My boyfriend acts so wierd. Can he be crazy?

[Jrt41788]

Okay so first of all, I've been with him for around 3 years. We broke up once for about 5 months and have been back together now for a year and everything has been great for the most part. But he has these little cooky things about him that are now starting to bother me and even worry me. His brother IS crazy and his whole family is afraid of him harming them.. though they do not get him help, but pretend that he is fine.

 

He seems to get very easily offended, like if I tell him he needs to brush his teeth he feels like I'm insulting him. He needs a lot of attention.. From not only me.. but people he does't even know. He LOVES to be the center of attention. He is always looking for peoples reactions to what he says and he always tries to sort of show off in front of people.

 

And he does things like, he lied to me for a year about how he smoked weed when we were broken up.(do not care) He lied about that but not about the fact that he had also had sex when we were broken up, which is worse than smoking some weed.

Another thing is that he has to be not only good at everything, he has to be the best.. And when he isn't the best(which he usually is not) he gets very frustrated and sad. He comes up with all of these ideas, like, he wants to be a famous musician(he plays a few shows now and again), he wants to make movies, he wants to start a production company, and many other things that he is NOT passionate about doing but is VERY serious about. Like opening an online grocery store, building a house, buying and flipping houses, etc. So serious he looks into loans and talks to his parents about co-signing.

I realize that ALL of these things can be achieved, but not all at the same time(like he wants them to).. And some of the things he comes up with just won't happen.

 

I am a realist for the most part. And these things are not realistic to have all at one time. He is very serious when he mentions these things and when I try to ask "Well what about your music?" or "I thought you wanted to make movies?" "How can you do it all at one time?".. He gets SO defensive and tells me that I do not support him.

 

I DO support him. I just can only support so many things. He is setting himself up for failure and disapointment..... ANOTHER thing that bothers me is his relationship with his mother. She tells him that all of these things ARE possible and encorages every idea he brings to her. She even comes up with more for him to think about doing. She tells him that he IS the best at everything and he believes every word she tells him.

 

I might seem like an unsupportive girlfriend but this has been going on for so long. I try to be supportive and help him decide what is right for him but it is hard when he feels hurt everytime I tell him that some things he can't do realisticlly with everything else he has in his plate.

 

I really feel like something may be wrong with him and it scares me. I love him with all of my heart, but I need to know what is going on. I'm desperate for advice. Is he crazy or am I?

[15 Storeys High]

He's a perfectionist and a dreamer. It doesn't make him "crazy". I don't see that there's a problem. You don't like the fact that he makes plans and attempts to realise his dreams. That's your issue, not his. It's important to have realism and be realistic but it's also important to reach for your dreams. You two could balance each other out if you worked together but calling him "crazy" isn't the best thing. In fact, it's a little insulting for you be using that term anyway. Having a mental illness (as you seem to be saying his does) doesn't make you "crazy".

 

The fact that you tell him when he needs to brush his teeth comes accross as a little controlling too. Can he not decide for himself when he wants to brush his teeth? Is that the root of the issue? Do you like to be the one that's in control all the time?

[beth116]

Hey.

 

I think he should see someone- a counsellor or psychologist. He sounds like he may have some kind of problem, and it may be able to be helped with the right tools.

 

Convincing him to go might be another issue. I think for your sanity to be preserved, he has to get help. You are being reasonable and he and his family seem completley unreasonable.

 

If you ring a counselling service yourself, and describe what you have done here, they may be able to refer you on to a number to call, or someone you can go to with him, to get things sorted out.

 

hope this helps,

 

beth

[Jrt41788]

well, I don't necisarilly tell him when to brush his teeth. He just doesn't brush his teeth much, and eventually his breath will smell a little funky. I try to tell him nicely by brushing my teeth and then after I'm finished handing the brush to him. That was just an example of how he is easily offended.

And to answer your question, Yes I have been told that I can be controlling sometimes. And it is something that I work on a lot and I try to come up with nice ways to say what I mean without it coming accros in that way. And about the "carzy thing.. It just scares me that it is in his family and other members of his family have pointed out similarities to his brother who is accually ill. And he also has another brother who is mentally handicapped.

 

So I am just 1. worried about him. and 2. wondering how i can help or how to just get over it

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with both 15 storeys and with beth. I think telling someone to brush their teeth is indeed very insulting. Also, as far as I know, weed is still illegal so you don't care about him smoking something illegal and lying about it, but it bothers you that he slept with someone else even though you were broken up for 5 years.

 

Does he do anything to achieve his dreams or are they just dreams which he is not pursuing. How old is he? Without hearing his side of the story it is hard to say what is going on.

 

I try to be supportive and help him decide what is right for him but it is hard when he feels hurt everytime I tell him that some things he can't do realisticlly with everything else he has in his plate.

 

Is it possible that you are being a bit harsh and controlling in your criticism? I think the things that struck me in your post is that you tell him he should brush his teeth, you say his brother is off the wall and are concerned about the relationship with his mother...you also say you are trying to be a realist and tell him what is realistic and what is not. Perhaps you need to take a step back and look at what you say and how you say it. Controlling people tend to want to be the only person of influence on their partner, and start to micromanage their lives and hate the influence of family members. It is his life and his dreams and let him decide what he wants to do. The mother is indeed being supportive of her son by saying that he can be whoever he wants to be if he has the drive and ambition and know how.

[Jrt41788]

We were broken up for 5 months not years. And to me weed isn't as hurtfull as him sleeping with my brothers gf. What i was trying to say was that he lied about something he thought I would be mad about and told me something he knew i would be mad and hurt about with no problem. Just thought that was weird thats all.

[Mavh25]

Seriously... the brushing your teeth thing I don't see as insulting ATALL me and my boyfriend say that, I mean I'm not gonna kiss his mouth if its mingin' and he would'nt kiss mine...... We just say "Ya breath smells funny" lol

 

I think maybe he just needs to keep busy and is like someone else said trying to realise his dreams. I think its a good thing you keep him grounded, maybe you shouldnt say (don't know if you do) "no you can't do that" but if you just say "but what about the money?"

 

If these are whims and they ware off, could'nt you pretend to support him?

 

I doubt he's crazy, just a bit proactive!

[NorthDallas40]

Without knowing the full story, it's hard to know if your bf is having mental issues, or is just a very enthusiastic dreamer. When I was younger, I wanted to play in a band, publish a magazine, sell collectables online, DJ, be a graphic designer... but I actually did all of those!

 

But I *can* say from experience that I have known three people with manic depression (including my father), and one of the symptoms of the manic phase is coming up with plans & schemes like the ones your bf is mentioning. Though I will say that the ones in my experience tended to be much more bizarre than his. For example:

 

- Charging $100/minute for their advice

- Opening a petting zoo in the middle of campus

- Inventing a guitar (the model this guy made was completely unplayable)

- Starting a community-oriented music/spoken word open mic night with 100s of people on a stage that could probably hold 25.

 

The main thing I noticed about my manic depressive acquaintances is that even if their dreams *were* reasonable, their enthusiasm for them was way above and beyond what was normal. They were absolutely convinced that they had an idea nobody had thought of, and that there was no way that it wouldn't be a huge success.

 

Oddly enough, my ex had been exhibiting some of the same behaviors before she dumped me a few weeks ago. She had a serious head injury & brain surgery in June, and after a 2-month recovery period, she started coming up with all sorts of projects, none of which were unreasonable in and of themselves:

 

- T-shirt & clothing company

- Club & art show promoting

- Nude photography

- Womens' discussion group

- Writing a book

 

And to give her credit, she actually followed through on the first of those ideas. But once she finished the shirts & clothes, she forgot about them and moved on to the next thing. And though she claimed to be so busy with these projects that she didn't have time to visit me (we were in a LDR), that wasn't really the case and she even admitted it. For the past six weeks she has actually been spending most her time living on disability with her family (she's almost 24), not working a job, smoking weed more than she used to, staying up all night, sleeping all day, and spending lots of time on Myspace.

 

Whether this behavior is evidence of mental problems resulting from her injury - or just a combination of healthy goalmaking but an unhealthy living situation - remains to be seen.

 

Ok sorry to hijack your thread somewhat, but since I just went through a similar experience, I couldn't help but vent!

 

Anyway, I'd recommend doing some online research and talking to your friends or parents about your concerns. Accusing the bf of being mentally ill won't go over well with him even if your fears have some basis, so it's best to get some objective opinions before you say anything like that to him.

[hueman84]

I agree with some things said here, and I don't agree with other things.

 

The whole brushing teeth thing, there are probably better ways to go about it, then the way that you do. There is nothing wrong with telling someone they have bad breath, because it is to their benefit that they do something about it. To the other posters who had a problem with it....would you like to be walking around all day knowing your breath is literally offending those around you? I would hope not. if you are such a realistic person, you need to be real with him about it. Tell him its not NORMAL to not brush your teeth everyday and people not only develop bad breath, but many oral problems from not brushing as well. If he RESPECTS you then he will know he is in the wrong. You need to bring it to him like you care about him and not that it just offends you. No one is right all of the time, and he has to realize that.

 

I agree with 15 Storeys in that, there is nothing wrong with having lots of ambition. Knowing his age in this situation would really help as well. It's really up to you if you want to support him with it or not. If he is not going to lead the type of lifestyle you agree with, then stop wasting your time and just end it because that will become a major problem for the both of you (and it already sounds like it is). I had similar issues with my ex because I was unsure of what to do with my life at certain points in time and I would just reach for anything. I changed my major 3 times, considered going to technical school, and even considered joining the airforce. Now I do have my head on straight and know what I want to do with my life, but that wasn't until after lots of trial and error. Let me tell you, my ex tried to support me with it, but in the end thats the "reason" she gave me for why she broke up with me...because "I couldn't make up my mind". It was probably more then that and she was just not a good person in general (we were together for 3.5yrs).

 

As for the whole sleeping with another girl while you were broken up thing...you should be THANKFUL he told you that and chose to lie about the weed thing. In reality you have to look at it as a courtesy to you because now you know he was sexually active while you were apart and you know who has slept with. It's probably not even the fact that he slept with someone, its the fact that it was WHO he slept with that makes you so upset...you have to realize you guys were broken up and just because you had a relationship with him at one point in time doesnt mean he cant do whatever he wants when he's not with you. I think if he had lied to you about either of those things, you would have had a problem with it. It's not what he lied to you about, its the fact that he lied to you in the first place. Like you already said, you dont have a problem with the fact he smoked weed, so why should you care when you found out...maybe thats why he chose to lie to you about that instead of the fact that he slept with another girl...for him it came down the choosing the lesser of two evils and even though I don't condone lying in relationships, I think he did choose the lesser of the two.

 

As for the whole family mental illness thing. I think it is just FLAT OUT wrong of you to even think he has a mental illness just because one of his other family members is crazy. The only reason I say that is because I have a brother who is also literally insane and has disassociated himself from my entire family and even threatens constantly to kill his ex-wife...and just because he is crazy, does not make me crazy.

[bulletproof]

It sounds like you are simply describing his personality as opposed to symptoms of an actual illness. Are you really trying to say that he is all talk and no action? Or all talk, and then starts to make plans but doesn't follow through?

 

If that's the case, you might want to seriously consider if you should continue a relationship with him. It sounds like you don't like what is a major part of his personality. Maybe you are just not this type of person so there is a disconnect.

 

But I wouldn't say he's 'crazy'. Slightly delusional maybe, but not crazy.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Simply put I think you guys are just not clicking, and you don't see eye to eye on alot of things.

Re think if you really want to continue being with him.

And yea, I also think he should perhaps see a councelor, even though it would be tough to bring up.

My ex and my relationship was sorta like you described. And we also didn't see eye to eye, and I also wondered if maybe he was a bit crazy. He was so caring and all but we just weren't on the same "level"/page.

It's like we didn't click. We were together more b/c we were like friends who treated each other nice, and we had attraction. But as far as compatibility, I overlooked it and realised we never had any till after I broke up with him.

He also had "diffrent opinions/views" on sex as I did. Which was another reason we never really were compatible. He supposedly had had threesomes, had sex with co workers, friends, this girl, that girl, etc. Just basically no real boundries. ANd me with my 2 guys I had slept with so far.

Also he used to smoke weed before, and had tried other drugs. So yea... Views on "lifestyle" also play a factor in a relationship and if your right for each other.

[Jrt41788]

sorry about not saying his age. He is 21 yrs. old. I am 20. And yes he comes up with an idea, starts to follow through, then forgets about it, and moves on to the next. Like with his production company. He spent thousands of dollors on a camera and mac computer to only decide later that he was a musician. As a musician he spent hundreds of dollors on professional photos to be taken that he hasn't even used. He is thousands of dollors in debt b/c of his new ideas.

 

He is the youngest of 7 kids, so I get that he has had to sruggle for attention since childhood. But this thing about his ideas has gotten progressively worse. And he gets more upset the more I try and keep him grounded. I'm not mean to him or controlling. I care about him so so much. Thats why I came here and wrote. I am worried about him, and I am not the only one. His friends don't usually stick around too long, they get tired of how he thinks he can do all of these things. When his friends themselves have been trying to achieve these same things for years, he thinks he can do them in a day.

[sunnystar]

he is an artist. you have to support him in what he does. he actually sounds alot like me. although im a girl. i know i can do all of the things i see successful people doing its just so frustrating to not be as successful when you know you are better than someone.

 

instead of looking at the glass half empty all the time look at it more full. I am also very offended when someone asks me to brush my teeth. even though i would have wanted to know, i still feel bad about it.

[hueman84]

21...he is still very young and has plenty of time to sort out what he wants to do with his life. Let him work out the kinks himself, in time...if he is a smart guy, he will figure out what to do with himself. I am only 23 and didn't figure out until this past year what I REALLY WANT to do with my life. Like I said in my other post, I changed my major 3 times, considered tech school, and even the Air Force...it just sounds like he is just trying to find himself.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

just because his family has mental illness doesn't necessarily mean he is ill... BUT if there is a hereditary problem, he could have a higher chance of being mentally ill if it runs in the family. some illnesses like bi-polar disorder do run in families.

 

what you are describing could be normal (artistic temperament), immaturity (not knowing what the wants to be when he 'grows up'), artistic temperament (very creative, though not necessarily practical), or mental illness (bi-polar or borderline personality or other disorder).

 

so you really have to look at his behavior in context with other aspects of his life.

 

does he support himself, hold down a job, or do these wild ideas of his interfere with his normal ability to function?

 

does he just not brush his teeth sometimes, or neglect grooming to the point that it would be abnormal compared to 'normal' grooming?

 

so it could be signs of mental illness, or he could just be really immature and not yet aware of what he can accomplish.

 

but you do need to somewhat protect yourself from the standpoint that if he is being really irresponsible with money, don't co-mingle your finances or let him wreck your credit.

 

you may also get tired of 'supporting' him if that means he gets to act like a kid all the time and never work or take care of himself and expect others to do so.

 

and the lying is unacceptable, regardless of his mental state.

 

so i think he does sound like this is going to be a difficult road for you with him if he is not going to take adult responsbility. you don't have to be a 'good' girlfriend and support him if he is jerking you around, lying to you, or refusing to take responsbility for himself.

 

then it becomes a question of whether you want to be with someone like that. i would just suggest caution until he shows himself to be growing up and stable, or else if he is mentally ill, it will most likely get worse until the point it is obvious he needs treatment.