should i stay or should i go!

[ttran]

i know we get the same question on here everyday. but i figured i'll give it a shot and sorry if its to long..

 

first of all, let me say that i have been a very poor husband and father of 2 ages 5 & 10. i would say i am obsessed with money. im only 28 years old and been saving for my retirement since i was 15. my wife hates it because i will not let her spend any money unless it is mandatory. she works a full time job and takes care of the kids and house. i own 3 business's and 5 rental properties, all which we bought together. not a problem there except that she isn't involved in anything i do. i now realize that i have been very controlling and selfish for our future and not living in the present. i have been verbally and physically abusive towards my wife in front of my oldest child. (but never towards any of the children) the abuse has happen countless times and i beg her to stay. saying it will not happen again. for the record it hasnt happen in over a year! i was arrested for it in 2001 and had counseling.

this is her problem with me, abuse in the past,says she is scared of me. and working very long hours never at home sometimes 3 hours a day. (i dont sleep by the way) and im to busy to talk on the phone.

 

now here is my probem with her.

in december i asked her why doesnt she get involved or care about any of the business ventures we are into. and that she is never affectionet towards me at all. we have sex weekly but i start everything, everytime. so in our conversation in december she tells me that she isn't in love with me anymore and she hasnt been in a long time. and that shes tried for so long to keep us together for the kids. and that she was waiting for a new job so that she could be financally independent to move out with the children. so im thinking there is someone else because she always comes home from work talking about a group of guys and one of them was suppose to give her a job. she has been at this job for 4 years as a beverage cart girl at a golf course. and guys fllirt with her all day everyday.i've wanted her to quit for years now but she said that other jobs wasnt what she wanted. anyway i asked her if there was someone else and she promised me on our kids live that there was no one. so i begged her to stay here and work on things and we could go to counseling and i would go to domestic violence counseling. she agreed.

2 days later i find a secret cellphone and confront her about it. and about 2 hours later she admits that she is talking to someone else. the guy i assumed all along. its hard to talk to her because she cries everytime and you cant get anything out of her. i also find out that hes been buying her gifts like a 2,000 necklace 1,000 earrings. he very wealthy by the way. so i ask her what happen and she says that they have kissed on the golf course about 5times and the met at the cemetery one time, and have been talking on the phone for about a month. so i want to use her secret phone to call him and she says she cant do that. so i get pissed because she wont let me use her secret phone. so i call from mine because im friends with the guy (to make matters worse) and trap him by saying she told me everything and i need him to tell me the story to make sure they match. and more stuff comes out. like they have met several times after work, when she was off, an on her way to work for a good morning kiss. so i go back to her to trap her telling her i know more stuff. then she confesses that they have fooled around. a couple of times like touching each other and she has gave him oral sex twice. in his vehicle. so i am devasted because she was the perfect angel that would never hurt anyone. so i told her i forgive her and we can work it out as long as she quits her job on the spot and never sees or talks to him again. she says that she cant just quit her job without a notice because she wouldn't do that to her work. but agreed to not talk to him. this is friday. monday rolls around i find out that she stops at a pay phone to call him because she had a bad day. i ask what they talk about and she says everyday stuff. so i get mad and call his wife at her work and she storms to my wifes work and makes a big scene. but my wife isn't there. so my wifes work calls her and lets her know whats going. the other man and his wife calls me and tells me that it is over and that we need to work on our problems and they work on theirs. so i go home and my wife is very sad because her secret is out and she thinks her reputation is ruined. so she quits her job that night, and says she did it because thats what i wanted her to do. so i said that i wanted her to quit last week not now just because she got busted and felt embarressed.

 

it has been a week now. and everything is good, im doing everything shes wanted and more and shes trying hard to meet my needs, she still says that she is not in love with me but is trying real hard because thats what we said we would try. we've had great sex everynite since. when a month ago she told me that she is not atracted to me and when i touch her it kind of disgust her. now my mind is wondering how can all of her feelings change towards me and away from the other guy. but she gets mad when i try to talk about our problems. i like to talk about things and like i said before you cant get anything out of her. i tell her all of my future plans and what i want in life. and she doesnt know what she wants for anything, our marrige, her career, her furture. so im thinking maybe this aint the girl for me. because she doesnt see a future with me in it, the cheating, the fact she doesnt love me, she has feelings for another man (she says its not love) i told her i would never forget what she did to me and she told me that she will never forget what i have done to her in the past. im confused and dont know what to do. i love her more than anything and dont wont to live without her, but when my confidence is up i wonder will my life be better without her, someone who likes what i do and is more goal oriented. as far as the past goes. im truly a different man now. i was young and inmature back then. i've opened my eyes now and know whats most important to me. i closed one of our business's and started counseling, but dont know if i can get my trust back in her. i would have bet my life that she wouldn't hurt any person in the world and then she did it to me and i lost my respect for her and dont know what to do. sorry for such a long story but i need all the advice i can get.

[Rum]

Affairs are always messy. Only you know if you should stay or go. And it will only work if BOTH of you want to make it work.

 

A couple things i feel i can comment on.. you guys need to know the reason she cheated. You need to know that cheating was 100% her decision, but the relationship is 50-50.

You mentioned she is trying hard to meet YOUR needs, but you need to know that you were not meeting hers, that's why she had the fling.

 

However, i don't like the fact you mention she gets mad when you want to talk about the problems. It seems you want to make this work but she is still not facing her own personal problems. She's trying to sweep it all under the carpet, which isn't good.

[ttran]

thank you for the advice. i feel you Are right about her telling me she is trying to forget about it.

[ttran]

looking for anymore thoughts, is my story too long for some.

[bulletproof]

i told her i would never forget what she did to me and she told me that she will never forget what i have done to her in the past.

 

I think that this relationship is too far gone to be saved. She obviously resented you for abusing her and this probably played a part in her cheating. Unless you are both going to undergo some seriously intense marriage counseling, I can't imagine how this could work. It's unhealthy for both of you and for your kids.

[LifesontheUp]

At the moment your wife is still in the affair fog and is pining for her OM. It will take time for her to get him out of her system.

 

You mentioned that you are in counselling. Is this the two of you? If not I would suggest that you both get into marriage counselling for this relationship to stand a chance. You have to get to the bottom of why your wife did what she did. Its obvious that there are resentment issues there too and these need to be talked about openly, not just swept under the carpet.

 

It sounds like you are accepting of your faults in the marriage but your wife isn't. That is not unusual so early on. But she does need to come to terms with what SHE has done, she CANNOT blame you for HER choice to cheat. Get some professional help if she is willing, it may well save your marriage.

[ttran]

we are going day to day about this. she requested that i quit bringing up the fact that she cheated everyday, because she says she is trying to forget it. but i told her that its on my mind everyday and i cant forget. i have visions and nightmares everynight and dont know how to react. and she doesnt want to discuss anything because she says she cant talk to me because im so negative about everything. any thoughts on this.

[confusedmama]

Realistically she probably CAN"T talk to you about this. The lack of talking, among other things, is the reason she started down this path to begin with. Yes, she made her choice to begin the affair-her choice, her decision, her fault. BUT..... go back to your orginial post work all the time, you don't and haven't ever talked to her, you don't spend time, quality or not, with her or the children, she takes care of the house, the kids and you from the sounds of it.

 

No wonder she liked the job as a beverage server-WOW-people(men) paying attention and saying nice things?? Men appreciating what she did for them, even if it was only a drink. She was and still is starved for the attention, especially since it was positive attention.

 

Stop pushing her. Let her make this decision. You've made ALL the others in your life and hers up until now. Do as she asks-SHUT UP-I know it hurts and it is all you think about but the more you bring it up the less she will talk about it. IF you really want this to work out, and I think you need to do some deep soul searching here, you are going to have to back off, slow down and allow her to make her own decisions.

 

Sorry if this sounded harsh, but it takes two to make a marriage and when both don't work at it then it also takes two to cause the divorce. No one is without fault.

[bulletproof]

we are going day to day about this. she requested that i quit bringing up the fact that she cheated everyday, because she says she is trying to forget it. but i told her that its on my mind everyday and i cant forget. i have visions and nightmares everynight and dont know how to react. and she doesnt want to discuss anything because she says she cant talk to me because im so negative about everything. any thoughts on this.

 

How do you realistically think this will work if you are throwing this in her face every day? How is that logical? You'll never be able to have a normal conversation, let alone a marriage, if this continues. It's been discussed over and over. What is left to say at this point? You both have to decide and then agree to no longer bring up either person's mistakes in an angry context. You either both move on, or you separate.

[LifesontheUp]

we are going day to day about this. she requested that i quit bringing up the fact that she cheated everyday, because she says she is trying to forget it. but i told her that its on my mind everyday and i cant forget. i have visions and nightmares everynight and dont know how to react. and she doesnt want to discuss anything because she says she cant talk to me because im so negative about everything. any thoughts on this.

 

Of course this is still affecting you and it will continue to do so unless you get help, the BOTH of you working through this together. Lets not forget your wife had an affair, you are on the roller coaster ride of emotions and your wife naturally wants to forget it. Brushing it under the carpet and not dealing with it is a receipe for disaster I'm afraid.

 

You need to deal with the issues in your marriage and it would be a good idea to do this with the help of a good marriage counsellor. Your wife has to understand and accept responsibility for her actions and choices too.

[ttran]

thank you for the advice. we are talking about divorce and both of us want it a little and we dont want it also. we both agree we've been through alot and it worked out. and 12 years is a long time togehter to give up now. we just need to make up our minds and it takes time. we both want to forget what we did to each other but we cant. i told her we will remember this even if we get divorced. and we still have to deal with each other for the kids future. we are going to counseling and hope it helps. im confused because i'll tell her im leaving and she gets so sad. and we still make love every night even though she says she doesnt want me. and kisses me know. i just dont know what to do.

[SLMitchell918]

I have been in your situation. The one thing that sends warning flags to me is the fact that she doesn't love you anymore. It's very hard to fix something that is already broken. If you both love each other, then I think it is something you should think about working on.

 

Your kids are not a reason to keep your marriage together. I stress that one. As much as I am sure you both love your children, sometimes its better in the long run to part.

 

Small warning, watch out. In the beginning of finding out about your spouses cheating, they will do anything to keep things "hunky dorey". I dont know how many times i got mixed signals. I wish you the best of luck.

[ttran]

my counseler thinks that she still loves me, otherwise see would leave no matter the sitution. we are still sexual active, hug, kiss, hold hands, and go to church as a family. i am going to stay and treat her like a queen and see where it goes from there.

[scotty77]

Why did she have an affair if she still loved you?If you hadn't of caught her she would still be continuing on with the affair ,right? You sound goal oriented and someone who works a lot of hours,you might constantly be wondering if she is up to something.As much as it hurt when your friend was the one who was having the affair with your wife,I am not sure I would have confronted him the way you did.I can only give an opinion on the information that you provide but you don't sound compatible to me .The affair was a symptom of your wife's unhappiness,it sounds like she has been unhappy for awhile ,she says she doesn't love you and wants to become financially independent,so she can make it on her own. It's your call ,man but I think I would move on.