I Love You As Meat Loves Salt

[yellow_sweater]

My mother forwarded this article to me this morning. I would like to hear what you guys think before I give my two cents.

 

Side note: my parents have been married for 27.5 years. Hmmm...

 

----------

 

Is it love, or a mutual strangulation society?

link removed

 

In a folktale that has been retold for centuries in many variations (one of which is Shakespeare's "King Lear"), an elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love him. The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial adoration, but the youngest says only "I love you as meat loves salt."

 

The king, insulted by this homely simile, banishes the youngest daughter and divides his kingdom between the older two, who promptly kick him out on his royal heinie.

 

He seeks refuge in the very house where his third daughter is working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the daughter asks the cook to prepare his meal without salt. The king eats a few tasteless mouthfuls, then bursts into tears. "All along," he cries, "it was my youngest daughter who really loved me!"

 

The daughter reveals herself and all ends happily (except in "King Lear," where pretty much everybody dies).

 

Each of the following five statements is the polar opposite of what most Americans see as loving commitment. But these are "meat loves salt" commitments, as necessary as they are unconventional. Only if you and your beloved can honestly say them to each other is your relationship likely to thrive.

 

Want an honest and long lasting relationship? Make sure you and your partner can recite these five statements.

 

I can live without you, no problem

 

"I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs.

 

If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs met by the only person responsible for them: you. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.

 

My love for you will definitely change

 

Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no possibility of loss. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up.

 

The reason is that everything -- and everyone -- is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests and drop old ones. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible.

You're not everything I need

 

I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills.

 

Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs, each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual.

 

Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.

I won't always hold you close

 

There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you."

 

People who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments. This is not the kind of love you want.

 

The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices.

 

You and I aren't one

 

Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly, but a chameleon who morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're not in a relationship at all.

 

If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror.

 

From: link removed

[yellow_sweater]

I can live without you, no problem

 

"I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs.

 

If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy.

 

Just wanted to highlight this... I couldn't agree more with this statement.

[tylercdurden2004]

Sounds pretty good to me from a quick skim.

[EQD]

nice post, i really like it

[MissIndigo]

I too read this on CNN when it came out and I really enjoyed it. While romantic love surely is beautiful and can spur us to commitment, we have to keep in mind that individuals and the couple are dynamic entities that change over time. There need to be more articles in the popular media like this, I think, that stress how the strengths of each person are needed to make the unit last.

[StretchGee]

I'd not be as cold as the author:

 

I can live without you, no problem

 

I can live without you, but I choose not to.

 

My love for you will definitely change

 

My love for you will definitely change, but it will always be love.

 

You're not everything I need

 

You're not everything I need, but you are much of what I want.

 

I won't always hold you close

 

I won't always hold you close, but I will if you ask.

 

You and I aren't one

 

You and I aren't one, but sometimes it feels that we are.

[Stambler]

These things I have learned after a failed marriage. They are ESSENTIAL for a true loving relationship

 

I can live without you, no problem

And now I know I can. I don't NEED a partner, I WANT a partner. I'm happy with my life, very much so. But a partner (perhaps someday) would just make it that much nicer. Like extra icing on the cake.

 

My love for you will definitely change

Everything has to change. If you are truly in love, you will adapt to each other's changes.

 

You're not everything I need

Think of it this way...if that partner were to disappear, what would you have in your life? God? Friends? Family? Interests? Fulfilment? I hope everything. Don't EVER neglect these things. You can't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

I won't always hold you close

You need to accept your partner for what he or she is. Don't expect anything else, other than for them to be themself. You don't own them, you can't possess them.

 

You and I aren't one

You are individuals who fit nicely together. You can be apart or together, and you are the same people, either way.

 

Nice post YS...

[Miss Firecracker]

I won't always hold you close is my favorite. I hate being smothered.

[Larayn]

I think this is great post! and much closer to my idea of true love than any romantic poem or song would describe it!

[Nixee]

I really like this post... thank you.

 

Sadly, I know I had the ability to say all of those things to the man I just broke up with.... I just don't know if the feelings were strong enough on my part, or if he could say all of those things back to me. I think I will share this article though.

[JadedStar]

I'd not be as cold as the author:

 

I can live without you, no problem

 

I can live without you, but I choose not to.

 

My love for you will definitely change

 

My love for you will definitely change, but it will always be love.

 

You're not everything I need

 

You're not everything I need, but you are much of what I want.

 

I won't always hold you close

 

I won't always hold you close, but I will if you ask.

 

You and I aren't one

 

You and I aren't one, but sometimes it feels that we are.

 

I think this is an outstanding article but written with a tad bit of pessimism, even tho realistic. The above - by stretchgee - is more how I would put it...and how i would feel it.

 

The above translates very similar but is written with a more loving tone.

 

Yes, i buy into this a great deal. I am not a cyncial person but am a realistic one and do not buy into those "i'll die without you" things...sure in the heat of passion even we realistic people might say this but we also know when we say it that anyting can end at anytime.

 

I think we cherish our partners more when we know that it might not last forever. If it does, bonus. IF not, we are prepared to keep on living and not "just" living but living wholly.

 

IF the "honeymoon" period could be bottled and sold someone would be a multi billionare. LOL For the rest of us we work hard to keep it going and alive...

[lyra]

i actually just wrote a letter to my bf telling him that i didn't need him to be happy, even though i love him intensely. i didn't give it to him; mostly i wrote it to think things through for myself. but it is a comforting feeling to know that if push came to shove, i could be strong and live my life happily alone.

and on a side note, now that song is in my head.... "i can't liiiive.... if living is without yoooouuu.... i can't liiiive.... i can't giiive anymooore....." lovely.

[Larayn]

Thank you Lyra, now the song is in my head too

[JadedStar]

i actually just wrote a letter to my bf telling him that i didn't need him to be happy, even though i love him intensely. i didn't give it to him; mostly i wrote it to think things through for myself. but it is a comforting feeling to know that if push came to shove, i could be strong and live my life happily alone.

and on a side note, now that song is in my head.... "i can't liiiive.... if living is without yoooouuu.... i can't liiiive.... i can't giiive anymooore....." lovely.

 

Oh gee Thanks. Now it's in my head too. ROFL>

[yellow_sweater]

I'd not be as cold as the author:

 

I can live without you, no problem

 

I can live without you, but I choose not to.

 

My love for you will definitely change

 

My love for you will definitely change, but it will always be love.

 

You're not everything I need

 

You're not everything I need, but you are much of what I want.

 

I won't always hold you close

 

I won't always hold you close, but I will if you ask.

 

You and I aren't one

 

You and I aren't one, but sometimes it feels that we are.

 

Interesting. Actually, your additions sort of change what the author was trying to say (based on his explanatory text under the title headings) in some cases. Like, the "I won't always hold you close" has less to do with meeting someone else's needs as you suggest, and more to do with not smothering them.

 

If you focus on the title headings, it does sound like a pretty cold article. I think that the explanations under the headings do a really good job of explaining the point, making it seem much less cold.

 

If I were to re-write the headings, here's what I'd say:

--While I can live without you, I am thankful that I don't have to.

--My love for you will definitely change, but it will always be love. (Agreed!)

--I don't need you, but I do want you.

--I won't always hold you, because I can't hold you if I'm scaling a rock wall. LOL

--I'm glad that you and I aren't one; I like you too much as an individual and me too much as me!

 

Anyway. My grandfather had these two plaques hanging on his wall. The first one said something like, "I will travel this way only once. thereforeeee, if there be any kindness I may show my neighbor now, let me do it--for I shall not pass this way again."

 

The second way said, "I'll go my way and you'll go yours. And if we happen to meet--that's beautiful." To me, that's a healthy attitude about love. You are ok on your own, but the wonder and delight of meeting someone "going your way" is the icing on an already delicious cake.

 

He was with his wife for thirty-five years, until her death. Happy the entire time.