How do you know if reconciliation is a possibility?

[LauraR]

I'm new here, but have been reading posts on this site for a while. I'm going to apologize in advance for the lengthiness of this post.

 

I'll try to be brief with my background here. Ex & I were together for 5.5 years and broke up in January. Lots of things contributed to the break-up, but mostly it was due to bad behavior of all sorts, on both of our parts. I know I am equally to blame in the demise of the relationship. We had brief breakups in the past, but this one is different. He is now seeing someone else and has been since about April.

 

I did the no contact thing and have not initiated any conversation with him since my birthday in May. Periodically, he would send me emails or pop up on MSN messenger, but nothing on a regular basis and I no longer "look" for him there. I stopped going to our old hangouts, except for when I knew he wasn't going to be there.

 

Here's the problem. I went to our old hangout the other night, when I knew he would be there, and he was. I was VERY nervous, but I am at a point where I want to take back my life. I have friends that hang there too and I am tired of avoiding that place because of him. We didn't speak to each other at all, and that was OK.

 

So I get home and jump on the computer to chat with some friends, when lo and behold, he comes on to MSN. He immediately asks me if I want to come over his house for a drink, and I was just tipsy enough that I did. I know, poor judgement with a clouded brain. So I get there and we talk about general stuff. We did some fooling around, but when he asked me about having sex, somehow my brain started working properly. I told him that we couldn't. That he had a girlfriend now, and how would she feel if she found out. That he had a responsibility to remember that. After a bit more trying on his part, he agreed I was right, and nothing more happened. A similar situation happened on my birthday, which is why I initiated no contact. I knew I needed to be better to myself, and I knew that I didn't want to be the "other woman" in his life. I still don't.

 

Here's what I don't understand. I know some people (not just men) can be dogs and will try to bed whoever is standing in front of them if the time seems right. My ex was never one who cheated though. Trust me when I say that he never cheated on me, never. I know it through and through. He is the type of person who is in a relationship whole-heartedly when he truly loves someone. NOTHING would make him stray, not even a drunken night. So what I don't understand, is why he would want to with me. Past history? Comfort? I honestly don't know.

 

We did NOT speak of reconciling. I just don't understand all of this. I wrote him a letter before I left basically telling him that even though I still loved him, what we did was wrong, and that we had BOTH broken the trust she has in him. Even if she never finds out, we know we did, that it is wrong. I also told him that I had no expectations of reconciling, in spite of what happened the other night. And I honestly don't.

 

So why am I here? I guess to get some insight as to why he would behave this way. Please be gentle with your judgements. I am not proud of myself, and do not want this to happen again. I want to be with someone who wants me and only me. I just don't get it.

 

Laura

[avman]

I am a bit confused by your post. The title threw me off as I was expecting you to ask about whether or not you should reconcile. Instead it looks like you are asking for help in understanding your ex's behavior.

 

You mention you have no expectations of reconciliation, but is that really true? I'm not sure if you want him back, or not. If you do then maybe he picked up on that during your get together. You two had a long history together and perhaps he felt as though he was picking up where you left off. I don't know the situation with his current relationship (is it exclusive? is it serious?). But it seems he is certainly carrying a torch for you and would likely return to the relationship if you wanted it.

 

I'm not going to judge either of you. Ok, so things got a little interesting the other night but you both came to your senses. I think the two of you should have a little talk and see what the status of your relationship really is. If you decide to reconcile then its up to him to break the news to his current girlfriend.

[LauraR]

Hi avman, and thanks for your response. Yeah...I guess the confusion between the title and the post reflects the confusion I am feeling. You asked a couple of questions, so I'll answer them.

 

I don't have realistic expectations that we will reconcile. He has given no indication that is what he wants, and I am not sure I would want it as well. I can honestly say that I don't know what I would do given the choice.

 

His current relationship is exclusive, based upon what he has said to me, so I have to believe that. How serious it actually is, I have no idea. What doesn't jive with me, is the invitation over to his house, the proposition and my knowledge of how he feels about cheating in a relationship. It doesn't all add up.

 

I think you are right about needing a talk. He had asked me about 6 weeks ago if we could be friends. I told him that I couldn't at this time, given my feelings for him. This has been on my mind, and is probably the real reason I went to his house the other night. For all I know, the sheer challenge is what sparked his interest.

 

I don't know.

 

Thanks,

 

Laura

[avman]

I think a talk with him would be best. It seems there is a lot of confusion with both of you on the state of your relationship so I hate to speculate.

 

He may be willing to 'cheat' with you since you two have a long history together where he wouldn't cheat with somebody he has just met. That doesn't make it right, but I'm trying to rationalize what he might be thinking.

[lunatic]

I hate to say this to you Laura but, it sounds like he was looking to have his cake and eat it too. It sounds like he knows that he can get with you when he gets you over there as a backup. He probally was with his ex then decieded that he needed some thing different. I hate to say this also but, he is using you. I would lose this persons number and forget him altogether. You deserve better than this.

 

Hubman

[brosiamarie]

Hi I stumbled on to this post and I could kinda relate to your delima I have just recently ended a five year relationship and although I was the one who intiatied it. I do sometimes wonder If I made the right descison. I broke it off and refused to see him because I felt that was the best. but I gave in which made me realize that maybe I wasnt so sure on what I wanted. So needless to say I went to knowing what I wanted to totally confused. What I would suggest is obviously you still love your ex and probally will for sometime and I am sure there are still strong feelings there as well and same goes for your ex. yeah there is that comfort zone but you need to find out what you both want subconsciously you may want to get back with your ex or visa versa. All in all the answers will come. Oh I am guessing why your ex was so quick to cheat on his new girl is because I am asuming she is just a rebound.