Parents and Sister ruining my life

[jimbeam]

I am in a desperate horrible situation that is giving me constant anxiety and stealing the joy I should be having in my life. I am learning not to dwell on it and trying to concentrate on the good things in life. But I guess I will start by saying that my parents and my sister have completely ruined my life and have turned their backs on me and have placed all the blame on the current situation on my wife and I.

 

From the moment my current wife and I told my parents we were pregnant and were getting married we had problems. They always wanted us to spend our weekends with them and gave us grief when we didn't. When they saw how big my wife’s parents house was, they didn’t even bother offering to chip in for the wedding. Although they over-invited people, when we specifically told them numerous time how many they could. This is after my parents shelled our ridiculous money to my sister for her wedding, down payment on a house, baby room & furniture, multiple invitros, and much more while she is married to a successful partner in a law firm. My wife had a house, so we were set on that fortunately. They offered to throw my wife a baby naming and then asked her to pay for it.

 

After the baby was born, they wanted to come over when they wanted to, when it was convenient for them. They never offered to help us in our difficult time, or accommodate are hard schedule. My mom would yell at me and give me guilt trips whenever I wouldn’t let them come over when they wanted. We offered other times, but if it wasnt convenient for them (unless it was on the way of coming to and from my sister’s place) they wouldn’t bother. Our baby naming they never offered to pay for, and never even said one nice thing about it to my wife who worked very hard to plan it to make my family proud. My wife tried many times to do things for my family, she baked a cake for my mom on her b-day, she went to the hospital to be with her before major surgery, and more, nothing was ever appreciated or reciprocated.

 

After countless time trying to talk to them, about what pain and hurt they were causing I sent them a letter, they called back and tried to pass the buck and my wife yelled at my mom. As a result, they cancelled Mother’s day which was a week later that greatly upset my wife, it was her first one, My wife still sent my mom a beautiful custom calendar of our daughter for her Mother’s Day present, my parents sent a rude late card with nothing in it. I told my folks they should apologize, and then maybe we can have a nice father’s day. They did nothing, but invite all of us do Father’s Day without anything being resolved and although she didn’t want to go, my wife still went. My whole family ignored her and worse all sat in the corner and bad-mouthed her. I at the time, was too much of a coward to stand up to my family and ignored it. My wife still sent a gracious card to my family for inviting us, which they never responded.

 

My wife had tried to make things work, and sent emails to my folks, that they ignored. It really got bad, when my cousin wrote a scathing email to my wife saying how dare you treat his mom like that. It was very obvious my parents and sister had bad-mouthed my wife to the whole extended family. I had a desperate talk with my parents, telling them to apologize to my wife, for all the things they did, my dad called her and gave her a fake apology saying, some bull saying if you feel this way we are sorry you feel this way. My wife got another email from the same cousin and said that was enough and she sent an email to my family members defending herself saying she gave my and her family equal opportunity to see their grandchild and a few other things, and she never even went close into saying all the things they have done. My sister responded by writing back to the whole family saying what a nightmare my wife was and how she fooled all us, she said much more horrible things than that too. BTW my sis was trying to have a little girl, and by us having one made her extremely jealous.

 

But wait it gets worse. My wife after being trashed by my family went to my cousins Bat Mitzvah, only for my mom to start yelling at us, saying you don’t need a gun because you are killing me and you should have stood up for your parents, and ran us out of there. After that we decided another happy event could not be compromised so we didn’t invite my parents to my daughter’s first birthday party. My parents sent a card to her with no gift saying, how could you do this to me bull. I ending up having to see a therapist because I couldn’t work and was crying all the time. After a few months break from my family we felt better, we found out we were pregnant again, and decided I should tell my folks plus make a statement about our situation. They never even bothered giving us a congratulations for being pregnant. My folks came in to my therapist with me, and completely bad-mouthed my wife and said why should we be happy for them, its just another kid we can’t see. We had a 2nd session, and my dad admitted he shouldn’t have bad mouthed my wife and ignored her on Father’s Day and they wanted to talk to my wife.

 

She was so upset and said she didn’t want to talk to them (she was already very sick from her pregnancy) and we got in a huge fight and I agreed to stop going to the therapist. I told my mom they should try to do something nice to make things better, like send a Chanukah gift to their grandchild, they ending up sending a cheap $20 gift, are housekeeper gave our daughter something nicer. It was clear that my sister’s kids were getting much nicer gifts. BTW my sis adopted a girl that my folks paid for. I finally sent my parents another letter, saying they are killing me, I am smoking cigarettes, taking Xanax, can’t sleep, and all they have to do is apologize and they are missing out on their amazing granddaughter. They called us and said some crap about if we said something we shouldn’t have or didn’t say something we should’ve, we apologize, but you can’t expect us to be perfect, and offered to pay for a mommy and me class. In other words they blamed us for everything and once again didn’t listen or care about what I had to say or what pain they were causing me. Meanwhile my sis sent my wife a b-day card, because she wants to make up now she has her kid, and my wife wants nothing to do with her.

 

Now I am getting calls from my sisters husband and my folks and I haven’t even bothered calling them back. We have our baby on the way, this is my busy work season, we want to sell our house and we have much other things on my plate. If you read all this I am sorry you had to read all this, I needed to get it out and maybe get an idea of what I should do. They say insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I think I need to cut them off permanently or for a long time, or maybe try and build my relationship with my folks, which was never that good or close to begin with. I am so sick of the anxiety I have and sadness I have, when I should be happy for my beautiful wife, daughter and baby on the way, I don’t’ know why but I can’t let it go. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[redrose85]

why is this all centered around money?

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

After reading your post, it sounds like your parents are quite set in their ways and no matter what you do, they will not be pleased. They have already decided that they do not like your wife, even though she has reached out to them on several occasions. Some people are just unpleasable. I'm sure they love you, but it sounds like they are caught in drama and thrive on it.

 

The good news is that just because you are related to someone, does not mean that you must endure being treated badly. You are an adult and you have your own family now. If you, your wife, and your kids are happy together, that is all that matters. You can decide how much or how little of your parents behavior you want to take.

 

I know eveyrone seeks approval from their parents to some extent and it can be painful when you don't get it (even if you are living well and doing things "right") but you have to learn to get your satisfaction from your own family now. It sounds like you have a nice wife and a lot to be thankful for with your children, focus on that. Don't allow your parents to cause you such anxiety. It's not healthy.

 

They say insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I think I need to cut them off permanently or for a long time, or maybe try and build my relationship with my folks, which was never that good or close to begin with. I am so sick of the anxiety I have and sadness I have, when I should be happy for my beautiful wife, daughter and baby on the way, I don’t’ know why but I can’t let it go.

 

You don't have to cut them out completely, but YOU call the shots. Personally, if it were me, I'd send them holiday cards out of politeness (with photos of the kids, etc.), but without the expectation or concern about getting anything in return. Just "kill them with kindness", and be the bigger person, but don't let them in so much that they have control over you or cause you stress. It's not worth it.

 

We had a 2nd session, and my dad admitted he shouldn’t have bad mouthed my wife and ignored her on Father’s Day and they wanted to talk to my wife

 

 

Spend next Father's Day with your wife and 2 lovely children. Send your dad a card out of politness (and for the sake of your conscience), but don't give him the opportunity to hurt you again in person. It's the only way you can protect your feelings, and guard your own family from stress.

 

And remember, you do not have to repeat these same mistakes with your kids. Celebrate your fatherhood next Father's Day, and worry less about what your dad thinks or says about you.

 

I hope this helps,

 

BellaDonna

 

P.S. It would be helpful if you broke your post into paragraphs because it will be easier for members to read, which will likely lead to you getting more responses/help.

[jimbeam]

It really isn't centered on money, but it has something to do with it. My parents don't respect us enough to listen to what I have to say, respect our boundaries and actually try and help accommodate our extremely difficult lives. They expect us to conform to what they way and if that is the case, they will watch us suffer to get by, while they give everything to my well-off sister. Money is not the issue, but examples of lack of respect involve it. If my family apologized sincerely and respect our boundaries and decisions than all the other issues I believe would resolve themselves. But no matter what I say to them, no matter how much I tell them they are hurting me it does not seem to matter.

[Hellzapoppin]

I ending up having to see a therapist because I couldn’t work and was crying all the time.

 

You are way, way too emmeshed with your parents and sister. It's time to cut the cord.

You have your own family now ~ don't destroy your joy by trying to get approval from your parents, because you already know you never will. Your sister is the only one worth anything in that house - and you know it.

Stop trying to get them to care.

They don't give a d*mn about you, your wife, or your babies --- accept it and move on.

 

You are a grown man. Cut the apron strings and for gosh sakes, STAY AWAY from these people who obviously DO NOT CARE!!!