We weren't dating, but it still hurts

[sadboy89]

I just recently re-started a relationship with my ex-girlfriend from a few years ago. I felt she had improved in all of the things we originally broke up for, and I was very right for the most part. We get along very well and I really think I love her.

 

But at the end of last December, we still weren't dating, despite having seen each exclusively for at least the past 2 months. At this point, I had just gotten back from vacation, and right before I left I told her--when we discussed the idea of dating--that I didn't want to date. When pressed, I told her that I didn't want to be tied down. I may have even said that I wanted the opportunity to be with other girls, to explore my options. This was a very stupid thing for me to say, since, looking back on it, I realize I was probably getting close and more attached to her...and became afraid of the attachment. I shouldn't have been so afraid to date her, she's a great person and even then I cared deeply about her.

 

New Years Eve rolls around and I go to her house to see her, like I often do. We kiss, I finger her, and she blows me. I judged all of this to be perhaps even a bit more passionate than usual.

 

But we had to get going. We were off to a New Years' party that night with some mutual friends. I was having a great time, talking, chatting, drinking a bit (not something I normally do, I'm more of a weed smoker), and having probably the best New Years yet. Eventually, things go unexpectedly awry. Later into the night, I walk in on Kelly making out with my good friend, Travis. She used to have a "friends with benefits," open, sort of relationship with him, but I thought it was long over. This surprises me. And it bugs me. But I soon forget about it and get back to having a good time...somehow. I just try not to think about it. Things get worse. Later, as the party dies down and I laid in my sleeping bag to sleep I realize I've wound up in the floor of my friend, Tyler's, room. (It's his house where we are staying). Kelly's in there, on his bed. It's just us three, and I don't think she realized I was there at first. They're making out...a lot. I stay in the room for all of 5 minutes (my heart nearly exploded), before getting up to leave and go home. (It was early in the morning by now, maybe 4:30am) I think I hear other things, but she assures me later that I didn't. This doesn't matter anyway. I find out the next day that she gave head to both of them, as well. Ouch.

 

 

This killed me. We started dating a few days later (at my request, this time, since I knew I wanted to be with her...plus I didn't want anything else like that ever happening again). This was a no-brainer for her, as well, since we both cared about each other much more than anyone else, and she quickly agreed.

 

We've been dating since then--almost a month. Things have been great, we get along well, I love her more than I ever have, but the thoughts of the things I saw that night still haunt me and I think about it too often. I've brought up the ordeal to her A LOT, so much that for a while it was driving her crazy. I tried to explain that it simply hurt me, and was probably the most hurtful thing I had ever experienced. I wanted to know why she would have done something so unusually promiscuous, how she didn't feel guilty at the time (she says she didn't know it would hurt me), and I explained to her that I could never EVER do what she did.

 

She sometimes tells me "it meant nothing." I can't imagine sharing something so intimate with someone I don't even have much a fondness for. But, of course, this is high school and girls are * * * * s sometimes...what was I expecting? Looking back on it, I realize I never actually intended to be with other girls when I told her that weeks before the incident. I wasn't trying to be with other people at parties (or that party), I was never flirtacious, nothing like that. And she basically knew this. On the other hand, though, I also couldn't have expected her to mind-read and realize how much I loved her and didn't really want to see her with other guys.

 

And I get mad at myself for feeling like I basically brought upon the whole thing. I had forgotten how incredibly sensitive I can be, and how much I really value things such as sex. I've explained to her that I can't believe she was able to do something like that with it meaning nothing to her. I told her I only wanted to do that with people I loved. * * * * , I don't know what to do. I love her, but this incident hurts me deeply. I thought I might have finally gotten over it all about four days ago. But then I started crying. Bawling, like I hadn't done since my Great-Grandma died, at least 6 years ago. I don't usually cry much, or any, but this situation has caused me huge emotional distress. After mentioning to her the crying I had experienced and talking it over, I promised her again that I would try to not bring it up anymore and just forgive her. This is very hard for me, though.

 

Besides my girlfriend, who I have basically worked things out with and forgiven, I'm still on very bad terms with my friend, Travis, and my kinda-friend Tyler (the other guy she was with, later on). This doesn't bother me, because I think they're both * * * * * s and basically thought that before all of this happened as well. But perhaps I should be more willing to forgive.

 

I don't really know what to do...it still bothers me, the images haunt me, but I know deep down that this is all partially my fault. This realization doesn't help though, and I still often feel unusually depressed throughout the day. What should I do? I want to stay with her, she really does care about me, and I don't worry about her "cheating" now that we're dating. And outside of this one thing, she's never even remotely cheated on me before when dating....she's also very honest, open, and comfortable around me, which i love.

 

I really do feel that I love her, but I have a hard time forgetting these hurtful events. Should I just forget everything and move on? If so, how do I do that? Do I still need to resolve something? Any help is appreciated.

[CarnelianButterfly]

You don't like her sexual choices, that's your right. But constantly bringing up the past is not fair to her as it was your choice not to be exclusive. You can not change the past or expect her to change her attitude toward sex.

 

You need to be realistic with yourself. Can you let go of the past? No one will be able to make that go away or change how she feels about sex. You need to decide if your difference of sexual values is too great to be together.

[bmwm3]

Hey.. wow some story.. are you guys both in high school... look i can give you two diff types of advice.. i can tell you to work it out. be more understanding and etc... but you know what thats just bunch of bs... i am 28.. i have had lots of rel with all types of women... my only answer to you is simply run away from her as fast as you can.. you dont want a girl like that in your life you sound like a nice guy... what she did that night.. is a disrespect to you.. and disrespect for herself.. blow you and two other guys.. in one night.. as much as you care for her and love her.. walk away.. she will never respect you and people are prob laughing behind your back for putting up with this.. i am sorry but from what you have said.. every school and party has girls like that.. and there for fun... but i will take another side.. she could of possibly been hurt by you saying you wanted to keep your options open.. and wanted to hurt you.. by doing this.. but really theres no exuse for that.. there are tons of girls outthere that will not treat and act this way.. you dont need it.. be confedint.. respect yourself and the right girls will want and respect you more.. sorry for being harsh.. but its the truth.. stand up for youself.. and find yourself a girl that will treat you back equally for what you but in... or if you dont care for her.. then just have fun with her.. but dont be atteched.. but from the sounds of it you do care and love her.. and we tend to make exuses and reasong to forgive.. best advice just walk away.. there will be hundreds of girlsd in your life in the years to come.. dont need anybody like this.. its just brings you down.. be strong,confident.. go workout and all types of girls will be lined up... i am sure its not the advice you wanted.. but serously.. if your okay with her actions.. she will do it again because she got away with it the first time.. good luck bud.. exuse the spelling.. just hanging out with friends.. wow.. and my ex wont stop calling me and wanting to come over.. respect yourself.. always respect and treat girls right.. but dont waste your time and energy on girls that dont desreve it...

[sadboy89]

By bmwm3:

but i will take another side.. she could of possibly been hurt by you saying you wanted to keep your options open.. and wanted to hurt you.

 

 

She's told me she didn't do it to hurt me and that I had little/nothing to do with any of her actions that night. She just wasn't thinking about me, which, obviously, hurts probably just as much. However, she seems serious when she tells me that she really wasn't trying to hurt me.....perhaps she wasn't conscious that this was her motive at the time and it actually was, since when I told her I didn't want to date and wanted some freedom, she took it very badly. Regardless, she tells me it's in the past and to forget about it, since it hurts her more and more when I bring it up, and so I try very hard to forget it.

 

And you weren't being harsh at all, I've had the same sorts of thoughts and have had friends tell me similar. She really is good to me, though, she was before we started dating (besides this) and especially now that we're dating. We seem to be good for each other, that's the main reason I would hate to leave her. I would miss her too much. And she is very sorry for what she did. I guess I just wish I had a better explanation from her for what her motivation was that night...something besides I wasn't thinking and it meant nothing.

 

And to CarnelianButterfly, you're right, I've thought about this. But I would hate to end a relationship over something like this...I don't think our values are really all too different.

[2sealed]

Me and my husband been dating 4 1/2 years before w got married. 6 months into our relationship he meets someone else and keep her on the side of and on during our relationship. We break up off and on because of the other women. We get engaged have a baby all while still with this other woman. One more breakup, then we get back together and married. Every since we been married I fear this other woman. Do anyone know how I can get over this and be able to enjoy my marraige. Its been 2 years and I'm sill thinking about this like crazy. Not even married for a year and its coming to a end.

[bmwm3]

hey budy.. look if you Both wanna work it out.. and you believe she is sincere and honest.. then proceed with caution and let her earn your trust back.. you will have to forgive her and move on from it and become stronger.. i personally could not forgive or understand if one of my gf said to me oh i just wasnt thinking about you at the time.. i have been with some premiscouis girls and they have never done anything like that... remember actions are sometimes stronger then words.. talk is cheap and easy.. but how one acts is very diffucult.. and thats when the truth comes out in all of us... good luck man... just be cautious and dont expect to much.. and if she truly cares and loves you and wants you.. let her show you without asking.....

[Shiranai]

IMO, you have no right to comment on how many people she sleeps with when she's not dating you.

 

It's her life, her choices, and her relationship. You weren't involved, and was not part of the equation. As long as she's not sleeping other people while dating you, what do you have to complain about?

[joeshabadoe]

I gotta say this to you bro, if she wanted to date you and to be exclusive this would not have happened. She was at a party with you not even giving you the time of day. A buddy of mine dated a girl that did the same type of things with all our friends. She had some sort of sex issues and wound up breaking his heart. He thought by giving this girl his heart and everything she wanted would make her be exclusive to him. She was addicted to sex. She would offer to drive his friends home from parties and then blow them. Im not saying that your girl would do this to you but the signs are there. Don't invest yourself and your heart into a girl that has no respect for herself because if she doesnt respect herself how can she respect you?