married, it is not your job to keep a roof over his head or even share your space if it is not working out, since it is your place.

 

he is able to pay half, so he can pay half somewhere else and get his own roommate.

 

you can be fair to him by telling him you hoped it would work out, but it just isn't. then give him a decent period of time, a month or so, to look for another place.

 

but i agree that it will probably be the end of a relationship. you have been together a long time, and perhaps it is more habit than anything else. sooner or later a relationship has to either move forward, or it fizzles out.

 

perhaps your discomfort might be that deep down you know you don't love him enough to sacrifice any of your living space or freedom for him. in which case it is better to move on and find someone who is worth it to you.

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Explain to him how you feel about the situation, but also consider the consequence of what you are feeling now. If he moved out now, what would have to change in order for you to ever want to move in together with him again? Basically I ask if there are reasons that make you feel the way you do that are not related to the living together under these circumstances. I think this is a question you need to answer for yourself before you address this.

 

As for getting used to sharing your space, I totally understand what you mean, even if I am very happy living together. I lived on my own for almost 10 years and my bf and I moved in together in september this year. It took me a month to get used to the idea, and then some time to get used to the new house of course, and it's only now that I feel that I have my own place within the space that is now ours. You are only living together for a month, I think that's at least partially why you feel out of balance in the relationship.

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Wow, what a ridiculous thing to do, live off your savings. That is just one of the immature things he does. 26 years old....that's above the average age people begin to stand on their own feet. Have you talked to him about this before? If so, then i'm sure the only way you'll be able to maybe change this behavior is to force him to stand on his own two feet.

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