Help make a choice

[cprmich]

Hello, I am a 36 year old male. I have been married for 14 years, 2 children both girls 11 & 7.

 

 

For the last 2 years I suspected my wife was cheating, over this 2 year period I questioned her. But she always convinced me that it was all in my head, and made me feel bad for dough ting her.

 

On sept 29, 2007 a friend called me and said that my wife was seen coming out of a local hotel with another man. I confronted her and at first she denied it. But then finally admitted to it and said it has been going on for 2 years. 52 year old guy that works by her mom’s house. We separated; she and the kids went to her moms. 2 weeks latter we were back together. But things still didn’t feel ok. So I checked her phone records and found that he was not the only one. There were 3 more, one from before we got married, one she meet at her brothers girl friends house (maintenance guy), and one from the party store close to our house (this one moved 200 miles away 4-5 months before this all came out). She was talking to all of these guys on a daily basis. 2 are married. She admitted to sleeping with all of them. I told her that I still wanted to try and work things out and she told me that the guy that moved away was one she was not sure she could let go. So she moved back to her moms. This was on oct 23, 2007. A few weeks went by and we were talking again, on November 9, 2007 we were back together, every time up to this point it was me that initiated getting back together. This time she said that I was the one she wanted to be with and she would stop talking to the others. A few days latter I checked the phone records and she was talking to the guy that moved away. I confronted her about it and she stopped. For the next 6 weeks she was withdrawn and did not want to talk at all about anything that had happened. She just acted like she didn’t care. On January 4, 2008 I told her I wanted a divorce because she just didn’t act like she wanted this to work, I told that she needed to give a little more, show me you love me and only me (she said I wanted her to kiss my ass). So she moved back to her moms. I filled for divorce the same day and cut of all communication with her, only talk to me kids. For the next few days she called and called wanting to argue with me, but I did not answer. Come Tuesday night 1-8-08, she sent me text wanting to talk, I did not respond, and then she sends me a text saying that she was sorry for everything and wanted to do whatever it would take to make things better. (I checked her phone records and she had talked or texted 3 off the other guys in these 4 days we were separated. But she said that she would change her number, etc. and wanted only me. So the next day I let her come home. I woke up the next morning not sure why I let her come back. I don’t trust her and I am not sure I still love her. But it’s the what if. The kids have had a ruff time through all of this; they don’t know why this has happened and we cant keep going back and forth like this.

 

I have a job offer 2000 miles away, a good job with a friend that moved out there 5 years ago. I am struggling with wanting to pack up and move, leaving my kids and wife behind. I am just not sure that I can ever get over this. She done this with so many people that I feel every were I go there is a reminder of it. I feel that moving is the only way I can be happy. Thinking about moving and leaving this all behind is the only thing that brings me happiness. I would still be able to talk to my kids and I would make enough money that I could come back and see them or even bring them out to visit.

 

My questions is, is it totally selfish of me to want to move?

[Lana0120]

Not totally selfish. Understandable that you would want to get some distance between yourself and this woman - what she did to you was unforgivable. Saying that though, I don't understand why anyone would willingly do something which would take them so far away from their children. It's not their fault how their mother acted and they're going to miss their dad.

[midnightrambler]

sorry about your troubles---get aa far away from the wife as possible...the kids will understand

[nikkers04]

I agree. If she can cheat more than once it wont stop. move out sorry for the pain and lies

[TheSmilingTurnip]

In a sense, yes it is selfish. Your feelings and your wants are the sole motivator for this decision. But is that because you're a bad person? NO.

 

I do agree that you should leave your wife behind. You will just never trust her again.

 

But before you move so far away, I believe you need to stop for a minute and wait. I don't want to say you're running away from your troubles, but you are hurting so badly that it would be a natural inclination. If the biggest reason for you to move so far away is to get away from your ex wife and the reminders of what she did, then it is safe to say that this move would be running away from things.

 

Those children are going to need you now more than ever, with this marriage ending. You are going to have to put them and their feelings first.

 

My feeling is that what you really need right now is to figure out a way to deal with your ex in a way that doesn't cause you even more harm.

[joeshabadoe]

Your story is a very sad one and you don't deserve to be put in this situation. No one can help you make the decision it has to come from you. I can identify with some of the things you are dealing with though. My fiance cheated on me by having an affair with her ex-boyfriend for over a month. I know exactly what you mean when she made it seem like it was all in your head because my girl did the same thing. Part of me thinks that we wanted to believe their ridiculous stories so we didnt have to deal with the harsh truth! When I look back I could not have been thinking right to believe her explainations because the truth was right in front of my face!

 

What ever you decide your the one who has to live with it and a fresh start may be what you need. I am on the fence like you about what to do... My girl has made up her mind that she wants to be with me and do whatever I need to make our relationship work and I still don't know if we will make it. I go through a different emotion every so often, this week its anger. At one point I was doing anything to prove to her how great I can be. I would take her out to dinner, light candles, break out the pinot noir and romance her. This week I am just pissed off at her for what she did to me. I have been pounding her with questions as to why she persued the affair with her ex and how she felt during the whole thing. I guess Im trying to figure out what caused the affair to happen or maybe making sure she knows what it did to me to find out. Making her cry doesnt help anything with our relationship. I know I cant keep making her feel like a horible person but I am not ready to just forgive yet.

 

You can't make up your mind unless your sure she knows what she wants. It sounds to me that you don't know if she can be with just you, so why stay? I know having the kids is definitely making your decision almost impossible, but you have stated that you can even make the visiting the kids possible. If she really wanted to be with you then she would have ended her relationships and focused on fixing her marriage.

 

The fact of the matter is it doesnt matter what anyone says or thinks about your relationship except you. You need to do what makes you feel all warm inside and right in your head. I am having trouble making it work with my girl and she has made every effort to make it work so if I am in your shoes Im taking a shot at the new job , new life and bringing the kids out whenever I can. If you really think it can work out with her then tell her what you want and jump on board the emotional roller coaster for the next couple years. But if you choose to stay with her make sure she is going to kiss your ass because she owes you that much! Good luck man!

[froggyday]

I think it would be better for you if you did move away. It's not going to get any better just doing the same things you have been doing. The kids would understand and it would be much easier for you to move on.

 

I realize it would be hard to move away from the kids, but then they wouldn't be pulled back & forth. Have you thought about trying to get custody & take them with you?

 

You are the one that has to make the decision. If you do decide to stay and try to work things out, then I'd say you must both do counselling to figure out what went wrong and get things back on track. In my situation, we are trying that, but I still don't know if all of the trust will come back. If you're like me, which it sounds like you are, you will still be watching all of the phone bills, etc. and double checking stories. So I doubt if you will ever trust her completely again, but if that's not a problem with you then it could work.

[catwalk]

I would move, and try to keep as much contact as you can with your kids so they don't think you abandoned them.

 

Moving seems like one of the only ways to break free from her...... she will continue to be with several men for a longggggg time, don't get caught in her trap again!

 

good luck and keep us updated!

[beerman]

I could never, ever move that far away from my kids. Never! Move out but stay local, make the divorce as amicable as possible for the sake of the kids. Demand joint custody (at a minimum) and try and move on.

 

I went through something very similar about a year ago except for the job thing being so far away. I am now having the time of my life. I get to be around my kids every other week and then be single on the other weeks (unless my kids need me).

 

First and foremost, be your girls father!

[cprmich]

Thank you!!!!

 

I really don't think I would make it (happy anyway), If we divorce and I stay here. My closest family is 200 miles away. In the last 6 years since my family moved, I have made her family my family. That makes staying even harder to deal with. Not only do I lose my wife but I also lose my family. I feel like if I stay I should be with her and my kids as a family. So I only have 2 choices: Stay with Her or Move away from Her.

[midnightrambler]

staying with her wouldn't be a choice for me

[beerman]

I couldn't live with either of your "choices". I strongly recommend you consider divorce and staying local for the sake of your girls. All I can tell you is that in my case it worked out for the best.

 

I also suggest that you find someone else to talk to about all of this other than an internet site like this. While everyone on here means well it might be worth it to get a professional opinion.

 

I sincerely wish you the best of luck!!!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Thank you!!!!

 

I really don't think I would make it (happy anyway), If we divorce and I stay here. My closest family is 200 miles away. In the last 6 years since my family moved, I have made her family my family. That makes staying even harder to deal with. Not only do I lose my wife but I also lose my family. I feel like if I stay I should be with her and my kids as a family. So I only have 2 choices: Stay with Her or Move away from Her.

 

I know I'm not in your shoes, but I sense that your thinking is a little limited. In one sense, this is a decision that's entirely about you, but in another sense...this decision can't just be about you and your wants and needs. Not when kids are part of the equation. They should come first. And I am definitely not advocating staying with her. That's just not something you can reasonably do.

 

One thing that always hleps me through huge decisions is remembering that I don't have to decide today. I can wait a little while.

 

Don't try and give yourself a geographic cure or rationalize something that could hurt your kids.

 

Good luck!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I would move, and try to keep as much contact as you can with your kids so they don't think you abandoned them.

 

If a parent moves that far away, there is nothing that's going to keep those kids from feeling abandoned. Phone conversations, letters, cards, gifts, these are not a substitute for a parent who is local. Who can come to the soccer games, meet the boyfriends, help with the prom, talk with the teachers, go to the parent teacher conferences, who can MATTER in the lives of these little girls.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

sorry about your troubles---get aa far away from the wife as possible...the kids will understand

 

No they won't. Why would the kids understand? That's rationalizing. The kids might understand when they're in their 20s, perhaps, but not right now. And especially not at this age. One of them is about to hit puberty if she hasn't already. They need both their parents, even if the parents don't live together.

[mrmaximum]

I know I'm not in your shoes, but I sense that your thinking is a little limited. In one sense, this is a decision that's entirely about you, but in another sense...this decision can't just be about you and your wants and needs. Not when kids are part of the equation. They should come first. And I am definitely not advocating staying with her. That's just not something you can reasonably do.

 

One thing that always hleps me through huge decisions is remembering that I don't have to decide today. I can wait a little while.

 

Don't try and give yourself a geographic cure or rationalize something that could hurt your kids.

 

Good luck!

 

Staying with her may most likely lead to her giving you a gift that may never go away or even end your life. I also agree that your kids will need something strong and constant in their lives, it may come from her, but I doubt it. You may want to start up some new hobbies (I hear martial arts is a great way to get over a break up) meet some new people and do your best to get over this. A poster on another site had said this and to me it seems like good advice. You have to stop thinking about this woman as your wife. She is only a parent now and any of your conversations should take this slant, DO NOT ALLOW HER TO COAX YOU INTO TAKING HER BACK, you have already done this once before and she has proved that reconcilliation isn't in your best interests whatsoever. Taking her back is only allowing her to continue to walk over you. That is not healthy for your children whatsoever. Have as good a relationship as you can muster with her as a PARENT, your life with her as a wife should remain as it is, over. You can get over this, it will take some time but you can and you will, just be patientm you'll get there

 

Take care and good luck

[RayKay]

Um......I think this is one marriage you need to walk away from - but stay close to your daughters! That is incredibly important for them.

 

She has been dishonest the entire length of your marriage and is hardly showing much regret. You can't trust her, and she has never even been trustworthy apparently based on her actions. What is the point - this is all about "her" at this point and little regard to you or her children.

 

I would proceed with the divorce. And stay local.

[cprmich]

Does any one think that she can stop this madness and we can make it through this? I am not sure I can let go of her. I don't understand why, I should hate her for what she has done. Maybe part of me does hate her? Maybe I am holding onto what was. Maybe I am going back into denial? But sitting here now at this minute I don't want to let go. Maybe I am just weak? Has this whole ordeal made me less of a man?

[midnightrambler]

i know a guy who stayed with his wife who was having an affair with his business associate for 10 years....he has ripped off doors, shot a hole in the wall and drinks like crazy. i guess they are making it work

[joeshabadoe]

Does any one think that she can stop this madness and we can make it through this? I am not sure I can let go of her. I don't understand why, I should hate her for what she has done. Maybe part of me does hate her? Maybe I am holding onto what was. Maybe I am going back into denial? But sitting here now at this minute I don't want to let go. Maybe I am just weak? Has this whole ordeal made me less of a man?

 

First and most important you are not any less of a man, I mean that. She is the one that is a damn mess of a woman, not you. I think you need to stand your ground here and stop letting her walk all over you. She is still talking with these guys and I know it drives you crazy but until she is willing to do what it takes to make things right, youu gotta let her go. Even if you want to stay with her you have to cut her off until she is willing to end all contact and focus on you and hell yes she needs to kiss your ass! Its not that your weak, you spent 14 years and your just too comfortable and probally scared of being alone. Its normal to feel that you don't want to let her go. Don't let her manipulate you any further! If you are really gonna try and work it out with her then make it clear that this is the final straw and you make the rules for what you need to feel better. But if you keep letting her walk all over you , then take her back she is going to keep doing it forever.

[beerman]

I am truly afraid with her history, as you described it, she will not stop with the other guys. You do not deserve that kind of treatment. What you do deserve is the ability to be happy and I don't think you can have that with her around. You can have that with your daughters around. You should focus your life on them.

 

You will be much happier in the long run!

[mrmaximum]

I hurts man, this is for sure. Don't think of yourself as weak for still loving her, it's that love that she betrayed, you love her and this is her way of loving you? I'll put it bluntly, take her back and you will unknowingly be placing a t - shirt on that was one word written in bold letters on the chest.

 

WELCOME

 

Your kids need someone strong in their lives, someone who has morals. You cannot separate your wife from the abuse that she will bring. You love her, but what about you? What about your kids? Your kids need you, but they need a man who is strong enough to stand up and respect himself when someone else won't do it, especially the one person who was supposed to. This woman has no respect for anyone other than herself and taking her back will only lead to more heartache. You've made that mistake once, she's counting on you to make that mistake again. She wants her cake and eat it too and she's hoping to use the love you have for her against you. Does that really sound like someone you want to go back to, someone who will use your devotion and desire for them at your expense?

 

Think about it, with your head and not your heart, get me?

 

Good Luck.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

MrMaximum is right. She's going to do it again. The prime indicator about future behavior is past behavior. This woman has a pattern of getting her needs met outside of the relationship that she is in, hurting people and then doing the bare minimum to get their forgiveness, so she can do it again and never risk really being alone. IT's not a guess that she'll do it again; it's a guarantee.

 

And remember -- cheating is never about the person who's cheated on. It's always about the cheater. There is nothing you can do to prevent it, aside from not taking her back. Her cheating does not diminish who you are in any sense.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Is going for custody of your girls an option? I'd personally be worried about moving away and not being there to keep an eye on things while your ex sleeps around. My mother ran from man to man while I was young, and I'm still recovering from the damage and often abuse.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Is going for custody of your girls an option? I'd personally be worried about moving away and not being there to keep an eye on things while your ex sleeps around. My mother ran from man to man while I was young, and I'm still recovering from the damage and often abuse.

 

This is a really good point. Studies show that boyfriends often view a woman's children as an impediment to being with her and thereforeeee, they often aren't very nice to the children.