BetterBlade Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 This is mainly for the guys. I have been seeing a guy for a month. We had a misunderstanding in which I thought we were heading to be gf-bf. Last night he told me while he is dating no one except me, he considers himself single and wants to take things slow and he said I had been acting a little clingy. We talked it over and he said he could see how some of his actions inadvertantly might have led me to think we were more serious than we are. He apologized for it but said that he is not looking to commit "any time soon," that he is enjoying getting to know me and that he is someone who needs to go slowly when startign something new. So he asked if knowing all this and clearing up the misunderstandings, if we could start fresh. I agreed, but am afraid of doing something stupid again. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 date other people while he decides what he wants Link to comment
BetterBlade Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 date other people while he decides what he wants Hi Midnightrambler. I see in your information that you are male. Can you say why you advice this? I ask because every female friend told me the same thing, to reactivate my profile on match, the only person who said it was a terrible idea is my only male close friend and he said that it would be a disaster and any guy would say the same. So I am surprised that you are saying different, though of course, not everyone thinks like my male friend! Link to comment
adahy Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 First, I don't think you did anything "stupid". Entering into a relationship, it's okay to move slow....but after a period of time (that's up to you) he eventually needs to {Mod Edit}or get off the pot. A month is long enough for you to act as you did. Nothing wrong with being a little clingy....as a man, it makes me feel good actually. It feels good to be wanted. Women can go overboard sometimes (as can men), so just be conscious of it. Most importantly though, be who you are...if you're constantly worried that something you say or do will upset him, you'll drive yourself crazy. Also, don't let yourself be used. If he doesn't show some sign of commitment in the next few month, I'd get rid of him. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Hi Midnightrambler. I see in your information that you are male. Can you say why you advice this? I ask because every female friend told me the same thing, to reactivate my profile on match, the only person who said it was a terrible idea is my only male close friend and he said that it would be a disaster and any guy would say the same. So I am surprised that you are saying different, though of course, not everyone thinks like my male friend! because i see "taking it slow" as code for i am not sure about you, keeping my options open. If i meet someone i like I let them know. Link to comment
BetterBlade Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 First, I don't think you did anything "stupid". Entering into a relationship, it's okay to move slow....but after a period of time (that's up to you) he eventually needs to {Mod Edit}or get off the pot. A month is long enough for you to act as you did. Nothing wrong with being a little clingy....as a man, it makes me feel good actually. It feels good to be wanted. Women can go overboard sometimes (as can men), so just be conscious of it. Most importantly though, be who you are...if you're constantly worried that something you say or do will upset him, you'll drive yourself crazy. Also, don't let yourself be used. If he doesn't show some sign of commitment in the next few month, I'd get rid of him. Hi, Ahady. Thank you for your response. Yes, I am not going to wait in perpetuity. I like him, which he knows. He had a bad breakup - ex-fiance cheated on him, he forgave her, she then cheated again and dumped him. He is my age and they had been together since age 18. Aside from some dates, he's not really taken steps toward a "relationship" since she dumped him a year and a half ago. He said I sort of scared him when I asked why he didn't call and he said he wanted to watch a college basketball game and then go to bed. He said that he didn't want to feel like he was obligated to call every night if he didn't feel up to it a particular night. He said he understood why I expected him to call because up to that point he had called every night but that night he wanted to just relax on his own and he'd hoped I understood. He said he likes me but because of his past he's not going to be rushing into anything and he said he would understand if I didn't agree with that but he hoped I would give him a chance. But that I had to understand that while he is not dating any other girls but me, he does not consider us a "couple" yet. Link to comment
BetterBlade Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 because i see "taking it slow" as code for i am not sure about you, keeping my options open. If i meet someone i like I let them know. Thank you Midnightrambler. He has told me this before hand. He had a nasty breakup with a woman he was going to marry. He is not sure about a relationship with me but likes me and wants to get to know me better, he says. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Thank you Midnightrambler. He has told me this before hand. He had a nasty breakup with a woman he was going to marry. He is not sure about a relationship with me but likes me and wants to get to know me better, he says. standard answer...we pass those leaflets at the meetings Link to comment
adahy Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Hi Midnightrambler. I see in your information that you are male. Can you say why you advice this? I ask because every female friend told me the same thing, to reactivate my profile on match, the only person who said it was a terrible idea is my only male close friend and he said that it would be a disaster and any guy would say the same. So I am surprised that you are saying different, though of course, not everyone thinks like my male friend! Because it makes you desirable. Some men like to 'hold the cards' (like him) and don't like it when other guys come around...or start to loose control of one of their girls. Games can be risky, but don't let him hold all the cards. That's not fair. Remember, you are a desirable girl - and if he's not willing to call you his girlfriend (or commit in some way), then you shouldn't be giving him all the control. Further, don't call him for a day or two...let him call you. He should be honored that you care for him...and if not, the sooner it's over the better. Link to comment
BetterBlade Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 Because it makes you desirable. Some men like to 'hold the cards' (like him) and don't like it when other guys come around...or start to loose control of one of their girls. Games can be risky, but don't let him hold all the cards. That's not fair. Remember, you are a desirable girl - and if he's not willing to call you his girlfriend (or commit in some way), then you shouldn't be giving him all the control. Further, don't call him for a day or two...let him call you. He should be honored that you care for him...and if not, the sooner it's over the better. Thank you Ahady and Midnightrambler. My girl friends advice the same about calling. If he does call, should I not accept his call? They say to let it go to the voice mail so he will think I am busy. Also they suggest I tell him I am "busy" and cancel our date for Saturday. Is that advisable? He used to text message me a lot and stopped after a week. Today he texted me for an hour, cute flirty things. I did not bring up the conversation yesterday. Should I have? Link to comment
adahy Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Thank you Ahady and Midnightrambler. My girl friends advice the same about calling. If he does call, should I not accept his call? They say to let it go to the voice mail so he will think I am busy. Also they suggest I tell him I am "busy" and cancel our date for Saturday. Is that advisable? He used to text message me a lot and stopped after a week. Today he texted me for an hour, cute flirty things. I did not bring up the conversation yesterday. Should I have? No, I wouldn't bring it up. Sending you cute flirty things was his way of making up for yesterday...it's also a form of control...keeping your interest w/ out having to call you a GF. I'm a firm believer in no games. When I say don't let him hold all the cards, I don't really mean to play games. For example, I wouldn't pretend to be busy....I would actually "be busy". If you really like him, you don't want to push him away...you want him to come to you. There's a fine line sometimes. When I say don't call, I don't mean pretend not to be home. He accused you of being clingy, so don't be clingy. See how he likes that...see how he responds. Sometimes we men don't really know what we want...and need a little nudge to "realize" things. But, if you like him, don't be too mean or punishing. So, I wouldn't cancel the date. I'd just change up a few things and keep it subtle. Also, from my personal experience, when I tell a girl I'm 'kinda' dating that I'm not dating anyone else....it's TRUE. However, what I'm really saying under the surface is, "I don't want her to date other people". Food for thought. Good luck. Link to comment
PixelPusher Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Why does everyone think he is playing games? I think it is perfectly understandable, and awesome, that he expressed why he felt too rushed. Coming out of a nasty breakup that involved infidelity does amazing amounts of damage. He might just be taking it easy to get his emotions in check. My advice to you is NOT play games. Don't do this "if he calls, should I not answer to pretend I"m busy" BS. If he calls and you want to talk to him, pick up! Go out and have fun with him... just try not to slam down any labels on the relationship. Continue discussing his feelings and stress to him to have him keep you in the loop on his feelings for you, because you are not a mind reader. Link to comment
adahy Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Coming out of a nasty breakup that involved infidelity does amazing amounts of damage. This is very true. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 because i see "taking it slow" as code for i am not sure about you, keeping my options open. If i meet someone i like I let them know. i agree 100%. he is not sure about you. if he were, he'd be begging you to take down your match profile. i would let him be the one to ask you out now and make plans, and i think you should reactivate your match profile. seeing as how he is still single, that makes you single too. ps - i wouldn't wait around for him either. sounds like his ex did a number on him, and he needs to be single for a while. if you just want to casually hang out with him from time to time, then fine. but if you are looking for a serious relationship, you should probably look somewhere else. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Hi Midnightrambler. I see in your information that you are male. Can you say why you advice this? I ask because every female friend told me the same thing, to reactivate my profile on match, the only person who said it was a terrible idea is my only male close friend and he said that it would be a disaster and any guy would say the same. So I am surprised that you are saying different, though of course, not everyone thinks like my male friend! well, he is potentially doing it. why not you? don't get stuck and focus on this one guy. this is why you seem clingy. Link to comment
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