Fruitfull1 Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I have posted 2 threads about my current boyfriend who has cheated on me twice in the last 2 years (that I know of). He is 31 and I am 25. We live together and have a baby together. For more insite on the situation please see my other threads in the infidelity section..... He has now decided to make a *marital committment* to our relationship and we are going to be married on his birthday four months from now. We have a 3 month old daughter together. My question is: am I doing the right thing? I love him with all my heart and am in love with him and I want to marry him. He seems happy with his decision but seems to be NOT as excited about us getting married as I am. He seems happy but not excited. Is there something wrong with that or am I over thinking it? I have not received a ring (mostly due to financial reasons). He asked me to marry him a few times but this time I gave him a choice to either step up and be a man and follw through with his promise of marriage to me or step aside and let the man who WANTS to marry me come into my life. Was that wrong? Is that forcing him into marriage even though he has asked me before in the past? I expressed to him that I am so happy we are getting married and I asked him if he was happy and he said yes. I then said I am really excited about it and he said..." lets calm down and enjoy the moment. I am happy but I express it differently and plus I expected that we would." So am I over analyzing it? He's also acting slightly distant. The other night I got into it so bad with his dad because he kept saying that I only wanted to get married to his son just to say that I am married and because we have a baby together and because we live together. They told him that he doesn't have to marry me just because of those things and because I told him to either step up or step aside. but yet they say that they are happy with whatever we decide to do and it's our decision. I get the impression that they don't want him to marry me even though he is the one who messed up in the relationship and I chose to forgive him and continue a relationship. Am I over thinking this as well? We went and got our marriage license on last friday...does that mean that he is serious about marrying me and really does love me? What about his ex that he cheated on me with twice? He says he doesn't love her and wants to be with me because he LOVES me. Was she just a side piece or do you think he will continue to see her after we are married? I know marriage won't change him but he has honestly changed alot of his behavior from when we started dating. He doesn't go out to clubs...hasn't been to a party in LONG time. He comes home to me every night. I gave him the trust back for the simple fact that he is willing to try to committ to a marriage with me. Is it possible that he really does love me but just got caught up in a *fling* with his ex? Any advice would be appreciated....would really LOVE to hear from mens perspectives too and women in similar or same position as me. Thx! ](*,) Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 i think that with your feelings of doubt, you should put the marriage on hold. maybe you two should get some couples' counseling. but if you have suspicions, and he doesn't seem so excited to get married, i think those are big warning signs. listen to your gut! Link to comment
juicey Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 He has cheated on you before, have you resolved those issues with him? Do you believe he will do it again? Marriage is troublesome as it is, I can't imagine going into a marriage with those kind of problems. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I then said I am really excited about it and he said..." lets calm down and enjoy the moment. This would have absolutely floored me. I think you are forcing him into this marriage, for what it is worth. And you are probably going to live to regret it. He seems to be turned off by your happiness. What a bummer. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Honestly, the first thing that came to mind when I read the title of your thread was "Please Don't Do it!" But if you still plan to marry him then definitely get some premarital counseling. Or you can even be like Catherine Zeta-Jones and insist on a prenup which contains special provisions if he ever cheats on you again: link removed Link to comment
Fruitfull1 Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 No I don't think he will do it again. as for resolving the issues I have forgivin him and we are going to start a clean slate because we can't take back what he has done. I feel like he is the type of person that if he doesn't want to do something...he won't. Link to comment
Fruitfull1 Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 This would have absolutely floored me. I think you are forcing him into this marriage, for what it is worth. And you are probably going to live to regret it. He seems to be turned off by your happiness. What a bummer. You think so? He says he just wants to make me happy. So you think he really wants me to be miserable? I gave him a choice to either step aside or step up and he chose to step up. So if a guy chooses to step up that means he is being forced because he doesn't want to split up? I did kinda feel sad alittle bit when he said lets calm down and enjoy the moment but I was not sure if I took it the wrong way.... Link to comment
juicey Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Ultimatums are never good. Look at it this way, would you want someone to marry you just because you said that they have two choices 1) break up or 2) marry me. Just by posting your original post, there is something telling you that there is a problem. Additionally, reading your responses to the other posters it is almost like you are justifying his response to you. Even though you were the one to post the problem. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Imagine when you are older, looking back to that magical moment when you told him to stand up and be a man. Sort of like telling a child it's time to go to the dentist I think. And I believe he would rather have a root canal than to do this from what you've said. But if it's that important to you to have a wedding, then I guess you should go ahead and do it. Link to comment
Fruitfull1 Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 Ultimatums are never good. Look at it this way, would you want someone to marry you just because you said that they have two choices 1) break up or 2) marry me. Just by posting your original post, there is something telling you that there is a problem. Additionally, reading your responses to the other posters it is almost like you are justifying his response to you. Even though you were the one to post the problem. No I'm not justifying anything I was just asking a question. I feel like it is what it is. I felt that he needed to make a choice at this point because I was not willing to stick around ANOTHER year for an empty promise if we are not getting married. I feel like whats the point of keep asking and it doesn't happen but we are STILL together in a relationship. If he did not want to get married he could say that and we go our separate ways. I have no problem with that. I love him and would rather him say he doesn't want to get married and leave then stay in a relationship he is not happy with. but he swears he is happy. Link to comment
Tethys Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I think you are making a mistake if you marry him. Too many unresolved issues with him and his family. However, it sounds as though your mind is made up -- you want to marry him. It sounds as though he'll go through with it - though he doesn't sound particularly thrilled. Perhaps he feels it's more out of obligation, especially since you have a child together? I would think really long and hard about this, if I were you. Best of luck. Link to comment
Dako Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 If I were you I'd forgive him, but marry someone who never cheated on me. Marriage is a big deal, and he seems too casual about this. Link to comment
juicey Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 No I'm not justifying anything I was just asking a question. I feel like it is what it is. I felt that he needed to make a choice at this point because I was not willing to stick around ANOTHER year for an empty promise if we are not getting married. I feel like whats the point of keep asking and it doesn't happen but we are STILL together in a relationship. If he did not want to get married he could say that and we go our separate ways. I have no problem with that. I love him and would rather him say he doesn't want to get married and leave then stay in a relationship he is not happy with. but he swears he is happy. Okay, if you feel like it is what it is...then why post asking if you are doing the right thing? It wouldn't be a problem then. You are justifying. You are asking for feedback and when someone is giving it to you - you are replying in his defense. So, why post at all if there is not a problem and it is what it is? I don't mean to sound harsh, but I hope you look at the situation honestly. Link to comment
catwalk Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 O M G THIS is how he got you to stick around?!?!?! What a coward!!! My friend put (is putting) his girlfriend through the same thing and I can tell you right now he's not going to change, but if she tried to leave he might do this same thing if he got scared enough. Marriage is just a piece of paper, and means nothing about his commitment. 10 bucks says he moves the wedding date, but for your sake I hope I'm wrong and this turns out well for you!!!! I've read all your topics and my heart really does go out to you, he's put you through so much! Link to comment
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