Why am I hurting?

[tomtommyboy]

I met a girl about 3 weeks ago, we got on well and went on some dates - she expressed concern about the long distance (about 2 1/2 hours drive) from the beginning, and I wasn't sure how I felt as it was early days and I didn't get a strong feeling either way, I just wanted to see where it went. We were both open about this.

 

10 days ago I spent a long weekend with her - we slept together (no sex but other stuff), hung out the whole time, I went with her to see her play a match, etc. A nice weekend but we both said at the end we still weren't sure, but decided to keep going and see where it went. She did seem pretty into me though, from the things she said, not sure if I misread that...

 

We called a bit during the week, right up until last Friday when she was about to go away on a trip, she called to say she "missed me" and was planning to stay with me the following Monday night. She spent the weekend with some friends and met another guy - they kissed apparently. Anyway, I saw her a couple of days ago (the visit that was meant to be staying the night), she was honest about having met the other guy and kissed him, and said she wanted us to be friends - seemed heartfelt but haven't heard from her since lol.

 

Now I have two questions: firstly, given I wasn't sure I wanted this relationship, and was even erring on the side of wanting it to end (I was telling some people I even thought I wanted it to and was worried about hurting her), why does this hurt? Is it pure ego bruising?

 

Second: do I have a right to be angry with her? I'm not sure she should have gone off kissing someone else when she's still involved with me, however "casual" we were (how casual can spending an entire weekend with someone who's saying very nice things to/about you and having sexual contact with really be?) If so, how should I handle this "friendship" phase, assuming she's genuine? I sort of want to just tell her all this stuff, just to get it off my chest...or do I just ignore future contact, etc.? When we had the "ending it" chat I was exTREMEly fair on her (saying she'd done nothing wrong etc.) Now I wish I'd taken the opportunity to tell her what I really think.

 

Part of me feels I was played - she was keeping me open as an option until something better came along. Now she has (and she's posting photos of her wonderful weekend with this new man on facebook incidentally...) I'm hurting. Even tho I'm not sure I really wanted the relationship myself!

 

Can anyone untangle this? Thanks in advance

[pryda]

It most likely is just an ego bruising.

 

However, it sounds like at least part of the reason you weren't sure about the relationship was down to practical factors such as the distance, so it's possible you still have feelings for the girl and you're just disappointed it didn't work out.

 

The good news is that because this relationship was so short, you won't be hurting for long.

[rikka]

I think it is mainly ego bruising. You were thinking of ending it anyway, she just beat you to it.

 

I don't think you have a "right" to be upset about her kissing another guy. Unless there were concrete discussions of exclusivity etc, it was only a three week fling for all intents and purposes. There was no declarations of commitment.

 

I say just walk away. If you are harbouring ill feelings towards her right now, you can't be "friends". Just leave it be and move on.