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I had the worst night of my life last night. And I mean it. My boyfriend broke up with me for the second time in one year in November, while I was studying abroad in Uganda. When I returned in December, we have had brief contact...things such as random facebook messages and a couple "closure" emails that never make you feel better..stupid stuff. But because I've been through this a year before, I knew I would eventually snap into full NC. I just felt like I had it under control. I felt like it was okay, because he simply could not have that power over me anymore.


Well, a couple days ago he texted me and said he really wanted to see me. I didn't answer the text message. Then, yesterday, he called. We talked, and he told me he wanted to see me. He drove two hours, I drove one, and we met halfway at his (empty) parents house. We went out to eat, and then went back to his house (big mistake). After watching a football game and talking, of course we started making out. We were together for four years, and so it was stupid of me to think that sitting on a couch with him wouldn't eventually lead to that. We slept together.


For me, this is a huge deal. I remained a virgin for three years of our relationship, he broke up with me..and I was such a wreck that when he came back to me I slept with him. He told me he loved me last night, he told me how much he missed me, how he couldn't think of ever sleeping with soemone else..he told me he hadn't kissed anyone since I left for Uganda...he said all of the right things. At this point, I'm happy. In my sick twisted and dysfunctional mind, I had thought that I made progress. But he gives me one bit of attention and I'm like a spineless, mindless, easy * * * * . So I'm happy. We're lying there, talking about old times. And I say, with a hint of irony in my eyes "Will you be my valentine?", expecting to know the answer. This is the person I have been with ...forever practically. I thought this meant we were going to get back together, or at least work on things. He says, "Valentine's day..that kind of implies a relationship..."


One can only imagine the conversation from there. I started crying. SAying how we can make it work. How he's the only one that I ever want to be with. The moral of the story is...he used me. I've neverf felt used in my life. My body is something that I take really seriously and it is really hrad for me to trust anyone with my body..even more tahn my heart. I feel like a stupid girl. I feel like a stupid girl right out of a movie...........DUH. sex does not mean he wants to be with you. DUH. I've known that. That's why I was a virgin until i was 20 years old. That's why I'm highly picky over who I choose to date. WHO AM I? Who is this girl that gets walked all over? Why are tears still rolling down my cheeks? Why am I back where I was ONE YEAR ago? This isn't fair. This is painful. For the first time in my life,


I truly feel like I have hit rock bottom. i don't know if i can recover from this. I have taken a lot of blows from this man, but this..this just takes the cake. I feel like I am worthless, I feel like no one will ever love me again, I will never be as comfortable with anyone as I was with him.. I feel like it's so easy for him to move on. I feel like dirt. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with him. I feel ashamed of my actions. I feel dirty. I feel like I could die. I feel like this could kill me. I am a generally happy, intelligent, attractive person with a lot of friends and a lot going for me....how does he have this power over me? how does this sad excuse for a man that used me for sex make me cry and not want to go on?


Please. Help me. I feel like I am about to break. I feel like...I can't stop the tears, and it's never been like this. They are silently pouring down my face like a sink faucet. And somehow, they are comforting. It's better than sitting here staring at the walls.


I'm sorry this is so long. I just really needed to get that out.

I hope this post finds you better.



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Wow, I am truly sorry for you. If it's any consolation, there probably aren't many people that wouldn't have fallen for it in that situation, so don't be too hard on yourself. The guy is a first-class user/loser, and while he think he may have got what he wants at your expense, actually he missed the real prize, which is remaining with you. His reply to your Valentine comment is just stunning in its ineptitude. Talk about missing the moment.


I'm sorry for you, but at least you're no longer under any illusions as to what this guy is like.

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Wow, I am truly sorry for you. If it's any consolation, there probably aren't many people that wouldn't have fallen for it in that situation, so don't be too hard on yourself. The guy is a first-class user/loser, and while he think he may have got what he wants at your expense, actually he missed the real prize, which is remaining with you. His reply to your Valentine comment is just stunning in its ineptitude. Talk about missing the moment.


I'm sorry for you, but at least you're no longer under any illusions as to what this guy is like.


right on. you may feel the pain now, but he will down the line when he finds out he messed up things with a great girl.

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Yikes, what a creep. That's so horrible. I can understand how awful you must feel right now, but try to relax. It was a misake, and he's vile, but you will get over this. And you've seen just how cruel he is and how low he will stoop, so you will NEVER ever give him another chance.


Be kind to yourself, cut this loser out of your life, and take it easy. You'll get over him, and he revealed himself as the total creep that he is.


Take care

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I am very sorry that you are going through this. I know how bad it can feel sometimes.


First no one can fault you for sleeping with your ex. He said he loved you, missed you, couldnt imagine sleeping with anyone else. Those are the words that pretty much everyone wants to hear. Many of us in your situation would have done the same thing. The fact he doesnt want a relationship is heartbreaking, esspecially after building everything up so well.


He has this power over you because you loved him and were completely willing to make something work. You arent spineless or worthless. He didnt specify that he was uninterested in being in a relationship. He didnt specify that he just wanted sex from you. If you would have participated in sex when those things were completely clear, you would have a little more work to do on your self esteem.


I think you have gained a few things from this event, even if you dont know it yet. You now know that your ex needs to do something greater than professing love and desire for you to get back with him. He would need to be the one crying and explaining how it could work out between the two of you. You also know that he is not a type of person you want in a relationship. I really think he showed the type of person he is with all this. You deserve something stronger and greater.


And you will get it. You will love again. You will recover and feel comfortable with someone again. My first real relationship ended when i was 20. I said the same things you did, but a year and a half later i had a great relationship and even felt more comfortable than I ever had. Its life, and there is a chance everyday you could meet someone great. You said yourself you have a lot going on for you. Additionally, you seem like you have a lot of emotion to give to someone. I think thats a great thing.


In a nutshell, my advice is to not be angry with yourself. I think you were pretty well manipulated. I also think you dont need to feel worthless. You are a good person with things going for you. Dont believe that this was your fault. However, realize the lesson from this event. Realize that you still want something to work out between you and your ex, so this emotion may affect your judgement. If he wants to meet/talk/whatever with you, you need to make sure it is something good. Make sure he wants to try to get back together some how, and be very careful. Finally, just realize that this is a painful part of your life. There are a lot of people on this site who have recovered and are living great lives. It will happen to you also. Its a hard journey, and it takes a very long time.


Anyway, I think its terrible what happened but I think you will understand better to be more cautious, and I bet that will save you a few more heartbreaks in the future. It sucks that you are paying for it so much right now, but youll make it. Just keep your head up. In a few months the pain wont be as bad I bet.

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thank you so much for all of your responses..i went and saw some friends tonight, my head is starting to clear a bit..while i still feel on the verge of tears all day, i've realized that he isn't an evil person, which means that when it processes in his own head what he did to me..he will probably feel more awful than i will. and yes..no more contact. no. it's so good to know other people are going through the same things, and to have the support. i don't feel like i can really vent to any of my friends, i go to a small christian school and just..don't know how to admit that i've slept with my boyfriend. which i probably should, i'm just so ashamed that it turned out the way it did.


thanks so much for all of your kind words.

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You sound like a lovely, smart, beautiful person, and you have absolutely NO REASON to feel stupid or ashamed. I also think I am a pretty smart person, and I too fell into the 'sex with the ex' trap thinking, hoping, wanting it to lead to a renewed relationship. His response? "That really helped me gain closure." UGH.


men and women are so different. What is so sacred and special to us is not always the same to them. But you know what? That doesn't mean that it's not special. It doesn't mean that you're not special. YOU ARE.


Keep your head up. Know that you are a good person and HE made the foolish mistake of letting you slip through his fingers.


shame on him!

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men and women are so different. What is so sacred and special to us is not always the same to them.


Not altogether true. I cannot sleep with a woman, I don't want to be with. If I sleep with you, I want you.


I am so sorry that all this happened to you hon. He may not have had just sex on his mind, but we certainly know he DOES NOT have a relationship on his mind.


My ex waited until she was 29. I think it is very classy and noble that you waited, but I don't think it is fair to beat yourself up either, for being with a man, you thought would be IT.


I agree with "Sword", it is now time to impliment NC. Keep posting girl, because we are all right here for you...

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Sorry, but I just have to chime in here...


As a man, I have to say that not all men are like that...namely..me.


After my ex broke up with me I desperately wanted her back. She gave me crumbs from time to time but for the most part had kicked me out of her life.

She showed up at my place about two months later. I was still madly in love with her and wanted to get back together with her. We talked for a long time and then one thing led to another and we had sex. I thought maybe we were going to get back together. To me it was a very emotional experience.

Then, a little while later in the evening she told me that she "hadn't had any break thoughs" and that she didn't want to "label" what we were.

Translation.... "Hey, you're my favorite FWB!"


I was hurt. That's the last time I ever saw her. She was the one who separated sex from love that day, not me.


Just so you know.



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Carebear I am so sorry for your pain. If it is any consolation I am in a very similiar boat. Look at my post earlier today. I sat here in my office writing my first post and crying like a little girl, at work of alll places. I have to say it did feel so much better to post my thoughts and the replies were so encouraging. Try to be a little forgiving to yourself. I too am afraid I will never find someone that will feel the same. But then I ask, do I really want the same? I think you will once again heal and be confortable with your next love. Just think how much more appreciation you will have for his love. I think that the last thing we loose is our faith. I heard once that when our heart is broken into many pieces it allows more space for new love to fill it.


A huge {{{{HUG}}}}}} for you. Take the day in little increments slowly. Seems to work for me anyways.

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You seem like a genuinely kind person, sorry to hear how you've been treated.


Like you mentioned with your 'closure' letters...there's really no way to go about ending this well. I'd recommend strict NC for a long time, it's really the only way for you to move on.


It does appear he was trying to manipulate you to get what he wanted. You deserve bettter.

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Sorry, I wasn't trying to make a blanket statement about men, just going off some of my recent experiences.


No offense taken. I wasn't saying I didn't want to sleep with different women. I was simply stating that once I have decided "which one" I am going to actually sleep with, I am hoping to sleep with her and just her, many times more. ;-)

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That's why I said it "not always" the case. There are definitely exceptions such as your experience below and others posted here. Maybe I should've said that sex may mean more for the dumpee than it does for the dumper.....


Right on Helluvagirl..... I just wanted everyone to know that not all guys are like that.

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