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sorry this is gonna be long. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 8 mths, we met at work (we still work together), and we have some problems. First of all, when we first met, we were just friends. I was in the process of leaving my husband, and I left my husband in April. My boyfriend and I started messing around w/each other in late April. I really liked him from the getgo. Hes funny,cute, and sarcastic, I have always felt a strong connection w/him, even when we were just friends. Anyways, in May I started telling him I wanted to be gf/and bf. He kept saying he didnt want a relationship and that he would just break my heart. We did become gf/bf in late May, because I convinced him that it wouldnt be any different than it was at that moment, it just meant we wouldnt sleep w/other people. The problem is ME. I am a codependent, always have been, and i'm used to the guy wanting to be with me all the time. My boyfriend is used to being independent and doing things on his own. Our biggest argument is that he wants his free time alone and whenever he wants that, I feel like he just doesnt want to be around me. I respect the fact that he wants to be alone sometimes, i'm gone every other weekend w/my kids, but beyond that, I really have nothing else to do. I dont hang out w/people, never have really, I have no hobbys, im not a soccer mom, or into crafts or whatever else normal women are into. I just always feel like he doesnt really want me around. He has never said this to me, its my insecurities. Ive tried the whole "nonchalant" thing, it doesnt work. I either am overly suffocating or I withdraw too much. I dont know how to find a middle ground. I always take care of him, do things for him, get him things, rub his back, etc. I now realize this was the wrong way to be cuz it comes off as clingy and overbearing. I need to know how to find some middle ground to where hes got his free time and Im not crying while he has it. I know there are other people out there that are like this and im sure some of them have somehow figured it out. I NEED to do this in order to save my relationship. I realize 8 mths isnt an extreme amount of time, but I do not want to lose this man. We are very open with each other, we communicate very well, we can tell each other anything, even bad stuff. Hes very important to me and I also want to do this for myself cuz bottom line it sucks feeling insecure all the time and crying alot. Ive been in love before, but somehow this is different. I love him more passionately and strongly than anyone in my life. I would walk to the ends of the earth for him. He loves me as well. He is the first man in my life that has ever made me FEEL loved as opposed to just hearing it. I should probably tell you that I am 34 and he is 27, im not a crazy teenager in a crush. He has also told me that he has been a bachelor for 27 yrs. and he knows that he does not want to be anymore. Whenever he sees the future, im in it. We both want to stay together, but I need help w/my codepency issues in order for that to happen. I am willing to take anyones advice on this. Help me stop being insane!!!


sorry this was so long

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Hey M -


Just wanted to say that I think I can understand what you're saying.


I get the whole insecurity thing. For sure.


I think, if you just tell him like you just said it here....let him know that YOU know how you are, let him know you know its an issue on YOUR side of things. But let him know that you want that insecurity bit to change - ESP because you think it could be what drives him away.


Maybe he'll have some ideas as to how to make you feel more secure whilst he's away, doing his own thing.


Once you have that security tho, I know that may be a bit hard to see now, but once you HAVE it.... MAN does it make a HUGE difference.


If he can help you get there, you can both enjoy his free time away! Trust me....

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