Delusional Kisses Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I've been in love with my best friend for some time now. I resigned to the "friend zone" some time ago. I officially gave up on being anything other than friends when he got a girlfriend back in September and I became "the best friend". Well, the girlfriend broke up with him in early December. Since then, him and I have had sex but the coversation before and after the act also was a "hey, we are just friends" conversation. Ok. I can accept that. He has, however, acted a bit stranger since that night, but he tends to get a little clingy on occasion. But today, his ex-girlfriend was texting me...just general coversation really when she brought him up. I pretty much attempt NOT to talk about him with her. She mentioned something I had said to him about something (I hate when he repeats conversations to her) Anyway, then she says "He likes you. I told him it was totally cool if he does Then he abruptly stopped the conversation..." What?! So, I said just that "What do you mean?" and she says "I mean that I know that you like him and he likes you and thats ok bc I want you both to me happy. So I told him he should do something about it and he was like but she's my friend and thats the way its been since the beginning and I told him so what?" Now, I just don't know what to think. My head is in a fog. I wonder if she was just making all of this up to get information from me. I just wonder. I had accepted my fate with him and its being dredged up. Should I just forget this conversation even happened? Can I really let my hopes get up over this? I spent the entire weekend in complete devestation when I found out about this girl and now she is the one telling me that he has romantic feelings toward me. Everyone tells me that I am just being negative and that no matter the situation, I'll never believe that he likes me. Why would I ever believe that when he has spent so much of his time telling me otherwise? Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 who has sex with someone and agrees we are just friends? I will never get that Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 Hahahaha....two drunken people that want to have sex do. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 and i would want to get drunk and do it again.......and not hear that my friend is getting textsfrom an ex Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 i missed the part where you said you were "in love with my best friend".....now i understand better Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 So, ok...I may have had other motives when I had sex with him. Nonetheless, I knew what I was walking into...having sex for fun only.....just friends. But now she has confused me and I don't know what to think. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 my first thought was REBOUND Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 Ok....so forget the conversation with her ever happened and just accept what I already knew. I can do that. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 so you are saying you have always loved him and you now think he loves you?....go for it Link to comment
blender Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 My dear if you are willing to allow yourself to give your heart, mind and body to ANYONE WHO IS NOT intentionally making a sincere effort to cherish you in the way you deserve then you will always have a feeling of "less"... and so the cure is to stop doing this type of behavior. Okay? You've tried it, it's unfulfilling in the aftermath, and it's not good for your own heart. So set some standards and values for your heart, mind and body and make a wise choice to live within those standards. Drunk or not, you've lived and learned and now you can make a choice to be more self respecting and make better choices about having an intimate relaitonship with someone, make a CHOICE to get involved ONLY if you are being fully respected and loved in a fulfilling way. And for right now you have not set any boundaries or standards for yourself with him, but it's never too late to do so... This ex of his does not "define" what is going on, and neither does he, it's up to you to choose how you wish to define and respect yourself in any relationship. So for today make a choice to start living and loving in a way that is best for your heart. We teach others how to treat us by how we choose to treat ourselves. If you hope to one day have an intimate fulfilling relationship with ANY MAN it will have to include you wanting to be respectful and fulfilled within your own heart first... Take care of yourself and do not be intimate with him again if you are "not sure" where he stands... and most importantly be sure of where YOU stand in all this, tell him that you do have feelings for him and that you don't think it's right for YOU to be intimate or close to him and "pretend" to be okay with it while he is still invovled with his ex..because it's not making you feel so good about yourself so for now you'd prefer to let go and move on.. and IF he ever discovers that he does want to make an effort to try being in an exclusive relaitonship with you THEN you'd be willing to talk to him but for now it's best for both of you to not allow resentments to build up and misunderstanding to cause disappointment because you care too much about your "potential friendship" or "relationship" in the future to ruin it by clinging to this "undefined confusing, unfulfilling" situation you have both allowed to happen, for today you are choosing to stop this behavior, because it's not self respecting or respectful". Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 I'm saying I have always loved him and now his ex-girlfriend is telling me he has feelings for me. And while I ride the negative train again......how can I possibly believe that is true? Saying "go for it"....what am I possibly going for? Maybe she wants me to make a fool out of myself, so she can stand back and enjoy the show. Maybe she is being vindictive? Maybe I'm a fool for even considering that maybe she is telling me the truth. I just don't know. Link to comment
blender Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 the only way to find out where he stands is to be honest and clear about where YOU stand and how YOU feel.. and what standards and values YOU set, and then you can see how he responds and there will be no confusion because YOU will be clear about what is okay for YOU.. My dear if you are willing to allow yourself to give your heart, mind and body to ANYONE WHO IS NOT intentionally making a sincere effort to cherish you in the way you deserve then you will always have a feeling of "less"... and so the cure is to stop doing this type of behavior. Okay? You've tried it, it's unfulfilling in the aftermath, and it's not good for your own heart. So set some standards and values for your heart, mind and body and make a wise choice to live within those standards. Drunk or not, you've lived and learned and now you can make a choice to be more self respecting and make better choices about having an intimate relaitonship with someone, make a CHOICE to get involved ONLY if you are being fully respected and loved in a fulfilling way. And for right now you have not set any boundaries or standards for yourself with him, but it's never too late to do so... This ex of his does not "define" what is going on, and neither does he, it's up to you to choose how you wish to define and respect yourself in any relationship. So for today make a choice to start living and loving in a way that is best for your heart. We teach others how to treat us by how we choose to treat ourselves. If you hope to one day have an intimate fulfilling relationship with ANY MAN it will have to include you wanting to be respectful and fulfilled within your own heart first... Take care of yourself and do not be intimate with him again if you are "not sure" where he stands... and most importantly be sure of where YOU stand in all this, tell him that you do have feelings for him and that you don't think it's right for YOU to be intimate or close to him and "pretend" to be okay with it while he is still invovled with his ex..because it's not making you feel so good about yourself so for now you'd prefer to let go and move on.. and IF he ever discovers that he does want to make an effort to try being in an exclusive relaitonship with you THEN you'd be willing to talk to him but for now it's best for both of you to not allow resentments to build up and misunderstanding to cause disappointment because you care too much about your "potential friendship" or "relationship" in the future to ruin it by clinging to this "undefined confusing, unfulfilling" situation you have both allowed to happen, for today you are choosing to stop this behavior, because it's not self respecting or respectful". Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I'm saying I have always loved him and now his ex-girlfriend is telling me he has feelings for me. And while I ride the negative train again......how can I possibly believe that is true? Saying "go for it"....what am I possibly going for? Maybe she wants me to make a fool out of myself, so she can stand back and enjoy the show. Maybe she is being vindictive? Maybe I'm a fool for even considering that maybe she is telling me the truth. I just don't know. sorry, i used to watch a lot of "Friends". again i couldn't have a best friend that I LOVE and have them DATE and SLEEP with others..... Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 Thank you so much for your advice. There are several point that you have made that I will definitely take into account. However, just to clarify for anyone else that is reading this...he is not "involved" with his ex. They are friends and she is in a new relationship with someone else. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Thank you so much for your advice. There are several point that you have made that I will definitely take into account. However, just to clarify for anyone else that is reading this...he is not "involved" with his ex. They are friends and she is in a new relationship with someone else. They are now friends? hope they don't get drunk and ..... Link to comment
blender Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Okay either way whether he's involved with his ex in any way or not, it's time for you to set some standards for your pecious heart, you will never regret being self respecting enough to tell someone where YOU stand and what is best for YOU. and if he doesn't respect it, or walks away, then you know that you did the right thing for your own heart and you will also allow him the opportunity to respect you and prehaps make a choice to be in YOUR wonderful life because he will notice how classy, self respecting, confident and wonderful YOU are.. and if he doesn't then good riddens.. Sincere friendship is based on communication love understanding and respect, and it does NOT include sex that is "just physical' and not truly emotionally intimate, because in that scenario one person always ends up hurt and feeling less... so do not choose to allow yourself to be in that situation again, you deserve way more so start wanting more for yourself because you are sweet, young, wise girl who has a lot of love to give to the RIGHT guy..and you will attract the right guy, (it might even be this guy) once you start setting standards and values for yourself. Link to comment
PixelPusher Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Don't base any questions or assumptions from his X-girlfriend/friend. What she is saying MIGHT be true, it might not. The only way to know for sure is to ASK him. If he truly has feelings for you then he needs to admit to it and move on. Not to be hard on you, but I've never understood this kind of "I heard from a friend..." kind of thing. Just ASK and you'll save yourself a lot of stress. Just say something like: I know we've agreed to be friends even through having sex but I'm finding I have growing feelings for you and I've heard that maybe you have them for me. Let's talk about this. No matter what, I value and want to keep your friendship but if there is something more here, let's talk about it... Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 maybe ask them out for a coffee and try and discuss what happened and where to go from here. Link to comment
Flux Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 who has sex with someone and agrees we are just friends? I will never get that Me, lol. There are 100's of reasons why you would agree to be 'just friends' Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 No, just ignore everything she says! This is between you and him and it doesn't matter what she thinks or says. You really need to talk to him about this and where you are going with it. I really don't think you should be talking about your personal intimacy with him with anyone else, ESPECIALLY an ex girlfriend. you could get sucked into any games the two of them are playing (if they are playing them), and this is second hand information that isn't from him. i know people try to 'divine' what is going on with the other person when they start a FWB situation because they usually are all walking on eggshells and not really willing to acknowledge that they are trying to navigate a dicey situation where the people's feelings and attractions are NOT equal. so if you really want to do this, you have to be open and honest and keep talking to him as a status check all the time or you may get really hurt due to unrealistic expectation (or he might). Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Me, lol. There are 100's of reasons why you would agree to be 'just friends' name me one. Link to comment
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