My sexuality is incompatible with hers

[thePuma]

This is not about sexual orientation, it’s about lovemaking.

 

I have been dating my current girlfriend for 2 years and, in the beginning, we used to live our sexuality in a completely open, safe and passionate way.

 

Recently, our lovemaking has become quite devoid of passion. I tried to talk to her. I told her that I missed the old times and all the passion that we had. She disagreed at first, stating that passion had been replaced with true love. Later she agreed, saying that I was probably right.

 

So, some day after that, we gave ourselves in and we had one great night together. And I asked her, why couldn’t we be like that all the time. She said that she had loved our lovemaking and that she WANTED me to be like that all the time.

 

So I said to myself: Great! We were just having communication problems! All we need is passion!

 

Wrong. Everything just went back into dud land: she can’t seem to stay excited for more than 10 minutes, and after that, she usually falls asleep.. and I can’t seem to be able to turn her on.

 

Sometimes when I’m sure that there will be time for some intimacy, I will go behind her and I start touching, holding, kissing, and she smiles and sighs for a bit but than she fades away.. starts thinking about something else.

 

 

Especially in the bathroom.. when I catch her in bra and panties.. all I want is to make love to her right there! But not even all of my passion and desire gets a click from her..

 

I have major problems here.

 

 

Am I even able to turn my girlfriend on?

Have I forgotten how to make love to a woman?

Seriously, do you think that I am a pervert for having this daily burning desire to hold, touch and feel her?

Are most women like this? Cold and uninterested?

 

By the way, we don’t have sex, and by “lovemaking” I mean everything else but sex. And we “make it”, at best, once every month. I'm probably not missing in the romantic department - I'm a very nice and romantic gentleman to her. So what's wrong with me!??

 

 

Thank you fellow reader.

[m12988]

Yeah, it seems like she has the problem with this one. Does she have orgasms? is she satisfied with sex? Is she taking any medications? Tried having a talk with her?

[thePuma]

No, she never orgasms. When she's reaching something, she tells me to stop, for she can't stand the sensation (apparently it feels like she's about to lose all control over her body, and she doesn't like it).

 

Like I said, we don't have sex (we decided to avoid having intercourse, since it would be the best way to avoid unwanted pregnancies). All we do is mutual masturbation, pelvic rubbing.. and the like. But every time we have one of those moments, she says she goes to the moon or something..

 

She's not in any medication.

 

I tried to talk to her, she says that sometimes she wants to make love, but she can't find the energy to keep up (we're talking about 10 minutes of erotic snuggling.. and she's a healthy person..).

[android12]

maybe she just needs to give in a lil and relax...let you make her happy. her to not worry about losing control over her body. reasure her that nothing bad can happen to her while she is with you. i mean sex is about both of you giving in to pleasure and pleasing each other etc maybe there are underlying issues she has about control?

 

[edit] oh...which part of portugal are u from thepuma? my mum is portuguese! ^_^

[thePuma]

I used to be in Lisbon, the capital of Portugal

But now I live in Azores, a bunch of portuguese islands in the middle of the Atlantic.

Where exactly is your mom from?

 

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Underlying issues about control..?

Hmm.. in her childhood, something abusive happened between she and one of her uncles. But on the contrary to my fears, that fact has never influenced our lovemaking.

 

I used to think that men are perverts about sex and women simply couldn’t care less about it but, she changed my mind, she made me believe that women DO enjoy sex.

 

But those times are gone. I tried talking to her. She says that she does have libido, and that she wants to make love to me all the time.. the problem is that when we’re at it, she relaxes too much and.. falls asleep. She doesn’t know why.

 

Neither do I. I guess I have to be patient. And throw away my libido?..

[android12]

She lived just outta Lisbon ^_^ ive been there a couple of times and would LOVE to go back...i also plan on learning portuguese this year ^_^

 

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hmmm... maybe the reason why she wont let you continue the orgasm is cos shes getting too sore? if the clit is over stimulated then it can get really sore really quickly...im quite like that. if its just the g spot getting stimulated then im not entirely sure. are you thrusting too hard for her?

 

alright, you have to keep her on her toes then. lightly cover her eyes with a satin scarf or somethin (if shes not into bondage, she might feel blindfolded, so using something delicate like silk or satin, makes it feel less bondage like with leather etc) or just ask her to close her eyes and promise not to open. do a whole lot of stuff she likes, foreplay or sensual massage

 

i think u need to work on another way of getting her to orgasm, maybe without her realising it hahaha so its like a surprise. try being softer with her. try flicking her clit, tapping it, blowing air on it, kinda rolling it softly between ur fingers, see how she reacts...shes obviously very sensitive down there. does she masterbate? you should ask her how light/hard she likes it, what motion, how fast etc

 

hope some of that helps

[thePuma]

..i also plan on learning portuguese this year ^_^

You're crazy. Are you aware of that? LOL. Portuguese is kind of hard to learn! I hope you enjoy it!

 

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..or sensual massage HAHAH! LOL! Sometimes we laugh together about her ability to fall asleep in moments like that..

 

Hey, I had already given up on trying to make her orgasm. Whenever I have the chance I try mixing different techniques and sensations, hoping that one day something magic will happen.. she moans and groans for minutes and then it all ends with her asking me to stop for she needs to rest and breathe.. yes, I may be using the wrong frequency, timing or pressure, but she does not much to help me!

 

She never self-masturbates. She's apparently completely open about sex, with the sole exception that she doesn't like to touch herself. She feels awkward or feels nothing when she does it.

 

I don't know. It's all becoming too complicated.. nevertheless, you gave me some really cool ideas! I hope to get a chance to try them one of these days.

[android12]

as for the portuguese...i learnt 2 years of it when i was younger so i understand very basic stuff, and i learnt french for 13 years so i know the rules of grammar etc...hopefully ill pick it up quickly...plus ill get mum to talk to me in portuguese i dont plan on learning it in ONE YEAR if thats how you read it haha

 

with the sleep thing, i actually understand...my bf will sometimes full asleep after he's reached the big O and im left there thinking "wheres mine?!" haha and we both laugh about him sleeping in crucial moments too! the difference is that he works all day, sees me and we have sex late at night, like 1am/2am and the next minute its 4am, and he has work again at 8:30am so i understand why he's tired...plus its not all the time like what seems to be the problem with you guys.

 

as for the orgasm she gets...sounds like your doing something right! lol just its all too much for her. maybe go slower? maybe you could try doing it, then when you see her starting to lose breath, stop for a bit, let her catch it, continue, stop again if she needs it, continue etc till she reaches it? if shes so "open" about trying new things then ask her to try it with you once and if it doesnt work then you dont have to do it again. it seems like she gives up and just falls asleep. another question, if shes finding it hard to breathe etc is she on top doing the work? if so switch possitions and let her relax.

 

seriously good luck! i think you both need to try new things, keep it exciting so she doesnt feel like sleeping so much lol. or maybe you could spring it on her in the morning AFTER she's slept! haha

[thePuma]

Uhm.. we slept together yesterday, and as I predicted.. nothing happened. Actually, we managed to sleep for 8 hours in the night, and 4 more hours in the following afternoon.. that’s half of a day..

 

I’ve put a lot of thought into this matter in the last weeks. And there is no other explanation, no meds, no diseases, no family issues.. here are my conclusions.

 

She does not enjoy sex as she says. Her behavior and expressions during lovemaking seem to be taken out of a scripted movie. She explains herself, by saying that she is afraid that I will leave her if we don’t have a sex life. I can’t remember the last time I felt true, burning, spontaneous, desire from her.

 

Honestly, there’s a lot of incoherence between what I see and what hear from her. It’s crystal clear that she’s not into the whole “sex is one of the best things in life” thing. Quite the opposite. She’s just trying to keep me interested

 

So.. until further notice from her, I am suspending all forms of sexual intimacy between us. I’m sad to finally admit that I absolutely misinterpreted her signs in the early days of our relationship.

 

To android12: 13 years of French?! I’m pretty sure that you will do fine with Portuguese.. thanks for the great advices, I hope to have a chance to use them in the future.. whatever it may be.

[KG]

I'm sorry you have to go this route, but it seems you tried all else. Maybe it will get her to re-evaluate her libido. Then perhaps communicating will bring it all to a happy orgasmic ending.

BTW, some women are afraid the first time they get close to an O, afraid that feeling is the need to pee, or of losing control. But afterwards, I think they begin to trust that it's a grand thing, indeed.

[hanny88]

This is not about sexual orientation, it’s about lovemaking.

 

I have been dating my current girlfriend for 2 years and, in the beginning, we used to live our sexuality in a completely open, safe and passionate way.

 

Recently, our lovemaking has become quite devoid of passion. I tried to talk to her. I told her that I missed the old times and all the passion that we had. She disagreed at first, stating that passion had been replaced with true love. Later she agreed, saying that I was probably right.

 

 

Puma,

HI! bit of a dilema you have there on your hands. may i just say, you sound like a very lovely, romantic man from your above comment, saying that your really miss the old times, the passion etc.

recently ive had the same situation, minus the orgasm stuff; but my boyfriend over a 6 month period become, as you said, "devoid of passion". we have been dating around the two year mark also.

i seemed to have tried everything, sexy clothes and lingerie, giving him plenty of attention, dirty talk, sexy sms and mms, basically the same stuff you tried also, trying to talk, and also tried the same stuff the other ppl in the thread have suggested to you...

so in that situation im not going to repeat whats already been said..

but i will tell you this, and this is actually what got us back on track.

after trying every thing i abouve mentioned to get him interested again, and not getting any response, i was about ready to leave. my ordeal to get us going went on for months and months. and i had given up. completely.

i was no longer interested in TRYING to get him interested because i always seemed to fail.

so what began to happen was ignorance. i ignored everything he did. i couldnt be bothered to listen to him, instead of wanting to stay home and have couple time together i went and did my own thing with friends, on weekends etc. i stoped sms'ing him through the day while he was at work, stopped cooking his meals, doing his laundry, stopped complimenting him, when we went to bed i didnt make any attempts at trying to turn him on...i acted as though i was oblivious to him, gave him the feeling i didnt give a * * * * .

and after aruond a month of doing this, my bf began to come around, he started showing me more attention, he became cudley and kissy, but i didnt retract straight away, i still acted distant for a while, so that what he wanted, he had to work for. after a few months, my partner started wanting sex again. which was rare....

he told me that what got him was the fact that he almost lost me. that when i lost interest in him and that i let myself go abit, not taking any pride in my appearance for him etc. he become really concerned and feared being without me. that it really made him realize ho much attention i showed him and that he started taking what we had for granted.

i let him know that i was ready to leave him and that i am better off with someone that enjoys and looks forward to coming home to a girl thats just dying to rip his clothes off, or just to sit on the couch and watch a movie together and cuddle.

i told him that hen that spark and passion disappeared i totally lost my lust for him, and that the love felt like it ran out.

things now are back to our normal, passionate relationship, just because i gave him a little fright. things have been better for around 6 months now.

maybe give this a shot puma? c how u go. ignore her for a while.

[Tempcuriosity]

Im kind of he same waly..NEVER have had a full blown Orgasm

I read about it though, find her g-spot and apply ALLOOOT of pressure

almost like your Member was actually inside of her. massage her clit a little

but not a lot, and ask her if she wants you to go harder or softer.

 

Something happened the other night with my guy. I spent the

night with him, Had sex at night and in the morning,, I was about

ready to wake him up with me riding him . Excuse the language.

I was reeeally horny, not sure why, he took good care of me the

night before. Have Intercourse, use a condom though...

 

I was seriously ready to let lose! I didnt because I didnt have the

nerve to tell him that i wanted to. Anyways, it may work, go down on her

then wake her up in the morning and see if she wants to go for a ride,

if you know what i mean...???make sure to have her go pee and take care

of her business before hand though....

 

 

***The girls post above mine is real good advise, annnd I may even try that

myself, i do believe you have to WORK for IT...just ought i would share my

experience, maybe you can do some of those AFTER she works for it lol...