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How to successfully mend a relationship that may/may not be over?


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My story is in the Breaking Up section on the second or third page. It is long. I'm sure you can also look under my profile for the posts I have made if you wish to see it. I cannot post a link to it as my access here forbids it.


In a nutshell:

- 8.5 year relationship, broken days before Christmas 2007.

- I moved to a different city 1.5 years ago, and asked her to move with me when her teaching position finished last May. She moved in August.

- Before she quit her job to move, she wanted a commitment - a ring.

- I wanted her to be with me so that we could move on to the next stage in our lives and be living with each other. The financial stress was more on my mind than anything else. And this wasn't a test drive! I enjoyed her company enough that I wanted to live with her full-time for no other reason than just being under the same roof.

- I went to Europe in August to visit family who I may never see alive again due to age, and still haven't paid for that vacation in full. I lost my job two days after I arrived home. I was out of a job until October of last year.

- I bought a brand new computer in November, that wasn't necessary at the time, because my personal computer failed (even after sinking $800 CAD to repair it).

- After I bought the computer, I started to save money for a ring to be given to her on Valentine's Day. I told her this while she was breaking up with me and about a week later, said it didn't phase her, however she did cry when I told her in person while she was giving me the news.


She has moved out, even though it was her original thought that I would move back home for a few months. Due to my job, I can telecommute from anywhere (although my home is my home and working away from it for long periods of time is *not* an option, not to mention traveling with the company). I am the sole tenant on the lease. She found an apartment in early January and moved out last week.


She says she left me because she needed space, to explore herself, to sow her oats, so to speak. I do not know if she will start a relationship with someone new, however, she did say that she had been in our relationship for such a long time, it was starting to bother her. Maybe she just needs some perspective? She is an introvert like me. We are both in our late twenties.


It has been a week with no contact, except for one e-mail. In it, I simply was giving her information about some concert tickets that were purchased on my credit card, but were for a relative of hers as a Christmas gift. Her reply was short but polite and that she would also pick up her mail "sometime". Could I use this opportunity to at least open a conversation and ask her to call me soon so we could talk?


It's wrecking me. After all the advice I have been giving here, and by my family and friends, I do not want to give up on this relationship. I do not believe that this is the end, even though I was the Dumpee.


I know what I want - I want her. Is the reason I think this because it is too soon to think rationally about the situation?


One thing you should know, is that I feel I suffer from "Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome" to a fault. I seek the approval of others and I wish no to have no conflict to a point I know it must have been upsetting to her. This is probably the chief reason she thought she could keep the apartment and ask me to leave (for a few months). I'm actually surprised I stood up for myself.


I am reading the book by Robert Glover. Does anyone have any opinions on it? Do you suffer from the same experience I have? Will reading it help me at all or will it just create mind games between her and I?


How do I go about initiating contact in a friendly manner in hopes that I can start to rekindle this relationship without looking desperate? I understand giving her space is one thing, but how do I at least let her know that I want to work on us if we don't contact each other some how?


How do I go about protecting myself emotionally in case we do not reconcile?


How can I go about telling her how I really feel about everything with my dignity held high and self-respect intact?


I feel as though I need to do this at least. I want to "fight" for the relationship! Is that so bad?

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Yes you are suffering from Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome...just like me...Leave her alone...


She is confused and she needs to stay alone to make a decision so you two both live your lives happily if ever. if she contacts you a lot, then some point you have to decide between LC and "we cannot be friends because making you confused" ie behave like a MAN...strong MAN...

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8.5 years is a long time. Maybe she thinks you should "have ti together" by now.


Go no contact. Focus on being financially stable. 3-6 mos from now give her a call.


Remember her clock is starting to tick. Charlie Chapman was getting women pregnant when he was 81.


Personally i'd like to see you break up with her altogether and address you Mr. Nice Guy syndrome. Once you've addressed that you won't have to worry about finding a gf you'll worry about which one to choose.


You don't want to be married with kids and have the Mr.Nice guy syndrome. Then you'll be divorced, and it'll be a bigger mess.

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But what about actually attempting to get back with *her*? She is great company, after all. Beautiful, intelligent. How can I keep her interested even if it's just on the fringe of contact right now? How will I know, if I take on this Mr. Nice Guy thing, that I can successfully let her see I've changed and keep her as more than a friend?

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You'll attract your ex strongest when you're happy and confident, and that's when you've let go and moved on. Focus on becoming a better person and get rid of any bad qualities you might have, so you'll shine all the brighter in your ex's eyes.


Do not contact her anymore. There is no clearer message that she doesn't want to be together with you than her breaking up with you. Hopefully she'll come around, but at this point in time I do not feel that anything you do to or for her will make her want to come back.


So the best attempt to get back with her is to become as attractive as possible; And once again, that's when you've let go and moved on.

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Me and my girl of 5.5 years broke it off around the same time of your breakup. You guys were together for 8.5 years so no matter what she is going to be thinking about you. Like you I wanted to mend my relationship. Everyone says to not contact her at all, and I will agree this is probably best. But after being for someone that long and talking everyday going to NC is near impossible so I would say LC is ok. Honestly though, if you just stay away as much as possible she will miss you more. Let her find out for herself what she is missing. You don't need to worry about trying to fix your breakup now, it's way to early. Work on yourself for the time being.

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My ex-gf has postal mail waiting for her here. I told her about it, and she said she was going to pick it up "sometime". We have not scheduled anything so far.


Is there anything good/nice/positive I can say to her when she comes around that won't sound too weird coming from me at this point to help my situation with her?

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It's going to be really really hard, and it's going to feel like a real waste, but just aim to give your ex her mail and nothing more. If she talks to you about anything else, you can reply to that, but just try not to ask her about what she's been doing, try not to seem like you're interested in what she's up to or what she's beeng doing. Just keep everything short and don't stick around her for too long, or you may say or do something you'll regret.

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