It Hurts so much

[ziwez0]

Hey,

 

Well last Sunday I ended it with my girlfriend, We have been together for 18 months, I can honestly say she was the love of my life.

 

I Suppose the reason why im posting here is because all my friends and family said I made the right choice, but perhaps they only agree because they are my friends and family.

 

I would really like people who read this to be honest with me, I feel (I know) I made the right choice but I guess its just that extra support I need or not.

 

I could write about 28 pages about are problems (i did its in my diary). But I guess I will try and focus on the issue that summarized our problems and what made me call it a day.

 

I was never a believer of love at first sight, until I met my girlfriend, I really cant describe the amount of love I have for her.

 

When we first started to date we talked about ex's and she told me that she slept with a friend about 6 months before we started dating, a few weeks later she text me to ask if she could go shopping for this friend, I said sure thanks for letting me know.

A few weeks later I was round her house and asked how her day was, she told me, but as her mum was there I saw her mum give her a look, I totally picked up on it and knew something was not right, later on I asked her again, still she told me the same, I found out this friend had been over, I asked her again and she told me, she said he came over to drop some cd's off, why did she just not tell me.

 

A few weeks later we were out clubbing together, I arrived a bit later, she comes upto me and shows me a message, this friend was declaring his undying love for her, he said he wanted her, I was so upset and I asked her what she said she said she told him she loved me, I asked if I could read what she sent, she would not let me see it, I asked her if she would leave it there with this friend and I wouldnt have to worry about him again she said of course.

 

A week later she said she was still wanted him to DJ her bday party, I could not believe it, I asked her to think if it was the other way round how would she feel, the following day she asked her friends and they agreed with me, she decided not to have him there.

 

We also changed her mobile phone number(not because of this friend) and I asked her could she never give this number to him, she said she wouldnt.

 

8 months past and we grew very close, I knew she was the one, We decided to look at the next step, engagement and buying a place, we had lots of problems but found a way through.

 

She signed upto facebook one day, and that very day she signed up she told that this friend had contacted her, I was abit annoyed but I knew its not her fault, but I asked if she replied and she said yes, I could not believe it, In the back of my mind I was thinking it seems rather odd that very day she signs up he contacted her.

 

A few weeks later I learned that my gf asked one of her friends to contact him for her, she was the one contacted him....

 

She never knew I found this out.

 

Just over a week ago my gf went out clubbing with some of her friends, a few days later I got the phone bill, I saw that night she had gone out clubbing a number I thought Id seen before, the only reason it stood out was because of the amount of texts and phone calls, 14 text and 5 phone calls between 11:30pm - 2:30am, I phoned the number it was this friend.

 

My heart was torn in two, how could she...

 

I confronted her on Sunday, I asked what she got upto on friday night, she said nothing, I then asked her what happened at the club she said nothing happened, I then asked who was there she reeled through the list waited 10 secs and then said oh you mean this friend was there. She said I was only chatting to him, I then said you have given your phone number to him and called him, whats going on, she said hes only a friend, I said what does that make me???

 

We talked and she then told me to F*** Off, I got up put my jacket on went to leave and said this is you last chance to say anything to me, because when I walk out that door im not coming back, she didnt say anything.

 

We have had lots of other issues but what it comes down to was respect, I feel she just did not have any for me, All the times she told me she loved me and I was her sould mate, perahps im the crazy one here but you just dont treat someone like that, there was a time I was going into hospital and she knew the date, but weeks later planned to go on a girls holiday while I was in hospital. I would never do that, I couldnt go off and leave someone I loved like that, I would want to be there for them.

 

I dont think she ever thought of my feelings and had no respect for me.

 

I keep telling myself i did the right thing, but she has so screwed with my head that I still want her so bad, yesterday was the first day in 18 months I have not spoken to her.

 

I was surprised she did not stop me from leaving the house or how in the past she would be on the phone saying sorry.

 

I did want it, i wanted to forgive her, I spoke to her on monday over email but she thinks she did nothing wrong, and because of that I could'nt take her back, if she said she was wrong I would off.

 

One thing I keep thinking is that I loved her so much, I knew right away I loved her, Im worried that I will never get that feeling again.

 

I so want to see her, Ive been so tempted to drive over and see her, but I believe ive done nothing wrong, I shouldnt be chasing her, she the one that should come after me, but I guess perhaps that says everthing how she feels...because she hasnt said anything.

 

Everything I had I gave to her.

[ziwez0]

Oh dear, no replys

[richmonder80]

Though what I may say will never ease your pain, I hope it gives you some comfort on the decision you have made. I understand where you are coming from. It has happened to me as well. Understand that you are in a vulerable state and missing her is pefectly fine and natural. But understand that those feelings are out of desperation to keep things intact. You have made the right decision to leave her. If you can not have trust in the relationship and mutual respect for other's feelings, emotions, and dignity...it can never work.

 

It is clear that you have given her multiple opportunity to cut off ties with the other guy and to be committed to you, which doesn't seem like an over kill, if she really did love you, cared for you, and wanted to be with you, she would have done it without any fight.

 

The fact is, she lied behind your back about her contacting him, her calling and texting him, and her seeing him in the club. I am not saying she did anything with him but the reality is something must have happened. If the other guy really wanted her this bad and was in a club with her with drinks in their system, I can bet that something did happen.

 

It is extremly hard to let go of something you love but this is the true testiment to find out if she really loves you. Let go of the fondering hearts, if it comes back to you, it was always your.

 

If you truly want to know you made the right decision and not to get hurt even more, I would recommend that you cut all communications with her and concentrate on healing your heart. No matter how much she wants to talk to you, cut off all communications. If she truly wants you and loves you, she will do what is necessary to be with you.

 

Best of luck

[ziwez0]

Hey Richmonder,

 

your right its not that if she did anything with him, but you hit the nail on the head with..

"It is clear that you have given her multiple opportunity to cut off ties with the other guy and to be committed to you, which doesn't seem like an over kill, if she really did love you, cared for you, and wanted to be with you, she would have done it without any fight."

 

Its the whole point that if she really loved me you wouldnt need to think twice about it.

 

Yesterday was hard I so wanted to find any reason to go over and see her, but I had to say out loud "Dont do it!", im keeping busy with work and talking to nice peps like you to backup my choice I made, I got through most of yesterday buried in work, but when I got home I found 10 min of feeling there is nothing to look forward to in life, we had so many plans but now they are gone.

 

Making that choice was very hard, I had to be strong, but I now feel so weak because I want her so bad.

[luck88]

Hang in there. She may have thought she could have her cake and eat it too. You are setting a boundary and you need to stick with that. If she really wants to be with you I think she will see with this move you have made that you mean business with what you are saying.

 

You know you don't know what you have til it's gone so if she has true feelings for you and she sees she could lose you forever then I think the decision should be simple for her, if not it's should make your decision a little easier.

[ziwez0]

Thanks Luck88, my family was only saying yesterday that "She may have thought she could have her cake and eat it too", as I said the situation with this friend summed up how she was overall with me, We were suppose to be saving for a house a year ago, She said she wanted it, but after 4 months she was the one going out every weekend leaving me at home, buying lots of clothes, she saved 0 I saved 4k, two months later I asked how she would feel if I bought a new car (bare in mind nothing has changed she still was going out) she replied saying "that shows me your now commited to a house", i was the one at home saving, staying in, she wanted to lead that life of a single person (which is fine when your single), This told me in Black and white she is not ready, or as you said wants her cake and eat it to, I decided she was not ready, thats fine, I bought the car 2 months ago thinking she does what she wants to do, ill do what I want.

[luck88]

Sounds like you made the right decision. You seem a lot more "mature" than she is and your goals seem to be outstanding. You are just in different places in your life and she is not quite up to your speed right now. You need someone more stable. In relationships and life in general everything is about compromising. Sounds like you have compromised one to many times, move forward and find someone who has the same hope and dreams that you do and that are ready to have those. I wasted too many years hoping my guy would catch up to me only to find that that would never happen.

[ziwez0]

Luck88, thank you so much your words have been just what ive been thinking, "In relationships and life in general everything is about compromising. Sounds like you have compromised one to many times" I have, its always that ive felt I gave and gave and gave, and she took and took and took.

 

You have made me smile I can say im feeling better since Sunday, that initial shock was horrible, but I know its going to be a emotional wave, up and down, Im trying to arrange to do something everyday with friends or family, my gf was my best friend, thats how I think it should be (esp when you have been together for a while and love each other), she always came first, but i didnt to her.

 

I think the weekend will be hard, i am doing stuff but im keeping it togther pretty well, I havent cried today!

 

Thank you to everyone for being supportive, Its making today easier for me, I welcome all support as it helps me so much.

[luck88]

I have been there and done that and and tried really hard to do what it took to make our lives complete together but it takes two pulling together, there is no way one can do it. You both have got to want it and work at it.

I will be hard, it will be very hard but take some comfort that it was only 18 months, it could have been 18 years.

 

I am going through this myself right now and it is not easy and it's even harder because there is kids involved so thereforeeee I can't just N/C, that would be so much easier. It's been 2 months for me and I'm still living if that is any comfort, lol.

[Emersontech]

You did the right thing man.

 

 

 

It is tough so stay strong man. You did what you thought was right. Thats all the matters.

 

- Paul.

[richmonder80]

Stay strong! If you give in and contact her, it signifies that what she did was ok and that you are not strong enough to stand alone!!! Don't let fear of being alone give into a relationship that may not be worth it. You have to love yourself first...obviously she lacks self assurance and esteem to need constant attention from other men. YOu are best without her. Don't give in and stay strong, time will heal...that is hard to imagine but time does heal.

[ziwez0]

OMG, Ive just had a massive argument with my parents, it all started because my sister removed her as a friend of facebook on monday as did i, but now my sister has emailed her say she only did it for me, my mum is yelling at her, I keep feeling I have made the wrong choice, im wanting to go and see her.

[ziwez0]

Ive started to cry, nearly got through the day.

[finalcloud13]

I just read your story, and I really have to say that you are the man. I seriously think you are very strong. You showed her love and did your part of the relationship while she did not. A relationship is based on trust and love, and the trust she definitely destroyed with her own lying words and actions. And she thinks she did nothing wrong at all. Maybe it's true that she didn't cheat on you, but she kept talking to that other guy while lying that she wasn't. How about this: If you're doing nothing wrong, why do you have to lie about it?

 

When I read that you got your jacket, and told her that it's her last chance to tell you anything, because when you walk out that door you ain't coming back, it blew me away and I was just like wow, now that's how a man walks away.

 

Now that you've come this far, and even have someone thinking you're this cool, on top of you not having done anything wrong, you most definitely cannot give in. Don't talk to your ex, for any reason except her specifically stating that she wants a second chance. Nothing less than that. The rest are all for her peace of mind and nothing for you. Go out and waste time doing stuff, don't allow yourself to stop for a moment and allow a thought of her to enter your mind.

[ziwez0]

Hey Finalcloud13,

 

That cheered me up, your right I know the hardest part was to face and talk to her about it and I know that although it was one of the (if not the) hardest chocies to make and that it would break my heart I know in the long run its for the best, I tried and tried, and no-one can ever tell me I didnt fight for her.

 

But in the end she didnt fight for me...

 

I know every day is going to get easier, some are going to be harder than others, but Im glad I was strong enough to do something about it now not another 6 months down the road, when she could of perhaps cheated on me.

 

Part of me is hoping she will phone or text, i just wanted her to want me, that it showed me she thought I was worth it but no, thats the thing i guess im most gutted about, I have to admit if she didnt let me leave the house and said sorry for what she did I would of forgiven her, but she just couldnt see what she had done, and def for that reason I couldnt take her back, because as you see she keeps doing it to me.

 

Im going to try and get some sleep now, thanks for all the help so far it really helps me think that I made the right choice, roll on tomorrow.

[finalcloud13]

Yes. The first time can be passed as a mistake. But when they keep doing the same thing multiple times, they just don't want to stop. She lied to you many times. It really bothers me that she believes she is all right and no wrong. That tells me she is also selfish. I can relate that you want her to contact you, to show you that she wonders where you are and what you're doing. Just try not wait for it.

 

I look forward to you posting here daily on your continuous success. You're representing us men and giving strength by fighting on.

[orangesoda]

Ok...where to start.

 

I went through something very similar. My ex also had unreasonable contact with a guy 'friend' of hers. I asked her to stop, she said she would. She did not. I found out. Confronted her. She lied. Then I pulled out the phone records as proof. We argued. We broke up.

 

Right now? We are still seeing each other. Not as seriously.

 

The point is that your girlfriend is like my ex. They both push the limits of what's deemed 'okay.' The good thing is you, like me, put your foot down. You didn't just 'tell' her that it was wrong. You acted on it, demonstrated to her, and in more simple words, you 'had the balls' to do something about it.

 

I would be willing to be that your ex will contact you in the next couple weeks. It's that simple. You put her in her place and you didn't let her walk all over you. She may be angry with you, but she RESPECTS you. That is ultimately important. You didn't act like a doormat.

 

Be strong!!! I can't emphasize enough that you cannot appear meek and submissive at this point. This is an important test of your character! No woman wants to be with a guy that lets her get away with anything and everything! You acted correctly in this case. And if she is to contact you, do not be willing to get back together right away. (I made this mistake!). Tell her you need a couple days to think things over.

 

PM me if you need advice.

[ziwez0]

Hey Finalcloud,

 

"It really bothers me that she believes she is all right and no wrong. That tells me she is also selfish".

 

Yes she once told me her ex said to her "your so selfish, you do what you want",

We went to Miami a few months ago and we had a massive argument on holiday and I turned round and said to her "have you always argued this much with ex's?, because I havent!" she said "yes".

 

So I woke up at 3am and I checked my phone, nothing.

I didnt eat at all yesterday, not good, i know its just a phase tho.

[ziwez0]

Hi OrageSoda,

 

Yes I was sick of being treated like a doormat, I would let her get away with stuff because I love her, but how many times do you let someone treat you like that??

 

I think the action I took was to def show her im tired, im so tired of fighting, I wont let you treat me like this anymore, it will show her that ive made a stand.

 

The hardest part is she thinks she has done nothing wrong, this has been the case in so many problems we have had, she just cant see how it affects the other person.

 

She is very sturbon, perhaps she may think in a week a month or 2 months what she had done.

 

I dont think she will, I would like to think she would, but could I ever trust again?

[ziwez0]

So another day nearly over.

 

Do I regret the choice I made?, at some points, but I know if someone really cared about me that much they would not have to think twice about what they should do.

 

Im keeping busy, although part of me wants to curl up into a ball and feel sorry for myself I know I cant let this happen, I DID NOTHING WRONG, ITS HER FAULT.

 

Look what she is going to miss out on life...ME!

 

Thanks for all the support so far, I cant say how much help its been reading what people post, makes me keep strong and know I did nothing wrong.

[finalcloud13]

Here's another post from another person rooting for you.

 

Great job on making it through another day. I know it must have been hard, but I believe you are strong enough to handle it and so far you are only proving me right. I'm glad you are keeping busy; When the breakup happened to me, I didn't listen to advice to keep busy and just kept screwing myself over.

 

You are definitely right that your ex is losing such a great boyfriend thanks to her mental block. If she somehow comes around and acknowledges that she's wrong and you two get back together, good. If she doesn't, again good because you wouldn't want to be suffering in a relationship with someone with no respect for you.

 

Allow me to tell you once again that you did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, you shouldn't have a single regret at all.

[ziwez0]

Hey finalcloud13,

 

What a day.

I finished work, and went into the local town to get my hair cut, on the drive back I thought oh the gf (ex) normally finishes at this time and the bus stop I was about to pass, guess who I saw crossing the road.

 

Yeap, within the split second I thought should I stop or not... I stopped.

 

I was thinking at the time it would of been so horrible and give her a reason to * * * * * about me if I ddint stop, I was also thinking oh god what am I going to be like afterwards.

 

She got in, I drove to hers and we chatted outside,

We talked about what had happened, I said to her what if it was the other way around, how would see react, she said she understood.

 

She looked really bad, she was shaking like mad, I was ok, she said "you look pretty good", I was feeling good!

 

We talked I told her I loved her (maybe I should not have, but I was ok saying it), she said we have both been unhappy for awhile and we cannot reslove our problems.

 

She was really upset, she was shaking so much I held her hand a one point, I said if you really loved me you would of come after me, she just talked about how things havent worked for us, we try and try.

 

I said to her thats all I got, she went to get out and I said I loved her again.

 

I let her go, but ive come away fine, I actually feel pretty good.

I thought stopping might be a bad choice, but ive come away fine, ive come away thinking I gave her my thoughts, and I got a lot of my chest, I feel I got closure.

 

Part of me is thinking perhaps I was just happy to see her, i dont think so tho, should be the other way round right?

 

Im feeling now that she confirmed to me face to face that she doesnt love me, although that sounds weird, I feel thats ok, she didnt love me after all and why am I wasting my time.

 

Its still gonna be hard I dont have any urges to want to see her, perhaps later, but its still going to be hard over the weeks/possibly months, but I feel its gonna be that bit more easier from now on.

[alcide]

After all the love i was giving to my boyfriend and the good treatment lost's of sex next to nothing for almost 4 yrs u breaking up with a girl for those reasons i just don't know its life hurting and healing. I8 am hurting myself too.

[robert7x]

I actually think you were doing much better before you decided to stop and pick her up... I think what you showed her now is that you still love her and if she wants you back she can have you... You shouldn't have said those 3 words... You should have just acted as if you were happy and that's it.

 

You broke up with her after she lied and then it's like you had time to think how it is without her and you want her back... So all the stuff you were trying to prove means nothing?

 

What's done is done. Don't look back on it. I guess you got your Closure... now just Stay Strong, Do whatever it takes to keep yourself busy and move on.

 

I'm saying all these words to you, and pretty much to myself as well. I never got Closure... frankly it doesn't even matter... Life goes on... It's better you found all this stuff out now, then when you were married, had kids and she did something.

 

You'll be fine.

 

R

[finalcloud13]

I'm glad to hear you're still okay. Frankly, I think I would feel emotionally set back if I were in that situation, but I guess we're 2 different people.

 

These events, I feel, are really not just a coincidence and meant to reveal the truth and reality to you so that you can stop wasting your time. You're more sure now that your ex doesn't want to work things out. I hope she grows out of that pride she has, because I think it can really negatively get in the way of many things.

 

You don't have to think about what ifs and that maybe you shouldn't have stopped. You did stop, and you're still okay, and that makes everything okay, really, because healing is all about you and nothing about your ex. Keep on going, ziwez0