redrose85 Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I'm starting to wish I had an anonymous name on here. I just feel so back and forth and many of you "know" me...so I probably sound like a crazy person. I just don't know what is going on with me. I realized last night going to sleep that I cannot just be at a happy medium. In regards to relationships, I'm either single and independent to a fault, or co-dependent. The more I try to avoid it, the more people (namely the boyfriend) cling to me. I'm afraid that I am becoming co-dependent, which is what I was trying to avoid. That is a huge part of it. I either feel really angry or sad, or happy. Lately I am rarely happy with who I am, and there seems to be no middle ground. I either love me and feel like I can conquer the world, or I hate me. The last couple of days, when I walk in the door when I come home, I feel angry. Angry that nothing has been done (chore wise) angry that I feel so angry and just can't say "hello" back to my boyfriend who is going out of his way to be sweet to me. I have good days! Until I get home and see that nothing has been done. Then I just feel pissed off. Also, going to bed last night, I realized something. Though it may not seem like it right now, I do love my guy, and I do want to marry him one day. But, I have been pushing myself to get to that point way quicker than I need to. I figured out why: it's because I think deep down inside that marriage and a new last name, is a new identity for me. It's a way for me to completely shed my past (I explained it better to myself) But the problem is, it isn't. I just do not feel happy, and I don't know what to do! Link to comment
Dako Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 Red, You don't need to have an anonymous name here, you're among good company. In some ways I could have writen a similar post. Finding what you want is truly harder than going after it. I'm sitting in my yard wondering what I should do with my life, and I've had 55 years to look around. With one fine exception, my life is a mess. Don't be angry with yourself. Be your best friend. Link to comment
redrose85 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Share Posted January 23, 2008 I try Dako, but some days, I just can't get there. I feel like I'm going crazy here. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 well, i notice you are 22. most women don't really find themselves until at least 24. so i think this is why you can't find the common ground. Link to comment
redrose85 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Share Posted January 23, 2008 20 and 21 were great, but 22 is sucking for the most part. I feel like I'm wasting my time at school, but the last thing I want is to go back into dead end jobs. Certain things are holding me back from what I could achieve and I feel so blocked. The last few months, I just want to run away from myself. I'm gonna go to the gym now and work out some aggression. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 20 and 21 were great, but 22 is sucking for the most part. I feel like I'm wasting my time at school, but the last thing I want is to go back into dead end jobs. Certain things are holding me back from what I could achieve and I feel so blocked. The last few months, I just want to run away from myself. I'm gonna go to the gym now and work out some aggression. nice. that should help. life can feel bland at times. you'll get through it. Link to comment
redrose85 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Share Posted January 24, 2008 It's the waiting that I hate. I feel like I'm waiting for my real life to start. Waiting isn't going to get me anywhere though. The gym is definitely helpful. I worked really hard today and now I'm feeling pretty tired. It's a beautiful day outside, so maybe I'll go for a walk later on too. That helps with the bland-ness Link to comment
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