is there anything else i can do?

[rubikscube]

my boyfriend of just over a year broke up with me about two months ago. his main reason was that he just wanted to be on his own for a while "without any girls" - he's only 20, so i guess he didn't really want to be tied down to anyone.

 

i tried the friends thing for a month or so before finally realising that all it was doing was hurting me - i was making no progress on getting over him. so i told him (in a letter) that we couldn't be friends anymore, that i needed to be in a relationship with him or have nothing to do with him at all, and he wouldn't be hearing from me.

 

the next day i went away with a whole bunch of friends (on a trip he was supposed to be coming on too) for a week and a half. my phone was off for the whole trip, and i was having fun, and even managing to go for a few hours at a time without thinking about him. i finally felt like i was making progress. i didn't contact him at all.

 

the morning i got home, i turned my phone on, and what do i have? a message from him asking to talk when i got back. i agreed to meet him to talk, but the messages that followed suggested to me that he just wanted to hang out, not talk about our relationship. i told him point blank that we couldn't hang out. i didn't hear back from him until the next day, when he came online and started talking to me. he said that he felt like he'd made a huge mistake, and he wanted to talk.

 

i went to see him that night and we talked for a few hours - well, he did most of the talking. he said that breaking up with me was his biggest regret of 2007, he made a huge mistake, he doesn't even know what he was thinking when he did it, he can't stop thinking about me, he can't even sleep because he keeps thinking what a mistake he made, he wants to give our relationship another chance, etc etc. basically asking to get back together. i didn't give him a definite answer, saying that i wasn't sure if i could trust him again.

 

he asked me round to his house a few nights later (this being 3 nights ago) to watch a movie and i figured i should go - i thought spending some more time with him would make my decision a bit easier. i went over and we hung out, and it was really fun. felt like old times. then he tried to kiss me - i didn't let him. i told him i was scared because i didn't know if i'd get hurt again. he was okay with that, saying he totally understood, and to take my time etc. all the while assuring me that he didn't want to hurt me again and asking me to trust him.

 

he asked me if i wanted to stay over and i said yes (a bad idea). once we were in bed (fully clothed) i made a bad mistake - i kissed him, and we ended up having sex. i know i shouldn't have done that (and i regret it now) but at the time it felt right. i told him that i wasn't sure if getting back together was the right thing to do because a few people who i'd spoken to about the situation had told me not to.

 

i've spent the last few days thinking a lot about what to do and finally almost came to the conclusion that it would be hard, but i could trust him again. i believe that trust has to be built and i thought that we could build it together with the right approach to our relationship. i asked him to have coffee with me today to talk about that.

 

when i got there and met up with him he acted weird, then told me that he thought we were making a mistake. he said that he still regrets breaking up with me, and wishes he could change it, but he doesn't think it could work again. his main reason was that he thinks if we get back together, whenever we go out or anything all my friends will be thinking that we shouldn't be together and that he's an a--hole. he also says that he can't forgive himself for hurting me and he'll always feel bad about it, and it'll always come between us.

 

we talked for a few hours but his mind seemed fairly made up. i just don't understand why he wouldn't want to try again (since i am willing to) if he still has all the feelings for me he says he does. i asked him if there was anything he wasn't telling me, but he assured me there isn't.

 

i just don't get how someone can go from "i can't sleep, i just lie on my bed thinking about you" to not wanting to try to reconcile in the space of less than a week. it doesn't make any sense to me. i understand that getting back together will be difficult, and there maybe be occasional awkward moments with family and friends, but my overriding feeling at the moment is that i still want to be with him, so that other stuff doesn't matter. sure it'll be hard but i feel like its worth trying, at least.

 

do you think there's anything i can do to convince him that it's worth trying to figure this out? it just absolutely baffles me. i know if we get back together there's no guarantee it'll work out, but that's a risk you take with any relationship whether its new or trying again with an ex. i just hate the thought that both of us are sitting at home missing each other. if everything he told me is the truth then he wants to be with me, but he doesn't want to try? WHY?

 

and if he doesn't want to be with me, why doesn't he just tell me? he's broken up with me once, it's not like he doesn't have the guts to do it.

 

GAH!

 

(wow, i didn't realise this was so long - thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it...)

[leo_s84]

Well it seems all he wanted was to know you where still there, now that he knows he can go back to his single life knowing you're still not over him. You gave in way to quickly

[random_stranger]

I think it's an emotionally hard time for both parties right after the breakup because it's a loss of something familiar and somebody who you shared an emotional connection with. So the fact that he was regretting his decision and saying all those things to you doesn't surprise me... but the fact that he changed his mind right after he slept with you makes me think that he just wanted to get laid. (You'd be surprised at what guys would say or lie about just to get in bed with you.) Maybe after he got his hormones taken care of and he was able to think straight, he realized that he really didn't want to be in a relationship.

 

Then you ask, why doesn't he completely break it off with you or just get back together with you? Well, this is just a theory, but I think he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to remain single so that he can meet other women without feeling guilty (or just not have to deal with relationship commitments), but he wants to string you along as well so that if he does get lonely, he knows he has somebody he can fall back on emotionally and physically because he knows you still care for him.

 

So, what to do now? If you can handle it, go no contact. It's one of the hardest things to do, but it is also the most effective in helping you move on. Don't succumb to his coaxings again. Remind yourself of what happened before and remember what he said. Don't go from being a girlfriend to a f**k buddy.

 

You asked, "Is there anything you can do to convince him that this would work?". The answer is "No". He has to decide that for himself and he's already changed his mind twice. So, if you're one of the ones who want to get her ex back, follow the advice of many of the members here and just live your life. If he really wants you back, he'll show you with actions, not just words.

[thouse]

Well it seems all he wanted was to know you where still there, now that he knows he can go back to his single life knowing you're still not over him. You gave in way to quickly

I agree with this, and that lame reason he gave for not wanting to be back together was crap and an excuse. You gave in and gave it up too quick, now he knows that you are interested when before he wasn't sure. He is an a--hole and I think the best thing would be to move on for real this time.

[LilBear]

Sounds like my ex, minus the sex

And plus a "girlfriend"

But still expresses that I'm "still the best" bla bla bla

 

And I haven't heard from him in the past 2 days

[rubikscube]

thanks guys

 

i think i needed that affirmation from neutral outsiders that what he did was an a--hole move. i know i shouldn't have slept with him, but it's so hard at the time when he's cuddling you and telling you everything you've wanted to hear since you broke up...but i guess i need to learn to not get myself in that situation again.

 

i'm going no contact on him, which will be hard but is what i have to do. i even gave my phone to a friend last night when we went out drinking so i couldnt drunk-dial him. and i'm trying very hard not to read his facebook page!!

 

i too feel like the reasons he gave me were an excuse. he assured me they're not, but they just don't make any sense to me. i wish he'd just say point blank "i don't want to be with you anymore". would make it so much easier to move on, i think. i feel like i at least deserve to know the truth. but, i'm not speaking to him, so i guess i'll never know. ah well.