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Why does my mom do this?


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For those that don't know my story, my mom and my ex's mom are best friends. Recently, my ex has been spending time with my mom, taking her places, etc. It's like she's trying to stay in her life but she won't respond to me or have anything to do with me. I was talking to my mom last night and she always brings up my ex's mom but last night she brought up my ex. She said she gave my mom three hugs and told my mom she loves her and my mom said I think she really does love me. I reluctantly asked how she was doing and mom responded by telling me 'she's looking great, she lost a lot weight, told me she went to practice the other night...'. It crushed me of course. I called my mom back and told her please don't tell me things like that. I told her I really don't want to hear about her anymore. It's like there's something she's not telling me. She gives hints that my ex still cares but if my ex gives me every indication that she's moved on, why does my mom do this? Why would she tell me things that she knows hurts me? My mom loves me and she and I have no issues. I know she wants us back together but is this the way to do it? I am so depressed this morning that I almost couldn't get out of bed. It's been over 9 months and I am so tired.

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Sam -

 

I'm so sorry. I do think your mom has only good intentions in her heart. I don't think she likes to see you suffer and be so uncomfortable. In her heart she probably thinks she is helping but the reality is... she's not. She's just as helpless as you are in this and moms don't like it when they can't make things better for their children.

 

In all honesty your ex should respect some boundries. Regardless if your mothers are bfriends so has to know all this contact from you is hurting you. So what would be her motives to still stay so involved????

 

In the last 9 months have you asked your ex out for coffee or lunch????

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Sam

 

Your mom may or may not have the best intentions. But you should as you have done set boundaries with her on what she can bring up. Good on ya for that.

 

I am good friends with my exes parents and talk to them usually once a month. They life in another country. I have very little contact with my ex.

 

Funny thing is I know my exes parents would or at least would have loved to see us together again. They know I am a great guy and I honestly feel the same about them.

 

However I didnt think their intentions were always innocent. But I kept my boundaries up and never made the ex an issue between us. Neither did they.

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Thanks Tyler.

 

Cats,

I offered to write new music for the band this past October. I broke down and went to watch them play at a local park. They were all friendly and didn't act strange. My best friend acted like he was excited about it. He told me privately that if she wanted to rekindle what we had that was between her and me. He said once again there was nothing going on. I waited a few weeks and then called him. He said he talked to the others and basically the others didn't want me to come back. I was crushed. I sent my ex an email and told her that ---- told me you guys don't want me back. I told her I understood. No response. My mom said she thinks my ex is afraid of getting hurt again so I think it is only her that doesn't want me back in the picture. She is hurt because I had to let go because of something that was going on with my daughter. We had to hospitalize her for some personal problems she was having with a boyfriend. I felt at the time my daughter needed my presense as her father. When that situation improved, I went to my ex and asked her for a second chance. She said not right now. She said she had moved on. We ended the conversation on a good note, and I went away thinking there was a chance. The next day she emailed me and said we'd never be together.

I am so tired of my life.

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I never want to give anyone false hope... EVER.

 

But people (especially when hurt - pride has been damaged) say things they don't really mean or think they mean at the time. I see it all the time.

 

You did the right thing being there for your daughter but maybe how you handled it hurt her feelings and she didn't communicate it well and instead walled herself off. I don't know... I can only speculate.

 

Sam - she hangs out with your mother. I would avoid or only do cursory things with an ex's mother even if she were bf's with my mother. One is - how hurtful it is to you. I have a gut feeling this is her way of keeping tabs on you.

 

If its been 3 months why not just send an email and have a polite lunch with her. Keep it light and friendly. Don't bring up previous baggage. Keep it positive. I honestly don't think you'll be any worse off than you are at this moment if she declines or says yes but nothing happens after lunch.

 

That's what I would do if I were you.

 

Life's too short to wonder what if... I think its been long enough and its time to see if going forward means contacting your ex.

 

Best of luck!

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The ex before my current ex had a sister my age (he was 10 years older). While we were dating, she and I were close. When we broke up - I broke up with him - I ended contact. She still calls and I am polite but don't really talk to her. The reason is, is that I know it would make my ex uncomfortable to know I still have a relationship with his sister. He still calls and emails asking to get back together, and I simply am not interested. Being in close contact with his family would complicate things.

 

Samross, do not think that your ex does not know that, and act accordingly. It could be that she is thinking that she made a mistake and is using your mother in a way to signal to you that all might not be lost. I'm not trying to give false hope, but I do think that unless this girl is dumb or heartless, she has to know that hanging out with your mom will cause you to react in a certain way, and she may be imparting info to your mom that your mother is interpreting - rightly or wrongly - of a desire to get back together at some point or down the road. I would reiterate to your mom that while you cannot choose her friends, the ex is a hurtful subject to you and you'd appreciate it if she didn't talk about her so much around you.

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I think it has been long enough and time for some friendly intervention. Can't predict what will happen but you are miserable now... so even if she declines your request (which in my honest, gut opinion isn't going to happen) how worse could you feel from now?

 

Sam I wish you luck. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Remember - a simple email with just three or four sentences at most. A hey I wondered how things were and it would be great to catch up at lunch sometime - let me know when you have some freetime... Sam.

 

There - easy enough... no excessive wordiness and even if she says no you totally get to keep your pride!

 

Best Wishes Sam

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tsarevnaelena

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I did tell my mom that I didn't want to hear about her anymore. She said she understood. She told me something a while back when she knew I was so down. She called me and said 'I shouldn't be telling you this but I think if she knew she wouldn't get hurt she might change her mind". Maybe I'm reading way too much into it but it was like my ex had told her that.

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I say it's sink or swim time buddy!

 

I think that possibly opens a window to brief chit chat but doesn't get you to face to face time.

 

Invite her coffe or lunch... these are short visits with no chance of lingering beyond a certain time frame... gets you on to neutral territory and so for.

 

I would say if she wasn't spending so much time with your mom then do your idea... but she's spending gobs of time with your mom... invite her out! Be Bold... Be Brillant!

 

Cats

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Hi Sam,

 

I have a slightly different opinion. I would NOT meet up with the ex.

And I would settle this business w/ MOM and not the ex.

 

Yes, I believe your mom's intentions are good. But as the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Good intentions do not always make the action good.

 

If your mom is friendly with your ex's mom and your ex, that's fine. You can't dictate who she's friends with, after all.

 

BUT I do think you have a right NOT to hear about these people, esp. if you are still trying to recover from the breakup and its aftermath. Good intentions aside, your mom is being hurtful and you need to reiterate this point to her clearly and succinctly.

 

She is NOT respecting you by continuing to bring up your ex and how she still cares for you.

 

Be respectful but be firm. And be clear.

Request your mom to NOT bring up your ex in your presense.

 

Take care!

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ellie,

 

I did take your advice and told my mom that. She apologized (she's 85). I'm not mad at her. I knnwo she wants us to be together but it has to be a two-way street and I'm not sure if she can appreciate that. She doesn't do it out of malice or intentionally trying to hurt but I told her until things begin to improve on their own I don't want to hear about her.

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Hey Sam,

 

I agree with Ellie completely. I have read this whole thread and a couple of others and I have to say I really feel for you and your situation.

Getting over my ex was one of the..no, THE hardest thing that i've ever had to do. I would rather quit smoking again than go though all of the pain and emptiness I felt when she left me...left US.

 

I fell back on my mom when this happened. She totally held me up. My friends were on the front line, and she brought up the rear.

Man, I can't even imagine being in your situation. But I can tell you what I would do.

 

I would tell my mom that I love her; I know here friends are important and I would never try to take that away from her but.....

Everytime I hear about my ex it hurts me... I have to get her out of my head, and that will never happen when I keep hearing about her.

 

I'll be completely honest with you. If I knew my mom was hanging with my ex I would have to not talk to my mom for awhile. Harsh, I know, but that's just me.

I did everything I had to do to get over her, and the center of my healing was based on one thing.... Eliminating her from my life... completely.

 

 

Good luck man... You know you're not alone.

 

p.s. I am not telling you to not be around your mom, I know that family is way important... I'm just saying that personally I wouldn't be able to deal.

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I disagree - I think there comes a time that you just make a stand for yourself. It's not like he's never going to see her again if she has such close family ties.

 

It has been some time - it's not like the relationship ended a month ago.

 

I think by inviting out to lunch or coffee is a great way to start communication again and just to see what happens. Maybe nothing... maybe Sam meets with her and realizes that he's not all that into her anymore... happened to a very good friend of mine but while he's miserable at the loss of the relationship all he has to think about is way she used to be or the things he misses most. Seeing her again in a casual setting he can reflect on who she is now and is that someone he still wants in his life.

 

Love is about risk... and yes there gets to be a point where you are just plain stupid in what you do but it's not like he's been knocking down her door every night trying to see her. They've each had their space.

 

I stand by that I think it's time he suggest meeting up with her.

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Cats

 

I still haven't tried to contact her. I guess I'm afraid of getting hurt all over again. She knows how much I loved the band and she's keeping me away because she either doesn't want me in the way between and her white knight (there's the bitterness) or she just doesn't want to be around me. In either case, she is keeping me from something I love. I would never do that to her, even after all of this. I keep thinking of her and my best friend together. I think to some extent I may hold that against her and definitely always with him. I still feel bitterness when I wake up in the morning and replay all of the painful events over and over every day. I just wish one morning I could wake up and the memory of her, my best friend and the band were all gone.

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I just pm'd you as I hadn't seen this post yet...

 

hmmmm...

 

There are never any easy answers but how do you think you can let go of the bitterness? That can't be healthy for you.

 

I'm sorry you are afraid of getting hurt again and I would never encourage anyone to something they think would hurt them.

 

Maybe having some sort of contact with the ex will helpt to put things behind you?

 

It's just hard because I sit on the sidelines and seeing you speculate about this or that and honestly the only person who knows what she does and why is your ex.

 

I've had contact with my ex - it hasn't all been rosey... we didn't get back together but I did get a very clear view of his perspective. It helped me understand a bit what he was going through when I was pushing us hard to get back together.

 

Take care and do what you think is best for you.

Cats

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