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I guess I'll have to start from the beginning...


I think my life is kinda bad, I suppose. I remember all the time my parents fought, phsyically. It was frightening. They still fight. I'm just getting that out of the way. I have major family problems.

When I was 5, I started getting raped repeatedly for the year. I guess you could say I was smart for making myself fatter by my 6th birthday. I got teased from then on. It taught me to act strong, though I'm far from it. I always stuck up for my friends even though I needed it most. No one realized. My dad moved away. It was hard without him. My mom was never around and my sister took care of me. But I was then being raped by my best friends. A lot. But I was still friends with them. It may sound foolish ,but they were still really good friends. And still are. Then, my dad made me move, leave everyone behind, my whole life of 10 years. I started over. With a bad start. No one liked me. I was that fat ugly kid that kept to herself and liked to talk to teachers. Even now no one likes me. I don't care as much.

I then became involved in love. I got broken a lot of times. My fault for getting a head start in love.

This whole time I knew something else was different about me. How I was so empathetic. I'm an empath. But I could block it out then. Now I can't for some reason. When I'm in the cafeteria at school, I cannot stand it at ALL. Who can stand a whole of 100 people's pain? Even now it's still killing me.

I can't stand this.

Recently I became involved with a guy I really loved. But we closed up because we rushed in our relationship. So it died just as soon as it started. I promised him that I'd give up. I was too exhausted trying to protect my heart. So I let people in. Let them break me. I nearly got raped, again. Good thing my ( now ex ) girlfriend was there to help. She's always been helping me. Even now she is.


I just wonder now, why am I here? I'm not happy. I please others, but I'm a failure at the same time. I'm amusement and entertainment for others, sometimes comfort, in one way or another. But no matter what, I'm not happy. I'm breaking down. I can't do this anymore. I can't stand being everyones pain magnet. I can't stand pleasing others but not myself. I can't stand helping and comforting others but not receiving, even though some try really hard. I'm closing up, fading away, breaking down. And this is my last cry for help.

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hayday - welcome to the forums!


I don't know if your school has counselors or not, but you should really look into it.


There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, how you're feeling or any of that. Its all very normal and natural. The hard part is knowing how to deal with it all.


We all have processes, some work better than others.


I know there are plenty of people out here who will talk to you and help you out so stick around and give them a chance. But also, you really should look into talking with someone who's versed in giving people the tools to deal with what you're going thru!


Best of luck hun - stick around, OK?

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I do go to the counsillor. He doesn't help. I have my ex-girlfriend who's gone through nearly just as much ( we have a similar past ) and she can't help. Yes, I need to learn how to deal with this. I feel everyone's pain! Have you felt the pain of 100 people rushing at you at once? I hardly call that normal or natural...

Do you know anyone who's versed in giving people the tools to deal with what I'm going through? Because I sure as hell don't...Yes I realize I've been closing people off and I need to stop...It's just hard...

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Oh wow. I'm so sorry about your past and everything you had to go through. You're 13?? Well, I used to be in way bad shape when I was your age. I got into all sorts of trouble and did stupid stuff. I thought I knew. I've always been mature for my age but every time I think I know something, I learn something that changes my whole perspective on everything. I am actually just getting over everything I've been through. I didn't really learn anything until I turned 16. That's when my life changed and I had better views on life. One of the most important and useful lessons I made myself learn was letting go. You have to let go of everything bad that's happened in your past. And you also have to know that no one can understand you 100%. People might try but no one honestly can. So you have to look to yourself for help. You need to make yourself have a positive outlook and just let go of the bad things that happen to you. It's so hard to do but so worth it. I still have times where I get negative for most of the day, then I make myself snap out of it.


Just please give it a couple of years. Truly work on how you see things. If you still feel the same way when you are 16 then I don't know. But I promise that nothing can help you except yourself. And I'm sure you don't like hearing it because I know I don't a lot. But it's the hard truth. There is no other way around it. You can PM me if you would like.



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thanks ^.^ really...I have been trying to for a long time...I'm really understanding. I look at things in all ways possible before making my opinion. I've always known that no one can understand me completely, but I just thought that I can make them. Thanks

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You are so welcome! I know how hard it is when people don't understand you and then tell you they do and all that. If you ever need to talk I'm here.


Hey I hear you there! I always used to try to make people see my point of view and get so frustrated that it would turn into a screaming fit of rage. I finally decided it's not worth going through all that lol.

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Hi Haydey. I sorry that you're feeling so low right now. It sounds like you've been through some very tough times in your life...you are a real survivor and that takes a lot of strenth, especially for someone who's 13. You said that you've talked to the counsellor at school...that's good and a very smart thing to do. Here are a couple of numbers that you could call when you feel ready to talk to someone about some of the things you been going through.









It doesn't cost you anything to make the call, so you don't need to worry about that at all and you can call them anytime day or night. There's always someone there. The people that answer the phones are really very smart and understanding. They would probably really be able to help you to feel alot better about yourself and they would totally be able to relate to what you've been through.


I know it's hard sometimes. Life can definitely have it's ups and downs, and right now you're going through one of the downs, but please believe me when I tell you that it will get better. You're obviously a very smart and strong girl. It took alot of sense to come to this forum and ask for help...and it was very courageous of you. That tells me that you know that things will change for you and that you know you can make it happen.


Is your sister around? Do you get to see her very often?

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Thanks. And yes, my sister is around a lot still. Though she's doing homework or at work a lot of the time, she doesn't know any of this. At all...I usually confide in her but some things I just don't feel comfortable telling her..ya know? =/

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I'm glad that you sound much better today. I hope you'll still call one of those numbers to talk, even if those bad feelings may have passed. You've been through a lot in your life and it's always good to talk about it. I read your profile and I see that you like to write. Sometimes keeping a journal can really help sort things out, and even the process of getting your feelings on paper can be extremely helpful.


Yes....I'd say you're definitely smart. As I said last night, just the fact that at 13 you knew to come to this forum and seek help, tells me that you have alot of insight into your feelings and you know when it's time to try to improve things and that you can take steps to do that. And you are empathetic...that's an amazing quality that alot of people are lacking in. Just remember to take of yYOU as well


I know things are tough right now...it'll get better. You can have an amazing life and you will. Just hang in there, talk to people and take it one step at a time. Call one of those numbers for sure, post here anytime...there's pretty much always someone online and please feel free to pm me whenever you feel like it. It's all gonna be good

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Hi Hayday, welcome to enotalone.


I'm sorry to hear everything you've been through. All i can think of to say is, that things will get better. Hang on to your dreams and look to the future. It ll be ok. It ll work out. You can get there.


You're doing ok ya know. After everything you've been through, you've come out of it a stronger girl. And you are so genuinely nice as well! You will be able to empathise and help your friends so much cuz of all you understand and have been through.


IS there anyone around you you can talk to about the childhood sexual abuse? I didn't fully understand that, did you mean your best friends as in girls/boys who were also 5 raped you??


If youre only 13 dating will also be an added pressure. Its ok to take a step back and figure out who you are and exactly what you want before you take on somebody else you know. But well done for staying as level headed as you have done, you're doing great.


Well played,. Keep it up yeh. You've done the right thing coming on here and talking about it. Thats the first step, and it must have taken a lot of courage to post. So that shows how strong you are. You're gonna be ok.


girl friend xx

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When I was 5 I was raped by my neighbor till I became 6...I don't remember him or what he looked like. But I know he was older than 15 or so at the time. When I was around 10 I started getting raped by my friends that were my age and are girls. So...yeh....It did take a lot of courage. Usually that's what I'm lacking in. I'm really weak and fragile. No one realizes it. =/

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Do you reckon what happened with your friends made you confused about your sexuality?


I'm really sorry btw, you've been thru a lot.


Its ok to feel weak, you're doing great. Just talking about this stuff shows me you've got tremendous strength inside of you. You're doing great


girl friend

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I totally feel you. I'm in my twenties now, but when I was 13, I was fat, considered unattractive by everyone, and way too smart to be "cool" in any way. Even the people who I considered my friends put me down. And even though none of them raped me, I was once molested by a kid one grade older than me at a bus stop, with everyone looking. I was so ashamed...and they only made him do 24 hours of community service as punishment!

My experiences can never come close to yours, but try to hold on to the fact that you are still alive and are still strong--and that you still have someone to love you, such as your sister, in spite of everything. I suggest you tell someone about being raped, if you can. Statute of limitations might not be up and you can make sure that those people get just what they deserve. Even if they are just children, or were just children when they did it, rape is wrong and there's a good chance that they themselves were molested by someone, which caused them to do it to you.


There were a lot of times between the ages of 12-15 that I really wanted to kill myself, but I never succeeded. I felt so fat, so ugly, so alone. I would look at myself in the mirror and beat my fists against my thighs and stomach. No matter how I gave my heart to friends or boys, they just ignored me or toyed with me a bit and then crushed me to pieces. I hated myself, and really just wanted to die, but couldn't bring myself to do it. However, one time, I did really mean to.: I looped a belt around my neck, looped the other side around a pole in the bathroom, held on to it and then leaned back. The buckle tightened the belt around my throat more and more, and I leaned back further, unable to breath. But then, suddenly, the pressure stopped. I leaned back more, but it was as if the belt would go no further. I told myself then: no matter what you believe later in life, no matter what happens...know that you weren't supposed to die in this moment, and that there is a purpose for you and that fate will take you when it is your time, and not any earlier.


It's not neccessarily about God or guardian angels, but I felt protected. And for that one moment, I was sure that there was a reason for me being, and that things would get better. To this day, I still have "ugly duckling syndrome", but I'm glad that i held on because life does--and WILL--get better. It almost always does.

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Oh dear do you know how upset i am at whats happening to you, i feel like its my little sister that is suffering that way, i mean 13yrs and some pigs are raping you over and over, i feeling so hurt at this,, go to the police, dont feel sorry for them it has to stop once and for all.


I wish there was some one clost to you that could love you and cheerish you up, you cant be facing that you tooooooo young for all those drama , but babe youre strong keep it up. pm me anytime you wish to.

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hey haydey.

your story reminds me of my ex's past. although maybe not as bad.


me not understanding her is the reson she lied to me about alot of things, and eventualy broke us up. theres always salvation at the end of a dark road, no matter how long it is. just keep your head up, do well in school, surround yourself with possitive people (like us XD), and everything will work out think, how many years of your life can you live? around 60 - 80? your 13. things wont be like this forever.


your a stong person good luck



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hi haydey,


i see your post is a few days old, but i still wanted to repsond to you...hope that's ok!


you've been through a lot thus far in your life, and while i'm not dismissing how terrible it must have been, you need to hang on to the positives that are in and around your life. you're only 13?? you are an incredibly intelligent girl, i can tell by the way you write. that's a positive to hang on to! also, i remember being 13, it's a really tough age, and i too went through some rough times...3 years of "hell." i lost my friends over a guy and then another guy sexually, physically, and verbally harassed and abused me for months; i had food and balls thrown at me daily; i got threatened, shoved into lockers and so on. the worst part was, i never did anything to anyone! just like you i'm sure. i felt so alone, and ill admit, i had suicidal thoughts a few times. but, trying not to sound too "preachy," my faith in God really helped me through. i trusted that there were better things to come in my future. now, im a college grad pursuing my dream of skincare and makeup. i have great friends, a boyfriend, and i cant wait to start my career, marry the man of my dreams and have a family. there are so many amazing things in your future, please dont miss out on them.


so, find something, ANYTHING, positive in your life, no matter how big or small, that makes your life worth living. i know there's something, and i know you will pull through and live a great and HAPPY life!

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bak really is saying something ay.

i remember my suisidle thoughts where taking over quite a bit the other day.... then out of no where me and the girl of my dreams are talking like where in love again

if i did the unthinkable a few days before, id have never experienced it

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