I feel like he isnt in love anymore

[Misslynne]

where to start? My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot. I have this overall unhappiness in our relationship because he doesnt act how he used to, doesnt say sweet things anymore, isnt thoughtful anymore, etc. I just get this overwhelming feeling that he is being very selfish in our relationship. I have been trying extra hard to be caring, thoughtful, spontaneous, cheerful, loving, etc.

 

So, he has a friend from childhood who lives a couple hours away. He complains that I work too much (i work less than 20 hrs. a week), but I thought it would be nice to surprise him with a trip to his friends house for her birthday party. I called her, found the date two weeks ahead of time, and told him to keep the weekend of the 19th free b/c i had a surprise.

 

He became very defensive because of how unthoughtful i was to plan something on the weekend of her birthday, and how he had told me he wanted to go. so, there goes that surprise. and he knows its extremely hard for me to take time off from work. so when i told him i managed friday and saturday, the only thing he asked was why not monday as well.

 

i let this go. now the two weeks are almost up and his friend keeps changing her party from sat. to sun, then to sat. then to sun. i have to work on monday, but i'm not going to tell the girl when she can and can not have her birthday party.

 

she changed the date again tonight and my bf asked me why i was angry. then one thing led to another and he didnt mean it hurtful but he said "whether you go and are miserable or stay home, i'm going to go and be happy and have fun." he meant it in the sense that I shouldnt feel obligated to go. or at least that is what he claimed.

 

that really hurt my feelings. like he didnt care how i felt and all my hard work to do something nice for him meant nothing.

 

SO...

what do i say to him? i would never ask him not to go to the party. i know they have been really good friends. but at the same time, i dont want to go and i surely dont want him to go without me, staying in another state, drunk, in a house alone with a single, beautiful, woman. i trust him, but at the same time, i'll be miserable if i go, miserable if i dont. at the same time, she has never once made the trip here to visit him. its always one-sided. so sometimes i wonder if their friendship was that important, why dont they see one another more often and i shouldnt feel so guilty if he decides not to go. but i know i will feel like a horrible person if he stays.

 

i love and trust him, but when he is with her, i feel like he treats her like a gf. he puts his arms around her, gives her nicknames, kisses her forehead. leaves me in the dust. i know it sounds silly, but i feel like i have to share all the sweet little things (that makes me feel like his gf and loved) with her.

 

what do you recommend i do? please no angry posts about me being controlling or anything like that. I just really need advice.

[Misslynne]

someone please reply. I could use some advice.

[hello-I-am-me]

Try and tell him how you feel without getting angry. it sounds like he might get defensive, but this is something you have to solve, or else the relationship might not work. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear.

[Russ]

Dont accuse him of anything. That's the worst thing you can do.

 

You can take the approach of backing off for a while, and when he notices and asks what's up, you can relate the problem. That way, he asks for it. You won't sound needy, etc.

[bettyboo]

I agree try talking to him, calmy, and see what he has to say.

 

Communication is key if your unsure on what is going on.

[lonelygemini]

If he’s being selfish, pull back a little. Don’t try “extra hard” to be caring.

 

Like the others said, talk to him…but only after he comes to you to ask you what’s wrong. Then calmly list out the things. Don’t fall into the argument trap: state your opinion calmly, and exit the conversation when it gets out of control. To me, it does seem that he puts his friends first. And if he cuddles with her and you don’t like it, that’s a no-no.

 

I understand you don’t want to “restrict” your bf. I don’t believe you are controlling at all. If you don’t have boundaries, he’s gonna run all over you and treat you like crap while he’s doing it.

 

He seems to be in such a hurry to run off somewhere else and be “happy”. Is your home a happy place for you? I don’t mean, do you do everything for him to make him happy. Are you happy there yourself? If you can’t create the happiness at home for yourself, he won’t be willing to stay home to discover what happy place you created for yourself.

 

Re: the work hours, are you in school and working? Sometimes it takes a toll on a relationship and you have to really schedule couple time. My bf used to work 3rd shift and PT 2nd while I worked 1st and it drove me nuts. We would never see each other except on the weekends, where we had to cram happy feelings after a week of stress and anger. If he’s not being controlling about the work hours, take note of how they are affecting your relationship. If it’s not inconvenient, you might need a new job or new hours. If it is inconvenient, then you both have to suck it up but really make the home time calm and relaxing.

 

If he goes to the party, you don’t stay at home and be miserable. Have a bit of happiness, whether you go out, go to work, or stay at home. Plan the time to have fun for you and don’t worry about what he’s doing at the party if you trust him.

 

HTH and *hugs* keep smiling.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You have quite a few issues roiling around right now, and the best way to handle it is to separate them all in your mind and then deal with each one.

 

1. He's unrealistic if he thinks that a 20 hour schedule is 'working too much'. I think he just is being a bit of a baby and wants you to be available when he's available, and unfortunately you do have to feed and clothe yourself. so he needs to suck it up on that one, and if your schedules don't mesh, one or the other needs to look for another job.

 

2. You are jealous and worried about his friend. Is this realistic fear, or just a jealousy? how long has he known her? is she like real family to him and hence their closeness is 'normal' without being sexual? the thing is, he can cheat with her or any other woman if he wants, and jealousy in itself is not a productive emotion. Fighting over his closeness with her won't work if he really looks at her like a sister. if he really wants to date her he will eventually do so if she agrees. So try to get over 'useless' jealousy unless you think there is a real cause for it.

 

If they've known each other since they were kids, and he sees her rarely, he is going to pay more attention to her than you when he sees her. He sees you all the time and her rarely. so i wouldn't read too much into it just because he focuses on her rather than you when he visits. I would focus on my mother, friend whomever if i took a special trip to see them, and the partner does have to recognize this should not be a 'contest' to prove you are his girlfriend and she isn't.

 

3. Neither of you can read each other's mind, and a simple misunderstanding shouldn't erupt into an argument. sometimes 'surprises' backfire. if you knew it was her birthday weekend and he had plans, telling him you had a 'surprise' planned for that weekend could indeed make him angry becuase he felt you were making plans that prevented him from seeing an old friend.

 

but if you immediately told him that the surprise was going there, he should have backed down and let it go. i think what you are really fighting about is his right to see his friend and not have you unhappy about it.

 

so what to do about it? I would say go to the party, and don't mope. Accept that he has a female friend that is important to him, and that it is her birthday and she is going to be the center of attention. And if you can't do that, then you need to investigate why you are so jealous, or else why you would suspect him of cheating with her, or even worry about that.

 

if he is really rude to you and you fight all the time, then perhaps you are not compatible and need to find a new boyfriend. otherwise you have to learn to negotiate and accept that both have to make sacrifices to make a relationship work.