Why would she do this to me?

[smallguy]

We have been together for 10 years- 2 wks before christmas she tells me she has fallen in love with someone else- divorce is full steam ahead.

At the moment we are still living in the same house- thereforeeee I have to put up with him calling her, and her txting him- it is making me feel so angry. We have been living about as separately as we can given the circumstances- She goes out with him, I don't ask where, or what time she'll be home- usually the early hours. She never asks where i'm going, or what time i'll be home. Tonight she knows that I am going out- she sent me a txt asking what time i'll be home- WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? THAT SHE PLANS ON HAVING HER BOYFRIEND ROUND WHILE I'M OUT? What else could it mean? It is driving me mad, and it will spoil my night- because I'm going to be wondering. How can someone be so cruel- and I FEEL SO POWERLESS AND INVADED. How can I cope- I feel like just leaving with my kids- but I have nowhere to go.

[jettison]

I feel so bad for you for having to have been married to someone who is so completely clueless and insensitive. It's disgusting behavior on her part. The silver lining? She's a terrible partner, and soon she'll be gone and someone else's problem.

 

In the shortterm, stand up for yourself and inform her that she can't bring her new boyfriend to your place. She'll obviously walk all over you if you let her so it's definitely a time to be strong and hold your ground some.

 

Sometimes I wonder if these kinds of breakups almost aid in recovery because when your ex is this over-the-top awful, it seems like it might be that much easier to push her behind you and recover. I hope that plays true for you.

[rosephase]

I'm sorry it sounds like an awful situation. But you have every right to tell her to back off. It sounds like she isn't respecting your feelings at all. Have you told her how this is making you feel?

[Silver Cloud]

Sorry that you're in such a difficult place right now.

 

If you two are still sharing the marital home I think it would be extremely inappropriate (and disrespectful) for her to have the other man over there. Can't you talk to her? Set some rules about what are and aren't tolerable actions while you two still share the same place. It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask for some ground rules to be laid to help you cope with remaining to live together but not be together as man and wife anymore.

[NorthDallas40]

I think it's completely unreasonable for her to have this guy come over, and you should definitely hold a hard line on that.

 

And I agree with everyone else - she is being incredibly selfish & insensitive by carrying on this relationship right in front of your face, and in front of your kids. Personally, I think she should leave NOW, but I have no idea of your relationship history or how practical that would be.

 

All I can say is that when I made the decision to leave my wife (there was no other woman, nor any kids), I told her this when I already had another apartment ready, so I was able to move out the next morning while she was at work. That may have seemed calculating and deceitful, but it was to make sure that we didn't have to go through the pain of living together when we knew it was over. And in hindsight, I think it was the best way to handle it: our divorce becomes final tomorrow, and we're still on very good terms.

 

I wish your STBE was more thoughtful. Best of luck.

[smallguy]

Thanks- I try to talk to her but she thinks that i'm being 'childish'- she says that i need to be mature about it for the sake of the kids- I just want to get out- and yes jettison, this kind of behaviour on her part is, to say the least making me dislike her- we have never had a row, in our time together, we are generally civil and discuss things- if i raise my voice or use inappropriate language she will not communicate with me. She is switched on and clever, and knows how to manipulate me to the point of intense frustration- so I can't wait to get out. I have been doing quite well for about a week, but when something like this happens- it sets me right back. keep posting guys, we need each other. easy.

[amtjrtcet]

Wow..That's awful. She's awful.

 

I don't really have much advice for you, but I hope you can move out asap. You don't deserve to have to witness her adulteress acts right in front of your face. I'd say worse things about this woman, but I'll keep them to myself.

 

This is what scares me about marriage. After 10 yrs together and she hits you with this! Just goes to show, you never really know anyone, ever.

[rokston]

She's the one that is being childish and for the sake of your kids should not be bringing her new love interest to your house. Her behavior is callous at the very least!!!!

 

There is no manipulation to be done here. She wants out of the marriage - fine it is her choice. But stand up for yourself - it's your family home. It is outrageously selfish and immature for her not to have the decency and try to make this at least a little easier on you with some little consideration.

 

She sounds like a terrible person. Like the post above, I am refraining from using many more appropriate words regarding her.

[Shes_abetty]

Wow. First, I have to say I think it is very disrespectful and cold hearted for her to be allowing this guy to call the place you 2 still live in together. If she is so in love with this other guy, she needs to move out or show some respect.

 

You are allowing this woman to totally walk all over you, and I don't know your personality, but it's time to put the smack down, and let her know how trashy she is being.

 

There has to be some rules of engagement, you two really should sit down and talk about these "rules" until one of you moves out. What is happening right now is going to ruin your self-esteem and your ability to trust another woman. Fix it before its too late!!!!!

[winkie]

I am so sorry that this person can be so cold to someone that has fathered and cared for your children. It is so weird how people change and become someone they are not. I know you said you cant but you need to figure out a way to get out of there or at least have her leave because she is being unfair to your feelings and the childrens as well. I am sorry that someone is putting you through this that is very disrespectful.

 

[StretchGee]

Sorry for the horrible situation, but you need to hold the line on the boyfriend coming to the house - especially with the children. It is your home, so maybe you can make it clear to your wife that you will call the police if necessary to have the guy removed should he come over.

 

I agree with the consensus: if she wants out she should leave.

[RayKay]

To turn it on her, how is SHE being "mature" for the sake of the kids by showing them how little she respects their father?

 

This is a horrible situation to be in, and completely disrespectful of her, immature and just well...horrible. What else can I say?

 

Can you POSSIBLY find somewhere else to stay, OR KICK HER OUT, because she seems to be quite callous and selfish and is not going to give much consideration for you at this point.

 

I suggest standing up for yourself, and telling her this is completely unacceptable. Or, while most divorces are no-fault these days, document everything she is doing because it may indeed foster into future custody or support decisions.

 

Have you retained a lawyer yet? I really advise that YOU start moving ahead with this divorce and show her this is unacceptable and you are not going to deal with it from her.

[need2bme]

Hold your ground. The kids come first. ALWAYS!!

 

How can the "boyfriend" be the kind of man, who would EVEN WANT to come over to your house? He shouldn't be with a married woman and at the very least, have enough respect for the kids and the "situation", by not coming over to her house, AT ALL!

 

That right there shows me that her choice of a new boyfriend, makes her (by proxy), not the kind of woman you want to be with anymore. She has obviously changed.

 

Stand your ground.

[Zeter]

...she thinks that i'm being 'childish'- she says that i need to be mature about it....

Is this a standard line used by a dumper to describe their dumpee when she runs off with someone else? I caught my ex using the same words to describe me a few days after she walked in with her new beau, because I wasn't acting as if nothing had ever happened between us. She wanted business as usual. As the days since have turned into months, I can comfortably say that most who know us conclude she is the childish brat. I only wish I'd realized long ago.

 

In any event, don't take her "childish" and "immature" comments to heart. They seem to be SOP.

 

Zeter

[smallguy]

There is not much anyone can really suggest about this- I do know that it's not life threatening, although it is the hardest time of my life to come through. I have made it clear to her, that if I find out he has been near this house whilst I still live here, then there will be trouble- I shall move myself and the children into my mums. She works and is unable to look after them in the day- which is why she comes home to put them to bed before she goes out. I have instructed a lawyer, and we will be venturing into mediation in the next few weeks.

 

The feeling of not knowing her is so predominant- either this is her true self, in which case he is welcome to her and her selfish ways, which means that for our time together she was living a lie; or this is some kind of pre- mid-life crisis- and maybe when the dust has settled she will realise what she has done- But even now it is too late- She doesn't deserve me. And today I feel sick and repulsed at the thought of her- Is this a bad emotive feeling to feel??

[beebee]

we have never had a row, in our time together, we are generally civil and discuss things- if i raise my voice or use inappropriate language she will not communicate with me. She is switched on and clever, and knows how to manipulate me to the point of intense frustration- so I can't wait to get out.

 

im totally fascinated with your thinking smallguy... why are you still there?... why is she still there?... as you stated in a previous post, she is the one who works and makes the money to run the household and this, of course, gives her the power in the relationship, but enough is enough!... power aside, kick her out or you get out!...

 

i also have a hard time understanding any relationship that is so civil that you have never had any "drag out, screaming, punching walls kind of arguments"... there is something lacking in that kind of relationship... passion maybe?... that aside, please smallguy, why arent you doing anything about it?... shes acting as if you are nothing but an annoying knat swating you away when you get too close to interferring with her plans...

 

is there a reason why you are tolerating this behavior from her?... if there is, then spill... im curious...

 

beebee

[smallguy]

Yes there is a reason- You know that I intend to go live with my mum, I will have the 2 children for half the week. In order for my mum to facilitate this she has to make space- 1 room for me, (which is full of junk) and one room for the boys to share (currently occupied by a little foster kid) so my mum is trying to find somewhere for the foster kid to go, she's only six, and they are doing all they can- mum knows I need to get out- so I do have support and help, but this kind of organizing has to be done carefully as there are 3 children about to get displaced- so really it is easier for me to bear the brunt right now, and then as and when we can move all the children gently so that they don't get too disrupted as two of them have issues, one has adah, and the other (my son) has obsessive compulsive, his psych knows he hates change etc- So the situation is not as straightforward as I'd like it to be, and I can't just abandon it- I owe it to all the little ones, to handle it in the most sensitive way- which is why we don't have rows- it is too unsettling for the children- we treat them as gently, and with as much love as we can- albeit separately now. However, it does help to know that other people would find the situation untenable, and that it is not just me going mad, so thanks- ongoing for everyones concern- sometimes just reading other peoples outrage gives me an inner strength and determination to get through this well. please keep posting- especially similar stories. xx

[Silver Cloud]

.

.... And today I feel sick and repulsed at the thought of her- Is this a bad emotive feeling to feel??

 

 

Absolutly not! Considering what she's done feelings of repulsion are not out of line at all. I'm sure that there are a few more negative emotions you feel as well towards her, all of which I'd say are justified.

[PixelPusher]

My X and I had decided to divorce after I found out about her infidelity but due to her financial situation, we stayed living together for about 3 months. It was THE MOST difficult time for me. We lived as room-mates and I too got to hear her on the phone with the other man, come home from partying with him at 3am, and knowing that she had had him over numerous times while I was away at work. So I know the pain you're going through.

 

You have every right to be upset. And with KIDS, no less! She has the audacity to accuse YOU of being immature. There is no way in H!!!! that I would allow my kids to be around this new man, especially if one has a problem like OCD.

 

If your wife loved your kids at all, she would respect them enough to keep the other guy away. If she doesn't give a hoot about YOU, fine... you're an adult and can handle it (even though it's painful). But she had better treat her kids better. I'd tell her as much, if I were you.

[smallguy]

I'm sorry to hear you have been through it- What on earth are these women thinking. If I had been violent or on drugs, I would expect her to behave like this, and she still maintains that the break-down of our marriage has everything to do with my faults, insensitivity, judgement regarding the children like once one of them played on my ps2 game- which was meant for an adult, and once i dozed off whilst the kids and I were watching tv- I can't believe that this is it- Surely it has more to do with her falling for this other guy- they are planning a new life together for christ sake. So here I am- maybe 4-6 weeks, and I'll be home and dry- until then I will bear the stiffest upper lip-you've ever seen. I'm sorry that all of you are hurt in one way or another- I would never wish this on anyone- but we'll heal- they are only feelings, and will go away. Good news is that the last few days, especially today- she has fallen from the pedestal- appears ugly- and He is welcome to her- she is HIGH maintenance!

[need2bme]

Pixel: I get what you are posting and I am sorry about what you went through AND you are correct about not having another man around the kids, BUT and this is not to stand up for this guy AT ALL, there are may different levels and types of OCD.

 

Some extreme, some not so much. I would be worried about this guy's character, much more than the fact he has OCD.

 

Edit: I was not attempting to take the thread off topic.

[greensleeves]

Hi smallguy....it sounds like a horribe situation. I'm just wondering, since your son has OCD is there any reason you can't stay in the house with the kids and have her leave. Is the home owned by the two of you?

[smallguy]

that she can't leave is that for the last year she has been paying the bills as i have returned to study to further my career. i have 2 years left in education, and so my job is to study, and look after the kids, as she is at work. she doesnt want to move or sell- and so i am pretty stuck- at least she has acknowledged that the current situ is unworkable- i think that she is about to discover that she can't have it all ways. On top of that the mortgage company have turned down her application for a mortgage- and so this will be the next big conversation we have- where it leaves me feeling battered and bruised.

[greensleeves]

Well, at least she is seeing she can't have it all ways. I'm glad the mortgage company turned her down. You're in an all around lousy situation right now...all you can do is be there for your children in the best way that you can. You've got a tough road ahead of you, there's no doubt about it. But, you have your parents to help you out and that's wonderful. Even though you've been at school, shouldn't the house be sold so that you will get some of the equity? You'll need it financially if you're going to keep studying. You've got a lawyer, right? Make sure you get what's coming to you.

[smallguy]

Hi there, yes you're right, it is going to be a long road- I have a lawyer- and thankfully she has consented to me divorcing her. Justice? It is tricky- but I will stay put, until I have my money- otherwise I will never get it. Or there will at least be no motivation for her to get it. I am in favour of selling the house- a longer process- but I want her to realize that in leaving our relationship, she is leaving life together as we know it- whereas right now, she loves our life and our assets, and if she could just get rid of me then everything will be fine and dandy. I on the other hand, feel not only emotionally crippled, as it is so difficult knowing that she loves someone else, and to watch her getting dressed up for him etc, the way the law stands over here, I could get financially screwed to top it. So one of the reasons I'm staying is that although it's unbearable- why should I make life easier for her? She will live in a nice house which is part owned by me, drive my car- have her new boyfriend in my bed, and around my kids- my crime for this punishment? It doesn't seem just or fair, whichever way I look at it. She wins everything I really feel like the looser in all this, my half of the equity, although it's only money is the only thing I'll walk away with and unless I get it- I am staying in my home- she can't legally kick me out. If I do stay here- It will be totally against her reasons for breaking up which were amongst other things- that we can't live together and thereforeeee it is not fair on the children (that she feels so stressed and trapped around them.) So thanks for your input- I hope nothing like this ever happens to anyone I care about, it is horrible.