Moving on? - Letting go? - How?

[Opaque1997]

Okay I am begging and pleading - most of you have probably read my story, if not the short end is ex broke with me 1.5 weeks ago because he couldn't figure out how to take the next step into marriage and he was stuck and didn't know what else to do. He is in a lot pain as am I as this is a break up. This was not a break - but both of us previous to the break had discussed the idea that we may need to break up to get back together (he saw a good point to it, I hated every thought of it). So now here we are.

 

I am trying to go NC because for my heart I have to - he has posted a profile on Match and though he says he isn't looking for love, but rather just reaching out (and yes I believe him say what you will but you aren't me or him) - even though I believe him it doesnt' matter I'm not stupid I can't put my heart in that possibility.

 

We have a lot of unfinished business - and we have to talk to do that (move out of his house, etc). It can be very minimal and I am trying.

 

ANYWAY - what I am looking for is how do you grieve the relationship, the break, without getting over him. How do you do what you need to do to be a healthy person and "move on" while you still love him and hope he will come back some day? - I just feel like if I actually grieve him I am giving up on it and I don't want to. And it hurts to think I might have to accept that he is never coming back, though I know it is not true - or at least I want to believe it isn't true.

 

Help - all I know is it hurts like heck and I go back to therapy on Thursday - she wants to know what I want for me and what I want to do for me. I want my ex back, I want the life that I wanted with him back, and most of all I want him to WANT me back. I know I know - basically I want a man who wants me for me and he isn't that - but it isn't that simple.

 

........

[Crazyaboutdogs]

ANYWAY - what I am looking for is how do you grieve the relationship, the break, without getting over him. How do you do what you need to do to be a healthy person and "move on" while you still love him and hope he will come back some day? - I just feel like if I actually grieve him I am giving up on it and I don't want to. And it hurts to think I might have to accept that he is never coming back, though I know it is not true - or at least I want to believe it isn't true.

 

If you keep hanging on to hope, you will not grieve the relationship and you will not be able to move on. To say that you want to grieve and move on, while at the same time saying you don't believe it is over is a contradiction. In order to grieve and move on, you have to believe that it is over....you have to let go of hope and embrace your future without him. You may want your ex back, but he clearly doesn't want you back at this point in time and you need to accept things as they are right now so that you can heal and enjoy your life. The longer you dwell on wanting him back, the longer you will stay stuck and won't be able to move forward with your life.

[fivespot]

How do you do what you need to do to be a healthy person and "move on" while you still love him and hope he will come back some day?

 

Honestly, the answer is you don't.

 

Hang in there. I'm pretty much going through the same thing. I was even on here a few weeks ago telling everyone on here how proud I was of myself for finally feeling like I'm moving on.

 

Guess what? I felt good for about a week. Then I started missing her again. I feel like it's an endless cycle. But it can't go on like this...for my sanity, something must drastically change...I must make some kind of change eventually if I ever want it to stop.

 

And like you, right now I'm not quite ready to completely let go.

 

But, to direct things back to your situation...I'm sorry you're going through this. I get so angry when I hear someone telling their partner "I need a break to see if I really miss you."

 

That has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. No offense to your guy, but what happened to appreciating you every day? You shouldn't have to spend time apart to know if you appreciate someone. You either do or you don't.

 

So, if you want to know the answer to your question, you have two options: You try to ride out the storm, letting him drag you through the dirt into the great unknown while he wrestles with his confusion. Either that, or you let go right now and never look back.

 

But it seems like you're right where I am and I think you'll take the first choice. Sorry, but you can't do both. For most people (except serial daters) it's impossible to date someone while your heart is with someone else.

 

If you let him drag you through the dirt, your friendship could be in ruins by the end of it all. But I guess it all depends on how much you really love him. Will you really be willing to still love him no matter what he does to you???

 

Letting him do this...have his cake and eat it...is extremely selfish on his part. But if you let it happen because you love him, well then I see no other option. Just know what your getting yourself into.

 

But you can't move on from him and still want him back at the same time. Sorry.

[brooooooooke]

If you keep hanging on to hope, you will not grieve the relationship and you will not be able to move on. To say that you want to grieve and move on, while at the same time saying you don't believe it is over is a contradiction. In order to grieve and move on, you have to believe that it is over....you have to let go of hope and embrace your future without him. You may want your ex back, but he clearly doesn't want you back at this point in time and you need to accept things as they are right now so that you can heal and enjoy your life. The longer you dwell on wanting him back, the longer you will stay stuck and won't be able to move forward with your life.

 

GOOD advice.

[Opaque1997]

OKay - I understand the need for this to be black and white, but honestly I think there is a grey area - I do not think that I have to never want to be in a relationship with him ever again to move on with my life and grieve, I think there is a possibility I can grieve the loss of what was and hope for what might be in the future. I'm not sure how to articulate it or do it really - but I think if I can grieve what was, and grieve over the loss of the "power" or what I wanted to happen - I can still hold onto hope that one day I will be with my ex in a place where he wants to be with me. It is almost like I need to grieve the fact that he isn't in that place and that we can't have the story I wanted us to have, but still allow myself to believe/hope that he will be in a place to be able to love me the way he and I want him to, and we can have a new relationship that will be better then what we have - in a sense what is the difference between that and grieving the loss of a relationship and having hope that you will have a new one?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are bargaining with yourself and are not ready to let go. True healing only comes when you can let go. You have no idea if you two will get back together...nobody knows what the future holds. It is over..he is looking to meet others plain and simple...maybe you will get back together after he has had his fun...but maybe that won't be for 2, 3, 4+ years. Are you going to hang on to hope for that long while he is out there having his fun with other women? Don't you think you deserve better than this? What makes him so special that you would want to keep hoping to be with him while he is sitting there making himself available to other women?

[Opaque1997]

I agree - I am bargaining to some extent - unfortunately I am only as far as I can be right now. I do need to clarify, I realize that part of greiving over the relationship as it was and grieving over the fact he isn't in a place that can lead to a new relationship yet, means that I have to be open to the idea that he will never be and that the new relationship I may want / find is with someone other then him. I understand that but unfortunately - my heart is tied up in him right now - so to just admit that he can't be what I want at this time is a big step - maybe some day I can get to a point where I can see that he never will be - or that someone else may be sooner. Make sense?

[finalcloud13]

In situations where you are unable to help yourself heal through your own willpower, it's all left up to time to heal all wounds.

 

Letting go does not equate to not loving the person anymore. You'll still love them the same, but will have accepted that they may not want to be with you and that it's okay if they don't. Accepting reality is indeed a tough step, and I hope you get through it with minimal pain and loss of time. But once you do, it's euphoric.

[Tinnes]

Have to pass some period during which you'll suffer a lot and try to get him back. He'll reject you, so it will be very hard every time again and again. One day you'll realize you're enough of that pain. When you decide to go NC it will hard first few days, but after a month you'll be better. You'll start to observe the things from another point of view. It just needs time. (4-6 months)

[renaissancewoman101]

Sometimes it takes forever. Some people stay hung up on someone for years. It all depends.

 

It's not easy to let go.

 

Unlike the others, I do think one CAN let go and still keep somewhat of a small hope, in the back of their mind, that a reconciliation will happen down the road.

[Tinnes]

Yes, sometimes it lasts for years. But that we should avoid.

 

Six months is enough period to clear mind.

 

During that period and after you should force yourself to live your life completely. Just accept fact that you cannot be happy in love(but who knows, maybe find someone new)at the moment.

 

Work on yourself and go NC. Time will pass. It will bring the old one, or someone new.

 

But the fact I am so happy about, is that I realized that I can live on my own.

 

I still love him, but it is ok. No one can forbid me that. But that does not mean he has to love me, too. I just wish him the best, as much as for myself.

 

Avoid him to feel better, and sometimes it works 100 %, sometimes less. But it works.

[Opaque1997]

Thanks Tinnes - this is a real possiblity and one that I can get behind - true partly because this morning I am moving forward in a sense that I am further then I was yesterday.

 

Today I can see that I can get to a point where I can accept that I have to grieve over the relationship we had and the path I thought we would walk. I can grieve that he isn't doing what I thought he would do and thereforeeee isn't the man that I want in my life.

 

That being said, I also am only able to do this if I can hold onto the hope that one day he may do the work, or I will find someone else, and the new relationship with him or without him will be better then what I had with him previously. It is a cautious line because right now for me the real possibility of finding it with someone else is hard to see, and the possibility of finding it with him is slowly growing dimmer and I haven't started to see either light start to turn up.

 

Make sense? (The 6 month time frame really helps - i know no one wants to give me a time line, but knowing that I can allow myself 6 months to figure this stuff out really really helps - it is exactly the time I can see ahead right now actually )

[MCR7]

Hi there. Have you ever read "Why Men Marry * * * * * es" by Sherry Argov (sp?) It's an absolutely fantastic book for assisting in the rediscovery of who you are, reminding you that you are worth only the best - and guess what? The minute a dude realizes this is how you feel about YOURSELF, you become irresistible to them! I realize that some people will think this is game-playing behavior, however, men play games all the time; they're conditioned to, and in the process of so-called gaming, you WILL realize that it's just good common sense to love yourself first. It's a great book even if marriage is not what you're looking for - and was written after many interviews with men from all over the country. GOOD LUCK and hang in there....you're worth it!

[Opaque1997]

I may check the book out - but just so I am reading you right - are you saying that by healing myself and only being willing to take the best I may in advertantly drive him back to me? - And if so, by me saying I can't talk to him until he is ready to be with me and me alone and give it all he has - isn't that a step in that right direction?

[MCR7]

I may check the book out - but just so I am reading you right - are you saying that by healing myself and only being willing to take the best I may in advertantly drive him back to me? - And if so, by me saying I can't talk to him until he is ready to be with me and me alone and give it all he has - isn't that a step in that right direction?

 

YOU GOT IT! That is precisely the point. You see, your 'love of self' will be quite contagious...he will wonder what happened...and say to himself "hmm. wait a minute! this one's a little different..." No crying. No late night drama. No hanging on the phone or on line. Just let him know you're grateful for the time you've had together, but it's become clear you may want different things, so it's time to do the right thing.

 

PERIOD.

 

And then silence from you. Nothing more. Trust me, there will be dead silence on his end! I have put this into practice and it works. If you want more detail please let me know...I wouldn't focus too much on him being 'driven' back to you, rather, lean more toward what you want for yourself--book also very clear about not believing anything anyone tells you about yourself. Change the filter you see yourself through. The last time my guy tried to lay a trip on me, I immediately put on a full length cocktail gown, put my hair up, made myself up a bit, looked in the mirror and said "Dam* girl, you don't need this crap! You are FINE!"

 

Make sense?! It works!

 

Let me know how it goes...

 

xo

[Opaque1997]

Okay but since I have initiated NC already (as much as I can feasibly do as we are still sorting out belongings) haven't I already stated that?

[MCR7]

Well it's possible that you have, however it appears he may not have gotten quite the proper message. Your actions and method of carrying yourself through this are what will get his attention. And during this process you'll find out if his attention is really what you want. Let the relationship noise quiet down, and re-evaluate all of the aspects of your life: your home, career, kids/other relatives, education, future plans for your life.

[Sickboy48]

Well it's possible that you have, however it appears he may not have gotten quite the proper message. Your actions and method of carrying yourself through this are what will get his attention. And during this process you'll find out if his attention is really what you want. Let the relationship noise quiet down, and re-evaluate all of the aspects of your life: your home, career, kids/other relatives, education, future plans for your life.

 

Great advice.

 

it's what i am doing. Things are working out fine.