My rant

[KG]

OK, this has been building all morning, so I'm just gonna get it out there.

 

I am sick of this, this life, this way of living.

I hate the pressure to be a Dad, to try to know what to do, how to do it.

I'm not a Mom, will never be, I can't change that. Sorry! My son will be lacking feminine input, and I can't change that either.

I want some time off, I want to escape, by myself for a few weeks, take a bundle out of the bank and disappear. OH, that's right, I can't do that either. Goody for me...

I want someone in my life again, I want to be held, stroked, comforted, but HEY, that aint happenin', is it?? NOPE!

Maybe some tenderness, some intimacy, some desire and be desired.

I miss sex, there I said it. I miss the kiss, the oral, the act. Well, that's what handjobs are for, RIGHT????

Just found out we don't have any health insurance, cuz someone at her office forgot to include us in the plan..."it may be a few weeks"...

Great, so no working from scaffolds, driving when the weather sucks...my son can't go the roller skating party, but don't let that concern anybody...cuz we're just a couple of unknowns. The lost income shouldn't worry them either, as we're down to just me trying to make ends meet.

No one checked on us over the Holidays...why, we're OK, a small thing like losing your wife and mother really shouldn't raise any eyebrows.

I'm cracking, starting to come apart at the seams...And I have to do this for how long????

Screw this...live on meds and be happy my world is falling apart...

THAT'S THE TICKET!

[15 Storeys High]

Feel better now that you've got it out? Hopefully, but lets break this down and give it some logic too.

 

I am sick of this, this life, this way of living.

 

Adjusting to something you didn't want is hard. It takes a lot out of you, makes you irritable, stressed, confused and just plain pissed off. Totally understandable. You're sick of concentrating, sick of all the change, but equally sick of the old routine you're trying to recreate. Everything is new, yet it seems so tired and old. Nothing is fresh or exciting....the changes that have happened aren't about new starts, they're forced upon you and they're old and stale, and it sucks. Add to that you're still grieving and...well....you get the idea. Good news is, that it doesn't always have to be like this. Once you've found your feet (and you will) it'll be like your life suddenly makes sense again.

 

I hate the pressure to be a Dad, to try to know what to do, how to do it.

 

I can safely say that every parent out there (back me up here parents) has felt this at some, or several, point(s), throughout their parenting "career". There's nothing wrong with it, doesn't make you a bad parent. It makes you human. You're learning KG.....learning how to do it on your own as well as learning to be an actual parent so of course it's going to be stressful and yeah, you're going to feel the pressure. Every first time parent is clueless....they have to learn and make it up as they go along. As do you. If you did know how to do it you could make millions writing a book for all the others out there that don't know.

 

I'm not a Mom, will never be, I can't change that. Sorry! My son will be lacking feminine input, and I can't change that either.

 

He won't lack anything. There are females everywhere waiting to stick their nose in. Some of it you'll welcome, some of it you'll try to avoid like the plague. There's female family members, female teachers, female friends, friends mothers, females on the television. They're everywhere KG. You don't have to morph into a woman for a certain time each day to raise a well adjusted kid. Just be aware....and you are. So there's no problem. You're doing a good job.

 

I want some time off, I want to escape, by myself for a few weeks, take a bundle out of the bank and disappear. OH, that's right, I can't do that either. Goody for me...

 

There's no reason why you can't take a few days to yourself KG. Maybe not a couple of weeks...but certainly a few days. Call it a compromise. There's got to be someone the little man can stay with. Turn it into a treat for him too. He might actually welcome a little time out too, especially if he can see that you're feeling a little stressed. Speak to some of his friends' parents or your family friends.....there must be something that can be worked out to give you a little time off.

 

I want someone in my life again, I want to be held, stroked, comforted, but HEY, that aint happenin', is it?? NOPE! Maybe some tenderness, some intimacy, some desire and be desired.

I miss sex, there I said it. I miss the kiss, the oral, the act. Well, that's what handjobs are for, RIGHT????

 

Of course you want someone and of course you miss the physical aspect of a relationship. You're a bloke. It's natural. You miss what you don't have. You have to ask yourself though, if the opportunity presented itself would you take it? If you're ready to start dating then do it and screw what everyone else says. They're don't know what you're feeling or thinking and they haven't had to cope with what you have.

 

Just found out we don't have any health insurance, cuz someone at her office forgot to include us in the plan..."it may be a few weeks"...Great, so no working from scaffolds, driving when the weather sucks...my son can't go the roller skating party, but don't let that concern anybody...cuz we're just a couple of unknowns. The lost income shouldn't worry them either, as we're down to just me trying to make ends meet.

 

Get onto them everyday until it's sorted. Badger them, rant at them....they'll soon get bored of trying to fob you off and sort it out for you. You're on a huge downer so every little inconvenience is magnified for you at the moment. Just take a step back and really ask yourself....is this that huge a drama? Really?

 

No one checked on us over the Holidays...why, we're OK, a small thing like losing your wife and mother really shouldn't raise any eyebrows.

 

Out come all the excuses when you ask why...."We thought you'd want to be together on your own". "We didn't want to upset you". "We didn't want to inconvenience you"....blah blah blah. What they actually mean is "We didn't know what to say to you and we didn't want to feel awkward so we avoided it and put you to the back of our minds". Sucks right? Grief is a stange thing. People on the outskirts of it are afraid of it, afraid of what it does to the people it engulfs. They're afraid of what they don't know. They're afraid of you, of what you might do, or say. People don't like to see other people broken. It shatters their cosy little world. It doesn't make sense but that's how it is. And so you get angry, because it seems like they don't care. The truth is, they care too much, to the point where it cripples their ability to see that it is you that needs the help, not them. Makes absoluteky no sense does it? We, here in our little grief pool, we're really the only ones that "get" it. Get your anger out and release it from your life because it will only drag you down.

 

I'm cracking, starting to come apart at the seams...And I have to do this for how long????

 

Bad days are always going to be there and they'll generally hit you at the most inappropriate times. But there will come a time when the good days outweigh the bad and the bad, well, they're not actually so bad. They'll give you the chance to release any feelings and emotions you've been denying and hiding. That's all a bad day is. A crack to let something out. Your body fills up to the brink until it can't hold it in anymore, so it cracks. The trick is to keep one eye on the crack and make sure it doesn't get any bigger. You do it as long as it takes. It's still a relatively short time you've been on your own KG. Give yourself a chance mate.

[KG]

Storeys...thanks. Not up for figuring this out right now, but thank you. I'm still in a p'ed off mood, and would not be in my right mind to respond more than this. I'm rock bottom!

KG

[15 Storeys High]

Get yourself outside and run it off.

[tiredofvampires]

Hey, KG, I'm sorry it's been so rough.

 

It's a new day! And I hope you're feeling better.

 

A couple of things though...

 

Of course, it's preferable for a kid to grow up with both parents, but single moms of course have long been able to raise their sons to be responsible, productive and well-adjusted citizens. This is in spite of the fact that they have no steady male role models, or any at all -- which in some ways, could be considered even more compromising. A man teaches his son how to be a man, and models that. So your being the sole role model right now is a challenge for sure, but it's not something that will damage him if you raise him with values and keep the communication open. A child is very resiliant, and the most important things are being raised knowing you are loved, that you have someone to rely upon and come to, knowing that there are certain expectations of you and standards that are upheld in the household. If you are providing these things for him, a lot of rough weather can be managed.

 

Also, he has already had the foundation of a feminine influence -- for his most formative years, in fact, right? So a lot has been set in place. (And, who says that in due time, he won't have another feminine figure in his life?....) In another 5 years, he will be an adult, and that will go by in a relative flash -- but he grew up with a mother and so that is what he will have known for most of his life. And your attitude about women is what he will pick up, the rest of the way. So he has seen what a loving relationship looks like, has experienced feminine nurturance and knows that a woman is a desired and respected entity. From the bits I've gotten from your posts, I think you don't have to fear for your son's emotional future, as sensitive men I have found are often from single-parent families that were highly vigilant about a conscious upbringing.

 

As for you...whatever happened to the date/gal I recall from a thread not long ago? My apologies if you wrote about it and I missed the news. I thought you'd secured a potential new interest...?

 

I think you're really resiliant to even be thinking about it -- good for you. If you can entertain the idea of seeking companionship again, this is a VERY good step all unto itself.

 

Try to look at the places you've gained and the things that are working in your favor, not against you, and it will help get through the frustrations and set-backs. I know, easier said than done, but when I manage to enumerate the ways I am impressing myself (and be very liberal with the points!!), I experience a shift in my mood that's noticeable.

 

That all said, is there no way for you to take that vacation? I agree with other posts that it might do both of you a world of good to each have a little private "get away". Are there relatives he can stay with, while you have yourself a self-care "break"?

 

What you're doing is very admirable, and would be exhausting for anyone. Normally, there would be outtings and "dates" with your spouse, time to be alone for an evening here or there, to break up the constant demand of caregiving. Being a constant caregiver with zero respite for any family situation can lead to burn-out. Even if you can't get away for a week or two just yet, could you find a friend/adult to stay with your son so you can just go out once a week, take yourself to an event that you like, just for diversion, to recharge your batteries on a regular basis? (I have gotten to be great at taking myself to movies alone [when friends are busy, or I just want to chill out with no one to have to impress] -- it's not for everyone, but hey, it sure beats not going with anyone!! I like to go to funny flicks where everyone is laughing, and sometimes, the contact high is really uplifting. And it's great to just be able to have your own company, throw on some sweats and dress down for the occasion, ha. Bit lonely, yes of course, but it's a change of scene and time to breathe in your private space for a little window of time, maybe?) Just throwing some ideas out there, in case you haven't tried 'em yet....