Bonding over the small stuff?

[Batya33]

I was out with a group of ten women last night. One of them said that lately her life has been stressful overall - both work and personal.

 

She said that she misses having a significant other not because she wants someone in her life who will be there for the major crises but because she misses having someone in her life who she can call and say "can you believe it? someone cut me off on the street, then my coffee spilled all over my desk and then..." because even though she has close friends, that "small stuff" is not the sort of thing she feels comfortable bothering her friends about.

 

She wasn't just referring to complaints or small stresses but to those minor daily events that your S.O. enjoys hearing about or that relates to some inside "joke" or code you two share.

 

She said that when it comes to major crises she feels comfortable calling a good friend so that's not an issue.

 

I believe that you can grow very close to someone by going through the big stuff with that person - and we see a lot of threads on this board celebrating an SO for how supportive he/she was during a major crisis. But, perhaps true intimacy is built more on the small stuff and on feeling comfortable that your SO wants to hear the small stuff, and that you won't be bothering him/her since it's nothing major.

 

With my ex, too often I got no response when I shared something on the smaller side but that was important to me. It got so I would say, half-jokingly, "ok can I do both sides of the conversation please?" "Guess what! ____ happened!" "Really? And then what happened/how did you feel?" Too often I felt almost embarrassed/self-conscious to be taking up his time sharing the small stuff even though to me it was a way to connect and feel close. while I never expected some high level of enthusiasm, I expected more than either complete silence or "uh huh."

 

Feel free to share.....small or big stuff ;-)

[love4life]

Your GF makes a good point. I never thought about it, but it's true - having someone to vent to about stupid things, and knowing they won't judge you for it or tell you what to do to fix it is a huge help. And you know, I don't think I've ever felt that level of comfort with a SO before, either.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I agree Batya33.

Actually it's the small things which matter so much more then the big ones.

That's what I live for haha. All those small moments.

 

I just thought about it and for instance my bf was having a rough time lately at home, and living situations. He came to me from day one when it started. He told me what happened, etc. and I was supportive, showed how much I cared.

After that day he felt very much close to me. But I didn't just yet. It was just the beginning of our relationship.

 

Then a few days back I had an issue at home, and I went to him for advice/insight. He listened to me and continued even though I was heard headed lol and asked alot. And wasn't seeing I was wrong.

From that day I realised I was getting closer to him..

 

So basically IMO: those big things push us closer, but the small things maintain that closeness.

[Natty7]

I love things in life that are considered trivial... to me the small stuff if what matters in the end. The small compliments, the small gestures, the small nudges forward, the small and inside jokes shared...

 

It no longer becomes trivial but becomes the recipe for a happy and long lasting love, a lasting companionship.

[ghost69]

i like the fights over the covers when you are half asleep and you have no idea what is going on. then you both give out a 'uhhh' cause ur irritated you have no blanket covering your shivering legs.

[Lana0120]

Yeah, I agree with you.

[JadedStar]

I wouldn't say it is an either/or. I think that both would make a difference...big things and little things...when it comes to bonding.

 

But not just with an SO. Even with friends.

 

To better answer your question i just tried to imagine if suddenly single tomorrow what would i miss the most and suprisingly, even to myself, one of the biggest things that came to mind was someone in which to share experiences like trips or even little things like dinner out or a movie...

Those are the things that sometimes are the hardest when one goes from involved to single.

 

But the original question of whether or not small stuff or big stuff are better for bonding - i probably have a different answer than some - i think an equal amount of both is probably necessary. Shoot, little things like " i can't believe that idiot cut me off today" you can even vent out in off topic on a forum, lol, I don't think an SO is required for that.

 

I think people should be careful as well. I think sometimes people (women especially) go whining to their guys a bit too much over small trivial things and she thinks its ok and in his mind he is thinking "is that all she does is mention something negative"?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree, it is the small stuff which really helps in bonding two people together...things that you can both get a chuckle over later on. The Big Stuff is, of course, very important, but you can't wait for the Big Stuff to happen so that you can bond...bonding is an ongoing process and it is the day-to-day stuff that cements the bond so that when the Big Stuff happens, the bond is already solid enough to make it through the Big Stuff together.

[Natty7]

The Big Stuff is, of course, very important, but you can't wait for the Big Stuff to happen so that you can bond...bonding is an ongoing process and it is the day-to-day stuff that cements the bond so that when the Big Stuff happens, the bond is already solid enough to make it through the Big Stuff together.

 

Thanks for that. Never heard of it that way. I like it.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's the same to vent or share small stuff with someone who doesn't know you intimately/care.

 

It also made me think about times when in the past I've thought "well even though we don't communicate that well I know he would be there for me in a crisis/would do anything for me" That's not enough for me to be fulfilled in a relationship.

 

I'm probably not the only one who's dated a very reserved person and been tempted to share things that are intense or shocking just to get a reaction of some kind.

[JadedStar]

I don't think it's the same to vent or share small stuff with someone who doesn't know you intimately/care.

 

It also made me think about times when in the past I've thought "well even though we don't communicate that well I know he would be there for me in a crisis/would do anything for me" That's not enough for me to be fulfilled in a relationship.

 

I'm probably not the only one who's dated a very reserved person and been tempted to share things that are intense or shocking just to get a reaction of some kind.

 

 

Both your first and second paragraph above combined are why i said it is a combo of both - IMO of course. Sounded like your friends were suggesting that just confiding little or insigificant things to their SO were what caused the most bonding...i just disagree. I think it is a mixture of both, and my last statement about being careful was meant to say that a person should never rely on JUST their SO for those small things either as it might create stress if the partner doesn't want to have to hear about every little thing that caused the person pain.

 

We all have seen the types taht come home from work and every little annoying thing that happened to them they unleash on their SO. That type of person needs to find other friends in which to make this venting more balanced and not just on one person's shoulders.

[DN]

Being able to finish each other sentences.

 

The shared glance when in company with others that means you are remembering a private joke.

 

Being able to order for each other in restaurant if waiting for the other to arrive.

 

Being totally comfortable when time goes by without a word being said.

 

The quick look at a party which means "Ready to go" - "Yep".

[JadedStar]

Being able to finish each other sentences.

 

The shared glance when in company with others that means you are remembering a private joke.

 

Being able to order for each other in restaurant if waiting for the other to arrive.

 

Being totally comfortable when time goes by without a word being said.

 

The quick look at a party which means "Ready to go" - "Yep".

 

Yes I agree with all of those.....it's nice when you know each other that well. My only questino would be do these things occur as bonding activities, or do they occur because bonding has already taken place and you know each other well?

 

There are those nice rare times when you meet someone and find that your thought patterns are similar enough to be finish their sentences but i guess for most people that happens over time.

[sweetharmony]

yeah, venting is not so good, but the little things can bond either a friendship or a relationship with a signifcant other. Like last night, I had a wonderful class and teacher for school and a really good experience. All I could think was, I wish there was someone who I was with who I could share this with. I have some friends, but it's not the same. My ex would have enjoyed hearing about my class and I was hoping to share it with someone. It's not the same with friends.

 

However, venting only negative stuff can be overload to one person, but all those things, frustrations, small happy occasions, angry about a work day, etc...can really bond you...it's a combo of the positive and negative.

 

In my experience, I always rose to the occasion when it came to significant life experiences. For some reason, this was my strength, but dealing with the little things was ever more difficult. I'm sure it's visa versa and the same with others, but a mix of both can cement the relationship.

 

My ex complained that I was always there for him when he was really sad and hurt, but when he was happy about little things about his day, (such as excited to tell me about an article he read or his client) he felt that I didn't listen or wasn't there for him to share in the little things. although I beg to differ. but listening even to the so-called mundane things is key...not just rising to the occasion.

[Batya33]

Just to be clear I meant small "bad" stuff as well as small good stuff - those little victories that only the one that really cares for you (friend or romantic partner) would "get." I completely agree that part of caring means not overwhelming that person with small bad stuff/complaints or even with the minutae of daily life - there needs to be a balance.

 

What DN wrote is also my point - those small shared experiences of "getting each other" build intimacy perhaps more than the memory of your SO racing to the hospital with you to visit an ill parent, etc.

[DN]

Yes I agree with all of those.....it's nice when you know each other that well. My only questino would be do these things occur as bonding activities, or do they occur because bonding has already taken place and you know each other well?

 

There are those nice rare times when you meet someone and find that your thought patterns are similar enough to be finish their sentences but i guess for most people that happens over time.

I think it's both. You start off with some or more of those things to a greater or lesser degree and it grows over time.

 

It's part of the transition from 'sparks flew' to that constant, steady and stable glow of a good relationship. I often think divorce and break-ups occur because people fail to make that transition - or think that the sparks should fly forever.

[Iwantittoend]

I can definitely relate to this. I'm in a long distance relationship and my gf is in in the military, and I find the hardest thing is not having someone to talk to about my daily experiences everyday. Just the little things that no one else would care about, but we were comfortable just saying to each other because we knew neither of us would judge the other.

[JadedStar]

It's part of the transition from 'sparks flew' to that constant, steady and stable glow of a good relationship. I often think divorce and break-ups occur because people fail to make that transition - or think that the sparks should fly forever.

 

 

The above is a good point. yes, many fail to make that transition.

[rocio]

With my ex, too often I got no response when I shared something on the smaller side but that was important to me. It got so I would say, half-jokingly, "ok can I do both sides of the conversation please?" "Guess what! ____ happened!" "Really? And then what happened/how did you feel?" Too often I felt almost embarrassed/self-conscious to be taking up his time sharing the small stuff even though to me it was a way to connect and feel close. while I never expected some high level of enthusiasm, I expected more than either complete silence or "uh huh."

 

I think it is important to listen and empathise with the "small, bad things" that happen in every day life. Something might happen to your s.o. that you think is completely insignificant and you almost want to say, "hey, get over it," but if it's something small, it's best just to say, "what? He said that? What a moron! Here, let me give you a backrub..."

 

I might not think it's a big deal if someone cuts my s.o. off in traffic. He might not think it's a big deal if I hate the way the esthetician waxed my eyebrows. But it's still nice to have someone on your side to vent with.

[tiredofvampires]

yeah, venting is not so good,

 

It's really about balance, in my opinion. Venting is important in my opinion to be able to do with those closest to us. If something is really bothering me, I can get some relief talking to a gf about it (or posting here, lol), or journaling. But if I can't also vent it to the person I live closest to, who is seeing my mood up close and personal, what kind of intimacy is that? This is regardless of the degree of the seriousness of the issue vented.

 

I do think that men and women are put together a little differently though, in this regard, and that is one of the key causes of friction in relationships. Women are born with a greater predisposition to want to express things verbally and get them out of their system. This has been backed up by research, even with small playgroups of girls. Boys (and men) on the other hand, do things to distract themselves. They often suppress or get things out of their systems by other means. I think because women are so primed to want this equality of sharing, we are forever prodding them to put things into words, the way we are accustomed to. For us, it's only natural to vent when those little things happen. Men might be inclined to share a little victory, since being in a good mood is always acceptable and there is nothing to have to "work on" to express a happy moment. So it's easier for some people, especially men, to give voice to the "good vents." The problem is when that is all that can be shared, or only one person shares that in equal proprotions to the bad little vents.

 

I can really relate to what sweetharmony has said here, especially about "rising to the occasion" about the Big Things. I know that the little mundane things are just as important, and it's those things that are the bricks -- the mortar is just knowing that if something bad happens of the Big variety, that it would not cause the wall to crumble. Cultivating that sense of trust requires that our partner show some stamina during the bigger obstacles. While the little bonding experiences of shared in jokes, intimate quirks and so forth are the meat of the relationship that keeps it alive.

 

I agree very much here with JS -- that it's equallly important to have both that mortar of loyalty during the hard times, as well as the bricks of daily life. I think that it's fairly easy to share good things -- we do it in small talk at parties all the time. Good things are easy to share with someone we are not close to. For me, what makes an SO the closest person in my life is that I can share not so good things as well, be they big or little. Unfortunately, "sticking together" has a lot to do with weathering these things, even though a relationship will wither without good things shared.

 

I would disagree with someone who said that I don't miss or need an SO for the big things, or that one is more important or less. I can tell a good friend about the bigger bad things, but at the end of the day, I would like to be able to be held by my SO in bed at night, and for him to wipe the tears from my cheeks as we get ready to go to sleep, and for me to know that he will be there the next day even though the problem may not be gone. Friends only get so close in this way, and can't serve this function.

[CaptainPlanet]

I love hearing those stories from chicks so your friend is probably correct.

[stella74]

What I miss most about being in a relationship is sharing the ordinary day-to-day events, both good and bad. I think this is what constitutes true intimacy.

[tiredofvampires]

I love hearing those stories from chicks so your friend is probably correct.

 

I commend you, Captain! That's actually pretty sweet.

 

This was one of the main reasons my LTR with a guy who is very much right for me in many ways broke up: he just didn't want to hear me "thinking out loud" about many of my "stories." I could not express frustration, indecision, ambivalence, just venting to him about the little things that would happen without him either trying to fix it with pat answers instead of just listening, or him tuning me out impatiently saying things like "Well, just make up your mind already, jeez, it's not such a big deal!" or saying, "Just suck it up!" and diminishing what I was talking about. We are wonderful companions to this day, but that was a no-go for a lifetime together as love partners. I didn't feel he could be there for me with just listening and saying something like "Wow, that sucks", and I just didn't like the way that made me feel like I was whining, even though it was totally within reason.

 

I love to share little fun/good things, too, but I'm not going to lie, I need to kvetch from time to time and have someone listen to me and hug me (literally or not), just as I will for them.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I love to share little fun/good things, too, but I'm not going to lie, I need to kvetch from time to time and have someone listen to me and hug me (literally or not), just as I will for them.

 

Yea I agree, me too. I think most of us do.

Though I haven't had any bf's who would say "are you done already?" Or hurry me along, I now have a bf who actually listens completely. And sometimes when I think he isn't going to listen or it will be boring I say "leave it hehe" he tells me he really wants to listen. Feels good I gotta admit.

Not only to have someone listen when I talk, but really WANT to know what is on my mind and want me to tell him.