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I am merely looking for advice and guidance from anybody who has been involved in a sitution of infidelity on either side, or just anybody who thinks they may be able to help. Please give any advice or comments.

 

 

I have been married now for almost 3 years. We have an 8 month old baby together, prior to 4 months ago I had never had any sexual relations with any other woman, yet I had "explored". During the early part of the pregnancy I had kissed another woman. I felt horrible about this situation and stopped it before it went any further. I told my wife about it and she was obviously very upset, however we reconciled and continued out life together.

 

While this may have seemed like a wake up call for me, it was only short lived. About 4 months ago I became involved with an assistant at my job whom directly reports to me. It started off slowly with joking around at work. That eventually developed into me holding great trust in her, and her in me. It seemed innocent but only got worse. We eventually started seeing eachother outside of work and having fun. And that of course led to a sexual relationship. She has never been married but has had a boyfriend (she broke up with him), and regained contact with an ex boyfriend of 2 years (while still being involved with me).

 

This affair is only known to one of our mutual friends. And thats it. Many people suspect that there is something going on though.

 

I found myself constantly lying to my wife. Even lying about things that really didn't matter. My wife started expecting that me and my assistant had become involved.

 

Eventually the lies caught up with me and one night my wife found out that we had been hanging out and going to the bar (she doesn't know that we had any physical contact.) She left to stay with my sister for a few days then moved in with her parents. It has been two weeks. My mistress has been staying at my house since.

 

At first, it was easy to cope with. I am able to stay with my mistress, the source of my comfort. I still see my wife when picking up our baby 2 days out of the week. Neither me or my mistress have said we love eachother. However, I am in love with her, but I am also in love with my wife. I miss my wife soo much. We have had so many problems in our marriage which is what may have led to my infidelity.

 

Despite all these problems, I have been very hurt about what I have done. I feel horrible that I did this to such a great person. I don't feel that I would be able to spend the rest of my life with the other woman. However, I do feel like I can with my wife. I want to work things out with my wife, however, that would mean I would have to tell her everything. That comes with many problems since my mistress works for me. I fully trust my mistress and don't believe that she would ever retaliate against me by getting me fired from my job. Yet, my wife would expect me to fire her, but I can't do that, because then I along with my bosses could get sued.

 

 

Basically, the summary of all of this is that I cheated on my wife with my mistress several times. My wife lives with her parents, and I am feeling major feelings of regret. I want to make things work with my wife, but how should I do that? HOw should I tell my mistress? I don't think things at work would get strange between us but should I tell my wife about her?

 

Thanks for reading....

 

 

Depressed & Confused

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Do you know for sure which woman you want to be with?

 

It's decision time, if you want your wife back then you need to end things with the mistress completely (obviously). Personally, I wouldn't tell the wife any more than she already knows. Some people are fans of "full disclosure" but I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

 

Full openess and honesty with YOURSELF is the first step.

 

Good luck

 

I also recommend seeing a therapist. There seems to be some "issues" here.

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Basically, the summary of all of this is that I cheated on my wife with my mistress several times. My wife lives with her parents, and I am feeling major feelings of regret. I want to make things work with my wife, but how should I do that? HOw should I tell my mistress? I don't think things at work would get strange between us but should I tell my wife about her?

 

Thanks for reading....

 

 

Depressed & Confused

 

 

 

Hi,

 

you should just tell her that its over. I don't know your 'mistress', but to me, any woman capable of breaking up a marriage isn't a very good woman at all. You were wrong too. You owe it to your wife, your marriage and your child to try and work things out......that is if your wife will still have you.

 

Good luck.

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I think it goes without saying that you need to work on yourself.

 

What made you choose such a hgh-risk cheating situation? I mean how would you explain losing your job if they fired you for taking advantage of your position.

 

a book I would recommend is No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. It may seem a bit out of place since you havent been nice to your wife at all. But it seems from what you wrote that you are simply out of control and dont know what you want.

 

I think before you take your wife down any further or any other woman for that matter that you really need to start working on yourself.

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Wow, you are kind of f**ked. But you knew that when you went in. At this point I would say you have a chance. If you want your wife back you'll have to ask your mistress to quit and help her get another job. And if she won't do that for you, you might have to quit. But make sure you are being honest with yourself because you can't keep going back and forth and expect ether of them to stick around.

This is why I'm polyamorous. Because you can love two people at the same time... and now you are really going to have to hurt both of them and if you’re lucky you might have a relationship with one of them in the end.

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Oh my lord... you're in trouble. This is wrong on so many different levels, and there's no quick fix. Essentially, you have torched both relationships. Longterm, you won't be "happy" with either one of these people.

 

You say that you "love" each one, but you actually love neither. Someone that loves someone doesn't do what you've done. You may lust after each. You may feel a great sense of loss when either or both aren't around. You may not be able to imagine your life without either one. But one thing is for sure... you don't love either one.

 

You got involved with your assisstant to appease your urges. You already admit that you couldn't imagine spending your life with her. You would willingly hurt your spouse just to, again, appease your urges. If you never got caught? You'd still be doing the same thing. The only reason you truly feel miserable right now is because you got caught. Otherwise, you may feel miserable, but not enough to stop your behavior.

 

Who should you be with? Neither woman. Each deserves better.

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There is no way you can stay married and work with this other woman. NO WAY.

 

That's part 1. Part 2 is as the other poster said, you can't be in love with both women. In an ideal world, you would go back to your wife, leave your job, and go to therapy to fix the problems. That's probably not going to happen but you should shoot for that, given the nature of your indecisiveness, the pain you are causing yourself and your wife. Especially with such a young child at home.

 

I forgot to comment on this part. DON'T be surprised is this woman you think you know so well, your mistress, drops you like her worst habit and becomes quite cantankerous toward you once you try to split with her. Won't tell on you? Don't bet on it. You're in a ton of trouble, and I don't think you fully realize just how much yet. The axe will fall, and it's unlikely to be pretty.

 

I can't believe you are worried about your assisstants job when your wife is living with your sister. Holy sheet! That is so absurd. She's your wife dude!!!!

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There is no way you can stay married and work with this other woman. NO WAY.

 

That's part 1. Part 2 is as the other poster said, you can't be in love with both women. In an ideal world, you would go back to your wife, leave your job, and go to therapy to fix the problems. That's probably not going to happen but you should shoot for that, given the nature of your indecisiveness, the pain you are causing yourself and your wife. Especially with such a young child at home.

 

I agree! & Jettison has good words too.

 

And I'm wondering if you perhaps just miss your wife, but I don't see how this can be love.

Are you certain you really do you love your wife? if so, how can explain the repeated conscious decisions you're making that would hurt your wife so badly. example -when she finds out your hanging out with the assistant & leaves to her family. You don't go after her...Instead you did the worst thing imaginable to someone you 'love'. -- You move the mistress in to her & your home? under the roof you built your family?? I think you really need to figure yourself out. that kind of affair I think there must be some underlying anger within you (and obviously selfishness). That's not just cheating, there is no ounce of respect for your wife with that.

 

I think a cousellor may help you work through what's going on inside of you. but to stay married you'll have to be honest with your wife (make sure she's still willing to when she knows the truth) & quit your job...

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There is no way you can stay married and work with this other woman. NO WAY.

 

 

I AGREE.

 

 

Not only would it be impossible for you to totally disconnect yourself emotionally from your mistress if you continue to work together, it would be unfair to ask your wife to endure knowing that each and every day you work side by side with the woman who you cheated on her with. To ask your wife to endure that means she'd have to trust you, and you have destroyed any trust you had in your marriage by having this affair.

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I congratulate you for owning up to your mistakes but that doesn't support the fact that you brought your mistress to stay at your house probably sleeping in your marriage bed while your wife and baby is at her parents' place trying to get over your cheating ways. I think you obviously are not sure of which woman you want to be with. Saying that you know your mistakes and that you have hurt people is different than acting on what you are saying.

 

I suggest you take this time to reflect on yourself, what you really want out of life; your wife and child or your mistress. You have to do some major decision making here and you have to want to be with just one person. Your wife doesn't deserve this and neither does your mistress or you.

 

Honestly, if I were your wife and you did come clean, I wouldn't want you back. You have betrayed the most sacred vows of all human kind, your marriage vows. I'm sorry but I'm not feeling any sympathy for you.

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Wow what a story.

Hey it's going to be very easy for us to tell you what to do, but man you are the one in this awful situation--of your making--and it will be up to you to face the music.

 

I would not tell the wife any more than she already knows. I would end it with the mistress immediately. And OMG she has been living with you-- Sleeping in the same bed you shared with your wife, I'm guessing here. Can you even begin to put yourself in your wife's shoes should she find all this out? That is beyond insulting. I have no words...you wouldn't want to hear them.

 

 

I would quit and go to a new job, why jeopardize everyone else there whom is not at fault? You messed up big time, now you have to pay big time too.

 

If your wife takes you back you should spend the rest of your life adoring her and being grateful that she did.

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If your wife takes you back you should spend the rest of your life adoring her and being grateful that she did.

 

I agree!

However If she takes you back. You should let her know the truth as to what she takes back (all she knows is you hung out at a bar, that doesn't even scratch the surface) If you takes you back & months later finds out that you & the mistress where having sex in her & your bed. WOW. that would destroy everything you rebuilt.

be honest with her, give her the right to choose. Don't get back with her & let her believe hanging out at a bar was it...that's false pretences....that's just wrong.

 

Saying that you know your mistakes and that you have hurt people is different than acting on what you are saying.

 

I suggest you take this time to reflect on yourself. You have to do some major decision making here and you have to want to be with just one person. Your wife doesn't deserve

 

Well said.

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My brother traveled a lot for his job. He had multiple partners during his travels. His wife had no clue as they all happened out of town and they were not long term. Guilt got him and he told her about one of them. She freaked, he moved out briefly, she came to terms with it, forgave him, and he moved back. Then he told her about the other 3 or 4 of them. They got divorced. There is only so much you can expect someone to handle.

 

My ex-GF is a business woman at a very prominent company that is dominated by men. In fact, she's the only woman on their team. She travels extensively, and at least every other week. She told me that "they all do it" and that "every single one of them, as far as she can tell, is having an affair". She also said that almost every guy in the company has propositioned her thus far. It has completely soured her on men, and she has even less trust in men then she had before, and that was very, very little.

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I gotta say this, at least you admitted what you've done in the past, that does take some cojones as some of the others have said. Now you are at a crossroads, bud. I agree with flower99 and the others that you need to find out what it is that you want, possibly even before you attempt to contact your wife. What is it that you want in the future and to finally realize that if you keep crossing the street in a slefish attempt to have your cake and eat it too that you WILL get hit by a Mack truck eventually. That should be your first prioirity, finding out what's inside that motivating you to throw caution to the wind and compromise your future in so many different ways that you will be feeling the repercussions of this for decades!! Once you get to the bottom of that then you can begin to fix your marriage.

 

One of the truths that you must face now is that your marriage may just be done....for good. The others are right, you have hurt your wife in many horrible ways and have essentially proved to her that second chances aren't warranted. I can't see how a spouse would completely ignore what's going on with the other one even if they are separated so I wonder if she knows whats going on with you and your mistress at your house. To be honest, it just doesn't look very good for you there, but anything is possible.

 

The road to recovery is going to be very hard, not matter what road you choose. If you choose your wife and your child, she will NEVER trust you 100% again and you will live with the knowledge that you have hurt someone who didn't deserve it and your job (maybe carreer) may be in a shambles. I don't know your partners but I have to wonder if they would try to help you or let you dangle inthe breeze for jeapording their livlihood. If you choose your mistress, then she knows that she can't trust you and will always live her days knowing that you got pulled from your wife, you can get pulled from her as well, and to be honest, you have a prior history to boot.

 

Your up to your ears this time, but the only way to get better is to make a choice, one way or the other, and then to make sure that you NEVER repeat this type of behavior again. I'm sure that you can see that the collateral damage that comes from this is quite all encompassing (sp?). Better roll up your sleeves, you got some work to do.

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You dont cheat on someone you love and someone you have child with. Your obvioulsy pretty happy shacked up with your mistress whilst your wife worries about whats happened.

 

Tell her EVERYTHING and if she has the goodness in her to forgive you then thank your lucky stars. Shes forgiven you in the past. Once is alright, twice, maybe she'll feel too much like a fool to forgive you. Afterall kissing is still cheating.

 

Get rid of the mistress. No matter the situation. If you want any chance of getting back with your wife.

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Sorry... but I find it pretty hard tp believe you regret anything otherwise the mistress wouldn't be living at your house.

 

You talk about all the problems in your mariage that drove you to this, but you fail to mention these problems in your post (or at least I didn't see anything) I am curious what these problems were?

 

As for any advice I have for you, get the other woman out of your house, end it with her, and find a new job. Then give your wife some time. She may come around if you actually make an effort to win her back.

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I don't have a whole lot to add that hasn't already been written. I do wish you luck as you're in one heck of a situation. I find it very interesting that you were here a year ago asking just how to go about avoiding this exact situation.

 

I agree with the rest: Why the heck is your "mistress" living with you now? Is it because she was living with her boyfriend and he kicked her out?

 

You're going to do what you're going to do and many have given you varying advice on whether to come completely clean or not. If it were ME, I'd come completely clean... 100% as I am the type of person that can't just tell PART of the truth. It's all or nothing for me and let the situation play out. If you're just trying to withhold SOME of the situation to save her feelings, how do you think she will feel IF she forgives you and 5-10 more years down the road she finds out just how much you kept from her? She'd begin to wonder what else you held back... possibly OTHER cheating situations, etc.

 

I would also find another job. Period. Get the heck away from the job, the other woman, everything. You've really made a life-changing error and right now, it's all about damage control. Come clean... hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

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I'm going to be blunt with you: leave your wife. Why? Because your whole post reads like a dictionary definition of limited responsibility, full of passive voice and third-person perspective ("It started off slowly","I found myself"), full of concerns for how the situation has affected you and is going to continue to affect you ("At first, it was easy to cope with"; "I do feel like I can with my wife","however, that would mean I would have to tell her everything"), and finally identifying a mutual cause for your behaviour ("We have had so many problems in our marriage which is what may have led to my infidelity").

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not having a go at you here, but you must realise that all the time you have that attitude inside you, no reconciliation with your wife will succeed, (1) because you won't really be willing to do what it takes to make things work, and (2) because deep down, you're not 100% convinced that you've done something wrong (90% perhaps, but that's not enough), simply sad that you got caught and you've now got a resultant difficult situation.

 

Unless you can really face up to the effect that this has had on your wife, instead of focusing on your own concerns and acting as though it wasn't really you that was choosing to engage in this behaviour at every stage, you would be wasting your time and your wife's trying to get back together. It happened before, and it would happen again, and that wouldn't be good for either of you.

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Sorry... but I find it pretty hard tp believe you regret anything otherwise the mistress wouldn't be living at your house.

 

You talk about all the problems in your mariage that drove you to this, but you fail to mention these problems in your post (or at least I didn't see anything) I am curious what these problems were?

 

As for any advice I have for you, get the other woman out of your house, end it with her, and find a new job. Then give your wife some time. She may come around if you actually make an effort to win her back.

 

I couldn't agree with this more.

 

Why is she living with you?? I am sorry, but I just cannot believe you love your wife...

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My ex-GF is a business woman at a very prominent company that is dominated by men. In fact, she's the only woman on their team. She travels extensively, and at least every other week. She told me that "they all do it" and that "every single one of them, as far as she can tell, is having an affair". She also said that almost every guy in the company has propositioned her thus far. It has completely soured her on men, and she has even less trust in men then she had before, and that was very, very little.

 

 

Yeah I get to see this stuff going on first hand. Both with men and women.

 

People will tell me to my face that they wouldnt never cheat on their spouse/GF or BF and then the next evening their banging someone else.

 

Its simply amazing.

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Honestly, if I were your wife and you did come clean, I wouldn't want you back. You have betrayed the most sacred vows of all human kind, your marriage vows. I'm sorry but I'm not feeling any sympathy for you.

 

A bit offtopic since it's not directed to help the poster here but the bolded sentence is in my opinion a reason why there is so much cheating around us. Seeing it as so sacred and important it's probably the best way to diminish the importance of keeping it that way, in both ppls minds, in a relationship. It's not society, culture or religion that make it sacred and important: it's both ppls mindset, when in a relationship in which there is respect, nurture and a sense that such vows are there to be fed and not to be relied upon.

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OK, it is never a good strategy to move the mistress into the marital home when you want your wife back.

 

What i am struck by in this post is that you don't seem to put a lot of advance thought into what you've been doing. You're just sort of drifting from impulse to impulse, and when it turns out to cause you problems or not be as much 'fun' as you thought it would be, you drift back in the opposite directions.

 

So i think the real thing you need to work on is gaining the adult understanding that you can't just drift among every alternative life offers and still keep all your options open. just doesn't work!

 

this would argue for the real need being for you to get personal therapy to understand why you can't be more planned in your approach to life, and why you would even complicate your life in this way to begin with.

 

so you need to get yourself in therapy, get the mistress OUT of the marital home, get into marriage counseling with your wife, and most likely look for another job because the mistress is going to be VERY annoyed that you jerked her life around too with so little thought to the consequences.

 

all behavior has consequences, and immature or destructive behavior has BAD consequences, that you can't always drift out of. You need to take very decisive actions to get a grip on your life, and PLAN which direction you want to move in, and learn how to stay the course in the direction you want to go...

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