For Guys: Transition From Female Friend to Girlfriend?

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

Ok, this is for guys only basically. I want to know the mind set guys have regarding this issue.

 

Ok, some of you might know that I have other posts in other parts of this forum regarding an issue. I'm posting this single topic for discussion because it's particularly interesting to me because of my situation.

 

Do guys who have female friends but don't actually have a romantic attraction to the female friends typically lack such an attraction because they don't look at them in a physical/sexual light? In other words, the female is too much of "one of the guys"?

 

And if that is the case, then is it possible for one of these friends to switch into the role of potential girlfriend if the man's sexual/physical interest in her is raised? Or, is it common for a guy who pegs a girl as simply a friend to ALWAYS think of her that way and his opinion of her will never change?

 

Also, if a girl is to catch the man's attention physically/sexually, then typically what does it normally take for this to happen? What do guys respond to? Is it a change in dress? A change in how the girl looks at him? Talks to him?

[Russ]

It's happened a few times for me where I thought of the girl just as a "dude to hang out with". Then, all going to a dance, she dressed to accentuate the feminine parts of herself, and it hit me like a hammer that she is a girl, and a very attractive one at that. Though I did have a girlfriend I was happy with at the time, I did notice her in a whole different way.

 

So yes, it is possible

 

Also, there's the factor where you can let it slip to someone who gossips quite well that you find the guy cute. Depending if you feel secure about your social status, it'll be all over the place, and it'll reach him. A girl always seems more attractive to a guy if he knows she's interested in him.

[capbit]

I think the reason guys are friends with girls in the first place is because they are attracted to them in some way. I don't think it's just me.

There can be many reasons why a guy hasn't made a move, but there are some girls out there that can be just one of the guys. Very rarely though.

If his eyes aren't open, anything from touching, dressing up, showing more affection can do the trick.

[LER07]

I have also been wondering about this exact question, so thanks to the OP for posting it and I hope more guys answer!

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

Alright, thanks for the replies so far. This is good.

 

See, I am having some issues along these lines right now and I'm interested in the dynamics of male and female friendships and how and when and if possible they ever become conflicted due to romantic overtones.

 

There's that saying that men and women cannot truly be friends because they become caught up eventually by sexual issues. One or the other or both will develop romantic issues. In my case, I became attracted to a guy friend but he says he thinks of me as a friend only. So now I'm onto the path of wondering whether that can change and why that change can actually take place.

 

Girls tend to become friends with guys and are able to separate Boyfriends from Brothers: in other words, a girl judges a guy on whether she could ever be in a romantic relationship with him, and this typically is based on whether she can imagine herself kissing him, and if she does, more than likely she'll try to be friends with him first because she's motivated to get to know him, but normally if she likes him she'll show interest eventually. But if she doesn't like him romantically, she'll be his friend and he'll turn into a brother figure.

 

Well I wonder what the male side of the story is. One of the above posters says guys become friends with girls and no matter what there is a bit of attraction. Is that true all around or just you above? And furthermore, do you find it attractive that a girl can hang out with you and watch sports and action movies and play video games, etc. rather than criticize you for it, or do you find that a turn-off?

 

Are guys merely rooted in physical/sexual attraction and always need to know whether they are physically attracted to a girl before they can conceive of dating her, or is that only some guys? And supposing it is true and guys need a physical attraction first before they can progress, then supposing they suddenly realize a female friend is actually a female and attractive, then what happens after? Does the guy ALWAYS remember that girl to be attractive, or does the girl have to continue reminding him? So in other words, if a female friend appears attractive suddenly, for a night only, does a man need to see her like this all the time to stay interested or can the girl go back to wearing a hoodie the next day and still retain the guy's interest? And does the guy ever come to recognize that this is a low-maintenance girl rather than a high-maintenance?

[Night Pumpkin]

I have a couple of female friends who I have never felt any attraction towards. You can be friends with a girl and never feel anything more than a friendship.

[ghost69]

i don't cross the friendship boundary with women that i want to be my friend. i've done it in the past and i won't do it anymore. but you want to get a friend's attention? dress a bit more sexy, but only when you know he will be around. hang out with him more one on one.

[Batya33]

I disagree OP with your generalizations - for me it has been far more fluid and for others I know - no rigid boundaries in the way you describe. Now, I do believe very strongly that men and women can and should be platonic friends. I do believe that sometimes there is no attraction but even if there is, if the attraction is not distracting or an obstacle to the friendship - or if both people choose not to let it be so (because one or both are unavailable) a platonic friendship can be great.

 

Also, it's not like attraction, once there, means that the guy in question automatically wants to date the lady. It has to be a strong enough attraction to motivate the transition, and it has to be the right timing and also the guy has to view the lady as someone he would want to be in a relationship with (I assume that's your question - not just whether "I don't want to have intercourse with you" can change to "I do, so let's go!")

 

I have experienced and I am sure this is normal all of a sudden "noticing" someone you never noticed in that way before. So what. It doesn't mean that that is going to blossom into a relationship, a date, that you'll ever feel that way again or that the other person will know you ever felt that way. I am sure many women "notice" other women in that way from time to time but they are not lesbians and do not want to have an affair with that woman.

 

I don't think analyzing your situation is the answer. I think the answer is, when a person tells you he is not into you and does not point to something you can change (like, a habit or a lifestyle you have, etc) or want to change - if there is simply no clicking, no chemistry, no attraction, it's far better to focus your energies on someone who is than trying to get that person to "notice" you. Indeed, if anything is going to "work" that is!

[grymoire]

Well I wonder what the male side of the story is. One of the above posters says guys become friends with girls and no matter what there is a bit of attraction. Is that true all around or just you above? And furthermore, do you find it attractive that a girl can hang out with you and watch sports and action movies and play video games, etc. rather than criticize you for it, or do you find that a turn-off?

 

This is completely wrong.

 

I have many female friends that I am not attracted to at all. It doesn't matter how sexy they are going to dress and flirt... I just cannot see them in "that" way. They are beautiful but its just that I am not attracted to them. Even if they are going to drop their clothes and appear naked in front of me I am not going to get turned on. I have had female room-mates when I was in college. Not even one day did I dream about kissing them or making out with them. We were friends... there was no attraction there.

 

I also have to say another thing. There was one instance where I happened to see a girl in a public place and got very attracted to her. I approached her and talked to her. She reciprocated as well. But the moment I hit on her she said she is interested in just a friendship and nothing else. I continued the friendship and have accepted her rejection. But the attraction is still there... It's just that I am not acting on it because I value the friendship. So this is a case of a guy and girl being friends and one person experiencing attraction for the other. What you got to note is the fact that I felt the attraction even before I knew her name... I just saw her and felt the attraction.

 

I hope this answers your question.

 

PS: What's with women classifying their male friends as brothers? Is it a problem for you to call your male friends as just friends instead of brothers? Would you feel comfortable if the guy you are crushing on called you as his sister just because you are his friend?

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

I'm not saying all girls consider their male friends brother figures. It just happens that more often than not the guy "feels" like a brother. In my experience, this happens when the girl is the more dominating person in the relationship and the guy doesn't sit around asserting himself as a man. It just turns into a friendship where the girl thinks of a guy as a brother. I have friends who are like brother types and I have friends who are just guy friends. But why exactly does it bother you so for a female friend to call you a brother or at least think of you as such? It's not like girls walk around specifically referring to guy friends as brothers. They just describe them to other female friends that way on occasion.

 

As for guys, I've just been wondering how they feel in that arena regarding female friends. One guy said above that he always has an attraction to a girl even if they're friends. Another two or so guys say they have absolutely no attraction to a female friend and that they like having female friends without the romantic notions getting involved.

 

As for the above posts about noticing someone after not noticing them for a while: I know that happens where you are not attracted to them but then you suddenly could be one day. It actually happened to me in my situation. I'm just wondering how likely that is from the male perspective. And more importantly, what it normally is that causes a guy to go from uninterested to interested, if he does. Some guys have suggested it's only a physical spark that is needed. Some have said it's completely a feeling that never goes away and a feeling they don't want to leave. Others have said they just didn't have their eyes open to the idea and all it takes is knowledge that the girl is interested to begin thinking about it. There is a whole range here of answers from guys. So it would seem that it really depends on the girl probably too, not just the guy.

 

The reason I am obsessing somewhat about this is more to do with my sense of self worth in the matter. In my case, I feel let down more than normal in that the guy I like fell for a girl who is selfish, icy, mean-hearted at times, and completely manipulative and fake and full of mind games. He then chose his best friend as a new girlfriend after the ex and she treated him like her brother or a child by playing the mother. Their relationship didn't work because they are too much like a brother and sister. Now I have approached him after 4-5 months of his being single and he says he thinks of me as a friend and said he's sorry he can't return my sentiments of liking him as a potential boyfriend. So for me, I'm half obsessed with understanding why he can prefer a girl who ripped his heart out and treated other people around him rather poorly too, and also date a girl who dominated him like a mother, but then I am someone who actually treats him well and lets him be himself and I enjoy all the things he likes and yet ... no dice. That's where I'm slightly on a crazy kick of understanding how the male mind works. Sorry.

[grymoire]

I feel for you... I really really feel for you. You know why? Because your story and mine are exactly the same, just the genders are reversed. Is it not a torture to like some one so much but have them say "sorry i like you only as a friend"? and does it not hurt like hell when you see that person going for some one else that treats them like crap?

 

I have taken that painful road before.... hurt so much so badly... and finally decided to end that journey to retain my sanity and emotional health. If I continue that journey I know that the last bit of self esteem will also be gone.

 

The girl that I liked so much told me that she only likes me as a friend. And then she dated a guy that treated her like dirt, cheated on her, and finally put her in jail. Can you imagine how I would have felt? Here I am right next to you as your very close friend giving all my love.. but you reject me and go for a guy that will hurt you. Why oh why??? Then I learnt the harsh truth that once a girl sees a guy as a friend then that's pretty much the end of it. She will always see him only as a friend and nothing more. She will date one jerk after another but she will never give even one single chance to the guy that she considers as a close friend. There is nothing that can be done when the attraction is simply not there...

 

I see the reverse is happening in your case. You like this guy so much and yet he says you are just a friend and goes after women that treat him poorly.

 

My advice to you -> Please forget this person and move on with your life. I have noticed that you have started 3 different threads in 3 different sections about this situation. It's not worth it. If he doesn't want you then it is his loss. You just move on to some one else that is worthy of your time and emotions. Save yourself the heart-ache and the brooding over his feelings for you.

 

I wish you good luck... truly... you need lots of it.

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

Thank you for the response but I'm always so happy when I get those responses from people saying "Move on to someone who does care about you" or "Move on to someone who does like you" or "Move on to someone" - anyone with advice for when there isn't anyone to move on to?

 

I'd like to do that, but it just happens that this guy in question is the first to show up in my life in 1.5 years. Guys never like me. They think of me as a friend or they're too intimidated. And if I do get the slightest hint that a guy likes me romantically ... normally the guy bothers me immensely because he's weird or annoying.

 

I would like to meet a guy who is just as good as the one I like now, but actually could fathom a relationship with me because I've never found one yet!

[LER07]

I have the same issue! The guys I am attracted to don't seem to be interested in me in that way, and most of the guys that do seem to make their attraction obvious are a little weird or creepy. Then there have been a few that are nice guys, but I'm simply not attracted to them. It's not like I'm only attracted in super-handsome guys either! I do not think I have unreasonable expectations, in fact I'd say the majority of the guys I am interested in are more on the average-looking side. So I don't get it. It's nice to know I'm not the only one with this problem, and I hope someone here has some advice for us!

[Batya33]

There is always someone to move on to - you. By moving on I meant being open to new people not knowing that there is someone waiting to take your crush's place.

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

How is being open to new people and looking for someone new not the same thing? Am I misunderstanding what you wrote? And I wasn't actually responding to your post. Other posters give that stock statement of "you should move on to someone new because there's always someone around the corner" - I can hear that rubbish all day from my mother or friends or whoever but I've been round many corners and not found anyone waiting.

 

I hate being told that the best thing to do in a situation is to just move on and find someone new. News flash to all the people in my life telling me that: quality guys don't just rush towards me as they do some girls. I have dealt with unrequited love THREE times now in the past four years. First guy I ever liked gave me plenty of signals but apparently didn't like me back - I didn't have the guts to say anything for three years and then two years ago I did and that didn't work out and he met someone else. A year goes by and I meet someone in my first quarter at college. Hmmm, there were signs, but no, I'm just a friend to that one too. Then, over a year goes by and now I'm back in THE VERY SAME spot again liking someone who says "Sorry, I don't share the sentiments" but can we still be friends? Sheesh! W.T.F?

 

And yeah, LER07, I'm totally with you. It's not like I have some ridiculous standards or something for a guy and that I demand absolute prettiness from a guy. The ones I like are normally considered dorky and shy and "alright looking" and are never "too good looking for me" or anything like that. I prefer guys who are decent and mature (more than the average guy at least) and smart and reasonably attractive (enough that I can imagine physical interaction one day) and any time I find one of these guys, my attempts to get to know the guy results in my being "just a friend" - am I destined to be single until all these guys get out of whatever idealized funk they're in and turn 28 and realize what is the difference between girls you could one day marry and girls who are only looking for college flings?

[Batya33]

I am sorry you're frustrated but it's not my fault. Being open to new people means that if you happen to meet someone you click with you are open to dating him. Looking for someone new means that you are doing activities that are focused at least in part on meeting someone new to date.

 

I only get involved with quality men - men of character, integrity, intelligence, with great senses of humor and big hearts. In order to make sure I gave myself the best possible opportunity to meet men like that I saved my pennies and moved 10 miles from where I grew up so that I would be smack in the middle of a major city teeming with single men with similar backgrounds to me.

 

What I find is often if you are so focused on one crush that is unrequited that says far more about you than it does about "who else is out there" - what it says to me is that you might want to consider - without getting too defensive like in your last post - that you are using it as an excuse not to be out there. It's far safer to worship from afar and claim that there is no one else out there than to be out there on the front lines living your life and being open to meeting people.

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

I am not frustrated with any one person on this board. I am frustrated with my situation. If you get the feeling I am being defensive or anything, apologies because I am not. I am simply stating fact. I have my mother telling me all the time that there is some great guy around the corner or that I should try to focus my energies on someone new for a change. Again, I insist on the fact that out of the guys I have met since going to college, only THREE have presented themselves as potentially interested guys. Two I have now acted on. The third turned out to be married for crying out loud so I stayed far the heck away from showing interest there. But of the two, both showed obvious signs that had all of our friends buzzing about ... and they were kind enough to disappoint me and all of our friends.

 

The saying "Just around the corner" is for a person with regularly interested guys who are in fact, waiting in the wings. My wings are empty and devoid of interest. With the one exception of this one guy who thinks he's the greatest gift to man and that women who don't live up to his demands "disappoint" him, etc etc. He's so full of himself it's crazy. So he's not an option. Otherwise, my eyes are always open to new guys who might present themselves. I don't have them shut or anything like that. I just never have any guys to look at! And I don't go purposefully stalking the frats or clubs or any sorts of big events in search of some random guy. I do have some standards and I prefer trying to get to know a guy first in a casual, friendly way. Then again, doing that normally results in him just liking me as a friend.

 

I, too, value "quality men" - something that's hard to find at my university. I socialize, as much as my university allows me as it is rather time-consuming. But I am also somewhat shy and so I'm a little more less inclined to just waltz up to a random guy at some event and strike up a conversation. I've never had a boyfriend in my life so I'm not exactly the master of nerves and full of faith in guys. I had a horrible high school experience with guys because they were all moronic arses, so meeting the average guy on the street or at a school event is scary. Besides, I find it a lot easier to get hit on by guys out of college rather than in. I don't know why but that's how it happens. Older guys are more likely to give me a second look in passing than anyone my age.

 

In this particular scenario though with the guy friend, I am upset more about this particular guy because he is absolutely THE CATCH and one of the nicest guys, if not THE nicest guy I've ever met, and someone you basically figure is worth fighting for. Now I'm only into Day 4 of being upset and dwelling too much on the subject. It's not like I've sat here for two months and complained and not done anything. But this is the type of guy who is "quality" and is a few personality quirks short of perfect. And I'm royally pissed that he should not have interest because I feel like that says something about me personally. That I'm not worth his salt or I don't know what. It's a ridiculous feeling because it's not true, but it's a feeling sitting in my gut nonetheless. It makes me feel like I have to settle with less. That the next guy who comes along will lack even more. But knowing my pattern, the next guy will probably want to just be my friend too. I'm so glad that I'm great enough to spend time with but not deserving of any sort of romantic interest. I have an absolutely horrific fear of never getting married or having kids all because I never manage to actually find a man interested in me. I don't want to be Sheryl Crow or Halle Berry one day.

 

And I know I'm only 20 and shouldn't be freaking out about this, but having never had a boyfriend and thinking of the prospect of graduating from college without any experience of dealing with such matters and knowing how to navigate a situation of going out in the real world to find an actual man, rather than with the comfort of a friend in college whom I have known for a while and trust - well it's positively frightening.

[Batya33]

Most of this if not all is about your anxiety and overreaction which of course becomes a vicious cycle because people can tell that from a mile away and it is a turn off. I don't agree with your mother about "right around the corner" as a positive mindset. It could be true, it could not. Meanwhile, you live your life with your interests and hobbies and work and school and friends, you promise yourself that you will work on that shyness with baby steps (this week I will say hello to one new person, next week to two, etc).

 

This is not a contest or a competition - how many boyfriends you can have before college ends. That's just silly.

 

And this guy is not your mr. right in the least. if he was you would be in a relationship with him. since he is not interested in you by definition he is not your mr. right and nor should you take it personally! I know, easier said than done.... but since I am twice your age am I permitted to say that it is "true?"

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

I never said I'm looking to collect boyfriends or win a competition before college ends. I said I'm scared of graduating from college without having the more easy-going approach to dating college life offers, where you more than likely already know the guy you're going out with. The idea of being 26 and meeting some random guy at the supermarket and going on a date is frightening to me, especially if I do that without ANY experience of what it's like to have a boyfriend. I'm not concerned with matching my peers or trying to fit in or anything silly like that - I'm concerned with what it will be like if I turn 26 and I still have never been on a proper date and experienced a relationship. I suppose I have this fear that it'll scare guys away if they're out with a girl who is in her mid-twenties and has never kissed a guy before. Ever see that movie Never Been Kissed with Drew Barrymore? That's me, except I wasn't freakishly unattractive as they made her for when she was in high school. I was just the smart quiet one who none of the guys ever talked to - and if I tried, they looked at me like I had the plague and that I shouldn't be attempting to talk to them.

 

I understand what you're saying about how he's not worth my salt if he doesn't like me. But let's not get into the political correctness of whether a guy should change his mind about a girl if she suddenly appears more attractive to him or something and if we should accept it or go all feminist on him and say he should have approved of the girl before she had to appeal to his hormones. When I say he is right for me, I mean that he does accept me and get along with me and enjoys spending time with me, but as far as the romantic feelings are concerned, he says he's sorry he can't say he feels the same. Now in theory, Mr. Right is absolutely infatuated with a girl and is head over heels and he's perfect. Well I've yet to find guys who are even half as decent as the one I like now.

 

And you're right that the bulk of my freaking out the past few days is stemming from anxiety and I am probably overreacting with how to accept the rejection - turning it into an issue of judgment on myself. But it definitely feels that way. He is, by all accounts, the One to Want, and the One to Want doesn't want me - so it feels like I am being told that I am not good enough for the Ones to Want, because he's the second One to Want who has been in my life.

 

Now perhaps the world is far too crowded with arses for me to find the good ones readily, because according to everyone they are apparently around. But I never can seem to find the good ones all that quickly. I have endured more cat calls on the street than I have endured conversations with decent and good-natured guys. It's pathetic how easy it is to meet jerks anywhere, and how pathetic it is that good guys don't ever go for good girls.

 

I'm of the mind to hope that he dates a few girls who all drive him up a wall so that he'll see that he's interested in the wrong ones too much.

[JadedStar]

The idea of being 26 and meeting some random guy at the supermarket and going on a date is frightening to me, especially if I do that without ANY experience of what it's like to have a boyfriend.

 

These are irrational fears tho...you can continue to be a slave to the fear or continue to stay in your comfort zone pining away for a guy who after all this time should have asked you out if he really liked you the same.

 

Your comfort zone and lack of wanting to leave it is the reason you are having problems in the area of dating....not because no one else would be interested.

 

Be careful, not wanting to leave comfort zones can cause many people to never ruffle the status quo in their lives. Successful people take some risks...

[Batya33]

Your cycnicsm is your worst enemy here. My ex, who is getting married next month (he is 41, first marriage) had his first real girlfriend at age 28. I was probably the 3rd girlfriend and I really couldn't tell any difference in "experience" in my relationship with him.

 

One of my friends, a happily married mother - very attractive - a lawyer, met her husband in the laundry room of her building one rainy valentine's day when she was 37 and he was 32. Many more stories like that.

 

As an adult, I never met a serious boyfriend randomly - they were either set-ups, a co-worker, a personal ad, or introduced through friends. Nothing wrong with random but I liked being proactive. Worked for me. Many different ways to meet compatible people except that being so bitter and cynical is a surefire way to sabotage that.

[SunshinySpotlessMind]

Just as an update for the record, I went to the dance thing last night and it was nice because he and I aren't really the dancing type, at least not readily, and so we hung back at first. But then shockingly they suddenly turned up the lights and put on a waltz! So he ended up asking me to dance as he knows I've never danced before in my life with a guy. So that was nice of him. I know he only did it to be nice because I am not about to go reading into him unless he plain comes up to me in the future and says, "I've changed my mind." But anyhow, it was nice nonetheless to attempt dancing. I didn't step on his feet and even though we just sort of stepped back and forth in a bit of a circle, it was nice.

 

He also did seem to take notice of me a little more. When I first walked out and he saw me I could see that he was a little surprised. He didn't say anything, but I know he looked at me a few times and he managed to put himself behind me or beside me when we left to go over to the other dorm where the dance was. And he danced next to me for nearly the entirety of the dance. Of course, he's not really that good so maybe it was because I don't judge him or because I admit to having a hard time getting into the dancing bit. But I ended up having a blast so I got into the dancing just as much as my friends were. But I ended up hanging out with him quite a bit for the night as he was supposed to go to another party thing that he was involved in, but he stuck around with us instead (us ironically being me and the exes and this one freshman guy who the exes hang with). Funny thing is the exes and I are friends basically so it's an odd group when it's him, the two exes, and me all hanging out for the night (we went to a birthday party for a friend after).

 

Anyhoo, that's sort of the little addition to matters. Every time I spend more time around him now, I feel better about things because he's still a great friend to have and even if there isn't going to be a relationship, he still shows enough attention to feel satisfied. I just need to remember to never allow myself to believe that anything nice he does has motive behind it.