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Everyone says i'm gay.

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Hi everyone.


So my names Mel and i'm 20.


Everyone around me thinks i'm gay. I used to sorta take it as an insult when i was younger, now - kinda a compliment i guess.


I admit everything about my behaviour indicates i am gay, from dressing in mens clothes to expressing disgust at the thought of sex with men.


But i don't think i am. I just wanted some external objective thoughts.


I was sexually abused by a family friend when i was 4 onwards until being about 17 tbh. I used to dream of having a family and lots of children of my own. I still dream of that, but i'm afraid of the sex bit. And of wanting it. I have hid behind ''i'm not ready'' and ''i want to wait til marriage' and various other lines, but theres going to come a time one day when i can't put sex off any longer with ''husband'' isn't there?


I think i'm not sexually attracted to men, because of my experiences. I always remember being scared and confronted with that sick pervert and his tiny penis. But i don't think im gay either. At least i don't think i was born gay. A tomboy yes.


I saw a shrink for a while before anyone suggests talking to a therapist or something, i don't need that. I'm pretty resolved about it all now. Except this thing. My shrink called it identifying with the aggressor and said that it can happen when we don't want it to. That my manly behaviour and mens clothes were a way of subconsciously identifying with him. I'm not like him at all.


I actually hang out the gay scene quite a lot, instant acceptance there. and everyones so easy to talk to. They assume i'm gay and i don't bother to correct them. If im gay everythings safer. It would be a nice option tbh. No more hassel, no more penis acceptance, and that. But i don't think i have those feelings. I've said that a few times in the space of this post. The people around me would be convinced i'm in denial, so far repressed i'll never know, in the closet, etc are common phrases they use.


I think i'm afraid of men and penises because of what happened, but the idea of sex with a woman doesn't turn me on either... in fact i think i dislike breasts even more than the penis.


So yeah, whats the expert verdict? I mean a lot of you guys are gay right?




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Oh btw i should add I do fancy men sometimes. Mostly celebrities who are a safe distance away i suppose. Its rare for me to find a man i really fancy, but i can. But a m8 of mine said that she knows hardcore lesbians who also fancy some male celebrities.


I actually have a boyfriend of 2 years as well. Its a non sexual relationship and tbh i don't think either of us would mind if it ended, we work great together as friends and partners, but not as any kind of sexual / romantic element. I just don't feel attracted to him. I don't feel the desire to rip his clothes off, or to kiss him out of anything more than gratitude and affection, not love or wanting to. He knows, even though he finds me attractive. He's good about it. But mb i'm just with the wrong guy, because i didn't know if i'd ever be attracted to a man when i chose him, but now i know there are a few guys i like.



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Are you gay? Only you can answer that question.


So you aren't quite the "girly-girl" type, big deal. You like what you like. You be what you are.

If you aren't happy with what you are THEN you need to find a way to change it. This may require seeing a counselor, which I HIGHLY recommend because I do think you have unresolved issues related to the abuse you mentioned.


Hang in there. You aren't nearly as screwed up as you think you are.




FWIW, I find "butch" women fascinating.

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I don't think you're gay. I don't know why wearing men's clothes signifies sexuality to people. Something I'll never understand is why a lot of gay men feel the need to act 'camp' and gay women go for the whole short her, men's clothes thing. It's just conformity to stereotype and doesn't have to represent sexuality. I like women, but that doesn't affect how I dress! But then gender roles in themselves are performative. Women aren't born with the innate, biological need to adhere to concepts of femininity - ie women aren't born with an instinct to have long hair and wear dresses anymore than men are to have short hair and wear 'masculine' clothes. The notions of 'masculine' and 'feminine' are not biological, they were created by society. Like you, some people don't conform to this stereotype. Unfortunately by not conforming to your gender role, people assume that you must be conforming to a stereotype of sexuality instead. People can't seem to define eachother without these stereotypes.


You've said yourself that you are not attracted to women, so you're not gay! The fact that you're not attracted to men is probably because of the abuse. Perhaps by trying to identify with a masculine gender role, you are trying to signal to men that you are not an object of femininity that signifies the 'female' that they can be attracted to. Out of fear you could be subconsciously trying to stop men being attracted to you. I've heard of victims of sexual abuse purposely putting on weight etc in later life, out of fear that a man will be attracted to them and hurt them again.


These are just my thoughts

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I went through a similar situation to yourself, although I did'nt stick around the gay scene I just sort of hid...


I think that maybe you're feeling safer with gay people (is it men mainly?) because you know there wont be any attraction to yourself or any desire for them to try anything with you? just a thought?


I know I dressed very very unfeminine because I did'nt want anyone in the world to find me attractive out of pure fear, I did'nt want to be wanted for a long time. I did'nt want to put myself at risk because at that point I was blaming myself already, maybe thats how it is for you?


Even when I met my current boyfriend at 16 he worked quite hard to break through all of it, and became my savior. This boyfriend, could you not talk to him about it? sometimes Its far better to talk to someone about it who is'nt doing it for their job. But thats upto you.


I don't know if you're gay, I don't know if you're straight. All I do know is there is no rush for you to figure this out, You need to rememeber you're in control of things. You're not the person you used to be. Noone can force you into deciding your sexuality, there is no pressure for you to do that. That is something that eventually will just fall into place and you'll know, you'll figure it out.


When you meet someone you want to marry you will want to marry them because you love them, so you will already know how you feel sexually ?


You will figure it out, who knows, you could end up being bisexual. This could just end up being somethign that happened and could be unconnected to your abuse.


Its normal for you to be afraid of anything sexual, and that does'nt necessarily make you gay, it just means you're figuring things out. I hope some of this makes sense to you,


I hope you're ok, I wish you all the luck in the world xxxxx

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I am guessing that the only reason you are questioning your sexuality is because of those annoying people who are equating your lack of desire for men and butch clothing with lesbianism. There is nothing in your post which suggests you to be in the slightest bit homosexual. Often lesbianism accompanies transgendered women, but that doesn't mean all transgendered women are lesbian, and you obviously are not. If I had been sexually abused by a man as you were I am sure I would also be repelled by the idea of sex with men, and I would also dress in a way to reduce my sexual attractiveness to straight men, i.e. boxy male clothes which don't enhance the female form or femininity.


It also makes sense that you might want to hang in the gay scene, since your rebellion against gender norms is obviously going to be more accepted there. Doesn't make you homosexual. You have to fancy women to qualify for that. (And personally, I think it would be nice if you would be honest and not mislead people into thinking you're a lesbian.) I am really sorry for what happened to you, and It makes sense your becoming asexual (that's what you are at the moment, since you don't desire men or women, or anyone), and maybe one day you will be free of the trauma and sex with another person will have some appeal to you. But as long as you're happy, that's all that should matter. People just love to put you in boxes, and that's what they're trying to do to you. And maybe you're participating and you should know that you don't have to.

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First off, it is completely normal and natural for someone who has been abused to be turned off of sex, or men as a whole. However, that does not mean you're gay! You and only you know what sex you're attracted to, and if you feel no attraction towards women, well, there you have it!


As well, there are many people out there who are simply not interested in sex. I have a guy friend who feels no attraction whatsoever to men, yet while he's been in love with girls he has had no desire to do anything sexual with them. That's just how he is, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.


The main thing is for you to be happy with your situation. As long as you're comfortable with your sexuality, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, and one day someone will come along who completely understands and accepts your situation. Who knows? You may meet a guy in the same boat as you.


Best of luck!

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