Restarting contact with ex without looking desperate

[Confused1148]

Cutting a long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend due to too much fighting. We stayed in contact and we seemed to be communicating very well and talking about our problems civly instead of fighting which was great. Since we were doing so well, I told him I was hoping we could get back together at some point. Then he told me to move on and wished me well, and only offered me friendship (he wanted benefits too but I wouldn't allow that).

 

Needless to say I was heartbroken, (maybe this was payback time? who knows), but I told him that I respected his decision and wished him well too. I also told him that I didn't want to be friends, because it would make it harder for me to move on if we were in contact. Still, he contacted me about some trivial matter, and I reminded him that I didn't want to be friends, and also told him that I'm trying to move on. He aplogised and said he wouldn't contact me anymore, that was 6 weeks ago.

 

I've been working hard at improving myself, and I'm slowly recovering. However, I feel now I can be his friend again.

 

How can I initiate contact with him without looking desperate? Or should I even bother at all?

 

Thank you

[renaissancewoman101]

Since you shooed him off the last time he made contact (and I do understand that you were trying to heal), maybe he's AFRAID to contact you again for fear that you would shoo him off again.

 

So, it would behoove you to be the person to extend the olive branch of reconciliation to him, at this juncture in time.

 

Good luck!

[greensleeves]

I agree with rw...he is respecting your wishes by not contacting you anymore. Just be sure that if you do contact him, you're really ready and only have the intention of being friends. You said in your post that you're "slowly recovering". Are you absolutely sure that you're ready?

[Confused1148]

Thank you for your replies. No I'm not sure that I am truly ready. As my ID suggests I am quite confused! However, I feel like I didnt part on good terms, and I feel an urge to amend that, so that will help me to get closure.

[renaissancewoman101]

Not sure if you will find closure with the ex.

 

As everybody on here seems to think, closure should be found within oneself.

[Confused1148]

Closure found within oneself - sounds great in theory but I haven't quite worked out how to do that yet.

[renaissancewoman101]

Closure found within oneself - sounds great in theory but I haven't quite worked out how to do that yet.

 

Don't worry, neither have I

 

It's just something that a lot of people espouse on here.

[blueyes85]

I think at this point contacting your ex will only hinder your recovery. It doesn't sound like you're over him. In my experience a true friendship with an ex is very hard to come by. It's only happened to me once---and that was after a year of NC, after we had both been in other relationships since our own.

 

As for closure...I do think that comes from within. One of my exes dropped me out of nowhere and immediately jumped into a relationship with someone else, in the process treating me horribly. To say that hurt would be a huge understatement. I didn't have any closure or understanding.

 

Know what gave me that precious closure? Time. Changes. Perspective. Personal growth. New people. But mostly time. Combined with those other factors, time will be your greatest healer and eventually you will wake up one morning and realize you are over it. Really over it. Not just fooling yourself. It's a great feeling and it will come as long as you believe it, and keep moving forward.

[Confused1148]

Okay, sounds good.

[Bella1607307754]

I tried to go down this path - friends with the ex.

 

I've gotta say - it doesn't work and its almost impossible to be friends without feelings and emotions being in the forefront of the friendship.

 

I tried it with my ex because I still wanted to cling onto him and I did it on any terms. It turned into a *** buddy relationship, which made me feel used. When I broached him about this he said he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. That hurt the most. I was good enough to sleep with but not good enough to date

 

I had to distance myself away from him. He was hurting me all the time (not physically) - it just felt like I was getting blows to the heart.

 

If you aren't completely over him (which is sounds like you're not) I would suggest not making contact.

 

Ask yourself this: do you want to be with him because you can see yourself falling in love with him and having a great relationship or do you want to be with him because you are getting along now and don't want to be alone?

 

I'm still not over my ex (he's the love of my life!). He still emails me from time to time and charms me, but I've moved on. I've found someone who wants to spend time with me, loves me and we get on great, I may not love him yet but I can see it happening. I believe you grow and learn to love someone.

 

So make it easier on yourself and save yourself alot of heart ache and don't go back there. Friendship with an ex is incredible hard.

[Confused1148]

Thanks Bella that's very noble advice. It was a long distance relationship so the threat of becoming a **** buddy is nil. Even though I shut the door on his face and said no to friendship, the bottom line is, if he really wanted me, common sense dictates he would have made that known by now, unless he's too afraid of being rebuffed which is highly unlikely - who knows, it's a big guessing game.

[renaissancewoman101]

Confused, if you want to try for friendship, go for it.

 

I personally think it can be done.