After all of this thinking and agony

[dapar321]

I finally have discovered what belongs in this empty hole inside of me: A little attention.

 

I feel like everyone in my life is putting up with me simply because I am just here. My siblings all communicate and bond with each other much better than myself. I do not have any friends because I have pushed most away. I am considered the socially awkward one because of my shyness.

 

My only girlfriend dated me because she liked my brother and considered me "second best" (didn't know this at the time) and she absolutely crushed me. A girl I liked a year ago clearly just talked to me because she had something for my brother AGAIN. My best friend is nicer to my family than me and he has started rumors about me about a year ago that still haunts me (told him off recently). I am only in my band because my brother is the guitarist. They also barely ever communicate with me about the plans.

 

My parents have never pushed me hard enough to do things I don't want to do, so now I am unmotivated. I work where my brother works and everyone refers to us as "you and your bro" like my name is "brother". I am ALWAYS the odd one out when I hang out with people.

 

I feel like I fail at everything. My boss quizzes me on random questions that I can not even answer because I have so much going on I don't have time or concentration to remember what type of speech "the" is.

 

I sit home alone in my room when im not at work or school, and I play video games and bass. I am hoping I get into college for next year, but with my luck my app will not be reviewed or i wont get in.

 

the things that make me happy are turning out to cause more stress. The only thing that makes me happy is band practice where I can play music with other people and feel somewhat important. Every night after hours of convincing myself that it will be okay, I wake up to the next day of self convincing.

 

 

I dont think I am depressed. I have never done or even considered any self mutilation.

 

I just think I am bored and lonely.