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I don't think I will ever understand why people lie.

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This story is going to be long. And I couldn't figure out what section to post it in, so bear with me.


I met a guy in September, and after lots of talking and flirting for three months, we had become good friends. We never spoke of our feelings together, but I knew mine were evident, and I thought his said a lot too. Being 8 years older than me though, I felt a distance between us. He talked about his son pretty often, another reason why I was hesitant, and why I thought he was.


All the cute stuff in movies were happening. We'd see each other and just wouldn't be able to stop looking at each other from accross a room, he asked for my number to "help with a project". I knew it was his way of advancing things, because I am not in the same program as him, and even expressed that I didn't know much at all about what he was researching.


We talked every day on the way to school (bus), at school before classes, and sometimes on the way back if we took it the bus at the same time, and he was even showing up at the bus stand when I was there and he didn't have school for another 3 hours, and could easily have slept in a little longer.


I was enjoying the chase but was tortured by the fact that he was never making a move. He did eventually call me, to hang out with him on his birthday. We went to the library because it was just before midterms, and studied together (but really mostly talked) and went for coffee. It was nice. And on my birthday 3 days later he bought me scratch tickets cause he knew that I was addicted to scratching them (1 thing we both had in common).


The rest put simply, I found out over the Christmas holidays that he's in a relationship with his son's mother (whom he never once mentioned in 3 months of friendship) and not only that, but that they also have another child together - a daughter under a year old, and they ALL live together as a happy family. I saw know signs. Nothing whatsoever.

It must have taken a LOT of effort not to mention them.


I was hurt but blew it off and decided I wouldn't mention it. He grew distant for awhile because he knew I knew, and probably didn't know what my reaction would be. Then after the first week of holidays went by, he e-mailed me to see how I was doing and whatever. He was in contact daily, added me to msn, and was still showing the genuine interest he was before, only this time he knew I knew. I decided that I couldn't continue to be friends with him not having a clue what his motives were when he didn't tell me.


I asked him in an e-mail (because I was no longer running into him at school once it started back up) why he didn't ever just to say mention his girlfriend and their baby. He rambled about how he's had a rough year, and how lots of things have happened, some he can't even put his finger on. He then talked about how he gave up a lot of bad habits, and how it was difficult for him to decide to go back to school after about 8 years of a break. Then he talked about how he isn't trying to make friends or enemies, just "getting his act together". He then mentioned that he's just "trying to be nice to people", that he's sorry for any confusion, that he hopes I feel better (I've been sick) and that he'll see me around.


I couldn't make any sense of it at all. He couldn't tell me cause he gave up doing drugs? Because school is tough? Because he's trying to get his act together? Last I checked, considering someone a friend yet shutting them out is a little suspicious. And then when he mentions that he's just trying to be nice to people, it almost sounds as though he doesn't necessarily consider me a friend.


I told him I didn't buy what he told me, but that I was willing to drop it, and the following 2 days he flat out avoided me when he saw me. This morning he was on the bus but I wasn't going to sit with him just to have it cause issues, so I sat by myself. At school we came face to face, he had nowhere to run, and when I asked him how he was doing he just looked me dead in the eyes and said "Good." like he was not at all good.

I've never seen him so serious.


How did I become the bad guy?

Is our friendship salvageable if I can get over the fact that he's a moron?

Is there any way I can try to manipulate him into telling me the truth behind his actions?


I can't stand not knowing.

Even if it did have to do with feelings for me, clearly I wouldn't act on them, I just can't make sense of why he's distancing himself now.

And I wonder what would've happened if I would have hit on him. Kissed him or something. Would he have told me THEN?


Input welcome; if you were brave enough to read.:splat:

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Well, the thing is, if you have a past that you're not very proud of, would you broadcast it to the world? (Drugs, not doing well in school, etc. doesn't exactly make a good first impression.) I don't know how long you two were "friends" for, but these personal tidbits take time and unless they come up during conversation, nobody is really going to blatantly talk about it. It doesn't sound like he lied to you, it's just he never brought it up and neither did you.


Then you might wonder why he was giving you all those "signals"... well, maybe he was really just trying to be nice. (There's a fine line... i know) After being away from school for 8 years and then finally coming back, maybe he just wanted to make a school mate and it just so happened that he clicked with you the best and that's why he wanted to spend time with you. Male and female relationships don't always have to end up romantic.


In regards to him avoiding you in the end, well... can you blame him? Especially after you accused him of being a liar?


And to answer your question about "manipulating him to tell you the truth"... umm... does that sound like a friend to you? somebody who manipulates? I'm not sure if you're just curious or what not, but if you really want to be a real friend then just be there for him and if and when he's ready, he'll confide in you. You can't and shouldn't force somebody to tell you something if he's not willing to.


Yes, you can salvage the friendship, but you're going to need an open-mind and more patience. Since you were the one who kind of blew him off first, if you want to reconcile the friendship, then you would have to make the first move.


And FYI, just because you're "friends" doesn't imply that he has to tell you his whole life story. I've known my best friends for over a decade and there are still things that we don't know about each other. Not so much that we're hiding it, it's just it hasn't been discovered yet. Friendship, especially a good one, takes time to develop.

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It sounds like he had a lot of problems going on and he convinced himself that what was happening between you and him was the solution to these problems. Now that he's started to get his life back on track he is probably embarrassed about his behavior around you. I don't think he's trying to make you into the bad guy. I think that seeing you and talking to you reminds him of the troubles he's had in his past, and he would much rather focus on the future.


From what you said I think he was genuinely attracted to you and under different circumstances you guys could have had a good relationship. As it happened I think that he did use you, although maybe he didn't believe he was using you at it was happening.


Since you are going to be seeing him at school once in a while it might be a good idea to try to talk to him about it and get it resolved so you can end of good terms, but in general I think you should distance yourself from him and try to forget about the whole situation.


I'm sorry to hear that you ended up being the victim of his problems, and hope you have better luck in the future!

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it happens - i have been there too! i think he was having a rough time in his relationship, and found fun in his flirtation with you. maybe if he were single and available, he would have asked you out. but he isn't. i've been in a similar situation as you, and it sucks! anyways, forget about him, and just go about your business. i'd be pleasant, but distant. treat him like you would any other acquaintance from class. polite, but detached. forget him and find a guy sans gf and kids!!!


good luck

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