my fiance doesn't do anything nice anymore!

[mariemck]

I have been with my fiance for 1.5 years.. when we first met he used to surprise me often with flowers, teddy bears, or anything small even a small gesture that was sweet and showed he cared.

Now he never does ANYTHING..... I can't even remember the last time I got flowers..

 

He does treat me great, but he never does anything like he used to back when we first met. I know it will fade the longer you're together... but at this rate it will completely DIE before we even get married.

 

I feel terrible because I know my fiance loves me, he is just completely clueless on how to treat a woman. He has mostly been a bachelor his whole life... never did the long-term thing, except one relationship of 5 years.

 

Is there anything I can say to him to make him realize this is important part of keeping the spark alive?

[Clementine orange]

Now he never does ANYTHING..... I can't even remember the last time I got flowers..

 

 

 

Do you do anything for him?

[SapphireNoir10]

I find the more your with someone the less they feel they need to do these things. They think they've guaranteed your love and that you know how they feel without romantic gestures. You just need to tell him that you miss the romance and the gifts. Im sure he'll do it for you.

[juicey]

If he treats you great, how is that not treating a woman right?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Ah yes.... isn't NEW love grand!

 

'Romance' isn't natural with a lot of guys... they figure out that girls like things like flowers, teddy bears etc. and do it a lot in the beginning to 'win' you. once you've been won, they go 'whew, i can go catch a game on TV now...'

 

So it is not unusual at all to have this happen, and if romance is important to you i'd definitely make it loud and clear and tell him what you want and need. don't do it when you're angry, but sit him down and tell him how much you loved X, Y, and Z that he used to do and it made you feel important and loved and you need him to try to do more of it!

 

He does KNOW how to do it because he's done it before, but he needs to understand that those romantic gestures have a permanent positive effect on you and shouldn't stop just because he's 'won' you. some guys don't get how important it is to you becuase they are 'goal' focused and in their minds the goal has been met. women can be more 'process' focused and like the process of romance, all the time.

 

Fill him in on this, and be very specific, and most men who love their women will step up to the job... doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just that romantic gestures don't mean much to a lot of guys...

[mariemck]

I do little things all the time.. Like on my way home I'll text him and say I got a surprise for him.. and it will just be something small like his favourite chocolate bar.. or I bring him home his fav coffee when I come home from work.. Just little dumb things.

And for special occasions or something, I always do something nice.. Like his birthday I planned a weekend away booked the hotel and planned the night got tickets to a comedy show took him for dinner at his fav place, etc.

 

When it comes to me, he asked "what do you want to do"... never surprises me.

Even gifts for xmas or bday "well what do you want? do u need anything"..

 

There is never any thought behind anything.

[mariemck]

If he treats you great, how is that not treating a woman right?

 

I mean, he doesn't treat me badly.. like he always tells me he loves me, and spends lots of time with me. But that's about it.

[m12988]

Well, if he did give you teddy bears, showing affection at first, then why can't he continue to do that now? I mean, once in a long time it's great to receive things from your spouse. But are you giving things to him (like the above poster said)? Are you suprising him with things he likes every now and then? Maybe once he sees you give him something, it may kind of remind him to do something nice for you in return.

[juicey]

I mean, he doesn't treat me badly.. like he always tells me he loves me, and spends lots of time with me. But that's about it.

 

If it is important to you to receive things and surprises, then you are going to have to sit down and tell him.

 

The honeymoon phase is officially over!

 

It still sounds like he is a very caring person though.

[Snoopy24]

That is how a lot of guys are.

 

It doesn't mean he loves you any less.

 

I think a lot of guys get flowers and buy little presents in the beginning to win them over.

 

He has already won you over. So he probably doesn't think it's necessary to do those little things all of the time anymore. He might not even realize it.

 

Umm, I wouldn't come right out and say it. Maybe give subtle hints, when you see flowers and admire them. Maybe he'll get them for you.

 

You say he loves you and treats you great. Even though small gestures are always nice, I think the way he feels and acts towards you is far more important.

[m12988]

I do little things all the time.. Like on my way home I'll text him and say I got a surprise for him.. and it will just be something small like his favourite chocolate bar.. or I bring him home his fav coffee when I come home from work.. Just little dumb things.

And for special occasions or something, I always do something nice.. Like his birthday I planned a weekend away booked the hotel and planned the night got tickets to a comedy show took him for dinner at his fav place, etc.

 

When it comes to me, he asked "what do you want to do"... never surprises me.

Even gifts for xmas or bday "well what do you want? do u need anything"..

 

There is never any thought behind anything.

 

Oh i see. Thats very nice of you though, those little thoughtful things can make people very happy, and its well worth it to do those things. Have you tried talking with him about it? Maybe say "You remember what i did for your last birthday? How come you never do things like that for me?" Basically things like "i would like to be more surprised, because when you do sweet things like send me flowers or just anything that shows me you think of me, it makes me very very happy"

[m12988]

Yeah, like the other posters said about the honeymoon phase and stuff, that is true, sounds like he just wanted to make sure he won you over at first. But these little gifts and surprises are still important to add some spark throughout any relationship, whether the last 2 months or 50 years. They dont have to be $1000 earrings, just something very thoughtful.

[colors]

I do little things all the time.. Like on my way home I'll text him and say I got a surprise for him.. and it will just be something small like his favourite chocolate bar.. or I bring him home his fav coffee when I come home from work.. Just little dumb things.

And for special occasions or something, I always do something nice.. Like his birthday I planned a weekend away booked the hotel and planned the night got tickets to a comedy show took him for dinner at his fav place, etc.

 

When it comes to me, he asked "what do you want to do"... never surprises me.

Even gifts for xmas or bday "well what do you want? do u need anything"..

 

There is never any thought behind anything.

 

Sounds like me & my husband. lol We've been together for 3 years. the last time I got flowers was before we got engaged. I miss those little things here & there.But I've noticed now he shows his love in other ways. Not the same kind of romance like at the beginning, but now in things he does for me around the house, or when he wakes up with my son & lets me sleep in. He does thoughtful things, not the same as he used to they are different, but just as sweet.

 

when I begin to miss the flowers & stuffed animals & gifts. I remind myself that we have now is far more valueable, we have Love, respect, connection, we enjoy eachothers company, we cherish eachother. The relationship got deeper, sure Gifts are nice, but it's not necessary, it's not what makes or breaks a relationship. And as long as he's treating you good, using his words & time with you to show his love rather than his money & gifts I think it's wonderful. Keep your eyes on what truly matters & what a marriage is built on.

[mariemck]

I agree the other things are far more important... but I think the small things matter ALOT.. because it keeps the spark alive, and shows that you care instead of getting bored of each other.

 

I'm 25.. I'm young and I hate seeing all my friends getting showered with gifts and nice things... I don't want to give up my relationship because I miss being treated the way women do during the courtship phase... I love that feelings when a guy first realizes he loves you and does everything to win you over.

I know of many married couples that STILL do those things for eachother!

 

My fiance is not one of those people and it saddens me..

[JadedStar]

Oh i see. Thats very nice of you though, those little thoughtful things can make people very happy, and its well worth it to do those things. Have you tried talking with him about it? Maybe say "You remember what i did for your last birthday? How come you never do things like that for me?" Basically things like

 

I would not put it like that. If she says this she will likely get a very defensive reaction. Trying to get him to do more by knocking him in comparison wouldn't be a good idea.

 

OP just remind him that he used to do those things in the past and just say how much you miss that. That is all you need to do to remind him. If you say that and he still doesn't do it then you know that those little things in the beginning were done as he was wooing you and not his true character.

 

And if he doesn't do it anymore as that was not really his true character, what is so wrong with that? We all do things a bit more feverishly in the beginning. IF he is still a great b/f then make sure you can see the forest for the trees.

 

I know some guys who buy their g/f's flowers all the time and complimentary to the point its gushy and to the onlooker it appears things are great but behind closed doors he is not doing all he should for the relationship. Be more concerned with the way you are treated and the quality of the relationship vs these little giftsie and cutesie things. And never compare your guy to your friends guys. Maybe she is getting all of those flowers because he feels guilty about something. Ya never know. Best to not worry about anyone else.

[colors]

I agree the other things are far more important... but I think the small things matter ALOT.. because it keeps the spark alive, and shows that you care instead of getting bored of each other.

 

I'm 25.. I'm young and I hate seeing all my friends getting showered with gifts and nice things... I don't want to give up my relationship because I miss being treated the way women do during the courtship phase... I love that feelings when a guy first realizes he loves you and does everything to win you over.

I know of many married couples that STILL do those things for eachother!

 

My fiance is not one of those people and it saddens me..

 

is it that he doesn't do them at all? nothing sweet or thoughtful for you?

or has the way he shows his love change & he does other thoughtful things?

 

I dont' get flowers & gifts anymore I do miss that. BUT he starts my car for me, shovels the side walk before I head to work (I leave before him) & my son wakes up at 7 am every morning, during the week it's good cause him & I head off to work. During the weekend my husband wakes up with him, feeds him plays with him & lets me sleep in tell 11 if I feel like it. I value those little things. and it makes me cherish him. Cause if one day he was gone it wouldn't be the gifts i miss it would be the way he treated me I missed & those little things he did for me.

 

Poster- I know you don't get gifts anymore. first thing I'd try would be mentioning it to him, letting him know you miss it. I'm guessing you have done so, but maybe do it again, hopefully he'll pick up on it. But if nothing changes, than you have to decied how important it is to you. And start looking at other things he does for you, has he changed the way he shows his love? look at what you would miss about him. And what's most important to you.

Also today, go buy yourself a flower. Come home & put it on the table. You deserve it! treat yourself (mariemck do this too). When he asks where you got it, tell him. If you aren't going to buy me a gift I will buy myself one, because I'm special & I like to feel it!

(be happy about it, not mad, cause you don't need anyone but you to make you feel valueable & beautiful & you need a man to buy you gifts, you can buy yourself them (: he he he)

[greensleeves]

You could have it as bad as my former sister-in-law. First her husband forgot her birthday, then on Valentine's Day gave her a card, unsigned, not in the envelope, still in the bag from the drugstore.

 

(JadedStar-love your new avatar-lmao)

[colors]

You could have it as bad as my former sister-in-law. First her husband forgot her birthday, then on Valentine's Day gave her a card, unsigned, not in the envelope, still in the bag from the drugstore.

 

(JadedStar-love your new avatar-lmao)

 

Ouch. Poor girl. I'd be so sad. That's the furthest thing from a thoughtful caring husband ):

[cc2006]

Well, OP, I feel for you. I'm one of those guys that does nice things once in a great while .. but probably more during the beginning of the relationship .. and yeah, it drops off to an extent. I dunno' why it does, either, it just stops happening ... it isn't like I think "ha ha, I don't need to buy her flowers anymore" ... it just doesn't cross my mind as often. I guess once I get "comfortable" in the relationship I subconsciously relax and stop spazzing and trying so hard.

 

I'm pretty sure this is a HUGELY common thing though.

 

And if he doesn't do it anymore as that was not really his true character, what is so wrong with that? We all do things a bit more feverishly in the beginning. IF he is still a great b/f then make sure you can see the forest for the trees.

 

I tried to explain that to my ex. Well .. she is my ex now, she couldn't handle that.

 

 

... also I'm reminded of a couple I knew a few years back. He was always showing up with gifts for her, showering her with flowers ... she'd come out and show us the new earrings he bought her .. etc.

 

.. thing is, behind closed doors, he was cheating on her and if he drank too much he'd get physically violent and push her around. We only saw the super-nice guy that all the other women were fawning over because he is "such an awesome and romantic guy" ... who were shocked to find out later how much of a piece of slime the guy was. Some of them refused to believe it even.

[mariemck]

I do realize it stops... and I also myself thought of the men that buy their women expensive jewellery and flowers all the time are more than likely cheating and doing other things and thus trying to make up for the guilt... I have been in another long-term relationship and he stopped doing those things all the time as well...

However, I do think once in a blue moon a man SHOULD continue to do sweet things... just once in awhile as a nice treat... It makes women feel appreciated and brings back those feelings we had at the beginning.

 

This is WHY alot of women cheat or stray because there is always some new guy in line waiting to show a woman attention and do these things.. It's only when their husbands/boyfriends stop all together, that a new guy brings back feelings we haven't had in a LONG time.

 

And as a man, would you be ok with your wife/girlfriend stop doing all the important things that you enjoyed in the beginning???

I'm not sure to a man what's high on the priority list... but lets say your gf was a raging sex-o-holic and loved giving BJ's to you on a daily basis... is it fair that she does this at the beginning but once you get "comfortable" it stops completely....???

 

I just don't have this attitude... I'm the type of woman that doesn't change very much from day 1 as far as effort goes.

[cc2006]

And as a man, would you be ok with your wife/girlfriend stop doing all the important things that you enjoyed in the beginning???

I'm not sure to a man what's high on the priority list... but lets say your gf was a raging sex-o-holic and loved giving BJ's to you on a daily basis... is it fair that she does this at the beginning but once you get "comfortable" it stops completely....???

 

Uuuhm .. this does happen ... it is, as the problem discussed in this thread, mostly just "the way it is".

 

I get comments from my married guy-friends all the time telling me how lucky I am that I am single because once you get serious and a woman "gets comfortable" she stops trying just like the guys do. They don't get the 'BJ's' anymore ... or the sexy outfits ... or the random noontime quickies. They keep begging me to get out and date ... and come back with good stories ... so they can live sexually-vicariously through me ... because their wives are "comfortable" and thereforeeee stopped trying.

 

I think it is human nature.

 

 

 

 

I also don't think it is a good excuse (or any excuse is a good excuse, really) for women to 'cheat' because their guy stopped giving them flowers every other month.

 

Those women will cheat ... then the new guy that they cheated with will "drop off" and stop trying too. Then what are they left with?

[mariemck]

OH... well I guess my fiance is lucky to have me then!! Cause I give him BJ's on the regular LOL.......... Our sex life has not changed at all.. only instead of daily, it's every other day... but that just makes it more intense when we do.

 

I dunno, maybe it's cause I'm 25.. I haven't stopped doing anything I did when we first met.. I still wear the sexy stuff, sex toys, new kinky stuff.. and NO I'm not a sex addict.. I'm 100% faithful.. I just enjoy making a relationship fun, and I love the "newness" of relationships so I try and make it last... maybe i'll be saying something different once we're married and I'm in my 30;s.... but right now I dont see it stopping.

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I agree the other things are far more important... but I think the small things matter ALOT.. because it keeps the spark alive, and shows that you care instead of getting bored of each other.

 

I'm 25.. I'm young and I hate seeing all my friends getting showered with gifts and nice things... I don't want to give up my relationship because I miss being treated the way women do during the courtship phase... I love that feelings when a guy first realizes he loves you and does everything to win you over.

I know of many married couples that STILL do those things for eachother!

 

My fiance is not one of those people and it saddens me..

 

Firstly, I don't think you should be "questioning" your relationship with your fiance, based on how your "friends" boyfriends/husbands or whatever are treating them. You should never compare your relationship to someone else's, that'll push you even further from him.

 

There is probably not ONE single relationship out there that is the same. Everyone comes from a different background, everyone has his/her own way of doing things, and what might be OK for you, could be a miracle to someone else.

 

For example, you said you get to spend a lot of time with your SO. Well, I go to school full-time, work full-time, and study when I'm not busy, so I hardly get to spend time with my SO. When I do, it's amazing, because we can actually sit down and have a real conversation. However, you on the other hand, don't seem like you put much emphasis on time, instead, you're more concerned about what he buys you.

 

Ask yourself this "are you being materialistic?" Some people on here would agree that you are, but others might feel the same way. It doesn't matter what they think or what your friends think. You are not out to impress anybody. If you are happy and content with your boyfriend, then don't let what other people do in their relationships have any affect on your own.

 

You need to stop trying to live up to everyone else's standard of a relationship, and create your own unique relationship, because like I said. No one has the same type of relationship. NO one.

 

I also wanted to mention that if you're going to do something for someone else, don't do it and expect them to give you something back. That's very wrong. If you don't want to do something for someone, then DON'T! But, if you do, then don't throw it in his/her face, when they do something wrong or don't return the favor. Gifts are NOT favors, they come from the heart.

 

I personally don't care about materialistic items. I would rather go out to eat with my SO and spend time with him, rather than him bringing home a box of chocolates that will sit in the fridge anyway or a teddy bear that I would eventually donate to the goodwill.

[Kiwi_Sweet]

I know some guys who buy their g/f's flowers all the time and complimentary to the point its gushy and to the onlooker it appears things are great but behind closed doors he is not doing all he should for the relationship. Be more concerned with the way you are treated and the quality of the relationship vs these little giftsie and cutesie things. And never compare your guy to your friends guys. Maybe she is getting all of those flowers because he feels guilty about something. Ya never know. Best to not worry about anyone else.

I agree with Jaded on this one. Just because he's not showing his love through "material" items, doesn't mean that he doesn't love her. To the OP..You should be happy, he doesn't feel obligated to go out and spend money on dumb little items. Instead, he maybe you should tell him to save for your future. Maybe put some money away for a new house in a few years. Don't you think you would benefit from that instead of candy or a flower that lives only 10 days?

[TropicalParadise]

I've been with my BF for 2.5 years, and he's never given me flowers - but he still won me over. He's just a very practical person, and would rather spend money buying me jewlery for special occasions (hey, I don't mind) - And like your fiance, he always asks what I want for birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc. He is not very spontaneous. Many women would read this and think I don't have a romantic man, but you know what? Not ONCE has he ever made me cry. And everyday, he shows me in different ways how he loves me. I think that men just show their love differently, whether they're buying flowers or not.

 

Like the others have said, some men don't feel the need to buy little gifts, and surprise their SO anymore once the honeymoon stage is over. I would just talk to him about it and tell him you're feeling unappreciated , and you would like for him to do some of the things he used to do. But to me, it sounds like you already have a great man.