Blew It After The Third Date! Help!

[sbux_addict]

Ok, so I met this guy back in late November last year, at a bar, and he's in the military. We made out on the first meeting, but he got my number and he said he would call. Well, we met 2 weeks after that, he took me to a Dane Cook show - he paid for the tickets. Then, he had to leave for his vacation, and was gone for a month. We were supposed to meet up, but he didn't have time, so we didn't meet before he left. In between that, he called me at least once a week, and we would talk for about 30 minutes to an hour. When he got back in town, he immediately called me, and scheduled to go out again. We went snowboarding, he picked me up from my house (which was 40 minutes away from his), and we went snowboarding. He paid for the lift tickets too. He drove, and it was an hour drive from my house. I offered to pay for lunch and dinner. Spent the whole day together, and at the end of the day, we did the deed. He called 5 days later, and he wanted to meet up again, for dinner this time. We met up for dinner, he made reservations, and stuff. He was supposed to pick me up from my house, but I couldn't get out of a meeting, so we just had to meet up at the place. I felt bad because he was already at my house, and when he called I told him that.

 

Anyway, so, the night was ok, he dressed up nicely than normal (khaki pants, dress shoes, and a nice polo shirt). He mentioned about taking me bunjee jumping in April before he leaves for another state (he mentioned staying there for a year!), and I said, sure. At this point, I just sensed that this guy might just be looking for something in the interim, nothing too serious, which was fine for me, since I wasn't looking for something serious anyway. So then, the subject of last names came up, and I found out that he didn't even know my last name. I sort of freaked out because I slept with him, without him even knowing my last name, I just felt horrible about myself about that, I mean, that had never happened to me before. Anyway, so, he then mentions, "Well, if it makes you feel better, I've slept with women before, and I still don't know their first names..." Like that's supposed to make me feel better right?

 

So I go into this defensive mode, and then he started asking me about personal stuff, with which I retorted, "Ok, well, I don't want to talk about personal stuff. I just really want to have sex with you, and that's it." I was buzzed at this point, and I just said that because I was being defensive. I noticed that he was taken aback, and he just said, "Well, that makes me life better, and less complicated. Works for me." Well, so, I invite him to my place, he spent the night. When we finished the deed, it was 1:30 am, and I asked him, "Are you going to be ok to drive?" And he said, "You're kicking me out at 1:30 in the morning?" And I said, well, I didn't know if you wanted to stay, you're more than welcome to. And then, I said, you can leave at 6. ANd he said, 6? Then I said, ok, 7...and he said, dang, that's too early. And then, I said, ok, fine, I'll let you stay til 8.

 

So, the morning after, we talked about something like, "doing something the next time." And then he just said, "Oh, there's going to be a next time?" And then I said, "Yeah, maybe..." And then he said, ok. Before he left, we had this long make-out session, and all he said was, "Ok, I'll see you." When I walked him out the door, he didn't even kiss me. I felt like sh*t.

 

Anyhow, so I wait for his call. Nothing. After 4 days, I decided to text him and say, "Hey! How are you? Just wanted to say hi He called 10 minutes later, and then he asked me how I've been, but he sounded really distant. He said he's been really busy...we talked for about 20 minutes, and then he said he had to go and pack because he's leaving in 2 weeks.

 

Anyway, I don't know...I feel like he's distancing himself...I still want to keep hanging out with this guy, whether something comes out of it or not, but, I feel like I hurt his feelings when I said "I just want to have sex..." I said that out of defense for myself. Is this beyond repair? I want to call him tonight, and ask him if he wanted to get together before he leaves...but I don't know where he's coming from. I NEED HELP!

[Batya33]

It sounds like you were rude to him and defensive because you were uncomfortable with your choice to "do the deed" so early on. You also chose to get buzzed which doesn't help much with manners and common sense issues.

 

He sounds like a nice guy who was interested in dating you and having s_x with you -and he probably was very surprised when you changed your mind and started taking it out on him.

[SapphireNoir10]

It seems you've offended him. Phone him, email him, talk to him arrange another date and apologize for your behaviour. Or explain why you seemed so defensive. If hes not interested there is nothing you can do except move on.

[annie24]

hm, he could have interpreted the things you said as just wanting to hook up with him, and that's it - like a booty call. he could have been taken aback by that, which is why he is so distant now.

[PixelPusher]

There really is no excuse for saying something like that "to defend yourself." You were pissed at yourself and you took it out on him and then turned the whole thing into a "bed-buddies" situation immediately. Then you compounded it by basically saying you really didn't want him to stay around after you had sex. I really don't blame him for not calling for 4 days and being distant. He probably is getting very mixed signals from you.

 

If you DO want to keep him around, be honest with him and see where that leaves you guys.

[sbux_addict]

Thanks everyone for your response. I know, I was on the defense, and I did take it out on him. Now I feel like a total jerk. ARGH! I will call him tonight and will try to talk to him. It seems like that's the next step to go. I will ask him to meet me up in person. Sigh...thanks for the response. I have a feeling it might be too late, but, it's worth the try...I really like this guy.

[Zampotne]

Make sure you mention that his last names comment made you feel used, so you said that you only wanted to have sex to retaliate. Make sure he knows you realize it was immature and apologize.

 

Maybe he'll warm up to that.

[Batya33]

Look- the not knowing the last name was not his shining moment but when someone agrees to have casual s-x by definition they are not being "used" any more than they are using the other person. You can only be used if you were under the impression that it was more than s_x.

[jenny_mcs]

Wow, OK, you over-reacted and were rude, but maybe you can still salvage the situation.

 

I would call him up, apologize for your behavior during dinner, after dinner and the next morning. Tell him you usually don't sleep with guys so quickly and it made you defensive, but you really regret the rude way you acted.

 

Hopefully he'll understand. Good luck.

[sweetpea]

He sounds like he was never really that into you in the first place. Sure he took you to a few places, but they seemed very few and far between, he didn't even care enough to know your last name? So sure, you were a bit blunt about the sleeping over thing, but of course you were mad at other things and it came out that way. Even if you say sorry and all that he isn't really there for you other than an activity partner and sex partner once in a while. He really doesn't seem to care and there is no evidence that he ever will.

[sbux_addict]

sweet pea, I was thinking of the exact same thing - we've been talking since November, and I was really shocked that he didn't even know my last name. I could have sworn that when I gave him my number, that I gave him my last name too. I even remember him punching in my name on his cell, so I didn't know what it was about. So, I was totally completely shocked that he didn't know my last name. His defense was that, it was never brought up...I was like, what?!?

 

Anyway, it may seem sparse, but that was because he was gone, out of town for a month. He just got back beginning of the month.

 

So now, I don't know if I'm just overreacting, if I'm just being too sensitive - I mean, did what I say really affect his most recent distant behaviour? I'm not really sure...

[sweetpea]

Pretty lame excuse. Truth is, there IS no excuse for him not knowing your last name. He doesn't care, it shows, forget about him and find a guy that does.

[DN]

Knowing your last name is not necessarily important - especially if you never gave it to him - and you can't really remember if you did.

 

What is much more important is that he knows your first name.

 

Remember that you slept with him by your free decision - it's a little late to start second guessing his motives when you weren't even sure of your own - and still aren't.