Dear World,

[radmila]

I'm crazy as you all may already know. But I'm a little irritated right now and just want to, i dunno, tell everyone everything. so here it goes. I crack up whenever I feel absolutely horrible and really can't deal with the world. I'm absolutely conceited and can't stop looking in the mirror. Whoever knows me, knows I'm totally in love with myself and I won't deny it. In the mornings when I have fights with my parents about "letting me" come to Stuy, I curse at people in my head. I help this one blind man into the train station whenever I can. I even led him to where he was supposed to go when he was clearly going the wrong way (he was three blocks off). Then there was this old overweight woman climbing the stairs and then she stopped and i asked her if she needed help and she said no, she just wasn't rushing to get out into the cold. And she was really thankful for it too. I carry band-aids around just in case someone gets hurt. i care about what people think and i'm not going to deny it. dear girl who i yelled at while she was walking to bmcc, i was really upset at not being ready for school and you were walking very slowly and you didn't look as good as you think you did so I yelled at you to move. I apologize, you were just in my way. I love the turkish fairytales lermontov writes and would read them aloud to the whole world if only i was given the chance. If it were up to me, i'd quit school and just read all day. i'd be a subway reader. does anyone ever walk down the streets just waiting to get noticed? i always do. that's basically what i live for. no one walks with their head as high. i'm very obnoxious although i try to consider other people's needs and things as much as i can. I'm very stingy but people don't know that. eveyrone says i'm patient but i'm not, not at all. i was about to take a nap right before writing this and got out of bed because it just came to me and i couldn't sleep cause my heart was beating too fast and i couldn't take it and i'm just trying to write it out. and excuse me, i couldn't write it somewhere private because then no one would read it and you know how i feel about that. i'm ridiculous. and hmm, what else should i write? does anyone want to know anything about me? because i will tell you absolutely anything. i've asked so many people to just ask me something, anything. i'm ready to like tell the world everything. dear spiridoula, i apologize for you being sick all the time but i'm impatient and i need to act retarded and get noticed and i don't care how i get there. you know i want people to think i don't give a * * * * but i'm always wishing that whatever i do, someone would just be like, damn i would do that too if i had the guts too. today i told someone that i liked them and it kinda went downhill. but you know what who cares? it was only me for being too optimistic about the whole matter. i swear to god whenever i try to picture something i never in my whole life dared dream what would happen if i didn't get it. and it's getting me into some deep * * * * . and i think the only problem is is that 'im too crazy and impulsive and i just need to control myself. i don't know how though. ughh, i just want to stop letting people walk all over me. whenever people ask me for help i'm just too damn scared to say, sorry i'm busy, and then what happens is i fall behind but i figure it's okay because HE'S watching. and omg why the * * * * is everyone all of a sudden agnostic or atheist. i'm sorry but it bothers me. fine, don't believe in god but don't make atheism and agnosticism(?) a religion of itself. i mean c'mon who the * * * * are you kidding. idon't know i just feel like someone's watching me and someone's loving me for it. call me crazy but yaeh it's the truth. someone please tell me what's wrong with me? is it wrong that i'm honest? is it wrong that sometimes things just come out without me wanting them to? i want everyone to know. you know what else i am? i'm a big fat attention * * * * * . HA! and you all think i'm modest! my ass! i know i'll get noticed for it in the end. in the end: that's what i'm waiting for. i'm sick of right now. i just want to see into the future and like know that everything's going to be all right and just like forget aobut evyeron else. can someone just tell me it's going to be o kay?????? god, what am i doing? i'm going to regret this later, i promise. and i'll probably delete it too. and also i want the whole world to know that i'm not innocent in any way and i don't think anyone in the whole entire world knows absolutely everything about me except for myself. you know, when i was a little girl, and alisa knows this too because we agreed on it, i used to think that there were camera's all over the place and we were being filmed all the time and our lives were shown in some different universe. ha, i wish. whatever i guess i should stop now. but everyone, world, whatever, who ever cared to read this far, ilove you i do but i just don't care right now. i'mon like a hiatus. you know i leave my light on at night hoping some person would look up to the 7th floor of this building and be like, wow, there's a really hard worker living up there. i wish i knew her. fat chance. my light is always the only one on because i spend all my days daydreaming and thinking about hwo the future is gonna be. but you know what it's all too late. i didn't know all this was coming. why does the world work this way? why am i so crazy? i dunno, i just am. sleep tight, friends. and i didn't reread this, i'm just clicking that blue "publish" button down there. and that's it. now you all know CRAAAAAAAZY radmila who smiles to herself as she's walking, who sings really loudly and then laughs about it. i swear just send me to an insane asylum now, before i really go crazy and something bad happens. i should sleep more, too.

[Natty7]

Interesting... I love your honesty and some of your choices of words and phrases are haunting, honest, but haunting none the less. You seem like a person whose mind goes a mile a minute, I like that. You seem like a free thinker, yet wishy washy with some issues. That's fine, you don't seem so black and white because of it.

 

I don't agree though with your thoughts of atheism. Sometimes I think it is probably harder not to believe than just to take an easy road and have faith. I have faith... I am still looking to see what that faith is in... and who it is called to....

 

I too always wish for a crystal ball to help me with decisions... I want to know what's around the corner if I say yes, or no.

 

I love your fantastical visions of being filmed and played back in various universes. What if?

 

You seem to say things (I don't know if it's aloud) that everyone thinks.... but maybe doesn't realize because they are too busy, or are afraid of what it means if they speak these truths, feelings or questions aloud.

 

You smile to yourself too? Want to know a secret? I was once told that while walking down the street, just imagine yourself in the sexiest lingerie imaginable and you will not be able but to smile inside, feel confident and walk with that head high. I have never told anyone that... So I share with you honest girl.