locolady Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 I thought i'd share this story as it has given me a much longed for sense of closure and I hope it might help some people who are currently hurting. I am also going through another break-up but am happy to say i've learnt a lot from the one that came before. So hang in there everyone! My first love and I were together for 4 years and I was absolutely crazy about him. We had an amazing relationship but it began to fall apart as time went by, largely because of my insecurities and jealousy which drove a wedge between us. We were young, I was only seventeen and he nineteen when we got together, we made mistakes, hurt each other at times, got through 3 years of me being away at uni, summers we spent travelling together etc. Eventually bad was outweighing good and he cheated on me one night after drinking heavily. I found out through a friend and ended the relationship. We both cried and cried, I was devastated, felt so betrayed, anger beyond belief. The next week we had a holiday booked. We went anyway...big mistake! We argued with a hatred and despair i hope i never feel again and spent all our spending money on flights home a week early! He then moved away to start uni (I encouraged him to go back to education and resented him getting to move away, start again, be occupied with new friends etc) For the next 18 months I had a break-down, just couldnt get over it. Initially he said he loved me and would do anything to sort it out. Then he realised there was no going back after cheating and said we had to move on. I felt horrendous for so long - no matter what I did - gym, travelling, new hobbies etc I couldnt lift my depression. I thought he didnt care about me, never thought about me, hated me even. I was so angry and consumed by missing him, feeling worthless that I wasted a lot of time and experiences. I kept calling and texting and emailing him, hurting so much. He eventually gave up replying. Finally finally I did no contact......he text on my bday, i ignored, he emailed, i ignored. Finally six months later I felt ready and text him saying I hoped he was well. he replied saying how he'd been thinking of me so often and perhaps he could call and we could talk things through. We did and it was brilliant. He said all the things I never thought i'd hear. Most importantly he said this......"You never gave me a chance to miss you. I was too busy being shouted at or trying to answer your impossible questions. Since we stopped talking I have been able to think about the good times and how great you are." So NC really is the only way! We now have a casual friendship despite all the hurt and anger that has passed between us - it has now faded - it can happen! Then recently a funny coincidence brought another apology from him. It turned out that a new friend of mine is a friend of his new girlfriend. Apparently his face fell when he found this out as he hadnt told the new girlfriend the reason for us breaking up. I emailed him telling him that I had said only positive things about him and that I was glad he was happy (me getting to be the bigger person and wow it felt good!) He replied with massive thanks, saying he really appreciated me being so kind. He decided then to be honest with his new girlfriend and had to again face up tp the fact that he'd done something horrible. So, NC really is the only way. And remember..what goes around comes around. It feels when youre the one hurting that the person who has wronged you is getting away scott free. I honestly think they will be forced to face up to it sooner or later. Just try to smile and be a good person then you'll have nothing to feel ashamed of and good things will come your way! With love, Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 great story---NC is the only way for me Link to comment
1HelluvaGirl Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 thank you for this post. It is a great reminder about why we should do NC even though it is so tough. Link to comment
locolady Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 It took me so long to realise and have the strength to do it but it really is the only thing that works. I hated the idea of never speaking to him again but i couldnt imagine how things change over time. We split up over 2.5 years ago now and I dont even want him back anymore! I have regained the friends I lost as I couldnt stand being around reminders of him, felt betrayed by mutual friends remaining friends with him etc....things have worked out in the end and I am glad to have them all back in my life. I had to get to the point where I didnt feel defined by what he thought of me, or what I thought he thought! No, I doubt we'll ever be close friends again but I am happy to see him and vice versa. Things dont have to be forever so dont feel despairing. Just go away and let yourself heal. Nothing works other than time! Link to comment
love4life Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 I had to get to the point where I didnt feel defined by what he thought of me, or what I thought he thought! I finally hit that point about 2 weeks ago. Feels great! It's about making changes in your life and finding things that you enjoy doing on your own, completely different from what you had while with that person. I'm finally job-hunting and looking into new hobbies. I feel like I finally have a fresh start, separate from him. I still miss him from time to time and it makes me sad in those moments, but I no longer have those "Who am I?" or "What does he think of me?" thoughts. Link to comment
Little Blue Ant Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Nice story! it reminded me of one of my favorite Pearl Jam songs, "Nothing Man". There's a line which reads, "He who forgets, will be destined to remember" so true Link to comment
jimbobdaley Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 nice to read!! made me smile Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 Why does it have to be when you TRULY accept them leaving and never coming back, then they do? Link to comment
cptanarky Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 I know! It's backwards, ain't it? Because people want what they can't have..and when you truly are over them, they can sense it. In your actions, in your words, in your tone...and those actions can be that you simply show no interest in them and do not attempt to reach them. It doesnt always work that way though! So people shouldn't do no contact in order to get the person back. The main reason is to heal! People should never forget that. so true... i was the one the eventually ended my relationship to a girl i had been with for 3 years cos things had got so bad... she started seeing someone else straight away and all i wanted/want was her back... now im the one with no one and she seems quite happy with her new man... all i can do now is pretend that i am happy without her. I have decided to attempt NC since Friday (we broke up 5 months ago BTW and have been in contact constantly since, mostly her initiating it) How long with NC did u guys and gals begin to lose the constant thought of wanting them back or does it take a new love to actually get rid of it? Link to comment
JiSer Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Well its been nearly a year for me and NC really made the difference. I can probably say in the past few months apart from Xmas shes been out of my mind. Every day which goes past I think of her less and less. It really does take time and the more great memories you can do since the time u broke up the better!! I know I have a hell of alot, In fact ive had more good times since my ex than before. Link to comment
robert7x Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 You know what worries me about all this... Why does it take so long? I mean i don't want to think that i'll be stuck thinking about my ex that long... That is just crazy... We have to move on sooner... she sure as hell is.... Just the thought of me being stuck on her a whole year is making me more depressed then i am. I mean, that's a year wasted on something that should be done in no more then 3 months or something... I'm 25... i don't want to be 26 and still stuck on her... Actually i'll be 26 in 8 months... Damn it. Link to comment
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