how does one break up with the perfect person??

[jillycat]

Hey all,

 

This is my first time on this website; first time even posting a blog...im not a blogger but I guess desperate times call for desperate measures...I found this website looking for support and advice...

 

I want to throw my story out there and see wat has to be said about it...I've had so many different mixed emotions and feelings lately I don't know what I want anymore.

 

To start, I am 22 years old. I have been a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 years (in march)...we were high school sweethearts and now I am in my last semester of college and we are still going strong. He is a wonderful person...my best friend, my love; without him i wouldnt be who I am today. He would do anything for me...and often I feel I wont find anything better out there because of how fantastic we are together. On the otherhand, I find myself asking, how will you know what else is out there if you dont take the chance to just be on your own for a bit? On top of that...A part of me wants to discover who I am on my own...becuase I have never been on my own.

 

We live in separate towns now, and when I go out with my friends without him I feel like I want to kiss other people, and be able to mingle without the hindrance of having a boyfriend. I do not know if I am infatuated with the attention I never realized I could get, or if I actually need to break away to experience the unknown. Call it corny, but I do not want to end up like Jessica Simpson!

 

I do not know how to tell him that I want to be single. I dont even know if I want to be single at all...but I do lust over others and that is not a good thing. Sometimes, when I close my eyes and I kiss him, I see the face of another guy I secretly have a small crush on.

 

Part of me I think is scared to be alone. I have always had a boyfriend since I was 14 years old...and I think that especially with this being my last semester now is the chance to break away and test the waters. We have broken up in the past when we were younger, and he tested the waters and came back to me...I sat around depressed. I never seized my opportunity...and the burning question is...do I do it now before it's too late....even if it means giving up who I think is one of the greatest people in the world?

 

What is a girl to do!

 

Any advice? Greatly appreciated...

[c0nfus3d]

Why can't you just be happy with the love you've already found?

[Nick_10]

jilly i dont know what to say.

my girlfriend broke up with me for the exact same reason and i am heart broken haha.

but on the other hand. you have to do what you have to do.

i wont stop her if thats what she wants.

i would do anything for her.

i would take on the world,

I would search all its deepest and darkest oceans,

just to make her happy haha.

but like i said, if she wants to get out there and see what else is out there, then by all means, she can do whatever she wants.

maybe you need to do the same thing.

just know that hes going to be really hurt.

and you cant expect him to just take you back in an instant if you do end up wanting him back.

i wish you the best of luck jillycat!

this is certainly not an easy decision to make,

but you have to do whats right for you.

[Batya33]

I've had friends go in both directions. One met her husband when she was 15 and he 16. When she was turning 20 he said he wanted to get engaged. She felt like you did but perhaps even more in love (hard to tell). She ended up kissing another guy - a guy who was about two years older, her family knew his family, he potentially would be more successful, etc.

 

I know she told her boyfriend about the other guy (but I am not sure what). He said she had to choose. For a weekend she suffered - was physically ill over the decision. She chose her boyfriend. They've been married almost 21 years and she tells me she is very happy with him - always has been.

 

It's a tough decision because you will have to trade what you have with him for the excitement you think you will find "out there." I'm not going to tell you you're wrong - that it's not exciting but I'm also not going to tell you that it definitely is. I know if I had married the guy I was engaged to at age 23 (I met him when I was 20) I would be unhappy because he would not have wanted me to pursue my dreams or "stretch" - he was an "old man" of 26.

 

Good luck.

[vintage tees]

hey welcome aboard here.

 

first, i have seen this all too many times at your very age, including my own first hand experience. i have seen a lot of relationships fizzle out right around that post-college age, and they are normally relationships that occupied a greater portion of your college years. My relationship started when I was 19 and ended at 23. I was afraid just like you are about finding someone new and the fear of losing out on someone special. However, I do believe your current actions are detrimental to you, the relationship, and your boyfriend. He may not have any idea that there is a problem in the relationship and meanwhile behind the scenes you are envisioning yourself kissing someone else while you are being intimate with him.

 

maybe the spark has died out? maybe the common place, lack of new challenge, and comfort of always having the same person around and the lack of novelty thereof has lost its appeal?

 

In a perfect world you could seek your self-discovery, experience life on your own and he'd still be there waiting for you. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

 

Now why is it many relationships face the true test at your age?

First, this is almost the last hurrah of adolescence and you are worried that you may not be living life to its absolute fullest and that is a scary thought. You begin to wonder what else may be out there and just really want a break to secure your sanity to make sure you made the best out of youth. Furthermore, this is huge decision making time in your lives. Where will you work? Where will you settle down? Where does this great guy of 6 years fit into this picture? There is a lot of uncertainty and unchartered waters here and you want to venture into them, and from the sounds of it, you wouldn't mind doing it independently for the time being. Maybe you will grow as a person and make yourself more complete? There are certain times in life where we have to be selfish and this may be your time.

 

The whole point of my post was to tell you that your feelings are not abnormal for your age. Really put some deep thought into this and approach him with absolute clarity about your reasons here so he is not left wondering.

My college girlfriend, as mentioned above, and I splilt right around the same time and age as you, and it was a blessing in disguise because I was able to go out and experience life on my own, and you are seeking the same thing. I think it is a healthy choice for everyone. After all, if he cared about you enough wouldn't he want to respect your decision for this time you need to sort yourself out and experience life. My take is that if I granted a girl I was dating her wish then that was a testament to how much I cared for her even if I didn't agree.

 

I hope this helps. I will keep checking back on you and your decision.

[jillycat]

i dont know...and thats what scares me

[jillycat]

thanks nick

 

its helpful to hear from the other side of the situation...I mean, you have do agree its logical...and I think its great that you understand why she is doing this. What sucks is that she still loves you too...I can guarantee it, and that shes probably heart broken too....but sometimes you have to let go, and if it was meant to be then it will all work out in the end.

[jillycat]

vintage tees,

 

I really appreciate your insight. The more I use this network, the more I realize there are alot of people that have been or are in the same situation that I am...and it really is between a rock and hard place.

 

J - lets call him; J has no idea about this other person. He does or did however get the vibes that something is rattling my brain about our relationship. He even addressed the situation, asked me if I want to break up and be on my own...he reassured me he will never hold me back from doing what I want and if I want to go I am free to do so, and then he followed it up saying, "but Jill I guarantee you will not find anything better out there." Talk about manipulation! A part of me thinks he is right...we are so compatable its insane...and I know how young men can be at my age..I see it all the time.

 

Like you said...theres a lack of change, its the same old thing. In some ways I feel the relationship is more like a best friendship...and while that is great when people get married and settled, I dont want to feel that way when I am only 22. Its always the 2 of us hanging out because we dont have mutual friends anymore since we went to separate colleges in separate towns. I told him I feel that way...and now hes does everything in his power to make each day new and exciting so that i don't feel bored...another example of his chivalry, and even more of a reason I feel bad about feeling this way about breaking up.

 

You totally hit the nail on the head when you say I dont want to miss out on my last hurrah...I am scared that I have rushed my life, and never got to explore what the world has to offer me and just me....not me and my sidekick J. We always talk about the future together...and while we share many of the same interests and desires to see the world and travel and do great things...I still feel like there are many doors I could stumble upon if I wasnt living a dream shared with someone else.

 

 

For me, it comes down to fate. I am a true believer of whats meant to be will be. I tell my self whatever decision I end up making, everything will be OKAY because it always works out in the end. As for now...yes, I happy, but I am also comfortable, and I don't want to have regrets in the future. Some people say, you will regret breaking up..and others say I will regret not breaking free. I know that I am the type of person who, the minute I feel uncomfortable being single I will want him back...because I never ave been single for more than like, a month! I am scared to be empty inside...but the more I think about it I think I may need to do it.

 

I see it like this....If I am feeling like I want to kiss other people, and have even shared a small kiss with someone and not felt guilty about it...that says alot about how I feel towards this relationship.

 

Thanks again vintage tees...Ill keep checking back too. I like this thing!

[Batya33]

No - it's not about "fate" - you have to make this decision, you have to take the risks, you have to be responsible and accountable for any consequences of that decision. Relying on fate is a cop out in my humble opinion.

[jillycat]

batya,

 

I forgot to thank you for your response and mere interest -- two stories with two different endings of course reassure me that this can end up one of which two ways...and like i said...it will always be okay in the end.

 

In MY humble opinion, I BELIEVE in fate -- im not saying I RELY on it. Of course it is a decision...its about a choice as is everything in life...but I rely on fate to steer my heart. The ultimate decision I decide to make is what fate has in store for me.

[Batya33]

That's contradictory. If you choose, it's not fated. Fate means that it was meant to be no matter what you choose. I am glad you are taking responsibility for your decisions and choices.

[Nick_10]

thanks nick

 

its helpful to hear from the other side of the situation...I mean, you have do agree its logical...and I think its great that you understand why she is doing this. What sucks is that she still loves you too...I can guarantee it, and that shes probably heart broken too....but sometimes you have to let go, and if it was meant to be then it will all work out in the end.

 

i take back what i said about her loving me. she is being a HUGE snob to me now for NO reason what so ever.

but yeah if she wants to dump me, her choice. i dont care anymore because she just treats me like garbage anyways.

hope you had a good day,

and i hope i helped you out a little

 

Nick

[GameX]

Its kind of funny that I stumbled upon this thread. Me and my gf of over 5 years just broke up earlier tonight for the exact same reason. I am 21, she is 19.

 

I am not going to lie; it really hurt. She pretty much listed all of the exact same reasons. Wait a minute, is that you? Haha, just kidding.

 

I can't really offer you much advice, since I am the one usually seeking advice from all of the other wonderful members here. All I can tell you is that I could tell my gf was unhappy, she was feeling trapped, and it was hard for her to picture herself with one person for the rest of her life without playing the field, seeing what else was out there. This is what she told me. I guess a part of me is glad it happened now, instead of later on down the road after marriage or something where breaking up would have been a lot worse, or regretting not 'playing the field'.

 

If you don't think these thoughts or feelings are going to go away, you should talk with your bf. In my situation, I think breaking up was inevitable. I am a little upset that she waited until the point where there was someone else she had feelings for before bringing it up to me, as opposed to bringing it up when she first had the thoughts of being single. Either way, it will hurt, but I think the sooner you tell him, the better it will be.

[vintage tees]

As for now...yes, I happy, but I am also comfortable, and I don't want to have regrets in the future. Some people say, you will regret breaking up..and others say I will regret not breaking free. I know that I am the type of person who, the minute I feel uncomfortable being single I will want him back...because I never ave been single for more than like, a month! I am scared to be empty inside...but the more I think about it I think I may need to do it.

 

There are certain things that I read in a post that seem to stand out to me and the last line in this paragraph really sticks out to me.

 

You're afraid to be empty inside? Do you equate a relationship to making your heart full? I would say if that is the case some time on your own would truly be beneficial. You may never know all the things you could do on your own until you try. How about trying to grow as an individual without having to worry about feeling empty because you're not in a relationship.

 

Listen, what you're going through doesn't make you a bad person. Part of life is questioning things. It is always harder questioning things when love and feelings are at stake. You have invested a lot of time and energy here and it is truly hard to simply throw it all away because you think you may need some time alone.

But, let me ask a question. Which is worse, possibly hurting one's feelings or holding yourself back in life? I would say I would never want to sacrifice the latter at any expense, even at the expense of hurting someone's feelings. You only have one life to live and making the best of it is solely up to you.

 

I was single for 1 1/2 years after my college relationship and I enjoyed myself so much. I went on trips with friends. I stayed out until 3-4am on weekend nights going out with friends and did not have to worry about making any late night before bed phone call to a girlfriend. I had no one to check in with or second guess my deicions, whether they were good or bad. Had I stayed in the relationship I would not have experienced this carefree time of my life.

 

I am not trying to convince you either way. I am just using my own personal experience to highlight what life could be life. I can sense you are already emotionally detaching. Make your decision quickly before you put him through the wringer.

[PixelPusher]

I agree with the others that this problem is more about how you view yourself and your fear of being alone, than it is experimenting with other guys. I'm not so sure I agree with the whole "I need to see what else is out there" mentality. If you're happy with your boyfriend, then be happy with him. It is a decision YOU must make and believe in. Yes, there MIGHT be someone "out there" that is better than your boyfriend. But that isn't the point. The question to ask yourself is: Are you satisfied with your boyfriend? If yes... stay with him and invest in the relationship. If not, break up and go find your mystery wonder-boy.

 

So you either need to break it off with him and go experiment (and run the risk of not being able to come back) or make a decision and stay. Maybe you just need to spice up your relationship a bit. It's easy to think "there is more out there than my b/f" but just look at the number of threads here posted by people who are SO frustrated at not being able to find a good man/woman. You've GOT one and you're about to throw it away because the grass seems greener.

 

If you ARE going to break up, do it NOW. If you feel like you're not going to be able to move past this nagging curiosity, it's better now than when you're married and have kids... when you decide to "experiment" by destroying your family.

 

It seems to me your biggest issue is being dependent on ANY guy, hence your fear. You CAN become more independent without breaking up with your boyfriend if that is what you want. It may not be easy, but just explain your feelings to him and if he is as wonderful and supportive as you say he is... then he'll be happy to see you find yourself. Please note: Being with a bunch of random guys doesn't have anything to do with finding out who you are. You're just trying to justify your curiosity by labeling it "finding yourself."

 

So what do you want? To find out who you are or to just date other guys?

 

My parents were high school sweethearts and never dated anyone else. They're still together and just celebrated their 43rd wedding anniversary. They are a perfect example of two happy individuals who stayed together.