Have the Strength to Walk Away

[Dominic_M]

For those that may have read and followed my story, thank you. For those who arent familiar with my tale, I will tell it briefly...

 

7 Year relationship, engagement. We have a daughter together and I raised her sons as my own. Due to my selfishness and addiction to online gaming I neglected her and eventually lost her to a new man she met online. Since the breakup we have been on again off again in terms of reconcilliation. The strongest time being from Christmas to now. I endured visits from her new LDR boyfriend both to her and her to him. I held on to make sure that I atoned for my mistakes and changed to show her I am ready to be everything she needed. I knew the truth. I knew that she was holding on to me in case her LDR wouldent work out. I knew that she loves him and that she was confused, torn between 2 men and hurting because of my pain and her reluctance and dedication to her new relationship. I endured it all for myself, and for her. I endured it all to show her that the pain that I go through is payment for years of neglection.

 

Too little too late I am afraid.

 

Her new boyfriend reciently came out here to visit her. For the first time, he stayed at her house as apposed to a motel. He spent 10 days with her, my kids, and in my old house with her. During this time she tried to decide who to be with. She needed him to come out to her to really decide which man she wanted. She was torn between our past, and her new love for him.

 

She chose me.

 

She and him parted ways for reasons I can only speculate. But during this last week I was unaware of her feelings. I thought the worst, visioned there intimacy, him stepping in to play the father role with my daughter and her sons. With little information forthcoming from her (and what info she gave I honestly couldent believe it to be the truth), the pain was far too much for me to take. The pain that I knew I would have to endure for her and for myself.

 

I tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide for the second time.

 

After my stay in the hospital, my family had taken action to cut her out of my life due to my mental state. But through all that, I still love and am in love with her. She contacted me letting me know her choice and that she was ready to work on us.

 

It was a dream come true for me. The light at the end of this dark tunnel.

 

Last Saturday was everything I have always wanted. She told me she loves me. She told me that they are over, not because of me and my mental state, but because she couldent give him what she wanted. She told me that they werent intimate, and that she refused him. She told me that she couldent stop thinking of me while he was here. She told me that he had left on Wednesday to try to take a early flight back but couldent afford it. So he booked a hotel room. She told me a lot of things, I believed all of it, I truly was happy in the worst time of my life for once.

 

It was all out of guilt. Her words, her actions, her making love to me.

 

All out of guilt.

 

Sunday she told me that he had to leave back to California. He had to checkout of his hotel room by noon, and that his flight wasent until 7 at night. I supported her, wanted to trust her, and gave it. I let her go to him to say goodbye and take him back to the airport. I even gave her money to give him to eat, and have a comfortable flight.

 

Something happened more then just goodbye.

 

That night after returning back to me, she was hurt. Crying, and sad because she does indeed love him. I understood, comforted her and stayed with her for myself and for her. She told me that she feels that she dident make a mistake, and does want to work on us, but she is indeed hurt by the loss.

 

Since then things have changed. She was aware that now I need action, not words to show me that I am her choice, and that she wants to make us and our family work. Her actions are not reflecting her words. She is distant, reluctant to join me for gatherings with my friends, and family. She is not open with sexuality between us, it makes her feel akward. I can tell that she is struggling inside.

 

Last night I can finally say, I am at peace.

 

After a distant but long conversation (mostly lighthearted) she told me that she needs space to get over him. But that she is ready to work on us. She wants to work on us.

 

But why would someone want space if they want to work on reconcilliation?

 

I went to her house last night after work to talk about that. I told her that she isnt showing me. Her actions are showing me the opposite of what she said to me on Saturday. That her actions arent the same they were on Saturday. She told me that its hard, and that she dident say she needed space, but time.

 

Later on after I helped her with her laundry (part of the reason she wasent angry that I just showed up), I asked her why she was so distant to me tonight. She told me that its hard. I told her that last week was her week to finally decide who she wanted to be with. I told her I have to know her choice.

 

For 30 mins or so, she cried, she touched me, she tried to get me to smile and change the subject, but I would not back down. I told her you have to answer me.

 

She finally told me the truth, "I love you, but I am not IN love with you".

 

It was all I needed to hear. For the better part of a year I have been beating myself up to atone for my mistakes I made to her in our relationship. I changed, tried, gave, paid, and took action to show her my dedication to her and that ability that I could be everything she needed. The pain that I endured caused me to try to end my life twice, but that she was worth the pain.

 

I told her with the resolve of a man who has seen the light, no emotion, just the calm comfort that I can finally be at peace. I told her that she cannot contact me for anything outside of the kids. I told her that she cannot fall back in love with someone when she is already in love with someone else. I told her that old love can never outburn the feeling of new love, of new touch. I told her that I can finally have the strength to walk away knowing that I gave my all, did my best, and tried more then I ever thought I could for us and our kids.

 

I told her that she needs to let me let her go. And I have the resolve to stick to my guns on this.

 

I feel elated, at peace and completely optimistic for the future. Yes there is a hole in my heart, yes I hurt for lost love. But I know now that this is not of any fault of my own. The things that may have been able to change her feelings have all been played out. The closure that I finally needed to put this all to rest is finally taken the weight of guilt off my shoulders. I know now that only time will take away the pain of knowing that she is lost to me forever, but I also find a bitterweet solace in the fact that I cannot change this. I cannot make someone love me. I tried, I did. I gave all that I could, and the energy that I put into this will be better served for myself and my daughter.

 

I had the strength to walk away, and I feel stronger now because of it.

 

I dont know what the future holds for her, I imagine she will get back together with him. I hope that she does. I hope the best for both of them because I do love her. I want her to be happy, as she wants me to be.

 

But I know now that there is a future for me. That my life and my body dont belong to me, they belong to those that love me. I can look ahead and smile, because the future now seems bright. The road ahead of me will now outshine the pain and darkness behind me. And I can walk it freely knowing that I am a great person. That I have lost love, but I have given everything in my efforts to reclaim it.

 

It is not tragedy anymore, its a closed chapter in the long book of Dominic.

 

So now I heal. Now I move on. Now I hold true to my resolve and stick to NC with her (my family will work as a medium between us until I am healed).

 

I had the strength to walk away, for myself, for her, for my kids, for my life.

 

Thank you.

[samross]

Dominic,

 

I feel for you, and you've been through a lot. Each of us on here can empathise one or another. A lot of us suffer from depression and know what you're feeling. I admire you for your strength and courage. Lord willing the sun will come up again tomorrow and we'll have another shot at this life. And for all the pain you've been through, you'll be stronger for it.

[HajiMaji]

I dont know how you acted so well during all of this. I feel like you are a good example of someone who tried as long as humanly possible to make something work, but still knew when to walk away. It takes courage to try for as long as you did but it also takes courage to call it off like you did. I am sorry things have been so rough, but I think you did as well as anyone could do. Things will certainly look up for you in the future.

[Dominic_M]

I dont know how you acted so well during all of this. I feel like you are a good example of someone who tried as long as humanly possible to make something work, but still knew when to walk away. It takes courage to try for as long as you did but it also takes courage to call it off like you did. I am sorry things have been so rough, but I think you did as well as anyone could do. Things will certainly look up for you in the future.

 

I dont know how I did it either. The scraps she fed me, the lies, all of it. I knew the truth the day I found out about him.

 

I guess really, it was guilt. When breakups happen, as many have said around here, you are given the opportunity to either learn the mistakes you made and change them for the future, or simply rebound to fill the void.

 

I learned, I changed. But I also tried to rebound, but I couldent do it to myself and to the girls that I dated.

 

I felt I couldent put this to rest until she was given a chance to see that I truly am sorry for what I did, and that I was willing to show her ACTION to reflect that change and my guilt.

 

I had to do it, for myself. To the detriment of even my own life, I had to do it.

 

Last night was the ending I had always imagined it would come to. I knew that one day, throughout all of this, that I would have to be the one to be strong and walk away. I mean, what person wouldent want 2 people loving them and taking care of them?

 

I have the hopefull outlook that one day I will find love again. I am hopefull that it will be far better then anything I experienced with her. I have hope that I will go on to do great things, absolved of my past mistakes, atoned for the pain I caused her.

 

I will always love her, she is the mother of my first child. But I also see that I must now, love myself.

 

Love myself with a clear conscious.

[PixelPusher]

What a story, and though I don't know you, I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and did what you had to to make your life better, as well as your kids. So many people use the "ILYBINILWY" excuse to justify their actions. I hear it, too and it has never once rung true for me. She sounds very confused and yes, she DOES need time to figure out what the heck she wants. In the meantime... live your life to the fullest and love your child to the best of your ability.

[Entropy Smith]

Go easy on the guilt and beating yourself up. Being human is like being the closer of a baseball team. Sometimes you need to cultivate a very short memory if you are going to face the world the next day.

[richmonder80]

I am glad you are now ready and willing to work on yourself. I do believe that it is best that you separate yourself from her and heal yourself and find yourself. But please recognize the fact that committing suicide is selfish and cowardly of you...you thought of yourself only when committing that act and not of your children.

 

Heal yourself and remove her from your life. It is better to be alone than to be in a destructive relationship.

[Sickboy48]

*hugs* Hang in there and work on yourself.