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I still have feelings for my ex.

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And my feelings are not stopping. It's like some continual self-destructive momentum that I have going that isn't stopping. It's terrible and I feel like a terrible person for still feeling this way. I get jealous whenever she sees somebody else and now, in my spare moments, all I seem to think about is how to get her back.


What makes matters worse is we're still friends and she has a facebook profile that I constantly check up on. I can't do this anymore and I'm tearing myself apart. I mean, I feel like a freakin' stalker and it's not healthy. What the hell should I do? I don't have the fortitude or the time to keep doing this and faintly hoping that something with happen between us. What the heck should I do?

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Maybe you should talk to her in a nice way and just explain to her you can't continue to be her friend right now because of your feelings. Tell her you need time to fully get over her and your relationship with her is not healthy right now. Then go complete NC and delete your facebook or have her block you or something.

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I tried that already. She contacted me after a week. I couldn't go full NC. I felt like it was too cold and I wanted to give her a chance at friendship. I want to do it in a way where I could just do it giving her the impression that she's a good person but I can't ever really continue the friendships with her again.

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I think unless she's given you a good reason to think you might get back together, then really you have to stop focussing on getting her back. Start focussing on you - and this means cutting contact.


I could be wrong, but I get the impression you're only in contact and hanging out now and again because you think this might bring her back to you, not because it is an emotionally beneficial thing for you to be doing. Everything you do in life should be done with the intention of moving forward - your attitude to this issue is, at best, keeping you stationary and will probably soon have you on the way down. Even if you don't want to cut contact completely, you should at very least stop meeting up with her. Start concentrating on YOU.


Now, I know the kind of mindset you're in at the moment, you want her back and you hate people just telling you to move on and forget about her. So here's a different, more digestible reason for you to do NC...


I read in another thread of yours that this girl has started getting involved with another guy, right? By staying in contact with her you are probably helping to strengthen this new relationship. Why? Because although the ex's new guy will have certain strengths (first and foremost his novelty value), he will also lack things that your ex liked about YOU. By staying in the picture, your ex is able to obtain these missing essentials from you while she enjoys the excitement of the new man, and as such she may not even notice the areas in which he is failing to fulfill her needs. As long as you're around, she'll continue to pick and choose what she wants from you and from him, and she'll feel complete. You'll essentially be filling in the gaps in her new relationship.


If you walk away, she's going into this relationship on her own two feet, without any security from you, and hence the inadequacies of the new partner will be more obvious to her. And also, walking away will just make you feel stronger and more dignified, which not only improves your self-confidence but might make you more attractive to other women INCLUDING her.


Seriously, the key is to start thinking about what's best for YOU. If you truly believe you are benefitting from being in contact with her, then go ahead and be friends. But the truth here is that the only person benefitting from the friendship is her, while you are stewing in pain. Don't let her take what she wants - she dumped you and thereforeeee you owe her nothing.

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You seem to be getting addicted to the emotional habit you have allowed this situation to become in your life.. So it's all about choice, and to start choosing to live within honest self respecting standards and values even if it means "NO contact".


By pretending to be okay with being "just her buddy" you are choosing to redefine yourself in her eyes, and she will start to only consider you a "friend".. and the fact is you are not even sincerely a healthy friend, because a real friend would be happy for her if she met a great guy or if she was dating... so why not be more honest with yourself and make a choice to be honest with her, and say, "As much as I'd like to stay friends, right now it's too confusing for me, because I still have some deeper feelnigs for you, so I think it would be best for my own self respect and out of respect for you for us to not have any contact, but if you do discover in time that you want to "try again as a couple' then you can contact me and I might be willing to talk, but right now it's not honest for me to pretend to be okay with this "just buddies" thing... I'm sure you understand and I wish you the best.".


See by doing this, you can let go with love, self respect and grow past the frustration and disappointment and who knows maybe she will miss having YOU in her life.. and she will have the opportunity to discover that maybe she does want to "try again" as a couple, and if not, then at least you have been letting go, growing, healing and onto the adventure of finding new love.


But if you choose to allow yourself to be in this holding pattern, hoping, waiting, getting frustrated, jealous, and resentful, well that's no way to rebuild or to reconcile or to be a real friend.. so let go with love, and get busy with your own life, widening your own circle of friends, respecting yourself to know that YOU are NOT interested in being "buddies" just yet, and that you really want to have a fulfilling relationshp eventually whether it be with her or with someone new.


But pretending to be okay with being "friends" is not a good thing for your own heart, and it's not being honest to her either.


So just know that you can break this "emotional habit' one day at a time by choosing to not have contact.. and learning to let go of any girl who is NOT willing to make an intentional effort to be in your life in a complete and full way.. after all you are not "friends" right now, you are still hurting and hoping... and that's normal, and it takes time to heal, so take that time for yourself.. it will be the best thing for you in the long run, and it leaves the door open for a possible future love with her or with someone else who may be more "right" for you.

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By pretending to be okay with being "just her buddy" you are choosing to redefine yourself in her eyes, and she will start to only consider you a "friend"..

Very true - and this is made particularly significant by the fact he's male and she's female.


What I'm about to say is very much debatable, but generally it seems that women are much more capable of being friends with a man on a purely platonic level than men are with women. Also, women generally find it easier to pick up and have more options available to them. This combination of things will work completely against you if you continue to be a "friend" to her. She'll get used to having you as a friend and will just start to think, "hey, I'm getting a lot out of being friends with this guy so I really don't need it to be any deeper than that."


If you walk away, you're not letting her redefine you. You're not a friend, you're an ex-lover. It causes tension, a ripple in the ocean - when she thinks of you or sees you, it's an ex-lover she is seeing and not a friend, and this is more likely to stir up her emotions.


Please be aware that I'm NOT saying you will get her back by cutting contact; it's nowhere near as simple as that. But I just think NC is the best thing for you right now and if I can get you to understand that doing anything else is actually lowering your (already very slim) chances of a reconciliation, then maybe you'll start doing what's right.

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Eventually you will get the "I miss you" or "I went too **** and thought about you." Simply because she will begin to think of all of the good times without you reminding her what she did not like about the relationship. In regards to getting your ex back you just have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Do not wait around counting the days you do not contact her. She is not a cake, no little bell will ring when she is ready. She may never be ready. What will result is you being independent again, learning what its like to be alone again. Its a win win, either you get her back with a new and improved you; or you dont and you still have a new and improved you, and dont even care. By that time youll be ready for somone new who can enjoy the things you learned from your mistakes in your past relationship.

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That's not true about women being able to be friends with a guy more than men can. I try to stay friends with my exs but I have a hard time dealing with feelings and such, but since I care about them and want them in my life, I MAKE it work out through a lot of sacrifice and care.


Nothings easy.

Do you find it hard even if you're over them in a romantic sense?


I kinda meant what I said in a general situation, not just post-breakup. Even regarding people who have never been in a romantic relationship with each other before, it just seems to be that women are more capable of truly platonic friendship with the opposite sex than men are. That's more of a theory based on personal observation than an assertion of fact though, you're more than welcome to disagree.

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Your feeling that you "don't have the courage" to do NC tells me that you HAVE to do it; if only to prove to yourself that you have the spirit, strength and courage to stand on your own two feet without her.


Reclaim your dignity by going cold turkey. And in the process, as others have pointed out in this thread, not only will you be more attractive to your ex, you'll be more attractive to other women, and most importantly you'll have regained you sense of SELF.


Good luck mate!



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Your saying you lack the courage to go no contact tells me that for your own sake, you HAVE to go NC.


As a smoker, I agree with the analogy of addiction someone posted previously. I'm going through the same thing myself. All I think about is texting her, calling her and restating for the gadzillionth time how much a care for her and love her.


Through reading the posts in this forum, I determined yesterday that contact to say all of that won't change how she feels about me. We spent all weekend together, like bf/gf, just like old times, but I could sense her heart wasn't in it. And on Monday, on the phone, she sounded aloof.


She already told me after we split (a break-up I initiated, then immediately regretted. That's another story!) that she needs the space to determine what she needs out of life. So she's gonna get that space, in spades!


Here's why you (and I) need to go cold turkey


1) Rebuild your resources of spirit, strength and courage; reclaim your sense of identity as a single guy; give yourself time to get through the withdrawal symptoms. Be the cool cat you were BEFORE you met her; the same independent guy you were WHEN you met her, only STRONGER this time.


2) Take away her sense of security that you are like a devoted and loyal servant for her to fall back on when she's feeling lonely.


3) Following on from point 2), if she misses you enough, she may rediscover her love for you and ask you back. If there's been enough time for point 1) to work, that puts YOU back in control.


4) If point 3) doesn't happen, you've got all the benefits of point 1) to look forward to.


A win-win outcome, either way.


Tough to swallow now, I know. (It's still stuck at the back of my throat!)


Here are a couple of tips to ease the pain of NC (and rebuild your arrogant masculine ego )


1) Focus on all the physical and behavioural things you DID NOT LIKE about her, for example, my ex used to pick the layer of dead skin off the soles of her feet; #^

2) Constantly remind yourself that YOU deserve to be loved by ANY woman AT LEAST as much as you love that woman.


Good luck, mate!





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Facebook will drive you insane. Just don't look. Don't let yourself. I used to do it ****CONSTANTLY**** right after my breakup. I had to know whose walls he was writing on and what girls were writing on his, haha. And it drove me nuts within, oh, about a week. So I just stopped. Everytime I was tempted, I had to consciously choose to just step away from the computer! You can do it too. You already said that you feel like a stalker. Don't do things that make you feel crappy. This includes compulsively checking your ex's facebook.

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Good work.


You have to remember. It's not about her anymore. It's all about you now.

She has left you with a wound, and the more that wound tries to heal, the more it will itch.. that's the pain. But if you scratch it (check up, text, call, email) it will never heal. Oh man, it would feel good to scratch and your brain is trying to trick you into doing it, but as soon as you do you are right back where you started... with an open wound.


Do this for you, not her.


Best of luck.

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