advice..

[dave_d4]

Im 27, single, and am currently recuperating at my parents house after an injury. Tonight my mother said to me “I wish that I had brought you up differently, because then you would be a different person to the one you are today”

 

 

Then said, “I don’t know if I would have married your father again, so you mightn’t even have been here”.

 

 

I got quite upset and left the room, how should I deal with this? I still haven’t spoken to my mother since this incident.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh wow...that is cruel. Know that this is a reflection of her, not you. Has she often made little hurtful statements throughout your life.

[lady00]

Urgh. I'm so sorry! That sounds awful. It was simply uncalled for. My hope is that she'll realize that and approach you with an apology. What was the context of the conversation?

[shes2smart]

When I was still speaking to my parents, I had both of them tell me, separately, on more than one occaision, that they thought they'd have been better off not married at all (my mother's opinion) or married to someone else (my father's opinion).

 

I think these comments have more to do with their own dissatisfaction with their lives and their disappointment that things didn't work out like they might've liked or thought they should.

 

They were also pretty clear on the fact that they didn't care for my choice of career or romantic partners (when I was dating) or my living/traveling/doing stuff alone (when I was single). I was in some serious no-win kind of situations with these folks...particularly if I still had a need/desire for their approval or praise or even good wishes.

 

They are not a part of my life and have not been a part of my life for nearly 10 years now.

 

Do you believe that you are a good person and leading a good, honorable, decent life? If the answer is "yes," then I'd try not to take your mother's comment personally. That can be difficult, but rather than take it as a commentary on something wrong with you, try to put in the context of her own disappointment/dissatisfaction with her own life.

 

I (obviously) don't know your parents, so I can't put it in the larger picture of a mostly, healthy, loving supportive family or if it's just the latest incident from Dysfunction Junction like my own family of origin. That's something you'll have to thrash out for yourself...and something that will no doubt determine how you choose to deal with this. If you're from a mostly healthy, loving, supportive family, then I'd suggest to you that some level of compassion toward your mother's pain is called for. If this is the latest emotional assault in a long line of attacks...well, I'd be packin' up my stuff and going to recover at my own apartment with my "family of choice" caring for me, if you catch my drift.

[dave_d4]

Thanks for the replies. Yeah, I know she loves me and really cares for me, like I couldnt have coped for the last few days without her, but she's always making these small statements... I told her I couldnt believe what she'd just said, and she said that I was far too sensitive.

 

Re my parents relationship, I feel that its never been good, and as the oldest child I've always been caught in the crossfire... like eg I remember a holiday when I was 2 1/2 where I had to choose between my parents because they'd had an argument and decided to go their separate way for the night.. When I've tried to talk to them about it, I just get "we love each other, u'll be lucky if you and ur wife are together as long as we are"... ahhh

 

I guess its just a matter of sticking it out until I get better, but the sooner the better.. Ahhh

[Wimpy]

Hey I can relate. I grew up second youngest in a family of 5 and I know I was loved but I regularly remember my mother saying (when she was exasperated with us) "If I had my life to live again I'd never had had any of you".

 

It wasn't just once either and it used to hurt and I still, to some degree resent her for it but I try and look at her MANY MANY good points and excuse this.

 

Parents are human too and imperfect and I guess they open their mouths before engaging brain occasionally like the rest of us.

 

Try not to let it upset you too much.

[hosswhispra]

Do you believe that you are a good person and leading a good, honorable, decent life? If the answer is "yes," then I'd try not to take your mother's comment personally. That can be difficult, but rather than take it as a commentary on something wrong with you, try to put in the context of her own disappointment/dissatisfaction with her own life.

 

I agree with shes2smart.

 

I used to think that parents were almost not human-in a way that they were infallible. Over time, I realized they were people too; thereforeeee, they aren't perfect and they make mistakes in what they say and do sometimes.

 

Here's to a speedy recovery