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Clueless about my own heart


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It has been a little while since I've posted, so ... hi


I've managed to work myself into such a state of confusion lately that I wasn't even sure what category to put this thread under haha...


I've posted before about my relationship with my boyfriend... basically, it came a few months after a very serious breakup for me and I'm afraid I was just a bit emotionally numb and he was very emotionally stable, so I held on to him easily and he took very good care of me. We became fast friends and best friends.


But now... lately I feel nothing but confusion. Some days I feel content and secure with him. Like we make good partners... an old married couple. But then I panic and realize that I'm a passionate person and I know I don't feel an overwhelming love and 'spark' for him. I feel an attraction... but it is calm, not passionate.


To make matters more confusing, a friend has recently made me aware that such feelings do still exist within me after what I went through with that original horrible breakup.


So I find myself... 10 months into a relationship with a man who does everything right, with no reason in the world to break up with him, who loves me more than anything, who is my best friend, who I honestly do miss when he isn't around... but who I just don't feel passion for. Instead... I can easily see/feel passion building for someone else, and I know that is not a good thing. I'd like to say I'm not the cheating type, but I'm sure 90% of cheaters would have said that at one point. Nobody likes to feel trapped and confused and miserable.


So... I know the obvious answer here must be to get out of the situation... or change the situation... but how? A month ago I felt like I didn't have the heart to break up with him, so I took some space from him... and I did miss him... and was so happy to see him again when I did... yet... I know that I still don't love him like I should.


In other areas of my life, this just isn't like me... I'm logical, knowledgable, able to make decisions... yet I'm a confused mess about this. I've never faced breaking up with someone who I truly couldn't say even one tiny bad thing about.


Has anyone been in a similar spot? Does anyone have any insights?

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Hey Nixee,

A question to ask yourself....was there a spark in the beginning of the relationship? Can you look back at the early stages and remember the WOW/intensity/passion that you had with him? Or did you NEVER have that?


I heard somewhere once that having that passion in the beginning is what matters. It levels off once the relationship becomes "real", but couples who can remember why they fell for their partners are the ones who are more likely to keep a relationship going.


I had one relationship where I never had that spark in the beginning, and, sure enough, it never came.


Just think about that - do the memories of the first couple months make you weak in the knees and send your heart fluttering?

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L4L, you have a good point and a valid one... and the truth is, though I felt other things for him in the beginning and all along... no, that 'spark' has never been quite there, at least not as I've known it in the past, and not like I feel it should be.


I've felt comfort and friendship, and I've felt the hope that it would build to more... but I've never quite felt ..I dunno.. "IT" I guess


I think what confuses me is that we are just so right on paper. And we really do get along so well... we can talk easy, we laugh easy.. fall into conversation....enjoy similar things... but when it comes to passion, I just don't feel "lit up" about him and it is killing me.


But to answer your question... no... the memories of us first together don't make me weak in the knees

They make my heart warm... but my heart doesn't flutter...

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This man is showing you the calm steady flame of love, and you are thinking of blowing it out for the spark of passion. As I am sure you know, the spark of passion may catch and become the steady flame or it may not.


One may remain passionate about sparking, being overwhelmed, or be passionate about being steady. Being passionate about being steady is not being set alight, being overwhelmed, being overly or emotionally excited; it is more an appreciation, an appreciation of love, rather than an overwhelm of love.


As seen here, this is one of the steps on the road to maturity; one does not have to go through the throws of passion with someone to be in love; one may merely appreciate it.


With best wishes,

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I feel very low right now..


I just had the talk with him, and we split up. Talo, you make the same point that he tried to make to me himself. He said that he doesn't love "that way". He says that he thinks sparks and passion burn out and he loves what we have had... I don't know though... I just don't know... something didn't and hasn't felt right to me... I've just been confused for a long time...


But I know I couldn't feel worse right now. He admitted to me that he had already decided to use his tax refund money to buy an engagement ring for me.... and just four days after he found out his refund amount, I went and did this to him... I feel ready to curl up and die right now


I'm not sure that I made the right choice.... I'm really not. But I also wasn't happy where I was.


I sincerely wish I could love the way you describe talo. I like to believe that I could... that maybe our timing has just been off due to my own past, and maybe I just need some room... but I don't know right now.


Thank you for your words though...

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thank you redrose... I'm hanging in there. I feel heartbroken for him though, and still confused for myself. I think I did what I had to do, at least for now, but it is killing me to know how much I hurt him.


I've been in brief contact with him today just to say hi. I'm afraid that talking to him too much will lead him on, yet I do miss him.


I make a horrible dumper I'm afraid

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Nixee, I had a similar situation a few years ago and I do believe it's all in the timing. I'm still in touch with that ex that I broke up with and he's happily with someone else. Still, I saw him a couple months ago and I saw him differently now after my more recent break-up. I've changed, he's changed and a part of me wonders if things would have worked out if we'd gotten together now.


In the meantime, you did what's best for both of you - you can't force your feelings.

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In September of last year my relationship of 4 yrs crumbled before me - Now, I find myself in a relationship with someone that I don't feel that "spark" for (Its only been a month). From past relationships I am second guessing this one. In the past I WANTED to spend as much time with my significant other (right from the very beginning).
So you are not so needy now. This is a good sign isn't it?


I giggled when I was around them, felt butterflies, and nervousness when I was around them. - but now, I am content with the little amount of time we do spend together and I don't have any of those feelings.
You mean you have changed from being 'schoolgirlish' to 'more mature'?


My emotions are up and down. Some days I am completely comfortable with the way things are and hope (just as you) that things will grow. Others, I am emotionless and wishing I was not in an exclusive relationship.
Emotions may go up and down, but feelings do not; when you are comfortable, you are being feeling and are not being emotive. When you are completely comfortable what needs to grow? Discomfort? Mature love does not grow, it is merely appreciated.


When you say you are emotionless, do you mean that you are not emotive, not up and down, and thus can be more feeling?


As with you he is perfect for me - has done nothing to me to deserve not having me.


I don't want to fall deeper into things and have it harder to leave in the future, but I also don't want to regret things. We have only been together a month - do I give it more time?

You do not fall deeper into mature love, you do not leave mature love, nor hence, regret it. It does not need time, only appreciation.


I dread the talk where I have to tell him I am reconsidering things.
You do not have to tell him anything, nor reconsider; merely talking to him with consideration/feeling will suffice.


All this does not necessarily mean that one either stays with someone or not; it rather means that one follows feeling rather than emotion.


With best wishes,

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When I say my emotions are up and down it’s merely this I think; my past relationship was still fresh in my mind when I began dating (not exclusive to one person, just dating). Now that I am in a relationship my emotions are up and down because I am unsure whether to end things because I simply enjoy his company (if I end it, I will lose that) and I know I am not happy with the way things are with him.


I think I had this problem as well when I began my relationship... and it was confusing.


You are very lucky that you have had the clarity.... the ability to realize early on that things may not be right. I didn't have that.


Right now I think I still feel somewhere between numb and hurt. He is not doing well at all, and I feel completely responsible for that. We have been in contact still, text or email mostly, though we spoke briefly on the phone last night. I want to be there for him.... but then I realize that I just can't... that there is no easy way to do this. I can't cure his pain and be his pain at the same time. It kills me to see him like this though.


As for my own feelings... I've been so caught up in his that they are hard to sort out. I still feel for him, though I realize that I did what I did for a reason. There are tons of reasons that I loved being with him, and I smile when I think of every single one of them, and then I cry right after. It is hard to make sense of that.


I feel like I keep reading articles online: "how to know if you are in love" "stages of intimacy" etc. etc. but the truth is, those tests all fail, because none of them ask the most basic questions about your feelings. They ask about practical stuff... and we score 100% on each one... so I start to panic thinking I just broke up with this perfect man who wanted to spend his whole life with me. But there is no test to tell you if your heart is in the right place.


So for now.... I'm spending my nights alone... with my cat... waiting for clarity to come hit me over the head.

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Hey there,


this is my first time posting anything on this website...or even on a blog (im not a blogger but desperate times call for desperate measures). I came accross this website in the hopes to find some support for the predicament that I am in...which is quite similar to yours.


It is almost a relief to hear that someone else can be feeling the things that I feel as well towards someone who is just so perfect. I will spare you the details of my story right now...and tell you how I feel about my relationship in comparison to yours.


I feel safe. I feel comfortable. I feel lucky to have what I have with him, but for some reason it's not enough and that scares me. Is that how you feel? I know that I will be taken care of, and that I will never be hurt or worry about the things that most other girls have to worry about when being in relationships...but the reason my heart is fleeting is because I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and I am only 22. I don't knowo anything else. I am scared to be on my own.


Have you always been in a relationship? Have you ever just been by yourself, and grown independently as a person without a safe crutch to fall back on? Ive been thinking that sometimes we get so caught up in love with others that we dont find time to love ourselves....and if you cant love yourself first, then you cant let anyone else love you either.


Your situation, like mine, is a catch 22. You dont know which path to take because its hard being in the relationship with a fleeting heart, but you know it will be just as hard to be out of the relationship.

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As for my own feelings... I've been so caught up in his that they are hard to sort out. I still feel for him, though I realize that I did what I did for a reason. There are tons of reasons that I loved being with him, and I smile when I think of every single one of them, and then I cry right after. It is hard to make sense of that.


But there is no test to tell you if your heart is in the right place.


So for now.... I'm spending my nights alone... with my cat... waiting for clarity to come hit me over the head.


As seen here:


The reason you are doing what you are doing is that you are/have been 'too close' to him as you cannot identify your own feeling from his. This is why you feel the need to be separate, to sort your self out, to find your own feeling, to separate it from his, to gain clarity. This is the test to see if your heart, your feeling, is in the right place.


Your heart is in the right place when you feel feeling, and can feel who is feeling it, and not get lost in that feeling. In other words you are clearly feeling, you feel the clarity, the wonder, but are not lost in it. Being lost in clarity/wonder is finding it hard to make sense of it, being emotional, being confused.


With feeling,

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I dont know for sure that it will be just as hard out of the relationship...But I know myself, and the minute I feel lost and empty is the minute I will want him back. Ultimately, I WANT to learn more things about myself that I have not yet discovered while be attached to someone else.


That quote..."If you love something set it free - if it comes back to you its yours, if it doesn't it was never meant to be"... I am a firm believer in that, and often that quote is my sanity when I think about this decision I have to make. I guess I am not sure anymore the difference between love, and being in love. It has been so long. Those heart fluttering moments and all the good stuff that comes along with being love has disipated....but Ive told myself time does that to any relationship. Bottom line....I will never know unless I do it...


I need to get over the comfort in having someone, and my fear of being alone and not being able to cope...


Thanks for the input!

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