locolady Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I really believe you should only have sex in loving relationships and i put a lot of value on it. I dont kiss random guys in clubs etc, think its a bit gross to sleep around. When i'm in a relationship i dont seem to mind so muc what the others around me do, but recently i broke up with my boyfriend and he's dated someone else immediately which has really hurt me. My last relationship ended after 4 years with him cheating on me too. I just feel so sad and lonely, like im the only one who values intimacy and wants to put respect at the forefront of my relationships. I've been arguing with my friends lately and yesterday i started a big row with some friends. We'd been hanging out all day, having fun, one guy ws being flirty with me, kept kissing my cheek and telling me how much he liked me. At the end of the day i found out he has a girlfriend. I had a go at him telling him to get some balls and dump his gf if he acts the way he does. It ended up with a big row between the group, i was telling them they were pathetic and disrespectful - if they loved their gfs they wouldnt flirt or worse cheat. I feel bad now that i was so aggressive and i know i'm driving a wedge between my friends. Its not my place to judge someone else but i feel so passionately about it and it kills me to think that i'll have to go out with some guy who will treat me like they do. Even the boyfriens ive loved so much have let me down and im feeling so desperate. I'm finding myself increasingly judgemental which i dont like and am usually a very tolerant person. - i guess its me lashing out because i'm hurting and im directing my anger at the people around me because i cant speak to my ex-boyfriend. Any advice welcome Link to comment
Timebandit Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I'm finding myself increasingly judgemental which i dont like and am usually a very tolerant person. - i guess its me lashing out because i'm hurting and im directing my anger at the people around me because i cant speak to my ex-boyfriend. Any advice welcome Maybe you could start by telling your friends that you are hurting and this is why you may appear to be too sensitive to the topic. I understand and respect your opinion that sex should only take place within a commited relationship. That being said, this is just your opinion. There is not inherently "correct" anwer here. Everybody else have the right to their opinion, as long as what they do is safe and sane. If you haven't already done so then talk it out with your friends. And tell them to give you a hug or something instead of arguing with you, if/when you start preaching Link to comment
locolady Posted January 21, 2008 Author Share Posted January 21, 2008 yeh i think thats a good start. They do know how i feel but not getting involved in the conversations at all would be good for all of us i guess! I just feel so desperate - i dont want to have to go out with someone who has slept around, and i know so few people who dont/wont cheat on their partners, it makes me so sad. i scared i'll never find anyone who respects me. even my ex-boyfriends let me down and turned out to be like everyone else. Is there anyone out there who agrees with me?! Link to comment
Lucy__lou Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I think since you've recently been cheated on makes it ok for you to be a bit irrational and get upset over other people not treating intimacy as something that is sacred. I think that if you view sex and intimacy in that way, then that should be respected. And it sounds like you also understand that other people's views should also be respected. I'm sorry to hear what happened. And I agree with the above poster who said you should tell your friends to give you a hug instead of arguing with you, because that's what it sounds like this is really about, that you're still hurting. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 It sounds to me like you have different values than the rest of your group of "friends". Perhaps you came on a bit too strong, but you had a right to tell off the guy with the girlfriend who was hitting on you. Your friends have a right to do whatever they want and it is up to the partners they are hurting to put their foot down. If you want to continue the friendship you have to accept that your values don't mesh with theirs and just accept the other positive things from the friendship. Not everyone has to see eye to eye on things in order to continue a friendship...but you don't have to compromise your values in order to remain in the group. Not everyone sleeps around and not everyone cheats...perhaps it is time to re-evaluate your friendships and find new people whose values are more in tune with yours. Whenever you go against accepted "norms" in a group, expect fallout...there is always a "pack mentality" in which everyone in the group copies each other in order to be "included"...good for you for not caving in to peer pressure. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Laco, I agree with you re. your perspective on love and sex. The guy was jerk. He should not have been doing what he was doing if he was involved in a relationship. I would have said something similar to what you said, but I wouldn't have allowed the conversation to get so heated; he's not worth much. I think I might reconsider some of the people you associate with and look for people who have a higher degree of respect for themselves and others. Link to comment
Gratsy Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I have this same problem. You recognize the damage that thoughtless people cause. I have gone off on people before about this. Personally, this will cause a lot of people to not want to be around you...you have to decide if its worth it. Sometimes I've viewed it as worth it, and sometimes I haven't. Maybe there is a more gentle way of saying it sometimes but I don't think you did anything wrong. Link to comment
Taomagicdragon Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I don't believe you should ever have to compromise your values, people that make you do that aren't your friends, you can, however, choose not to make it a point of conflict. Link to comment
m12988 Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Like one poster said, I admire people like you. Leading you on like that and having a girlfriend, that's ridiculous. Maybe your friends aren't worth your time if they think that kind of behavior is actually GOOD. There is no excuse for that and you had every right to stand up for yourself and this guy's poor girlfriend who doesn't even know what he's doing. And yes, your anger is probably from being done wrong, and there isn't anything wrong with that. Link to comment
m12988 Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I wish more people would stand up for themselves and others like you do. There are actually some people who will give in to the other one and think "oh he fell in love with me he'll just dump his gf for me" And those are the ones who get in the relationship, and find he's cheating on them as well. Link to comment
locolady Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 thanks for the replies everyone, it really helps to know im not the only one who cares about sex, honesty etc. Nothing would make me behave in a way i didnt want to about this - its one of the things i feel most passionately and im proud that you have to earn sex with me, and that its about love and respect for me. However, i think i should chill out a bit about what other people do. Like someone said i dont have to agree with everything my friends do/say. we debate politics. ideas etc, i guess this is just one area we will not agree. As for having a go at the guy hitting on me....i'm proud that i made him re-evaluate himself and he actually tetxt me to say sorry and that i was well within my rights to have a go. Lets just hope his poor gf gets some benefit! Link to comment
Lucy__lou Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 I think you would do well to learn to see the difference between light hearted promiscuity and dishonesty. I doubt many people could argue that deception through cheating is anything but a weakness of integrity. But being promiscuous and not seeing sex as being necessarily always about love and commitment does not mean someone lacks integrity. It's just a difference of viewpoint. It's just using sex for purposes other than expression of love, i.e. pleasure. If no one gets hurt or disrespected then really, there is no reason for you to have a problem with people who are more light hearted about sex than you. But I suspect you are coming from a position of fear that someone will deceive you into thinking that they value sex in the same way that you do, and really just use you. This is a problem I admit, but the problem is not promiscuity, the problem is dishonesty, and the possibility that there aren't many people who view sex in the same way you do, in which case your odds of ending up with one of us who is more recreational about sex is higher. Just my 2C. I'm from the promiscuous side of the tracks, but recently moving to your side of the tracks, but I think both sides have to respect each other. Link to comment
Taomagicdragon Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 The g/f at home being cheated on in anyway may beg to differ. It's not about the two in the bar getting friendly, but also about the faithful partner at home waiting. Link to comment
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