Totally heartbroken and devastated after girl I loved so much dumped me 6 months ago.

[stilldevastated]

I became severely depressed last July after a few personal problems(fiancee & young son left me, business went bust, had to go bankrupt, was unemployed for 4 months), but I'd had an amazing new girlfriend who I'd been seeing for 9 months, she was only 20(I was 38) and lived 140 miles away but she was gorgeous, beautiful long blonde hair, blue eyes, funny, she loved all the same things as me, I thought we were a match made in heaven, I thought we were madly in love, although I'd had previous relationships I felt like she was the first girl I'd ever truly been in love with, when I was with her I felt so proud and happy, I felt like I'd won the lottery, even though we only saw each other every few weeks we would talk on the phone every night, sometimes for hours and hours.

 

However, my depression hit me completely out of the blue one day, I just felt overwhelmed and absolutely terrible, very nervous and anxious, I had panic attacks and was shaking, I felt claustrophobic, crying all the time, I felt very sad and lonely and desperate.

My doctor put me on anti-depressant tablets straight away.

 

Unfortunately, probably because she was so young, my girlfriend just couldn't handle it at all, I'd cried a lot down the phone to her and it must have really freaked her out, she became quiet and distant and after a few weeks told me that she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore.

 

I was absolutely devastated and totally heartbroken, she told me on a Friday night and I spent the whole weekend after with my parents as I just wanted to kill myself, I actually thought that I had absolutely no reason to live without her and I wanted to die, I was crying my eyes out constantly and the pain was unbearable, I was screaming with the pain.

 

She said she still wanted to be friends with me and we still called each other, she was still nice enough to me on the phone, it was painful trying to think of her as just a friend though.

 

We met up a few weeks later but was a bit off with me, afterwards we hardly spoke or emailed at all and eventually as I was still very ill I became desperate and bombarded her with calls and emails, when I finally spoke to her she pretty much said she didn't want any contact with me again, except for the occasional email or text.

 

Since then I have had a few texts from her and she replied when I emailed her a couple of months ago but apart from that, nothing. She didn't send me a birthday card in November and no Christmas card either. It was her 21st birthday last week, I sent her a card and a few CDs and DVDs which I'd copied for her that I knew she would love but she still hasn't been in touch.

 

I'm basically resigned to never hearing from her again now, it's 6 months since she dumped me but the pain of losing her has not gone away one bit, I still think about her absolutely ALL the time, everything reminds me of her, music I listen to, TV programmes I watch, things I laugh at, places I go to, everything has a memory of her attached to it and it is unbearable, I still cry loads thinking about what we had and it hurts so so much knowing that I'm never going to be like that again with her, I can't believe I've lost her, I can't come to terms with it at all and I can't get on with my life properly because I'm just thinking about her all day, every day.

 

I've got lots of friends and family who really care about me and help me a lot, I'm still on my tablets and have been for lots of counselling, I still go to a counsellor at the moment and have just started going to a local meeting group for people with mental health problems.

 

One of my friends recommended this site to me so I thought I'd post something on the forum to see if anyone could possibly help me?

I'm absolutely desperate and still very down all the time and just cannot cope, I just don't know what to do!

 

So please help me somebody!!

[blueyes85]

Hey. I'm really sorry that you're feeling so down. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love, especially someone you found devastatingly beautiful, someone you thought was your other half, someone you just absolutely adored.

 

I think we all go back over things we did or didn't do, said or didn't say, wishing we'd done things just a little bit differently, thinking maybe it would have changed everything. Our minds, of course, recognize the futility and irrationality of such thinking, but our hearts simply haven't caught up yet. In your case, you seem to think that your depression drove your girlfriend away, and you may be partially right. But you know what? People who are truly in love, and in it for the long haul, work their problems out. They help each other through the tough times. I think you are 100% correct in thinking your girlfriend's age played a huge role in this breakup. At 20 years old, a boyfriend who's 10 years your senior is kind of a big deal. I'm 22 myself, and personally don't think I'd date anyone more than a few years older than myself. I just don't think we'd have too much in common.

 

At 20, your gf was probably not ready to deal with a 30 year old man, especially since you were going through intense personal problems. But this is not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. Things happen in our lives; sometimes these things are extremely unpleasant. But they happen regardless, and you can't control it. You did not choose to be depressed. It happened. Your gf happened to be in your life at the time, and couldn't cope. She is very young. That is not anyone's fault, so I think you need to forgive yourself.

 

As for the present day...I don't think it's unusual to still have strong feelings for someone you loved six months later, but from the sounds of it, you're having serious trouble coping and moving forward. You mentioned you're in counseling. Have you considered switching therapists? Counseling isn't a one-size-fits-all thing. If you don't feel like you're making any progress, it may benefit you to hunt around for a new therapist who can possibly help you more.

 

Keep posting, and feel free to PM me if you want to talk. You will get through this, I promise.

[blueyes85]

I still think that true love makes it through everything, regardless of the problems occurring.

 

But, it is safe to say that she was probably driven away because all those issues occurred while the relationship was still young. Maybe true love hadn't had time to grow. And, of course, she was only 20 years old.

 

But I mean, I've seen my parents make it through some serious troubles relatively similar to the OP's, and they survived. Love withstands personal issues and partners who are serious about each other should be willing to help each other through the rough times.

 

OP, I think you should focus 100% on yourself right now. Become the person you want to be, and then let everything else (including relationships) fall into place. Your life will be much happier & healthier if you are happy with yourself

[from_the_ashes]

I'm really sorry this happened to you, I can relate to feeling lost without the one you love.

 

I think that it was great you were comfortable enough with her to say how you truly felt, but also consider a lot of women see their men as a rock. What I'm getting at is maybe when you opened up to her, it was too much too soon. Everyone has problems, and that's okay. She was a lot younger than you as well, which I'm sure might play a part.

 

Hang in there, you'll be able to get through this just fine. If you were attractive enough to reel in a 20 year old blonde bombshell, then I'm pretty confident that you'll be able to find another woman who can be there for you.

 

It's hard to get over...and I feel horrible that she left you in a time when you were so vulnerable. Just be strong, keep talking with people about it. It may not take all the pain away, but it will ease it eventually.

 

I wish you the best of luck, keep moving.

[stilldevastated]

Thanks very much for your input guys, my original post printed my age wrong for some reason, I was 38 at the time, she was 20, I'm now 39, she's 21.

 

I still hurt and can't forgive myself for driving her away. Even though she was very young for me, it didn't seem to matter at all, we had virtually everything in common, we liked almost all the same things, same sense of humour, food, everything.

 

I just feel like I can never get over her, I feel like I don't want to get over her because that means that I'm admitting it's all over and I still can't handle the truth, it's horrible and I want to cry all the time.

[stilldevastated]

Well, there's no doubt that you drove away a great woman who cared a lot about you because you became overbearing and loaded her up with all your personal problems.

 

The expression "fake it til you make it" rings true here, as in many places. You can't expect another person to absorb that big a load. Your depression is not her problem and when you compound it with unemployment, and you call her incessently, and break down crying, well, that's just way to much for just about anyone!

 

Live and learn. Next time keep some of it to yourself. Maybe if you get tough, she will come back to you someday, you never know.

I didn't know that she wouldn't be able to cope with it, I'd helped her when she was down, she was nowhere near as bad as me though. Obviously if I'd known how she was going to react I wouldn't have told her, I do wonder what would have happened if I hadn't cried on her and told her bad I was feeling, whether we'd still be together.

[stilldevastated]

Thanks very much for your help, much appreciated. It hurts losing her because I don't think I am that attractive, we just really clicked over a love for the rock band Kiss, I met her at a Kiss convention! I doubt I'll ever meet a girl who likes the same things as me like she did, or a gorgeous young blonde haired eyed girl either!

[stilldevastated]

Thanks very much for your help, much appreciated. It hurts losing her because I don't think I am that attractive and I've never had a great deal of confidence with girls, but we just really clicked over a love for the rock band Kiss, I met her at a Kiss fan convention! I doubt I'll ever meet a girl who likes the same things as me like she did!

[blueyes85]

You can't wonder what might have happened if you had done things differently. You did things the way you did them; you must accept it and realize you have to deal with what IS, not what might have been. I really do think you must focus on yourself right now and healing yourself. If you don't, the next woman you meet will likely be 'driven away' as well. You need to be happy before you get in another relationship, if you want it to last...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think blueyes said it all in her posts. I think at her age she was not prepared to deal with the problems that an older person might have been able to handle better. You need to work on letting this go...I also wonder how much you really fell for her and how much was because you had not properly healed from the breakdown of your previous relationship so you were thrilled when a much younger, beautiful women looked your way....it validated you after you were left by your fiancee. The whole point is that you need to validate yourself...get healthy within yourself and then you will be able to be less needy in a relationship. It is difficult to be in a relationship when going through a depression...you had a lot of personal problems on your plate and I think the honeymoon period masked everything until it all came out in the wash.

[stilldevastated]

I was actually still with my ex-fiancee when I met my amazing young girlfriend, we were temporarily living apart though so that gave my new relationship time to grow, I didn't tell my new gf about my situation at first but when I did tell her she was OK with it, I was ready to split with my fiancee anyway but she left me before I actually did.

 

The fact that my new gf stayed with me after I told her that shows that she did care about me, I know that she must have really loved me from the things she used to say and do, she sent me texts saying that I was the best bf ever, we sent each other texts just full of kisses, we had some great times together going to rock concerts, so I still cannot understand how she can let all that go, that's what hurts me so much,thinking about the good times we had makes me cry loads every time!

[stilldevastated]

I'm feeling a bit better at the moment, my counselling is helping a lot, I feel like I'm almost over my depression as I'm feeling more positive about everything but I'm still very hurt over my ex dumping me and breaking my heart, I still think about her loads but don't cry when I do.

I just feel down all the time and never feel happy, it's like she's robbed me of the ability to be happy, how can I tell myself that it's OK to be happy again even though I've lost her?

[JDMxTeGrA101]

damn bro your not the only one. I'm in the same situation as you right now but the chick I was dating was only for a month and fell really hard for her. So hard to get her off my head too and am always feeling down. Just try to keep yourself busy and IMPROVE yourself. That's what I'm doing right now. Just treating myself out, working out, hanging out with friends and having fun etc...

[HajiMaji]

Man I feel for you. Its rough.

 

Keep doing the counseling. It helped me a bunch.

 

Finding meaning outside a failed relationship can be hard sometimes. It sounds like you put a lot of your eggs into the basket with this girl, and now they are all broken. I think we all do this once or twice in our lives. Keep up with your life now, and post on this site often. Youll get through this.

[stilldevastated]

Thanks for the advice guys, really appreciate your help.

 

I just need to work on my confidence and self esteem cuz it's really taken a beating, I've got no sense of self worth, I feel like 'What's the point?'

 

I feel totally worthless because I've lost her, she was everything to me and I feel like I'm nothing without her.

 

I really miss her cuz she became such a huge part of my life and now there's a big hole where she used to be, it was tough getting through Christmas, then it was her birthday, now it's Valentine's Day very soon, I've got some great memories of this time last year and I'm just thinking of them all the time.

 

I just feel like screaming out in pain all the time!

 

How could she hurt me so much??

[stilldevastated]

It's now 7 months since my 'amazing/girl of my dreams' ex gf dumped me because I got depressed, and now, with the help of lots of medication and extensive counselling, plus the help of all my fantastic family and friends I feel like I am finally beginning to cope with life without her, I feel a lot more positive about my future and can think about my ex without bursting into tears all the time.

 

Could anyone possibly give me some advice though?

I really feel like I need to email my ex and try to explain about my illness(depression) and how it was actually an illness and not something which I could have prevented happening to me, I want her to try to understand that it was my illness which made me act very overemotionally and get too obsessed with her and made me want to contact her all the time, I hate the fact that I scared her so much that she wanted nothing more to do with me and I just really want to know that she doesn't hate me or is frightened of me because I got mentally ill, I can't bear that thought!

 

It would make me feel great and a bit more able to cope to know that she doesn't hate me, I can accept that our relationship is over but would just like us to be able to contact each other every now and then.

 

Do you think this is a good idea? Do you think she would respond or just ignore me?

 

It would kill me if she sent a nasty email back though.

 

Any advice gratefully appreciated, thanks.