strawberry Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Hi everyone, So, my best friend, who ive been in love with for a long time, just recently told me he was in love with me. We basically live together, kiss, hold hands, cuddle at night, say we love each other but there is one major problem: he doesnt want to do anything sexual, EVER. He hasnt been in a relationship in 8 years...I think Im the closest thing to it since then. Hes gorgeous, great personality, etc....so I dont know if hes just insecure? Hes very strong on his stance too...I asked him whether or not he thinks he may want to change in the future, and he said probably not. I love him more than Ive ever loved anyone, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I dont know if I can do it. He swears its not me, and its "just not who he is". Hes clearly attracted to me, kisses me all the time..but he pulls away when it gets too serious. We're in love, but can you truly be in love without any physical intimacy? Help and no, hes not gay. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I think if he's 100% totally against it, then it's not going to work out. Sex is important to you and I'd say it's a very important part of most dating relationships. It's an incompatibility between the two of you. You may be in love with each other but your ideas of a loving relationship are different. Neither of you is wrong, you just have different preferences and that is okay but you should never settle for less than what you want. Neither of you will ultimately be happy with that. Link to comment
Kalika Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Is he completely resigned to it, or would he be willing to see a sex therapist with you?? I think the bigger issue is, how willing is he to get treatment for it. That answer will largely determine if it's worth it to pursue something real with him or not. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I think if he's 100% totally against it, then it's not going to work out. Sex is important to you and I'd say it's a very important part of most dating relationships. It's an incompatibility between the two of you. You may be in love with each other but your ideas of a loving relationship are different. Neither of you is wrong, you just have different preferences and that is okay but you should never settle for less than what you want. Neither of you will ultimately be happy with that. I completey agree with this post. I think most people would have difficulty with this type of relationship. Has he ever told you why he's so opposed to being sexually intimate with someone? Would he ever consider counselling for this? Maybe the two of you are destined to be "best friends" and nothing more. Link to comment
strawberry Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 I dont know if counseling is the answer. I wouldnt be opposed to it in the least, but hes 30. Im 23, and I think that makes him feel like less of a man already for not being able to do anything with me. I asked him today whether or not he thought he was going to feel this way forever, and he responded with, "I cant say for sure, but I think so." Does that mean theres hope? ugh, I dont want to pressure him or make him think he has to change, but I want to try and work toward something..how can I without sounding unhappy? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 there is a whole world of people out there for you to NOT have sex with, but your boyfriend/partner/spouse you DO have sex with. i'm sorry, but it's just not normal to be in a relationship where there is no sex involved at his age BY CHOICE. he's either gay and not admitting it, or needs some kind of treatment. even people with impotence problems can get treated, and have all kinds of sex other than just penetration, so there is something seriously wrong here. he needs to get treatment, or you need to get a new boyfriend. do you want to be non-sexual forever? no kids, etc.? Link to comment
Clementine orange Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 I don't mean to be negative here but your relationship as it is now is doomed. There is hope if you can get him to therapy. There's plenty of time to not have sex with your paartner after you've been married 5 years or so (gee, did that sound bitter?) Link to comment
strawberry Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 I dont know if he has personal sex issues. I do know that he does admit its warped...but he cant provide an explanation. I asked him if he thought it was gross, he said no, and was even offended. Maybe it has something to do with him not having sex for so long, and he may think hes bad at it? He knows Ive had many sexual partners, so I guess that could be an option...he has really low self-esteem. Also, I do know he gets turned on sometimes when I rub his stomach under his shirt, and kiss him...cause Ive felt it... And, Ive tried to just get to the bottom of it, like maybe he actually did just want to be friends and couldnt tell me. But he said he was in love with me first AND told me he would be hurt if I wanted to be with someone else....but at the same time understood if I had to. I just dont know what to do. I love him so much that Ive actually thought about giving up sex. I just dont know. Link to comment
Clementine orange Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 My earlier post was a bit brusque - sorry. You might be able to seduce him. Maybe he just needs more time for that side of things to develop. He might be afraid of getting hurt. Since you know his "equipment" is operational maybe it's just a matter of time before you can get him to use it. I still say a therapist might be able to help. I'm sure there's books and webpages on this subject as well. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 ugh, I dont want to pressure him or make him think he has to change, but I want to try and work toward something..how can I without sounding unhappy? Why are you worried about sounding unhappy? This is a very serious issue, of course you're unhappy about it. You need to have an honest talk with him about this and find out if he is or isn't willing to do what's necessary (therapy) in order to have you in his life as a romantic partner. Don't be a pushover here....you have the right to expect a full and satisfying relationship with the person you choose to share your life with. If he isn't willing to seek therapy for this "he's just not that into you" Sorry. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 He may be asexual. Whatever the issue is, you two are incompatible. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 If you can live without the sex and physical intimacy, or learn to live without it, then you can make it work. If you really truly love him and want to make it work, that probably is the only way. Not saying that is healthy either. But that is if you truly want to stay with him. I know I am odd about my opinions, but to me, if you really love someone and want to be with them, yeah then you might have to give something up. Link to comment
strawberry Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 Thanks for your advice, everyone. He just seems so sure that he'll always be this way. And its partially my fault, i act upset but not as upset as I should. Link to comment
LE DHUY NHUT Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Maybe he's religious and doesn't believe in premarital sex?Maybe you have to ask him why and do something about it. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 If you really love someone and want to be with them, yeah then you might have to give something up. I disagree. If you really love someone, you would not put them in the position of you possibly resenting them. I don't think anyone who wants it can actually live without something so big and important as sex in a relationship and not be resentful or feel frustrated. I don't think it's fair to either person. Loving someone can sometimes mean letting them go so you both can find someone you are compatible with. Love isn't about sacrificing things that are important to you. Yes, compromise is involved in loving relationships but that's another story. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 And its partially my fault, i act upset but not as upset as I should. It's not your fault. Neither of you did anything wrong. You are each just being true to yourselves and honest about what you want and don't want in a relationship (or at least, in this particular relationship). Link to comment
strawberry Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 Thanks lady. I just wonder if suggesting therapy is asking for too much. Hes one of those loner artsy types...and hates the status quo. Does it sound like too much? Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Therapy could help. It might help him get to the crux of his problems. Do you think he would be open to therapy? Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Thanks lady. I just wonder if suggesting therapy is asking for too much. Hes one of those loner artsy types...and hates the status quo. Does it sound like too much? Only you can answer this question. It might be one of those things where you just have to say to yourself: if therapy can't get us through this, then I'm checking out. Or you might decide that he has truly made up his mind and there's no point in trying to even go to therapy. It really depends on how you read his reactions to you and how you feel about the potential of this relationship. Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 What about when you want to have kids? Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Thanks lady. I just wonder if suggesting therapy is asking for too much. Hes one of those loner artsy types...and hates the status quo. Does it sound like too much? Don't you think you deserve to think about what you need and want? Do you want to have children someday? Link to comment
strawberry Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 I do...and we've even talked about (jokingly) how we would be good parents. So I dont know where that even leaves us....I mean we talk about eventually moving in together, getting a dog. Its scary to me if he never really wants to change at all. Link to comment
havefaith Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Do you think he may have had a scarring or otherwise unhappy experience with that ex from 8 years ago? 8 years is a LONG time to go without seeing someone new... This is the first thing that popped into my head when I read this. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction... Link to comment
greensleeves Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Strawberry, you are really going to have to sit down and have a serious heart to heart discussion with him about this. Only you know what you can withstand, it doesn't really matter what we all think here although the general consensus is that it won't work. Don't be afraid of being assertive..this is a major issue which could potentially affect the rest of your life and whether or or not you will ever become a parent. You don't need to be afraid to speak to him in depth about it...you deserve to build the life that you want and deserve; you need to take the necessary steps to make it happen. If he doesn't want to change, you need to find that out now, so that you can move on and find a loving partner who wants the same things out of life that you do. Link to comment
strawberry Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 thanks...i appreciate the thought out advice. well the relationship he had 8 years ago was awful i guess. hes only had sex once i think and it was with her. i guess she went crazy when he tried to break up with her (locked him in her apartment)...and he said it scared him that he woke up one day and didnt love her anymore...he put off breaking up with her then a week later her best friend died and she was kicked out of her apartment...which delayed his ending it by 6 months. He said it took him years to get over staying with someone out of guilt. Link to comment
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