Due to get married in just over two months and now it's over

[Hippy_Chick]

I've been going through a terrible break up recently and I'm not coping at all. I was with my Ex fiance for almost five years. We had our good times and bad times like everyone. We got engaged last April and we due to be married this coming April (Just over two months away). Before we got engaged, we were happy but things started going downhill after that. By October, I was miserable because he wouldn't put any effort into getting our lives into order in time for our wedding. We sat one weekend and discussed all our problems (It was almost like going through a break up) but in the end we agreed to make changes. One of the things that came out of this weekend of discussions was that he had a new best friend. A girl from his work. We agreed to arrange a wee night out in her company so that I could meet her. On the night out, my fiance behaved attrociously. Flirting with her, texting her in the bar (He never sent me a single text), he almost jumped over the table to get up to dance with her at one point and in the five years we've been together he would never dance with me. I was made feel like a spare thumb. I got really upset and started drinking to take my mind of things. When we got home I told my fiance that I was going to be sick. He just reached me a bucket (with dirty cloths inside) and took himself off to the bathroom from where he was sending the girl text messages. I was crying out to him because I felt so ill and the only help he offered was at one point he handed me a glass of water and then continued to text the girl. I ended up falling asleep with my head in the bucket and woke up to my fiance yelling at me to go to bed because he said he'd been trying to get me to go to bed for over an hour. The following morning he was out and had left his mobile phone behind. I read through his texts. There were loads to her, the last of which read, "K is in a worse state than me, I'm going to put her up to bed. I'm not tired, think I'll go on MSN for a while. Fancy a game of jigsaw? That was a joke BTW". I read that that he was trying to get me offside so that he could sit and talk to this girl on MSN while I was in bed (At 1 am in the morning). I asked him about it the following day and we ended up having an argument that lasted 2 1/2 weeks which ultimately led to me losing a stone and a half in weight, losing several nights sleep and eventually I had to ask him to go to him mums. Since breaking up I've been trying to get a reconsilliation going. I've accepted that there was nothing going on between that girl and him. I've apologised for my part in the disintegration of our relationship. I have told him that I want to try and work things out. For weeks he's been indicating that he would like to try to salvage something but that he's not sure if we would ever get back together. He wanted me to be his friend and I told him that I couldn't because it would hurt me too much. He said that he woud stay faithful to me and we could meet up for an occasional coffee to see how we would get on. Then he changes his mind and it's obvious that his heart's not in it at all. Last week he suggested that we take a week apart to calm down and that we'd talk on the phone on Sunday about stuff. When he called he just wanted to talk about the weather etc. I asked him when were we going to talk about us and he started getting angry and said that's not what we had agreed at all. I've told him I still love him and that I do genuinely want to try and work things out. He has told me that he both loves me and hates me at the same time and that he doesn't know what he wants.

 

We have agreed not to see anyone until we get this sorted out but last night I noticed that he had added two new girls onto his Facebook. I phoned to ask him who they were and he wouldn't tell me. He said that I had no right to ask, I said that considering we are supposed to be trying to sort this out, and that I've stayed faithful to you for the past two months, I don't think that it's an unreasonable request. He said that he met them in chat rooms and that they're just friends. We started into a whole discussion. D was being completely unreasonable about everything and ended up being very nasty. He made out that I was so horrible to him and that I never showed him any affection at all in the time that we were together (That's complete lies). He was getting so nasty at one point I hung up the phone. He then rang me back and said it was over if I didn't love him anymore. I asked him when I said that and he basically came out with this whole big spiel of what he claimed I had just said. I never said any of it. He kept saying things like "Shush" and "Will you give over about the wedding". The argument just got nastier and nastier and in the end he made out that I was some kind of cold hearted monster without any feelings. I hung up and was so upset. I started thinking back over the things that I had done over the time we were together. I phoned him back and basically lost it. I said everything and then I went too far. I spoke of how when his mum was broke one time, I took a morning off from work to drive the 24 mile round trip to meet his mum to loan her £60, I talked of how when him mum had a fall, instead of letting her wait for D's dad to come home, I drove over to her house and then all the way up to the hospital and sat with her for six hours (a 70 mile round trip). I said you're making me out to be a complete monster and I would have done anything for your family because I loved you. I then said, your dad is beating your mum up and sending her to work with bruises and you're sitting back, letting it happen and then sucking around your dad for handouts, and I'm the monster. At that he broke down crying and made out that he didn't know. Told me to go away and leave him alone. I said to him, how could you not have known, your mum talks about it all the time within ear shot of both you and your dad. I asked him what did he think when his sister was talking about when she brought it up in the last argument she had with your parents. He said that he used to beat her up but he thought it had all stopped. He was just crying on the phone and I felt so bad. I kept phoning him back to talk to him and he just kept saying leave me alone. I never slept a wink last night and sent him three texts to apologize. I asked him to ring me once he was awake. I got a text from him this morning at 5.30 saying that he had only got my texts and was ok. I phoned him, I said that I don't know what's going on between us anymore, whether it's deliberate or not but we keep hurting one another. I told him that it was getting completely out of hand and that I wasn't going to contact him again. I asked him was he ok and he said he was, then silence. He then just said that he'd be in contact soon (Very coldly). I'm just completely gutted. I've behaved so completely irrationally because I love him so much and I'm so frustrated that he doesn't understand me. During the argument last night he kept bringing friends into it. He said his best friend thinks that I over reacted big style about his friendship with this new girl. I just want to contact his friend and tell him my side of the story but I know that won't do any good.

 

I was on MSN last night and he messaged me. Said he was just wanting to see if I was ok. I told him that I was still very upset over what had been said the night before. He said he felt the same way. He then started going on about why he didn't understand why I said it and how he is so sick over it all. I explained why I said it, told him that I genuinely thought he already knew and that I was sorry that he had to find out this way. He just kept going on about how upset he was especially how he found out. I said to him that I was really sorry and that I didn't say it to hurt him but that it's his dad that he needs to be angry at right now, I only told him what was happening. I apologised several times during the course of the conversation and he just kept going on about how he didn't know how he felt about me as a result. I told him that I still loved him and that I didn't want it to be over but that I wouldn't contact him again. He said just give me a few days. I apologised again for what I said and he said he knew that I didn't do it to hurt him. I signed off, I love you so much, bye xxx. His answer was I'm going to go and grab a hot drink, BRB. Then nothing. He was still on-line for ages after that and never said a further word. He's just hurting me now. It wasn't as if I was the only one to blame for what was said the night before. He was downright horrible to me and said a lot of very hurtful things. This has now all come back onto me and yet again it's all my fault. I can do nothing right in his eyes> I really don't know what to do. I feel that I if I am going to cut off contact that things should be left in a better way that they are but every time we talk, we both get emotional and end up arguing. I'm going to try no contact. Am I doing the right thing?

[lizer]

im sorry for the pain you are dealing with.

there are two sides to any story, im sure he has his own views...

however i must tell you that red flags went off as soon as you mentioned him having a new 'best girl' friend. im sorry, i think its fine if our significant others have casual girl acquaintances, but honestly YOU should've been his best friend and the only girl he needed in his life. him making you feel 'second rate' by his very obvious actions towards her, is not acceptable.

[rosephase]

Would you be reacting the same way if he was behaving this way with a new male friend?

[Hippy_Chick]

Hi Rosephase!

 

If he were acting like this with a male friend I'd be even more worried because I'd think he was gay. He hounded me for two weeks over this friendship even though I was broken hearted and very ill over it. He's never gone onto MSN at 1 am in the morning to talk to any other of his friends which I do think that it makes this scenario a little bit different and also the fact that he hid his relationship from me made me worry too. He was very open about which male friends he went for lunch with. He'd been lunching with her for three months before she told me. If at this stage he still says there was nothing going on, I do have to believe him but it was very suspicious and I don;t believe he handled it particularly well.

[Veroni]

First off let me say how very sorry Iam about the enormous pain that you must be feeling. You have suffered loss through no fault of your own. This man was commited to marry you until he met his new "best friend." He has tasted what is on the other side and thinks the grass is greener over there. Let me tell you that this is temporary. Right now he is flriting with other women and loving every minute of it.....he doesnt have a clue at what he is giving up. He will one day......but you shouldnt wait around for that to happen. The thing with his mother is just an excuse to unload his guilt on you. He is turning the tables so that he doesnt have to feel bad about screwing you over. He is doing anything he has to do to minimize the blame on him. Dont let it get to you....He knew/knows about his mother, this is just a blame game he is playing on you. Now he can be mad at you, and the break up is justified. Its all a game. Right now, you have to face what and how your life is. It will hurt...alot. It will wake you up at night, and keep you from eating. You have a tough road ahead of you, but you can take action to healing. NC counds like a plan right now, especially since he is being so cold hearted to you. Think of it this way.....every single time you call him up, its going to hurt and you are going to cry from it. Dont set yourself up for pain. Plus he needs time to really let it sync in about what he did, and what he wants to do. You have to open your eyes and see that you and him are not an "us" anymore. You have to be your own best friend, your own bodyguard. No one can fix this or hurt you but you. You call all the shots in your life and you have to go into survival mode. Think and use logic to get you thorugh this because being lead through emotion and with your heart will just keep you back. Everytime you feel like you are going to break from this, imagine what you would tell someone else in your exact situation. Aquire strength on your own, through what you have inside. You can and will get through this. This will not kill you, nor will it break you. YOU have power inside of you to overcome.....harness that power and heal. Dont think about what is best for him, think about what is best for you. Hold onto your dignity and embrace your stability. You are going to be ok.....just give it time.

 

Good Luck!

[rosephase]

Hi Rosephase!

 

If he were acting like this with a male friend I'd be even more worried because I'd think he was gay. He hounded me for two weeks over this friendship even though I was broken hearted and very ill over it. He's never gone onto MSN at 1 am in the morning to talk to any other of his friends which I do think that it makes this scenario a little bit different and also the fact that he hid his relationship from me made me worry too. He was very open about which male friends he went for lunch with. He'd been lunching with her for three months before she told me. If at this stage he still says there was nothing going on, I do have to believe him but it was very suspicious and I don;t believe he handled it particularly well.

 

Well...sucks... It sounds like he has feelings for her even if he hasn't acted on them. Usually I would say try and give it the benefit of the doubt but... man this one is hard. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It might be time to walk away.

[Clabs]

Hey Hippy Chick and welcome to ENA. I am only sorry for the troubles that have bought you here, and crikey - what big troubles they are.

 

Veroni has given you some fantastic and very wise advice here and I don't think I have much more to add.

 

The only thing I would say is, as hard as it may seem right now, is that I think you dodged a bullet here. This jerk has given you an insight into what married life would entail with him and for this you should be grateful.

 

Take things real slow for now - this is a rocky old road and you will have ups and downs. But you can do this - time is a very great healer.

 

Take care of yourself honey.

 

Mark

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I get the feeling as the wedding got closer and your relationship began unraveling that he didn't think the issues you were having were worth saving, and he was having doubts since he was behaving very inappropriately with his 'friend' from work. I too would have felt very disrespected if my fiance behaved this way and I can't say our wedding would be happening without some very serious counseling and him backing off from this friend in a major way.

 

About what you said about his mom....I can definitely see how what you said was very hurtful, but I think it has to be taken in context... you were both hurting, he was slinging attacks and insults on your character and you were probably looking for a way to hurt him as equally. You've been more than apologetic and while you can't take it back- he wasn't exactly an angel himself so he really can't hold this against you fairly without assuming some responsibility himself.

 

I think at this point I would back off and do NC for awhile... you've said what you need to say and right now anything further is just going to fall on deaf ears.

 

If you are really interested in working things out, while you are on your own, think about the things that drove you apart and what you can do for your part to fix them. Give it some time. Think about if you really think being with him and marrying him after all this damage has been done is a good idea, and a safe one.

 

Then, if he contacts you, you can go from there. But there is a chance that after all this time and all this hurt that the damage is just too great to repair.

 

Best of luck.

[Hippy_Chick]

Hi guys!

 

Just a wee update. As I said before, I told him that I wouldn't contact him again and he said for me to give him a few days. That was Monday night and he hasn't contacted me. He's going on a trip today for a few days to visit a friend and I know he won't be back until mid next week. When he was first telling me about this trip, he was saying how he was going to go over and he and his friend were going to just "hit the bars". I know he's going out "on the pull" so to speak. Men always seem to do that. My heart is breaking at the thought of it. I know if he had been thinking of me at all he would have been in contact before he left. It's so difficult. My heart is breaking, despite the hurt, I'd love to still try and work things out. I know we'd need to do counselling but I personally think that what we did have at one time was worth it. Something I must also explain, My fiance was the first real relationship that I had. I lost my virginity to him, we'd planned starting a family later this year, I'm just so gutted! Oh whats the best thing to do to get over this?

 

Xxx

[Clabs]

Hey Hippy Chick

 

This is still very early days for you and you will have all sorts of thoughts charging through your head. More specifically - worries and wonders of what they are getting up to without you and your silly warped mind always conjours up unpleasant thought of the ex pulling someone else - snogging (or worse) someone else. It is - as you are experiencing - heartbreaking.

 

It always sucks when the other person doesn't seem to see the value (for want of a better word) of what you had together and that they do not think things are worth working through.

 

Gutted is a pretty good description - I am with you on that one!

 

It won't seem like it right now but if he doesn't contact you again it will make things easier for you - it really will. I got all manner of confusing messages from my ex that so pulled at my heartstrings - but they were just BS and nothing more. It took me a couple of months to wise up but it was time I wasted not working on me.

 

What can you do to get over this? In short - time. You have to suck up the cr@ppy thoughts for now - and know that you WILL feel better with a bit of time because that will allow you to gain some clarity. Right now, you look on the relationship with your rose tinted glasses - your emotions trick you into fantasizing about all that was good in your relationship and block out what was bad.

 

But give yourself a reality check once in a while, why don't you? This guy doesn't seem like a catch or a keeper to me - he sounds like a disrespectful bastard for the lame and pathetic way he has treated you. Can you really imagine a married life with him? I think youd be as miserable as sin in no time at all.

 

Keep posting and updating us on here darling. Use this as your timeline to getting you back again.

 

Look after yourself - and keep telling yourself that you deserve so much better than this.

 

Mark

[Hippy_Chick]

Hi guys!

 

Thanks for all your posts and your your advice. I know it all makes so much sense but I'm too weak to act on it. I was so depressed yesterday. The bridesmaid dresses which I'd ordered from House of Brides (USA) arrived yesterday. My dog (who actually lives with my mum) got badly injured and had to be rushed to the vets. I hadn't heard from my Ex since Monday night and I really needed someone to turn to. I texted him to see if he could chat to me on MSN but he phoned me instead. He was at the airport travelling over to his friends house. I just broke down when I heard his voice. I told him that the bridesmaid dresses had arrived, that my dog had been injured and had to go to the vets and that I was so upset. He was concerned and ask me to text him later about the dog. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him while he was at the airport, I didn't want to upset him so he said he'd phone me that night. As soon as I heard what was happening with the dog, I texted him back to let him know and I also suggested that he didn't phone me that night as he was visiting a friend and it wasn't fair on him. I said that if he wanted to talk we could do that if he liked when he got home. I didn't get his text until later that night (I was out at my mum's without my phone). His answer was, good to hear about the dog, are you off out tonight? I answered that I wasn't going to go out until tomorrow night instead and then I didn't hear anymore. I was a bit upset that I didn't hear from him after that to confirm whether or not he wanted to talk to me at some stage. This morning I got up and was feeling as low as I have done. I stupidly sent him a text telling him I was feeling very down and asked if I could phone him. He phoned me. We ended up having quite a nice conversation just talking about general stuff. He was telling me about things that he's bought and said, "You can see them when you are over". He was telling me about the latest Sweeney Todd movie, was telling me that he had downloaded it and would do a copy for me if I liked. In general he was being pretty much like the guy that I had gone out with. I ended the converation and he then said he'd phone me tomorrow night when he gets home.

 

I knwo I've just opened up another can of worms and the cycle will start all over again. I really shouldn't have contacted him at all. I was just hurting so badly and he was always my best friend and the only person I could ever turn to. My heart is breaking inside. I'm really not coping with this at all.

[Clabs]

Hey honey

 

Don't beat yourself up that you called him. You cannot turn back time and i am not surprised that you wanted to call him what with those dresses arriving and the drama with your poor dog - uuuggghhh.

 

You seem to recognise that it has opened things up again for you - and it does, as bitter a pill that is to swallow right now. The fact is that if you continue to contact him, you will keep on setting yourself back - keeping old wounds fresh.

 

It might take you some time to get it, but I have seen on here so many people who have felt weak, contacted theit ex's and been totally set back by the whole experience. Unless someone tells you they made a mistake and want to try again, you are much better off leaving them be with their decision.

 

It is hard - very very hard to let go - and you do need to take this in little baby steps for now because your emotions are so raw. But I promise it will get easier with a bit of time. I know - it sucks - like something your parents may have told you when you were excited and impatient for something - but it will be your friend.

 

Take care honey - look after yourself.

 

Mark

[Hippy_Chick]

Thanks Mark!

 

Was just wondering what you (Or anyone else out there) would advise me to do tomorrow night when he calls. Should I ignore it and do nc from now or should I wait and see what he says?

[Hippy_Chick]

Hi guys!

 

He phoned on Sunday night and I decided to take ths call. We just chatted for a good wee while about all kinds of impersonal things. We were getting on really well. Laughing and just catching up. He asked about the dogs "Our boys" which made me feel a bit hopeful. The conversation then turned to us and he was a bit annoyed that I was enquiring. He said the up until 30 secs ago we were fine and now look at us. I asked him what was wrong, that we were still only talking. No one was arguing. He said ok then. He said we do need to talk but that he couldn't do it now as he was really tired after the whole weekend and after travelling today, I'll give you a ring on Wednesday night and we can talk properly he promised. I came off the phone feeling very mixed up indeed. In one sense I felt that we were starting to make progress but I've been asked to wait again to talk about things. I got very emotional after that. My mood went downhill really badly. Monday I took the day off work and just lay in bed. I went to visit my mum for a bit and just started crying. My mum started shouting at me and said I was getting on really silly over all of this. I was upsetting her crying so much, so I left the house and went home. At this stage I felt so abandonned. I was thinking of doing something really stupid. In the end I thought I'll phone my Ex and if I hear his voice it'll help me. I phoned him in a fit of tears. He was just so cold. Said I can't speak to you if you are crying. I tried my best to compose myself and we ended up chatting for a wee bit. He wasn't comforting, he wasn't affectionate (Even in the capacity of a friend). I told him how I felt, how I didn't know where we stood anymore. I told him that he knew how I felt about him and that I didn't know how he felt about me and it was just prolonging the pain for me. I asked him to be straight with me what he wanted and he said that I knew. That he wasnted us to be friends. At that I just said to him that he'd been keeping me hanging on for months to be friends. Then I hung up. He phoned several times after that, sent me texts to my phone. Eventually I went onto MSN and talked to him. He said, after I asked him, that he still loved me but didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship with me. He said that we'd have to be friends first and see how it would work out from there. I asked him did he want me to pretend to be his friend even though I was dying inside. He said I was being unfair and I knew what he wanted. This conversation went on for about an hour and in the end I told him that there was no compromise between what we wanted. I wanted for us to try counselling and try and sort out our problems and he he just wanted to be friends. I asked him how he could expect me to accept being his friend when I was supposed to have been the mother of his children and his wife. I asked him how this friendship thing would work, when would see him and he said anytime. I asked him could I go out with him on Saturday night (He's celebrating his 30th Birthday and that girl from his work will be there). He said that I couldn't as he wouldn;t be able to spent the entire night with me and it wouldn't be fair on me. I told him that I didn't mind and then then he started asking me had I invited him out on my birthday etc. When I was able to say that he was, he had no answer he just changed the subject. We talked on for another while and in the end I just said that we'd be better not seeing one another again. That I was being hurt and he clearly wasn't affected by it at all. So that was that. I'm absolutely dyign now and I knwo that I have to just stay away from him. I've signed up to the no contact challenge and I've deleted all his contact details so that I can't contact him but I'm sure if I really needed to I'd find a way. It's a horrible feeling. I feel sick constantly and very anxious. I don;t think I'll ever trust anyone again never mind be able to go through the organisation of a wedding again.

[Clabs]

Hey HippyChick!

 

Sorry you are still hurting honey - breakups suck - no two ways about it.

 

Honey - you touched the light again - and you got burnt - again. This contacting him will only prolong your hurt and sadness. You want to hear his voice but he is cold with you.

 

You cannot be his friend - you identify that this is true. And what sort of a friend do you think he would be to you anyway?

 

It wasn't fair of your mum to act that way - it is important to grieve this out and cry when you need to.

 

You will feel like you won't ever trust anyone else again - oh and the organisation of another wedding - uuuggghhh. Those feelings are all pefectly normal.

 

You will feel sick and anxious for a time - again - that is normal. But you have to recognise that contacting him any more will just set you back. You are worth far far more than these pathetic scraps he is throwing your way.

 

The NC challenge is good - and a good step to delete all his contact details.

 

Keep coming back here for your support honey - we can help you through this rotten spell.

 

Mark

[Emmabumble]

Hey, your scenario sounds vaguely like mine - with the texts and MSN etc. That's ultimately what led to our break-up last week and I'm struggling to get on with things. Had to move back in my parents which is humiliating, two best pals are pregnant, other getting married. It's all very hard to be around as I was planning the wedding and we agreed to start trying for a kid in October.

But your ex is talking to you (sort of) and that's a good start. Mine won't and I think this is adding to my heartache.

 

But what my pals keep telling me is what I'm about to tell you - you DO deserve better. Can you imagine always wondering who the texts are from, or who he's talking to on MSN? Life would be torture.

 

I am feeling incredibly sick and anxious too and it's horrible, but comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels they are actual dying of heartache here.

I do hope you're ok and maybe we can advise each other, or simply offer words of comfort. xx