Does child abuse always lead to this?

[justAfront]

PLEASE HELP ME.... THIS IS ONLY THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.... AT TIMES I FEEL LIKE MY DAUGHTER WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME BUT I WOULD NOT WANT HER TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GUILT OF MY ACTIONS SO EVERY DAY I PRAY THAT I HAVE AN ACCIDENT SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO THINK OR FEEL OR PRETEND ANYMORE.

 

I am new and so confused don't know what to say now! Was abused by my brother who I hate to admit now, but I absolutely adored, from the age of 8 to 16. He raped me when I was 14. I am now an adult & have been seeing a psychologist for nearly a year. My problem is that I can now handle the abuse itself (I think/sort of - well most days) but can't seem to get a grip on other stuff. Stuff like trust, self confidence, love, indecision, the ability to say no (to anything. Oh I am really good at anger and blame and guilt! My bf is great but he can only take so much - do all child abuse suffers make a habit of pushing and pushing and pushing the one they love the most in the whole wide world away!? I do it all the time. It feels like I have to make him prove his love for me every second day. If he doesn't I can become quite volatile. WILL I EVER LEARN TO HANDLE THIS? As I said my bf is great but in the healing process I have lost my family - they don't want to know about it!

 

I GET SO CONFUSED AND SCARED AND OUT OF IT (EMOTIONALY) THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LET MY BF KNOW WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON IN MY HEAD!

[Entropy Smith]

Its going to take alot of time to heal your wounds. The most important thing in your relationship with your BF is communication...as long as he understands you and you guys are communicating it shouldn't be too bad...let him know there are going to be times you need space...harm reduction is what you should practice ...its like being a burn victim...the healing process has to be slow and gentle because of the pain. It is VERY COMMON for vicitms of abuse to feel the way you do and push people away...then comes the guilt...you have an awareness of what you are doing...that is a HUGE step...you can change your behavior and how you interact...just give yourself time and know its going to happen again but each time resolve to learn alittle and move forward...sometimes its 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, 2 steps forward...

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I think your daughter would be more hurt if she lost you, then if you lived and kept seeking counseling. I was also abused as a child by my mother. She physically and verbally abused me everyday. She took her anger out on me, because she was severely depressed and didn't know what else to do (that's how I see it). Because of her actions then, today I am a very vulnerable person. I fall into things so fast, that they almost immediately hurt me. What I mean by this is that I have been in so many relationship (friendships, romantic relationships, relationship with family) that have failed and that I was hurt from. People have used me to no end.

 

I really understand where you are coming from. It's so hard to trust people and to feel comfortable with yourself.

 

Do you get anxiety attacks?

[15 Storeys High]

Trust is the major issue here. Once your ability to trust has been abused and broken down it's one of the most difficult things to regain. When you're young you blindly put your trust in the people that surround you, the people that are supposed to embrace your trust and prove it right. When those people take it away it's confusing and scary and it wrecks your whole emotional development and the way you view the world. It took me several years to learn how to trust again and even now I am wary of most people. It takes time and you have to force yourself to take small risks everyday....trusting someone to do a favour, trusting someone to really tell them how you feel right then, trusting someone to be there.....if you can do those, eventually it will become habit like it's supposed to.

[justAfront]

Thanks guys. I DO know I am not the only one out there with these issues but some days it just seems soooooo hard. I seem to have a week or so of good days and then flip out again. My psychologist thinks I am going great but I don't know about that? She only sees me every now and then not really when I am at my worst.

 

As for my bf - when I REALLY flip out he tends to cut me off which I don't blame him for. I can be quite (very) nasty. I know communication is the key but when I voice what is going on in my head it sounds to stupid. No I mean it! It sounds STUPID. Sadly my man is very intelligent but not very literate so I cannot write stuff down for him or refer reading to him. I suppose part of my problem is the trivialising (is that a word?) of the spoken word - My Word that is.

 

Anxiety attacks? Yes. I will be driving my car and all of a sudden the road seems too narrow for my car & I only got a little car!!! Black outs? yes. I will be talking and then all of a sudden I have no idea what I was saying - total blank. Or I will be driving home from work and all of a sudden I am closer to home than I thought - what happened to the last 5kms?

 

I must be slipping back to my ok period - I am not crying whilst writing!

 

Thanks Again

[hear_her_roar]

I was abused as a child as well, and I've often found myself doing the same thing. It's very, very hard, but you have to be able to see what you are doing as what it really is and try to learn how to separate your past feelings of hurt from the situation at hand. Try not to let your past affect your current relationships, but at the same time, it's important to keep in mind that it's hard for any given person to trust people at times, and that many of your feelings could in fact be completely normal.

 

Honestly, I haven't even come close to achieving this, but it's important for us to try! The key to all of this is not trying to put a stop to it right away, but to begin to realize why we react in certain ways.

 

I truly empathise with your situation, and wish you the best of luck.

[justAfront]

Thanks All - it really is good hearing from everyone but I still find it so difficult to NOT express myself thru anger even though I know it isn't my bf's fault. Maybe I am sraced of myself more than him!

[Mavh25]

I was, and still slightly am exactly the same. Its almost refreshing to read i'm not alone

 

I tested everyone, I was quite nasty and I'd push and push with my words to test how long they would stand by me. Then eventually when they gave in I'd be like... "You could'nt of really cared if you gave in", when really I had given them no choice.

 

This is something you have to deal with yourself, you just have to realise what you're doing, what this can lead to, the consequences. Does your partner know about your abuse? There is nothing wrong with needing some reassurance you just need to know your limits. Each time you wanna burst out and be catty and want more from something you have to remind yourself that they don't see it like you do, and remember the things they HAVE said to you. Think before you get angry,