teknoise Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Not sure if this is the right sub-forum or not but here goes: So, I've been dating this girl for just over two months now, things have been going fabulously and I'm happy to be with someone I can actually tolerate. Its a good feeling. My only complaint is that she is a little clingy. Part of why we have moved so fast is a result of her clinginess, and perhaps my enabling of it a little bit. We've spent about every night together since mid-December and all of those nights have been at my place. She's slept at her place maybe once or twice in the past month. This has been fine for me, to a point. Where the problems arise is that she has a 2 year old son who has about 10x as much energy as my 2.5 year old daughter. Put the two of them together and its madness! Her son also does not get disciplined when he's at his fathers (my gf's ex). I get a little over whelmed by this and my other roommates, who don't have kids, get very overwhelmed to the point that they don't want her around as much with her kid. Another issue they have with her is that she is quite introverted and tends to hide out in my bedroom, coming downstairs only for food and then going back upstairs again... never making an attempt to get to know them at all. I understand my roommates can be intimidating but they find it disrespectful anyway. Now here comes the point of all this: I have 3 roommates and one of them is moving out, making the master bedroom open to rent. My gf jumped at the idea of her moving in. She is already planning on moving out of her place in March because she hates her place, and her lease is up. She always over anyway, has half her clothes here, and has been basically living here since mid December anyway, why not just move in?? I'd get to reclaim my master bedroom that I had to give up in order to make ends meet by having an extra roommate. I'd be living with my awesome gf! My daughter and her son would get to share a room and hang out all the time (they are best of friends - as best of friends as two 2 year olds could get) and everyone would live happily ever after! Obviously... its not that simple. My roommates didn't exactly jump at that option for a potential roommate. Though I own the house and make the final call, they pay rent and could simply move if living with two kids and a less than social girl is too much for them. So instead of looking for one roommate, I'd be looking for 3. We have only been dating for two and a half months. Though things are going great, its only been two months. Nothing messes up a relationship like moving in together. Especially moving in too soon. If it comes time to breaking up, kicking her out is gonna be difficult, especially if I decide to walk from the relationship. Then there are legal issues, since I am still legally married, though separated for 17 months, I don't know how living common law in Canada would work. I sure as hell do not want my gf becoming a liability, or having any rights whatsoever to my house. I've almost lost my house to an ex once, its not going to happen again. So what it all comes down to is that my roommates potential disapproval is the largest obstacle to her moving in. The second is potential liabilities. The third is our rather short history together. The upsides are great though, she easy to get along with, and from having her hanging around the past month I know I could very easily live with her. She cleans up after herself and her kid and keeps a neat house. She's got the same lifestyle as me, parent mode during the week, and when the kids go away on the weekend to the ex's its party time... so we wouldn't have to worry about one person wanting to sleep at 3am on a Friday night while the other has people over. If sh!t hit the fan she could always just move out, easier said than done of course, but we aren't buying a house together or even getting a year long apartment lease together. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 i see a trainwreck here Link to comment
Aday5578 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Good Lord your poor story is all over the place..I wouldnt let her move in...it has only been 2 months....I agree with midnight...trainwreck central....take your time!!! Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 I see this is a bad, bad idea. You have been together two months and are still in the honeymoon phase, living together is NOTHING like sleeping over every night. It is also completely irresponsible in my opinion to put the children in that situation. And...the problems that are there now - clinginess - are going to be worse....I see the fact she is that clingy very alarming in itself.....and the lack of being very respectful of the roommates....ugh..I just see that this is going to have a lot of problems in the future...and moving in together NOW is going to make it harder in the long run. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 As for common-law in Canada - if you register with Vital Statistics as common-law, rights are equal to marriage immediately....or after three years it defaults (but division of property still backdates back to time first lived together). Link to comment
lazer Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 i think the cons outweigh the pros. Link to comment
yellow_sweater Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 No. Just, no. I'm not even sure where to begin on this one. Too soon, too many issues, too complicated, did I mention too soon? She's got kids and you've got kids and they need STABILITY, you've got roommates and a lease and holy smokes--I just don't see any benefit to you two shacking up. I'm sure if you stick it out and get to know her better and date her for a while the puzzle pieces will fall into place however is best for the two of you... but I definitely think that cohabitation is not right in this situation. Good luck! YS Link to comment
northwoods Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 I have to agree with the above posters... her moving in isn't a great idea. But it doesn't have to break your relationship. Your reasons for her not moving in are legit. I wouldn't run my relationship based on the opinions of other people, but it sounds like its a little too soon and you have several responsiblities that you need to balance along with helping grow your relationship. Communication is key. Let her know that you're comfortable with how the relationship has progressed but that you're not ready for this step just yet. Don't blame the roommates, just let her know you're not quite ready for this step but that you want to keep seeing where this relationship could go. Link to comment
m12988 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 yeah, i personally think its moving too fast. 2 months is not near enough time with someone, heck, when i was 2 months into a relationship i knew almost nothing about my fiance. You two need to get to know each other more, and her being clingy as she is, moving in will make it worse. I think you both need to be together more before moving in together. She needs to suck it up and keep her apartment and if she dont like her apartment she can find another apartment. That way, you can keep your roommates and your space. As parents you both should be spending some quality alone time with your kids without the girlfriend...you need that special parent bonding time in their young ages. You can't do that if she is always there being clingy to you. Link to comment
m12988 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 I have to agree with the above posters... her moving in isn't a great idea. But it doesn't have to break your relationship. Your reasons for her not moving in are legit. I wouldn't run my relationship based on the opinions of other people, but it sounds like its a little too soon and you have several responsiblities that you need to balance along with helping grow your relationship. Communication is key. Let her know that you're comfortable with how the relationship has progressed but that you're not ready for this step just yet. Don't blame the roommates, just let her know you're not quite ready for this step but that you want to keep seeing where this relationship could go. well said, i agree. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 i agree - another vote for trainwreck!!!! there are so many problems here. and having her move in would be traumatic for the kids if things don't work out, and there is a big probablility for that. i know that this is a lesser concern for you, but it is a situation that your roommates are unhappy with. they signed up to live with 1 young child, not 2 and a clingy, unsocial gf. yes, it is your house, but i don't think it's fair to them to have suddenly changed your living situation, i wouldn't blame them if they all moved out. in short, i'd say that the relationship is too young to move in together, especially since her clinginess is a big red flag. i'd not move in with for at least a year, see if the relationship stands the test of time, then maybe she can move in. i don't think it is healthy for her to spend so much time at your place, this child is starting to see you as a father figure, and it will upset her greatly if she loses yet another father. Link to comment
arwen Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 She always over anyway, has half her clothes here, and has been basically living here since mid December anyway, why not just move in?? Generally, if you have doubts about a BIG decision like this, I'd say you are not ready for this type of commitment. No surprise after 2 months of being with someone, right? See, I don't think that the step of moving in together should merely be a practical decision. Living together is a VERY big step in a relationship, and I think it's a step that people take based on a mutual feeling that they want a future together- which in turn is based on the foundation of their relationship. Now there are people who are sure after two months, but I think it's very rare and your message sure sounds like she is much more into the whole idea of living together than you are. After two months, you are all in love and stuff and sleeping and being in the same place are romantic things- but sharing a household and not having your own place is really different. If you feel your gf is being clingy, you can be sure that that will certainly not improve if you live together, if anything, it will probably get worse. In addition, living together in a place with other people is really a bad idea. You will have roommates AND a gf in one household- what on earth happens if you split up after all? Two months is not the time in which you can build a solid relationship- basically you are at the point were anything is still possible. Link to comment
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