he's "seeing" other people...i'm thinking of saying goodbye

[Catatonic]

(WARNING: long!)

 

i ended up asking him last night while we were chatting online. he said he doesn't consider it dating until it gets serious. i should've asked him when he considers it serious but given that he said he hasn't had a serious relationship since college i guess having sex w/ someone doesn't count as serious. so then that means that he's okay w/ having sex w/ multiple people b/c having sex still doesn't mean dating... and then i wonder why he says a lot of his exs are psycho... and why he was trying to push things so fast with me from early on...

 

i told him that i don't want to be involved w/ someone who's having sex w/ someone else and he said okay. i'm seeing him tonight but i'm thinking that maybe i should i'll make it the last time. i know i should just enjoy and not let things bother me but i will be lying to myself that it doesn't. it's bad b/c just as i decided to put more effort into it and i told him a couple days before that i'm starting to like hugging & kissing and then the truth comes out. and of course the cookie incident and now i think he did it purposely b/c i was chatting online w/ him before so he could've made an excuse for me not to come. and why was he chatting w/ me if he had a "friend" over? i feel like it was a mind game. and i don't think he believes me when i told him i've never dated before and never kissed, etc b/c he is always asking me sly questions like trying to catch me off guard or whatever. and he pretty much insinuated that he thinks i'm devious.

 

i think i'm already a little too attached b/c i don't want to walk away if he's just feeling insecure b/c i was a little aloof on the dates and if he just started playing mind games b/c of it. he makes little comments and things that makes me think he does like me. but then again he said that he doesn't play games so maybe he's telling the truth. so then why should i waste time on someone when it's clearly going to end soon? he's already insinuated that he might be telling me soon that he's getting physically involved w/ someone.

 

anyway, i'm kinda thinking out loud here. i'm conflicted and i'm not sure what to think or what to do. he suddenly changed this week? he still asks me to do things around every other day or so. i don't get it and he really didn't seem like the type of person to do this. my friend who's known him longer didn't think so either. but i have to admit...i hinted that i wasn't sure how i felt about him last friday when we hung out. it was still only 2 weeks since we had met and i had reservations b/c he had wanted to start cuddling and kissing on the third "date" but i had wanted to take it slower and get to know him.

[Gratsy]

END IT BEFORE HE DOES. He's gonna dump you at one point. It will be easier on you if you're the first, trust me. And cut off contact. This guy is almost completely emotionally separated from you right now.

[Catatonic]

yeah i was thinking that too. but then why the heck would he bother to ask me to do things?

 

i think he's keeping me around just to see if he can get me to sleep w/ him. which is why he was pushing so hard early on. but it's weird b/c outwardly he really doesn't seem the type. really doesn't seem like the type. but he's had a really bad experience w/ the ex from college so...

[Gratsy]

yeah i was thinking that too. but then why the heck would he bother to ask me to do things?

 

i think he's keeping me around just to see if he can get me to sleep w/ him. which is why he was pushing so hard early on. but it's weird b/c outwardly he really doesn't seem the type. really doesn't seem like the type. but he's had a really bad experience w/ the ex from college so...

 

Bingo. Honey, you're a smart woman. Sometimes the truth hurts but you're aware of the truth. Trust me, its sucks and I've been there. And I wasn't as aware as you are. Don't fall for it and get out while it won't hurt as much. He's a loser.

[ghost69]

sounds like he really doesn't want to be exclusive with you.

[Catatonic]

he had a really bad experience w/ an ex. they were virgin and together for 3 years but then he caught her cheating. so i think he's still broken from that even though it was 6 years ago. it's too bad because he's actually not a bad person, it's just he's got issues that he hasn't fixed.

 

and i'm not a miracle worker by any means so i'm leaving before i get dragged in. the pattern of having "psycho exs" is really not a good sign.

[Stinking Rose]

Most men ask women to do things with them to only get in their pants. That's their main objective in wanting a relationship or just something casual. It all boils down to sex. If you're not emotionally ready please, separate yourself from this guy because to him you are just another woman that he can coax to get into bed with.

 

I found that men who sleep with a multitude of women have very little confidence in themselves hence they need the constant validation. You are just one of many, you are not important to him. Believe that and you may just save yourself a lot of heartaches later on.

[ladyblue07]

the pattern of having "psycho exs" is really not a good sign.

Amen. I'm glad you realize that.

The first step he has to take in fixing himself is to be able to accept his own role in what went wrong. As long as he keeps blaming his exes instead of trying to learn from it and improve himself, he'll be damaged goods.

You're very smart to realize you can't fix someone. He has to want to fix himself.

[russ978]

Most men ask women to do things with them to only get in their pants. That's their main objective in wanting a relationship or just something casual. It all boils down to sex. If you're not emotionally ready please, separate yourself from this guy because to him you are just another woman that he can coax to get into bed with.

 

I found that men who sleep with a multitude of women have very little confidence in themselves hence they need the constant validation. You are just one of many, you are not important to him. Believe that and you may just save yourself a lot of heartaches later on.

 

 

Absolute BS.

 

It sounds like this guy is in a phase where he wants to date multiple indivuduals. There is nothing wrong with that as it helps one determine what they like and what they are really looking for in relationships.

 

unfortunately, when someone who views sex as exclusive dating makes the assumption that it means exclusive dating, it can lead to conflict. At least he was upfront with you.

 

You have to make the decision whether or not you are willing to date someone who still isn't willing to date only one person.

 

A lot of people may view his behavior as 'only in it for the sex' which may be completely true but people can also date multiple individuals without there being the automatic expectation of exclusiveness. Many women date multiple men, many men date multiple women. Some settle down, some don't.

 

If you think that he is someone worth pursuing a future with, let him know that it isn't something you are cool with and he'll make his choice. If I were in your position where I wanted an exclusive relationship and the person I was dating didn't, I'd make my opinion known with no expectation that he change. You also didn't mention how long you've been dating him...trying to cause immediate change to an individual isn't usually the grounds for a stable relationship.

 

Hope all works out!

[Catatonic]

We were only dating for 3 weeks and I don't intend to make an ultimatum and I don't intend on asking/expecting him to change. Actually in his eyes I don't think we were dating, we were "seeing" each other. I've realized that we just have very different expectations and styles. I think I am a conservative dater and he considers himself moderate.

 

What threw me off is how eager he was. Wanted to cuddle and kiss on the second date, wanted me to sleep over on the third. When I told him I wasn't comfortable yet, he backed off with that but still made little comments that I wasn't affectionate, was slow, etc. He treated me well in other ways but his comments and previous behavior made me act more cautious.

 

I know many people don't think kissing or maybe even sleeping over as a big deal but it was my first time kissing and also I don't kiss people I don't like. I don't do things with people that I wouldn't do with a friend unless I like them and am willing to commit exclusively for as long as it goes.

 

I do appreciate his honesty. I know many men wouldn't even have answered honestly. It was bad timing because I decided that I wanted to show him more affection and that I was willing to compromise on intimacy (cuddling/kissing okay, everything else not until I was comfortable) so I made cookies for him and was going to talk to him. I chatted with him a bit online and then told him I was coming over to drop off something. He said okay then I got a text telling me to call when I get there b/c he had a friend over for a "business" meeting (his quotation). When I got there I called but I saw girl sandals left outside the door (everyone usually takes them off inside) and he acted very abrupt and strange. but he did ask me if i would like to do something wed. I knew he was working on a project for a friend so I gave him the benefit of the doubt but it really nagged me.

 

I spent the next day debating with myself whether to call it quits with him or continue on and tell him what I had been thinking of telling him. I ended up talking to him wed about the compromise and he seemed more friendly, etc. Yesterday I talked to him some more about communication and that I have the tendency to want take time to think things over but I do come back to tell him what I feel. And that I would like it if he was more forward with his communication and what he wants instead of giving me hints. He said just ask and that he's honest. So I ended up asking him about dating other people and that's where I am now.

 

Sorry, I turned this post into a novel. I'm just regurgitating my experience.

 

P.S.: Would you normally consider it dating if you were seeing someone 2-3 times a week? If you were kissing someone? This is my first dating experience and I know that there's a whole range but what really is the "norm"?

 

P.P.S.: Is it a good chance that a guy has trust issues if he keeps saying that he doesn't want drama, doesn't want mind games, doesn't like getting onto emotional rollercoasters, etc? And what does it mean when a guy keeps saying that sometimes you miss out or miss the boat/airplane if you're too cautious/slow, etc? Just trying to learn as much as I can from this experience so I don't make the same mistakes in the future.