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relationship: Being best friends Vs. being attracted


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Everyone has heard the phrase, marry your best friend or being friends in a marriage is the most important; yet I see post after post on this site of people comtemplating divorce because their spouse is just their best friend and do not feel that they are in love largely because they are no longer attracted to them.


So, it goes to reason that, you must have both to be happily married; friendship and attraction for each other.


Then, why do people let themselves go, when attraction DOES matter to establish a healthy loving long term, committed relationship?


Why do people use the excuse, "it's what's inside that matters and not the outter shell, when infact, both the inner and outter matter as a whole.


Do you think it is unfair that someone leaves the relationship because attraction is no longer there?


I think it is valid. One poster put it best


"Love is important in a relationship, but so is Attraction. If you are not attracted to the person then you lose all passion, romance, affection, intimacy, and sex...eventually you lose love. The only thing that remains would be friendship but that creates temptation."

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My nan always say, shes been married to my grandad for 40 years that it goes through stages.


At first your brought together by attraction and passion


Then after a long time it turns into love


Then after an even longer time when you get older you become more like best friends.


I find my fiance is my best friend and I can tell him anything and there is passion. BUT what comes with being best friends is that you can be so open with eachother that theres not as MUCH mystery and passion!


Edit: I think attraction is important, however, when a womans had your kids and shes getting older, a man should admire her and find her attractive for her strength of character. Were all going to get old in the end. At somepoint were not going to be super attractive so there has to be more than that.

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Attraction is a lot more than just looks. Its about passion and compatability and fun and need and love.


Looks is just one aspect of it. Otherwise all men would leave women when they were pregnant/old/had babies, and all women would leave men with guts/baldness/hairy ears/saggy jowls whatever (you make your own list of what is less attractive to you, everyone has one). Time and events have a way of wreaking havoc on everyone, and looks CAN'T be the only basis of attraction or you're doomed.


So it's not simple.. attraction is very complex, and 'letting themselves go' isn't the only factor to losing/gaining attraction.

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Attraction ebbs and flows within us. You can't blame it on the other person. No one is going to be madly passionate for another person 24/7/365. I think it's ridiculous break up because attraction dies down. My ex broke up with me, I believe, for that reason. He said, though, that I was his best friend and he quoted, "They always say you should marry your best friend!" But, he apparently thought the desire for me that had waned was more important than the bond we had begun to develop.


Anyone who expects to be head over heels ALL the time is living in a fantasy world. It's the memory of that initial attraction combined with the bond and the history of the relationship that keep two people together, because nothing remains new and exciting forever.

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I sure agree that looks should not be the main determinant to choosing a mate. What I am saying is that looks do matter and friendship matter in the relationship. So when people use the argument that it's what's inside that counts, i think they have only half of the equation. That is what I am saying. Also, to be madly and passionately in love for 24/7/365 is a ridiculous assumption and to break up when that passion dies is obviously a irrational decision; however, it seems as though out culture is headed that way. As soon as the madly in love phase dies out we look somewhere else to replace that burning.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You explained the whole thing really well Richmonder80. I have always dated men where there was at least some attraction, but at times I was not exactly physically bowled over. Of course, their emotionality and things like their level of inner awareness mattered very much as well...


But now I have just understood something about attraction within say, the last year (I'm 34). I have changed completely - like night to day, in that I have discovered that I do not have an attraction any longer, to men that I would find average looking (which is relative of course, to my indiv. tastes - my average could be another's night in shining armor) no matter how nice of a "soul" they are within. The attraction is just not there & I can't force it. I only want to date someone that I find really highly good looking physically, both in face and physique (being an "inner" or personality match as well of course). In the past I have dated men I've found average, and even one that was a little overweight & probably a tinge less than average looking, to me. I was crazy about him physically at the time. I wouldn't be physically able to be attracted to him whatsoever at this time.


As I have dated a few extremely good looking (to me) and fit men within the last 1.5 years, I have seen the difference in feeling - no comparison.


Though it is not the "be all - end all" of course, I think when we look over at someone & our heart skips a beat in terms of that physical attraction, it adds so, so much more to the relationship over time. It just makes such a difference & I very much believe it can add to longevity of a relationship. Yes, we can love their inner self to pieces, but as the original poster of the msg. says, I think attraction truly matters as a more important piece of the puzzle than is sometimes given credit. Physical attraction is such a pleasurable, positive feeling. And yes, elements of attraction are different to different people. Whatever it is that makes someone physically/sexually drawing to us, needs to be quite consistent.


And I do think we should take care of our bodies for the sake of our own health & fitness firstly, yes, but also to remain attractive and desirable to our mates...

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