just broke up but he's unsure, i'm heart-broken

[hollyandmike]

This message is from both of us but I (holly) am writing it. We met almost 9 months ago at work and after 3 months we moved in together but mostly because I was having a lot of trouble at home and so needed to move out. He is 22 btw and I turned 20 at the end of last year. This is the first relationship either of us has ever had, first love, first sexual experiences, everything. We had so much fun at first and everything really was pretty close to perfect, everyone was jealous of us lol. Anyway after 5 and a half months of being togther, his contract expired at work and he went back to his home country - he was always open about this from the start, he only came to my country for a year. By this time I had fallen in love and we both decided on a long-distance relationship with the goal of coming back togther again in 9 months time, when he would return to the U.K. I have to say that during our time in the U.K togther we were, mostly, so happy and had so much fun and really it's the only time i've ever felt happy and the best period of my life so far. It was amazing. When we did argue..which in retrospect was only a handful of times, I have to admit that this was brought on by something inside of me. I should mention that I was diagnosed as clinically depressed at 17 but had been off medication and "fine" for close to two years, but back when I was 17 I was in a very bad way though and had to be hospitalized, my therapists/nurses etc told me my problems mostly stemmed from the abuse in my childhood.

 

Okay so when he left it was tough for both of us, everyone said we wouldn't make it we'd be off cheating on each other within a week blah blah blah, but we were fine, we talked every night over the internet for hours, I never even thought about other guys, I was just really sad to be apart from him. We trusted each other completely we never worried about the other cheating. I was very sad to be apart from him though and I felt so lonely without him, in the end after 2 and a half months apart, I moved to his country to be with him. We both knew it would be a difficult situation - I don't speak the language, I'd be away from everything and everyone I know, and I'd never even been abroad before. I think it's important that I mention that while we were apart, due to many factors or maybe it was just randomly my illness biting me in the ass again, but I started to feel depressed. If I look back I started to feel some symptoms of depression creeping back in my life even during the last month or so of us being togther in scotland, and mike says that he noticed the behaviours that would confirm this (though at the time he had no idea it might be related to depression, he just thought I was being crabby). I wish I had done something about it then but I really wasn't sure and I honestly thought that chaoter (depression) was over in my life and that I wouldn't have to deal with it again. I didn't see the signs.

 

So when I got here just over a month ago, thats when our idyllic, wonderful relationship turned into something else, it became a stress, I was constanstly down in the dumps and would complain about stupid, trivial things that just don't matter. I guess to someone who has never seen me whilst I am depressed, it must be a shock and confusing to see me that way, as when I'm not depressed I really like to have fun and bring humour to situations, I've heard in my life frequently from people that I am "smiley" and "sunny", but believe me when I'm depressed I'm nothing but a dark cloud. I don't feel like me at all. We argued frequently, mike kept warning me that his patience was running out, but it seemed like though i would listen and "change" for a few days, then i would be back to being grouchy and ready to pick a fight. To him it has seemed like pure apathy - like I just couldn't be bothered or didn't want to change or alter my behaviours, and I totally do understand that that is how it can seem on the outside when someone is depressed and i do still take responsibility for my actions even though I know i need medication again, it's still my fault that things have gone to pot. But I'm pouring my heart out here and saying, truly, honestly, I have been TRYING, like i've been trying to push against this dark cloud inside of me to be "good" and like "me" and how I should be for him, it's been causing me constant stress and i have nightmares every night and often lately wake up feverish. He's taken a larger physical brunt of the stress though and has been having a nervous problem and actually passed out recently although that was due to many factors, i know the stress of our relationship recently is one of them. Lately it seemed like things had taken a better turn, and I was feeling optimistic about the future and there was a lot of affection etc, but then two nights ago, after watching an action movie, I felt grouchy because it was a 3 hour movie and i'd tried to fall asleep in the middle, and did, but had another nightmare (my nightmares btw are really bad and cause me to wake up suddenly, with my heart racing and feeling out of breath), so I * * * * * ily said "I don't want to watch another action movie tomorrow night, if you are going to, please watch it in your brother's room." Mike felt like I was telling him what to do (fair enough, it was a * * * * * y thing to say), but mostly he resented the comment because he had an operation on his hand like 4 days ago and he felt like i should have been more sympathetic and should have wanted him to watch movies that make him feel better, and plus due to me being here he has spent less time with his family which he doesn't spend much time with at all...I mean it's relative, to me and many others it would be a normal amount of time, but his family are very close so it's different to them. I KNOW his brother resents me for taking up mike's time, i've always got that vibe from him and i'm pretty much 100% at picking up on peoples feelings, but he also got resentful because mike and I argued. Anyway after the * * * * * y comment I made we had a small row, mike got up angrily to leave the room, I was actually about to get up and say sorry and that he was, in fact, again, right. I got up and called his name and tried to hold him, but he left. As soon as he went into the kitchen I heard his brother leave his room and start saying stuff in angry tones, of course i don't know the language but I could tell for sure he was * * * * * ing about me. Then after like maybe 20 mins of him doing that, their mum came through and i heard them allin discussion. What i'm told is that his mum thinks from what she has seen that we are not compatible (fair enough, all she has seen is this terrible past month), but she doesn't hate me or anything lol, she is actually a really nice person, his brother just doesn't like/trust me at alll and doesn't want mike to be with me, of which he is very vocal about.

 

When mike came back into our room, he broke up with me. It's been heart-breaking for both of us and I can't stress enough how wonderful our relationship was before i came here, the happiness and joy we both felt, and we were looking at each other in terms of being togther for life. But here all my problems, our problems, and my depression were compounded and escalated. I feel very much in need of a doctor right now! I made the decision to leave here asap, but we are still going to be friends. I don't want to split up but it was his decision and no amount of begging has changed that. I watched him cry today which was really....so sad, he NEVER cries lol he is one of those people, he said he cried because it's really such a loss to him that we have come to this, that he really loved me, and we spent such amazing time together, that we developed such a great bond, and it hurts him more that he is splitting up from what he deems "a nice girl, fun, intelligent, turstworthy, loyal, but had a bad life", it's not like it would be splitting up from a * * * * * that he can just hate, i'm still the same person, he just cant believe the stress he's had to deal with this past month due to me. Anyway, due to our inexperience, I guess he is not totally sure that he is doing the right thing here...so thats why we have truend to this forum. Can we be saved? I'm still leaving, but he will be in the U.K soon too. I guess what we are hoping is that if we meet up in the U.K and with me getting the help I need that maybe over time, if we take it slow, we can be togther again and be happy and eventually in love like we were before (I love him as much as always, he's lost his heart for me). We wouldn't live togther though because in retrosepct we did too much too fast.

 

I'm sorry this has been soo long it just means a lot to both of us -we are not superficial people who bounce from one relationship to the next, we were really serious about this and we WERE really happy and in love So we would just like some advice maybe from others as we have so little experience and the only people to ask here range from fairly biased (his mum) to totally one-sided (his brother). Thanks! x

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Depression is a medical/biochemical illness that requires treatment. If you are clinically depressed, then no matter what the situation it can color all your feelings, actions, thought processes, relationships, etc.

 

So before you do anything else, you must get the depression under control by going to a doctor and taking medication if necessary, and recognize that it is something that you will have a lifelong need to address and take care of, otherwise your life and relationships will suffer.

 

It also sounds like you need therapy to deal with your issues from childhood if you are having severe nightmares etc. So you need to spend some serious time focusing on getting treatment and getting yourself healthy and happy on your own, regardless of the relationship.

 

So the question then becomes, does he care enough about you to stay with you while you actively try to get better and work through these problems? And will he stick by you throughout life when you have bouts of this?

 

Both of you need to recognize that serious depression is something that you are struggling with, and if he is not willing to stick by you while you try to get treatment, or you both want to pretend it doesn't exist in your life, then it won't work.

 

I think you need to get back into treatment immediately, and recognize that until the depression has been treated, nothing else will be right. It might also be a good idea for him to educate himself about depression and abuse victims so that he understands what you are going through.

[hollyandmike]

Hi bestrongbehappy, thanks for your reply, we both appreciate it, this is mike writing now. First when everything started falling apart I thought that she was doing it on purpose or that generally she was just acting that way for some weird reason, I didn't think that it would be depression, so I thought since she's very intelligent she will understand when/why I am angry at her and then get over it/change, I thought that that was just her character - being * * * * * y (suddenly, even though she didn't used to be), so I kept giving her a chance to change her ways, since I figured as she's intelligent she would do something with the information/tellings off I was giving her, and every time she didn't I felt further disappointment. I didn't expect her to be so "weak" it seemed like she just didn't care about our relationship or maybe she was just trying to manipulate and hurt me like I have seen girls do to other guys I know. It seemed that way. I kept giving her chances and I gave her two "last chances", but suddenly after the last one with that small row which started over something so selfish, I just couldn't believe it was still happeneing and I spoke with my family about it, they just couldn't stand watching me be hurt...

 

Every time I had an argument with her and I couldn't believe I was experiencing these horrible negative emotions from the girl I loved and had waited for. The main reason really that I stopped loving her and closed myself to her that night was because of the stress/health reasons.....I'm having problems with feeling anxious I'm worried the potential this could have on my health? I had a hard time from my father growing up before my mother divorced him, and though I understand that that's not the same or as difficult as what she has been through - I still feel like I went through a hard time and I've still managed to be good to her and keep my emotions in check. I feel like I thereforeeee sacrificed myself (because of the stress i had to deal with) for our relationship during this past month and she didn't step up to the mark. Two days before we split I had an operation on my wrist and just before the operation that was when I fainted..I feel like the stress of the past month was a factor in that.

 

I don't feel completley at ease with the descion I made...so as we are both inexperienced, I guess I would like to know others viewpoints/adivce/etc, what would others do in my shoes?

[havefaith]

Hi holly and mike.

 

Gosh, I hope what I'm about to say doesn't sound insensitive, it's not my intention, and I only speak like this because I can relate so fully to you, Holly.

 

While I am not discrediting your depression Holly, which I think absolutely needs to be treated not only for this relationship but for your health and sanity in general, I actually happen to think that this situation is much more normal than you think and LESS about medical conditions. Let me explain.

 

My boyfriend and I were each other's firsts. We are high school sweethearts, dated for a little over a year. It was amazing, we were both so very much in love. College came around and he chose a very prestigious school while I went to a state school close to home. It wasn't even a question for us - we were staying together.

 

Freshman year was so hard on me. Holly like you I was sad, I was lonely, I truly, honest to God lost myself, I look back and I can actually see the unravelling of my heart and soul. I was always so independent but being away from him like that, it made me dependent on him, and I too lost my sunny self. When I went to visit him I fell in love with his school (I wasn't going to a school I really liked anyway) and I made it my goal to get in.

 

I did get in and was very proud because I worked so hard as this is a very presitigous school. The LDR had hurt me so much, I put everything I had into getting in and counting days until my boyfriend got home for the summer.

 

Here's the thing: When we both got home, and when I got in, it was almost like I had been focusing all my energy on these two events happening, so when they did happen, I had nothing to live for. Do you understand what I mean? I had put my WHOLE SELF into waiting for my boyfriend and getting into this school.

 

I really changed. I rode him for everything. I tested him, when given an inch I'd ask for a mile. I wanted promises. I don't know why. I look back and still do not understand what in the world I was doing.

 

On my first day at his school, we broke up. I was shocked. Didn't even know I had been snatching his love away, bit by bit ... and I am a smart girl. Also not clinically depressed.

 

The thing of it was I had become so complacent in this relationship, I thought it was here forever. I think that's part of the inexperience we girls face. Also, men have turf issues. Suddenly the idea of me invading this place that was my boyfriend's really freaked him out, and everything together made him head for the hills.

 

It strikes me that your problems started when you got to Mike's country, Holly.

 

This is good news because I do believe this can be fixed, especially because the two of you seem to still care enough to talk about working something out. If it helps, my boyfriend and I broke up but two days later realized it was the wrong option. We started over, and I gave him all the space in the world. Meanwhile I got adjusted to this new school without his help really and made this place mine. It's been about 5 months and I can't say we are as happy as we ever were but damn if we're not getting pretty close.

 

My bf and I decided if we wanted to make it work we had to go back to the one thing we still had and remarkably the one thing that was important - we loved spending time together. So we rebuilt everything and did NOT dive right back into the relationship (tried that first time round - you get all the same problems.)

 

My suggestion is, Holly, go back to the U.K. and establish yourself, see a specialist for your health issues. Meanwhile you and Mike should keep talking to one another and maybe consider yourselves 'dating' casually and let it evolve from there. This worked for my boyfriend and I - we agreed to no physical contact for a while. Then there was a first kiss, a first hand holding, and everything from there has just fallen into place.

 

Guys, it isn't easy. But it can be done. This is growing up and it's very difficult but the two of you can do it if only you respect each other enough to give each other the SPACE it takes to rebuild a damaged machine.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope something in this novel has helped you.